Unwittingly became an OW

[WhatATwit]

I'm really sorry if you're one of the MNers who've already read and replied to my ramblings about this on FB...

DH and I have been living separate lives since March. In early May, I started seeing someone new and fell head over heels for him. He said he was separated too, with two children on the scene. Our relationship was very intense; talking on FB from 7am until bed time, there was a real connection between us. I fell in love with him deeply. We talked about our future together. He told me I was "the one". At many points when we were together he would start crying, which he said was because his feelings for me were so strong and he couldn't believe how perfect it all was etc etc.

Cut to last week and I find out he isn't separated at all. I had it all out with him and he said he had no intention of leaving his wife/children but asked if we could carry on as we were as having me a bit was better than not at all. The utter cunt. I considered it BRIEFLY then told him to get lost. In absolute rage, I told him to tell his wife or else I would do it for him. He refused and begged me not to as it would destroy his children. I then saw his wife in Tesco. I was VERY close to telling her everything. I had his messages open on my phone ready to show her. I have literally thousands of messages and pictures that prove the gravity of our relationship. I was with my brother and he talked me out of it, telling me that if I was going to do it, I ought to do it in private and not in Tesco. Instead I settled for taking a picture of the back of his wife and sending it to him on Messenger saying "look who I am stood next to". He shit himself and threatened to go to the police, reporting me for harrassment/stalking.

I also found out that I'm not the only OW. He had a relationship with a woman from work, too. Ugh. The utter, utter cunt.

His wife was a teaching assistant at my DS's school. The utter brazenness of it all astounds me. I saw this woman every day in the playground and just thought of her as being the woman this new man was separated from.

This has wrecked me, truly. I can't really explain here how he made me feel and the depth/intensity of our relationship. I hate him and hope he dies but also love him still. I can't talk to friends about this; we have mutual friends and it will all just get out, all the ugly details. We'd agreed not to tell friends about us until we'd spoke to our respective ex-OHs.

I hate how he has made me feel. I feel so stupid, hurt, angry, heartbroken, naive... I feel OK for a bit then the hurt slaps me in the face again. I am dreaming about him every night. I can't eat. I just want to curl up and die, tbh. He lives three miles down the road from me and I DREAD seeing him.

God, that was long. :(

I just feel like he's got the better end of this transaction. He won't be crying at 3 in the morning or feeling the raw upset that I am. He's carrying on as normal, being a shitty human whilst everyone around him thinks what a great bloke he is.

He's had booze problems in the past. I hope it comes back for him and finishes him off tbh.

HE knows he's a shitty a human being.

I'm OK for the STD clinic; I didn't sleep with him. We were about to so thank fuck I didn't. Ugh.

I don't know if he DOES know he's a shitty human being. He seems very good at justifying his actions to himself.

When I was raging at him, I told him he was an awful person and he said "I'm a bit lost, maybe." That's his justification. A bit lost. Absolute twaddle.

Yes but op you are human. It's hardly a word I'd use to describe him!

He sent me so many cock shots. When I looked closely at one, I worked out he'd been lay on his DD's bed when he took it. It was one of those white day bed things from Ikea with little girl's bed linen on. What a creep.

On some level he knows.

But, look, there is no karma or galactic justice. You've been hurt - the best thing you can do now is to put yourself first and do what is best for YOUR wellbeing -get yourself away from the person who did it and let yourself heal.

No scab picking, no going back for more.

And while you're doing that, he'll be scared shitless for weeks wondering what you might do, which as much justice as you'll get and, be honest, it's quite a nice thought

"But, look, there is no karma or galactic justice. "

I know. And that is what is getting to me.

That's quite a biggy.

How long until the kids go back? Can you immerse yourself in back-to-school mania for a few days?

My DS is back on Thursday. Tomorrow is Bank Holiday and we're off out for the day with mates. Tuesday is school shoe shopping. I've got my mate's kids on Wednesday... I'll be busy.

But I know come Thursday when I have time to think, I'll be raging again.

I'd want to know. I wish someone had told me when I was being cheated on. Instead I got occasional heavy hints from people (or would overhear people hinting at him to tell me), but never took any notice because he was such a good liar. It was only when my best friend finally saw something and told me that I realised and put it all together. Then I felt like a real dumbo.

It would be hard to hear it from you (though my OW knew all along and literally laughed in my face), if the information somehow got out, could it get back to her?

That is fucking rank about his cock shot. What an utter sleaze!

I also thing she needs to know the truth. But that poor poor woman. I hate to think of what she will go through. Having said that, it has already happened to her, she just doesn't know it. I think she needs to know.

Feel awful for you too OP but he can't keep doing this to his family without consequences. The utter lowlife piece of scum he is.

Best revenge you can get....is walk away....sounds like he likes intensity /drama....Anything you do he'll get off on as he'll be able to say to people he's being stalked, harassed making out himself to be the victim.....it really isn't worth it. He'll get his, trust me...if he's taking liberties like that at work...other people will know (or believe him to be a lazy slackers).

I'm sorry that you had to go through that, theresaflyinmyhouse. I bet you wanted to slap her senseless.

If the information got out, it would definitely get back to her. It's like the bush telegraph around here...

When he was begging me not to tell his wife on Monday, he used the old emotional blackmail tricks on me... "My children need stability", "My children are my number one concern", "My children are innocent, don't do this to them..." I didn't do anything to them. He certainly wasn't thinking of his children when he was engaged in sexual goings-on with me. Twat.

wheelycote, interesting you say that. He'd told me about the OW ages ago but never said he was in a relationship with her, just that she had gone mental and stalked him for no reason. I didn't give it much thought until I started threatening him and I thought to myself, "what he did to me is what he did to her." I asked him outright and he admitted it.

Yes, his colleagues slag him off. He's told me as much. How embarrassing for him.

I hate to say this but I really think you should tell his wife about the shot taken on his little girl's bed. You don't seem concerned about it and I agree there's probably nothing sinister going on but the truth is we have no idea. All we know is he's been exposing himself on his little girl's bed. She might have been there or not but it does beg the question 'Why?'. If it was my daughter I would desperately want to know this information. Please don't decide not to on the basis of anything you feel that you know about this man. All you know is how good he is at lying to you and hiding huge chunks of his life and his feelings. It's not your responsibility to worry about the repercussions or what happens next but you simply cannot have this information, with all the questions that it raises, and prevent her mum from taking any safeguarding measures.

He does sound absolutely dreadful; you have definitely dodged a bullet here.

Sexual goings on on his child's bed no less!

I'm over it now! He did the same to her about a week after they married so he's miserable now!

I AM concerned about it but not in that way. His DD often got into his bed in the night and he would go and sleep in hers to get a decent nights sleep. We were talking flirtily one morning and then that happened... It wasn't until I was going back through all of the pictures he'd sent me last week and I looked closely that I realised where he was when he took it.

It's plausible but I personally wouldn't take his word for it when all you really know is that he lies.

That's true.

Ugh, you poor thing. You might want to be reminded that there are quite a few identifying details in your thread though.

I'm OK for the STD clinic; I didn't sleep with him

Activities other than penis-in-vagina sex can also transfer STIs (not certain of what you mean by sleep with). Have a look at the list below and have a check up if needs be.
www.nhs.uk/Livewell/STIs/Pages/Sexualactivitiesandrisk.aspx

"Ok
Print evidence, photos etc. Put in box in back of cupboard in case ever needed to defend yourself. Try to forget.
Cut all contact with him.
Go to the STD clinic.
Try then to move on.
It wasn't your fault, he is evil. Do not beat yourself up over something you did not do. He did it."

This^ was great advice from Helpmeoutofthemaze

Thing is, I don't think it was 'deep and intense' you only thought it was. You didn't have sex, a lot communication seems to have been on FB. It turned out to be bollocks, and what you're feeling now is the discomfort of illusions shattering, but not actually the pain of a broken heart.

You'll be ok. You're stronger and less wounded than you think.

Like I said, it's difficult to express how it was just by posting on here.

We saw each other, talked on the phone etc, it's just that a lot of FB messages were exchanged because he could keep his FB open on his work computer and message me from there undetected, as opposed to getting his phone out all the time.