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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Unwittingly became an OW

82 replies

WhatATwit · 30/08/2015 16:27

I'm really sorry if you're one of the MNers who've already read and replied to my ramblings about this on FB...

DH and I have been living separate lives since March. In early May, I started seeing someone new and fell head over heels for him. He said he was separated too, with two children on the scene. Our relationship was very intense; talking on FB from 7am until bed time, there was a real connection between us. I fell in love with him deeply. We talked about our future together. He told me I was "the one". At many points when we were together he would start crying, which he said was because his feelings for me were so strong and he couldn't believe how perfect it all was etc etc.

Cut to last week and I find out he isn't separated at all. I had it all out with him and he said he had no intention of leaving his wife/children but asked if we could carry on as we were as having me a bit was better than not at all. The utter cunt. I considered it BRIEFLY then told him to get lost. In absolute rage, I told him to tell his wife or else I would do it for him. He refused and begged me not to as it would destroy his children. I then saw his wife in Tesco. I was VERY close to telling her everything. I had his messages open on my phone ready to show her. I have literally thousands of messages and pictures that prove the gravity of our relationship. I was with my brother and he talked me out of it, telling me that if I was going to do it, I ought to do it in private and not in Tesco. Instead I settled for taking a picture of the back of his wife and sending it to him on Messenger saying "look who I am stood next to". He shit himself and threatened to go to the police, reporting me for harrassment/stalking.

I also found out that I'm not the only OW. He had a relationship with a woman from work, too. Ugh. The utter, utter cunt.

His wife was a teaching assistant at my DS's school. The utter brazenness of it all astounds me. I saw this woman every day in the playground and just thought of her as being the woman this new man was separated from.

This has wrecked me, truly. I can't really explain here how he made me feel and the depth/intensity of our relationship. I hate him and hope he dies but also love him still. I can't talk to friends about this; we have mutual friends and it will all just get out, all the ugly details. We'd agreed not to tell friends about us until we'd spoke to our respective ex-OHs. Hmm

I hate how he has made me feel. I feel so stupid, hurt, angry, heartbroken, naive... I feel OK for a bit then the hurt slaps me in the face again. I am dreaming about him every night. I can't eat. I just want to curl up and die, tbh. He lives three miles down the road from me and I DREAD seeing him.

God, that was long. :(

OP posts:
MuttonDressedAsGoose · 30/08/2015 16:48

I'm really sorry that you have been through this. I don't think you did anything wrong - but it's a good thing that your brother talked you out of saying anything to her. I know you want him to suffer but think of the pain you'll cause the innocent wife and children.

You say that you still love him, but of course you only love what you think he was and what the relationship was. Obviously, such intense "you're the one" relationships are usually bullshit but they appeal to vulnerable people who have just come out of a relationship, themselves.

I hope that you have good friends you can confide in and spend time with until the rawness of what has happened gets a bit better.

WhatATwit · 30/08/2015 16:53

Thank you, Mutton.

I do have lovely friends. I just don't feel that I can discuss this with them, hence the massive outpouring here.

I don't think of myself as vulnerable; I'm quite strong and level-headed. That's why I am so pissed off that this could have happened.

OP posts:
NewLife4Me · 30/08/2015 16:54

I don't know how you managed to control yourself even though your brother was right.
You need to tell her though as its not like it was a little fling.
What a bastard and thank goodness you found out when you did.
So sorry you have had a total cunt for a bf Thanks

pocketsaviour · 30/08/2015 16:55

Sorry you've fallen foul of this shitbag.

Did he use condoms with you? If not, I would feel obligated to tell the wife, as he will be putting her at risk with his behaviour.

If he has been using condoms, it's less of an immediate issue. I always feel torn on this question; I don't know what I would do.

I would say though, if you do tell her, do so because you think she needs/deserves to know. Not because you want revenge.

WhatATwit · 30/08/2015 16:55

I can't put music on because it all reminds me of him. I burst out crying at a friend's garden party yesterday because the sunset was so beautiful and we always used to send each other photos of the sunset from our gardens. I just wish I could turn my brain off.

OP posts:
WhatATwit · 30/08/2015 16:57

We didn't sleep together. We did lots of other things but never got as far as sex. Thank fuck. I bet he's crawling with all sorts.

I think she does deserve to know but from him, not me.

It is driving me mad to think of him smugly getting on with his life whilst I am sobbing at all hours. How is that fair?

OP posts:
Charis1 · 30/08/2015 17:00

This is awful, I have a close friend going through something similar, and she is pretty shattered too. I don't know what to say to you, or her, to make either of you feel better. I'm sorry this happened to you

WhatATwit · 30/08/2015 17:05

Thank you for the kind words, Charis. And ervyone else. Flowers

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Littlefrenchmummy · 30/08/2015 17:06

How awful you poor thing...

You were right not to do it in tescos but I would tell her.
If I were her I would so want to know. Sure the separation it may cause might hurt the children and the family but considering he had 2 affairs going at the same time, he will cheat again, and they are all bound to find out/ suffer at some point. Best its sooner, so the wife can rebuild her life with someone loving and faithful.

All the best X

WhatATwit · 30/08/2015 17:07

The affair previous to me was some time ago. He says his wife didn't know about that one, either. I'm not sure I believe him as a mutual friend told me that he and his wife split for a while a couple of years ago. My gut feeling is that it is because she found out about the first OW.

OP posts:
MuttonDressedAsGoose · 30/08/2015 17:11

If he tells her, you can be sure that he'll do everything to spin it so that you look like the bad guy. She may want to believe the worst about you so as to preserve her own marriage and status quo.

You're stuck seeing this woman at your children's school - tread carefully.

WhatATwit · 30/08/2015 17:13

The little bastard booked off days of annual leave to go on daytrips with me. He works as an academic librarian and stole books from his work and gave them to me. Perk of the job, he called it. He also would fill in his work diary as having meetings with students when in reality he was coming to meet me and spend afternoons in the pub.

I could utterly destroy him if I told his manager.

OP posts:
WhatATwit · 30/08/2015 17:14

She works at another school, now.

I have reams and reams of messages from him that prove it wasn't at all one-sided.

OP posts:
Arsenic · 30/08/2015 17:16

Sorry you're feeling no better.

The horrible truth is, it just takes time.

MuttonDressedAsGoose · 30/08/2015 17:17

It's satisfying to fantasise about revenge, but be careful - it could blow back on you and just leave you feeling more bitter than ever.

This guy sounds like a narcissist or sociopath or some sort of dreadful personality disorder. I'm sure his wife knows that something is wrong, even if she doesn't know the particulars.

ML29 · 30/08/2015 17:17

Poor you and his poor wife ! totally taken in by this con-artist.

If you are in similar circles i.e. school & mutual friends, how did you not even have a whiff of what he was up to ? Sorry to pose this question when you are obviously devastated.

Arsenic · 30/08/2015 17:20

If he wants to make it out to be one-sided and she wants to believe it, then they will both conspire to believe it, regardless of evidence.

The women often get painted as witchy tempresses and the poor poor men as helpless victims. It's been going on since the dawn of time. Think of Anne Boleyn and Wallis Simpson. Think of Eve.

And if it all ends up coming out and you are painted as the bad guy (gal), you'll feel 100 times worse.

Flowers
Rebecca2014 · 30/08/2015 17:21

I would tell her, he is a serial cheat and personally I would want to know if that was me. Your be doing her a favour really.

WhatATwit · 30/08/2015 17:22

It's OK, ML29.

I don't know his wife other than she was a TA and DS's school. Never spoken to her.

We have mutual friends but we don't mix in the same social circles. We don't go out to the same places etc. I am friends, for example, with a woman who is is friends with but they don't see each other often. I see her every month or so at social events. We've talked about him but only on a 'friends' level and his wife/marriage has never come up in conversation. It never had to. He has met my best friend's husband at parties too and they got on well. Again, I never felt the need to mention his wife when we were discussing him afterwards as I didn't think it was an issue.

He never seemed concerned about being seen out with me either so alarm bells never rang for me. He even took me into his work to look at some books. he just didn't seem bothered about being seen with me so suspicions were never raised on my part.

OP posts:
maybebabybee · 30/08/2015 17:23

God, so sorry OP, what a bastard.

I actually think you should tell her. I would want to know if it was me. Actually many years ago it was me and I was told by the OW. She did me a massive favour as I never would have found out otherwise.

WhatATwit · 30/08/2015 17:38

I don't want to be painted as the home wrecker but at the same time I don't think he should get away with this. Bastards like him always win.

OP posts:
Arsenic · 30/08/2015 18:00

Win what? A deceitful marriage? An unhappy wife? The gnawing fear of being uncovered? Knobrot?

Let him win. It sounds miserable.

maybebabybee · 30/08/2015 18:03

I don't personally think it's fair on the wife not to know. Not to mention she could have an STD and not even realise she needs to be tested.

Arsenic · 30/08/2015 18:06

OP isn't the one to tell her;

a) She won't necessarily believed, being in the OW position (albeit unwittingly)

b) OP is quite upset enough as it is and doesn't need more drama and grief.

Helpmeoutofthemaze · 30/08/2015 18:07

Ok
Print evidence, photos etc. Put in box in back of cupboard in case ever needed to defend yourself. Try to forget.
Cut all contact with him.
Go to the STD clinic.
Try then to move on.
It wasn't your fault, he is evil. Do not beat yourself up over something you did not do. He did it.

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