How to treat children of new partner?

[24ten]

I've just started a relationship with a lovely woman, a single mum to two kids (boy 7, girl 8). I've met her children a couple of times now but I'd love any advice on how to behave towards them because they're both dreadfully spoilt and badly behaved, especially the boy.

I was over for dinner with them yesterday evening and they completely ignored everything she asked them to do. They'd get up in the middle of the meal and run about, play with iPads at the table, make rude noises, and so on, and she would plead with them to behave but completely ineffectually.

I tried to reassure her that it was ok and it didn't bother me, they're just playing up to get attention because someone new is around and they will settle down, but she was mortified. She says she knows she spoils them and is ashamed they behave like that but she's been alone with them so long that she's let them fall into bad habits. (Their father lives away and usually only sees them for a few hours once or twice a month.)

So, I don't know what I should do. If she asks them to sit down and they play up and ignore her should I ignore them, be strict and shout at them, make a joke and play with them try to get on their side, or what?

I don't think it's my place to interfere, especially as it's so early in our relationship, and I certainly don't want to do or say anything that appears like I'm criticising her (and I don't think I need to, as she knows she's spoilt them), but I would like to help and support her if I can. Any advice, or should I just wait and hope things settle down by themselves?

"I've known her for a couple of months now, and we've been intimate for a couple of weeks,"

It doesnt say theyve been dating for two months at all. Why dont you read the thread properly rebecca?

It isn't hard to get a babysitter, Rebecca, and even badly behaved dc can be brought into line by a teenager who's on their wavelength.

People who struggle with 'disciplining' their children either have low boundaries or are too lazy, or in some cases too depressed or too self-absorbed, to put the time and effort required into raising dc who are well-balanced and well-mannered.

I feel very sorry for these dc, and others like them, because all it will take to turn them around is firm boundaries and consistency on the part of their primary carer.

End the relationship.
Its too soon for you to be meeting her children. There is no reason at all why they should behave well when their mother brings an 'intimate' friend to the house. Quite rightly, they are uncomfortable with it, and are expressing that by their behaviour.

You've made a very good point, mrstwee.

Even if they have been dating for two months, it's far too early for the OP to have met the dc let alone stay overnight, Rebecca.

Why is it difficult to get a babysitter? Lots of teenagers advertise their services on boards in local supermarkets and an ad on gumtree should attract a response from suitable candidates.

Seriously?

It is hard to get a sitter. I am an lp. I am pretty laid back. But I wouldn't let a teenager that I did not know be in my house alone unless they were introduced through a friend. let alone let them look after my dc. I would love to find a reliable teenage babysitter but it is not as easy as an ad in gumtree.

But yes op butt out. If she asks you for help then fair enough.
Hopefully the fact you were there has drawn her attention to the dcs behaviour and she might get on top of it hide their ipads for a start

Do you have dc?
Do you want dc?

Early doors but if you are even remotely thinking dc together at some point, then your parenting styles might be too different to work.

I'm not proposing that you employ the first teenage would-be babysitter that walks through the door without having interviewed them, watched them interact with the dc, checked their references, and spoken to their parents, Small.

Even then, I'd give them a dummy run by arranging for them to babysit from, say, 7.00-10pm, taking myself off to a local hostelry and popping back after half an hour to make sure all was ok, and an hour after that.

As it happens, an ad on gumtree can produce responses from experienced babysitters of mature years or you can specify that you are looking for other dms in your locality to form a babysitting 'club' where no money changes hands.

Wow. I mean wow. I'm genuinely shocked at how prejudiced and judgmental people are on this forum.

thought it ok to meet my children after two weeks of being together...
RIDICULOUSLY early

She was ill with a bug that day, stressed and tired and at her wits end with the children, and said she was desperate to see me, so I offered to help her cook dinner. I came over and was presented to the children as a friend or neighbour who might pop round to help their mum. I prepared dinner for them, stayed a couple of hours, and left, nothing else happened.

contemplated shouting at and being strict with my children...
you're asking if you should be disciplining them!

No of course not, I'd never do that in a million years. Figure of speech.

I was just wondering what I should do when they played up:
a) intervene and say something like "you really should listen to your mother and do what she's telling you",
b) try to make light of it with some kind of joke, or
c) just shut up and keep out of it.
I did the latter but kept wondering if I could or should be doing anything more constructive to help.

criticized my parenting

No, that's what all YOU lot are doing, saying I should dump someone who brings their children up like that. I was defending her, not criticizing her at all. I can see why she's in the position she's in and that it's not her fault. I posted here not to complain but to see if there's anything I can do to help.

I hoped a forum like this might be able to offer some helpful advice and support but it seems like I was mistaken.

Actually, I'm wrong, and coming here HAS helped. Some of the people here are displaying so much bitterness and prejudice that it seems like they're the ones with the real problems. It puts any concerns or questions I might have into perspective and reassures me that if I keep muddling through the way I have been things will be absolutely fine.

So thank you, and good bye.

You're as deluded as hell man,

You met her online?

She's a 'struggling' single mum with a bastard ex?

You are sleeping in the children's home aren't you.

You are a sucker, and are being played.

I'd hope the 'victim' story is genuine, because as a father dealing with this kinda crap, you Sir are a pawn in a game that will wreck you're life,

And genuinely, you won't be aware of it but you are putting yourself in an extremely dangerous position.

Rebecca & Hesterton - excellent intelligent advice given.

All of this "end the relationship" is utter nonsense. It's not going to happen, and it is not addressing what the OP is asking in the slightest.

" contemplated shouting at and being strict with my children...
you're asking if you should be disciplining them!

No of course not, I'd never do that in a million years. Figure of speech. "

"If she asks them to sit down and they play up and ignore her should I ignore them, be strict and shout at them "

These are your exact words!

" criticized my parenting

No, that's what all YOU lot are doing, saying I should dump someone who brings their children up like that. I was defending her, not criticizing her at all. "

"they're both dreadfully spoilt"

"she would plead with them to behave but completely ineffectually."

These are also your exact words.

"so much bitterness and prejudice"
Prejudice against what?

"I keep muddling through the way I have been things will be absolutely fine."

Ahhh bless! Youre in for a shock. Good luck to those children.

Sorry X post OP
Good luck - I am sure you will all be fine.

What prejudice?

Man, you a fool.

And will be played as such,

you wanted validation, didn't get it and will now continue pursue your desperate online attempts at a relationship.

I'm hoping you haven't flounced, OP, as there are many gold nuggets to be found amongst the cordite pyrite and also because, out of curiousity, I'd like to know whether you involved the children in preparing the dinner you cooked for them?

clearly you don't have children of your own,
do these children a favour and get the hell out of their lives.

Of course being a shit, lazy parent is her fault. You're obviously not a parent. Good luck, you'll need it.

Where does it say he met her online? Or any indication that he is "being played" sonny are you making things up as you go along pet? Or are you reading two threads at once and mixing them up?

Gosh, quite polarised here...

Op, be wary, spoilt brats and an ineffectual parent will not a happy future make.

I think meeting the kids casually is fine (this is a minority view here) and it sounds like you care for her. I agree with pps advice of distractiion and humour. Dh is stepdad of ten years to my boy and he's hardly ever told him off - that's my department. Good luck.

Absolutely not SurlyCue,

I reckon he met her online, that's my speculation.

Don't patronise me with you 'pet'.

He most definitely is being played.

What's wrong with meeting people online?

Where are you getting 'being played' from?

Caring for someone that you just met?

thehyp,

Because they are strangers and the parent in this scenario is bringing strangers into the children's home immediately.

He most definitely is being played

In what way pet? What evidence is there in his posts?

pfft some of the responses on here are just .

If you really feel that you could have a future with your gf then I suggest you persevere but in the knowledge that she and her children come as a package, and her parenting styles/expectations are different from yours. Something which im sure you will discuss in due time should you decide to have children together. Id also second not interfering in disciplining them at this early stage.

As for the babysitting, if I didnt have family willing to babysit, Id never get out as I just wouldnt trust some random strange teenager to look after my children regardless of what references they had.

Fwiw my partner met my son after we had been dating only a couple of months. Ideal, perhaps not, but this is just sometimes how life pans out. Over ten years later my son and partner now consider themselves father and son.

Immediately? Strangers? Being played at? An online relationship?

You're exaggerating and making things up.