Unwittingly became an OW

[WhatATwit]

I'm really sorry if you're one of the MNers who've already read and replied to my ramblings about this on FB...

DH and I have been living separate lives since March. In early May, I started seeing someone new and fell head over heels for him. He said he was separated too, with two children on the scene. Our relationship was very intense; talking on FB from 7am until bed time, there was a real connection between us. I fell in love with him deeply. We talked about our future together. He told me I was "the one". At many points when we were together he would start crying, which he said was because his feelings for me were so strong and he couldn't believe how perfect it all was etc etc.

Cut to last week and I find out he isn't separated at all. I had it all out with him and he said he had no intention of leaving his wife/children but asked if we could carry on as we were as having me a bit was better than not at all. The utter cunt. I considered it BRIEFLY then told him to get lost. In absolute rage, I told him to tell his wife or else I would do it for him. He refused and begged me not to as it would destroy his children. I then saw his wife in Tesco. I was VERY close to telling her everything. I had his messages open on my phone ready to show her. I have literally thousands of messages and pictures that prove the gravity of our relationship. I was with my brother and he talked me out of it, telling me that if I was going to do it, I ought to do it in private and not in Tesco. Instead I settled for taking a picture of the back of his wife and sending it to him on Messenger saying "look who I am stood next to". He shit himself and threatened to go to the police, reporting me for harrassment/stalking.

I also found out that I'm not the only OW. He had a relationship with a woman from work, too. Ugh. The utter, utter cunt.

His wife was a teaching assistant at my DS's school. The utter brazenness of it all astounds me. I saw this woman every day in the playground and just thought of her as being the woman this new man was separated from.

This has wrecked me, truly. I can't really explain here how he made me feel and the depth/intensity of our relationship. I hate him and hope he dies but also love him still. I can't talk to friends about this; we have mutual friends and it will all just get out, all the ugly details. We'd agreed not to tell friends about us until we'd spoke to our respective ex-OHs.

I hate how he has made me feel. I feel so stupid, hurt, angry, heartbroken, naive... I feel OK for a bit then the hurt slaps me in the face again. I am dreaming about him every night. I can't eat. I just want to curl up and die, tbh. He lives three miles down the road from me and I DREAD seeing him.

God, that was long. :(

I'm not trying to minimise it OP, you saw each other, you chatted on the phone, you didn't have sex, it's only been 4 months. It's a horrible experience, but it's not that long.

If you went A&E, blood everywhere, worried sick about the extent of the damage, and the doctor said, having cleaned up the blood, that it's not as bad as it looks. It would be a relief, no?

I think you're panicking and catastrophizing, but actually you're going to be ok.

I think this might be tied into to the end of your marriage, perhaps you haven't grieved for that, and the feelings are getting tangled up in this.

You are right, Twinkle. I know I'll be OK eventually. I just needed to talk and vent, really.

I'm feeling confused and hurt and just trying to make sense of it. Writing stuff down seems to work for me.

Can I second the previous poster who noted you don't need to have full sex to pick up an std?

Please get a check! Pretty much any sexual contact can pass on various things, it doesn't have to be penis/vagina only!

So sorry this happened to you, he sounds like a total bastard. Personally, I'd want to know if it was my dh doing this, but I do understand why others are telling you to just step away.

Id be telling all and sundry. Bollocks to anything else, cocky bastard needs a shock.

Id not keep quiet for a second.

OK, I'll go and get tested. It seems that 14 years out of the game has dulled my knowledge of this type of thing. :(

I am really sorry that you've been put in this position OP. How utterly shit. Very difficult in terms of the wife, however, I am a cheated-on wife and I wish wish wish somebody had told me. It's worse now that I have largely uncovered the extent of my STBXH's infidelity but the fact that friends and even family knew hurt me so much. One friend of husbands did try to tell me I think, looking back, I can see it clearly now. He kept saying "you're too good for him, you're worth so much more, you deserve so much better" and I just laughed it off as I thought he'd had too much to drink (he probably had, wouldn't have said any of that sober). I really wish somebody had just told me. The humiliation and embarrassment was horrible for me.

I don't really know how I would approach the situation. I certainly wouldn't have appreciated the OW he left me for telling me. You are going to look bitter and angry if you do it. Anonymous letter maybe? I feel very sorry for his wife and he has proved himself to be a total cunt for trying to emotionally blackmail you with the children. It's worse that there are/have been others. My husband has had many affairs and indeed has cheated on the OW he lives with now. Some men are just wired that way unfortunately.

Hope you're able to put this behind you, you do indeed deserve much much more...

I am so sorry to hear all of that, Formidable. How did you find out in the end? Did he come clean? (snort at inaccuracy of that phrase used in this instance)

I know I will look bitter and angry (which I am, tbh). If I sent an anonymous letter, it would be obvious it was from me.

I think he is wired that way. He is truly foul. As a pp said, I've dodged a bullet. If he'd have left his wife for me, I'd have been writing another OP a few years from now about finding out about the OW...

Can't agree that there no galactic juice, or whatever you want to call it. Stuff does come home to roost in the end ime. I've been around long enough to have seen it a number of times. I used to think the karma stuff was shit, platitudes, but I don't now. No evidence, anecdotal!

I got tangled up with someone on a much less serious level and when it blew up, as these intense things inevitably do, I was beside myself, distraught. The pain was acute. It took a few years to fade (sorry) but I can honestly say he is precisely zero to me now, I am entirely indifferent.

I'd be very wary, in all relationships, of great intensity at the start. It isn't a stable connection. As it turns out he is a sandwich short of a picnic anyway (aka cunt) - and you are very probably vulnerable with the loss of your marriage, even if you wanted it.

His poor wife. You will get over it, as acute as it feels now, but she is married to a real nutter. It's a terrible shock for you op. Rage away

I'd grass the nasty little bastard to his wife and his employer.

I think you need to tell her. If my husband was cheating I would want to know. Think the idea of an anonymous letter would be best as otherwise it just makes you look like you are out for revenge. He sounds like an arse and you are better off without him. Just think of his poor wife completely unaware and sleeping next to him every night. She needs to know.

I've always believed in what goes around and all that so I suppose I'll have to cling to the hope that the little balding prick will get his just desserts at some point.

Looking back now at some of his behaviours, I definitely think he is nuts and not in a good way. Once, we were sat having a drink in a pub and the zip of my dress had come down slightly. I asked him to yank it back up for me as I couldn't reach it. Instead of doing as I asked, he pulled it all the way down, showing my bra straps off. I went mad. Plus sitting sobbing in a pub because we hadn't seen each other for five days. Loads of stuff.

Glad to hear you're over your bastard now, SpringyDaffs. Where DO these twats come from?

How could you bear the sitting sobbing bollocks? How did that not make you run a mile?
Next time you meet a man who sobs when he doesn't see you for a few days take it for the red flag of weirdness that it blatantly is!

Like Formidable Mrs C when I was eventually told about my STBXH's affair I also discovered that plenty of other people already knew, including my SIL.

Eventually OW's husband found out. He called STBXH to confront him and got me instead. He spilt it all out. Thank God. I was stunned and hurt by STBXH's betrayal but also humiliated by all these other people knowing. I can understand the employees not telling me, what a horrible position to be put in. But my holier-than-thou SIL, I'll never forgive.

I don't know how, but that poor woman needs to know she's married to a cheating bastard. Then she knows the truth of her life and can make a decision based on the facts.

Ha! That reminds me. Red flag of weirdness:

When we were just dating, my STBXH couldn't get through on the phone. My teenage daughter was on it. So, (pre mobile, fb days,) he ran all the way to my house. From his 7 miles away.

No, he wasn't a regular runner, he'd not run any distance for years. Aahhh! It was so sweet. He loved me .

No, actually. He's a personality disordered abuser. I just didn't recognise a red flag of weirdness (great phrase, osbsidian) when it was being waved in my face.

" He works as an academic librarian and stole books from his work and gave them to me."
Do you still have them? Could you return them to the manager of the library with a covering letter, apologising that you hadn't realised when you were given them that they were stolen, but now that you do you are returning them?

WhataTwit...listen to Springy, she knows of what she speaks! Springy x

I found out a long way before my husband and OW think. I gave them every opportunity to own up. They didn't. I already had my suspicions and asked husband outright if it was her, he looked at me like I was nuts and said "I haven't seen her for years". Not entirely sure how he was going to deal with that long term and he was actually living with her at that point but pretending he was living with somebody I considered a friend...he must have actually shit himself. His face said it all. It confirmed what I already knew. OW's friend had also looked me up on LinkedIn. A few searches later confirmed everything (plus having a computer expert friend who came in very very useful). The funny thing was, when they finally owned up, OW was as sweet as pie as her husband had recently been killed and she KNEW she was in the shit. She then turned very very nasty and has continued along those lines ever since.

I think the fact that so many knew...very many have told me about his other affairs, including his clients, somebody who employs him now, his nephew, his stepfather...oh it goes on. I wish one of them had come forward earlier and told me. I am still going through this shit two years later. Rozalia and I both know how painful this is.

Tell her. Many others won't agree but that would be my stance.

Another cheated on wife here who would rather have been told. It's humiliating enough when you find out but even worse when you find out plenty of people knew. Long term you would be doing her a favour OP, but if you do say do it with compassion for his wife and not just to get revenge on him.

Yes, it's not about revenge, it's showing compassion to the woman. I'm always amazed by the MN posters who claim you should keep quiet. If I'd known sooner it would have saved me months of thinking I was going mad. I had suspicions but my STBXH always talked me out of them. Let alone the risk to my health.

Oh and I had tried to contact OW's husband when I found out it was her and before I let on to my husband that I knew. It was then I found out he had been killed. Didn't stop her moving my husband in five months later with her 7 year old ...perfectly normal behaviour for a "grieving" widow!

As Iwas says, I think you'd be doing her a favour but it is really difficult to know how to handle it. I quite like WhereYouLeftIt's idea too...

I can guess his poor wife is not totally oblivious to his cheating, she is probably at home wondering where he is, suspecting something is not right, but she can't put her finger on it, and she has no evidence of an affair. If she does confront him, he will lay all the blame on her, that she is nuts, insecure, etc.

He played mind games with you, can you even begin to imagine the mind fucks he plays with her.

Its a hard one to know if you should tell her, but I would lean towards somehow letting her know.

She may be relieved to know she wasn't going crazy after all, she may be one of those women who can turn a blind eye so it won't be any surprise to her, or she may decide to stay with him and try to make a go of it hoping he will change.

I'm not saying that the op shouldn't tell the wife. I just don't think she should act out of anger and a desire for vengeance. She should consider carefully what the fallout may be, and act calmly.

I have a friend who was told by the other woman that her husband had cheated. This ow did know that he was married, so my friend didn't have warm fuzzy feelings for her, but I know she's glad she was told.

Did you have sex with him? Then don't postpone STD test. If he has at least 3 women at a same time, god only knows what stuff he spreads between them. And forget the arse, the sooner the better. I would even suggest not to get involved in any contact with him.

You were right not to tell her in Tesco, but it seems that you need to tell her in a calm and as emotionless as possible way, just to get the information to her, that he was effectively 'dating' you with cock shots and you found out he wasn't single and thought she should know. It seems like you feel you can't carry the burden of keeping this secret while carrying on with your life, and it seems to be very seriously affecting you.

The shit about 'my kids don't deserve this' - that's his fault, not yours. It's not your job to help keep his wife in the dark just so she's tricked into looking after his knob kids for the rest of her life.

It sounds like you need to draw a line under this and move on, so I would do that ASAP if I were you. Email her today (not anonymously - she won't believe you and it'll make it easier for him to convince her it's a wind up or mistake, and you have done nothing wrong), get it over and done with for both of you.

Return the books - you might get done for being in possession of stolen property.

Tell the wife - another cheated on MNer here - was the worst thing that everyone knew except me and my children.

Not sure what you should say though if you are to do it anonymously - and how you can be sure that any communication is not intercepted by him.

Do you also need to include proof - otherwise she will be running around like a demented woman looking for evidence that he will have erased.

Take strength that you rumbled him sooner rather than later and that you didnt talk about your new relationship unwittingly to any of her friends or family.

Are you and your husband officially separated ?

Where did you go to meet up, did he make an excuse as to why you couldn't come to his?