How to treat children of new partner?

[24ten]

I've just started a relationship with a lovely woman, a single mum to two kids (boy 7, girl 8). I've met her children a couple of times now but I'd love any advice on how to behave towards them because they're both dreadfully spoilt and badly behaved, especially the boy.

I was over for dinner with them yesterday evening and they completely ignored everything she asked them to do. They'd get up in the middle of the meal and run about, play with iPads at the table, make rude noises, and so on, and she would plead with them to behave but completely ineffectually.

I tried to reassure her that it was ok and it didn't bother me, they're just playing up to get attention because someone new is around and they will settle down, but she was mortified. She says she knows she spoils them and is ashamed they behave like that but she's been alone with them so long that she's let them fall into bad habits. (Their father lives away and usually only sees them for a few hours once or twice a month.)

So, I don't know what I should do. If she asks them to sit down and they play up and ignore her should I ignore them, be strict and shout at them, make a joke and play with them try to get on their side, or what?

I don't think it's my place to interfere, especially as it's so early in our relationship, and I certainly don't want to do or say anything that appears like I'm criticising her (and I don't think I need to, as she knows she's spoilt them), but I would like to help and support her if I can. Any advice, or should I just wait and hope things settle down by themselves?

Surly I think he listened

No one is saying this woman can't have a relationship but if her primary relationship with her children is in difficulty, than that's where her focus should be. There's a danger her weak boundaries could inadvertently suck you into a parenting dynamic, which could be detrimental to her relationship with her children, her relationship with you, your future relationship with her children and most importantly, the delopement of her children.

If you really want to help her, encourage her to seek parenting support (gingerbread, sure start centre etc) to strengthen her parental relationship and for now, limit your interactions with her children. If this relationship has potential, build it on a strong foundation and in this instance, the parental relationship is a very important element.

Tread carefully, when children are involved (especially young ones) the stakes are always higher.

or you can specify that you are looking for other dms in your locality to form a babysitting 'club' where no money changes hands.

Nice idea but it doesn't work if you are a lone parent. So ....back to my point. Finding babysitters is not always easy peasy. Not all lps have an eow nrp.

I also do not think it is a massive deal to introduce partners to your kids. As long as you don't say here's your new daddy. kids are pretty resilient and a lot less judgy than MN my dcs meet my friends, some of my colleagues and also my dp. They don't find out a dp is anything more than a friend for a while. Its not the massive enormous deal people make out. People come and go in kids lives all the time. Teachers, friends etc. Etc. Unless parents make a massive deal out of it kids tend not to.

Also agree the run away remarks are a bit much. I'd say proceed with caution. Offer support where you can (more likely a sympathetic ear than anything else) and remrmber ultimately not your problem - not your circus, not your monkeys.

Parenting easy to judge, harder to do.

I think OP has a 'knight on a white stead' complex

This is my impression too, OP. Do what you like, but we all could tell you a true hard luck story if we wanted. I really don't trust these relationships where one party feels dreadfully sorry for the other, I don't think it is a healthy basis. And if you don't like the children, it will be even harder, because you really cannot interfere.

Not read past the first page, but . I am a lone parent, I work FT and have been there with high needs badly behaved toddler. Quite frankly I would not have had anyone round for dinner, but I also get your point about lack of time and support in her life. I just decided to be single but that is not everyone's choice!

If OP is still reading, I think based on my own unruly pre-schooler, the key is consistency and boundaries. It is not your place to interfere, you are right, but you can have a consistent routine for yourself - I e go for dinner weekly or have a set time for doing something with DC so they know what to expect.
Also reassure your partner - it is small steps - iPads at the table - at least they are at the table, so talk to them and not your partner - ask them what is on the iPad - treat the children as people basically. It gets easier as DC get older but honestly, sometimes as a lone parent, you are just glad the children have eaten their veg, even if they jumped right up and gone back to playing thereafter. Five minutes at the table for an active three year old is a LONG time.

Ah okay, just read the rest of the thread - I tend to agree with the OP on page 2. This doesn't qualify as 'support' in any way. I am actually shocked at some of the comments.

So many angry women on the relationship forum.

A nice man comes along wanting to do the right thing by a woman he cares about and her kids - and what happens?

She gets criticised. He gets criticised. The kids get criticised.

How about some loving support for people trying to find their way in a messy world?

There's lots of different opinions here, and the most aggressive of those are from a man so I don't understand why you want to characterise this thread as 'so many angry women'? Perhaps you could explain?

I too think the op sounds nice - however getting in a relationship with someone with badly behaved children is tough. The op has been warned.

goddessofsmallthings

Your are right, my 9 year old loves talking to him and will ask him 1001 questions.. The most random established questions.. which oh will happyly answer...
My 6 year old enjoys being around him but he is a lot more shy. But I wouldn't say they fight for his attention...though I guess they don't really have to.

Any way.. good luck op.

24ten

As someone who has been in this situation.

give it a couple of weeks and see what happens, the children will either calm down, stay the same or get worse.

Do not take on any responsibility for disciplining the children, it will not end well.
If this lasts and she says "why are you not disciplining the children", run (don't walk) away.
If they start getting gobby with you (no/little prevention from the mother) run.

If things settle down, (you may be able to influence situations as suggested up thread) fine.

But frankly it doesn't look very promising.

As an aside and putting forward what other posters have said, If you are doing this because you think that you can save/help her don't. the only one that can do that is the woman herself.