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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to treat children of new partner?

85 replies

24ten · 29/08/2015 10:59

I've just started a relationship with a lovely woman, a single mum to two kids (boy 7, girl 8). I've met her children a couple of times now but I'd love any advice on how to behave towards them because they're both dreadfully spoilt and badly behaved, especially the boy.

I was over for dinner with them yesterday evening and they completely ignored everything she asked them to do. They'd get up in the middle of the meal and run about, play with iPads at the table, make rude noises, and so on, and she would plead with them to behave but completely ineffectually.

I tried to reassure her that it was ok and it didn't bother me, they're just playing up to get attention because someone new is around and they will settle down, but she was mortified. She says she knows she spoils them and is ashamed they behave like that but she's been alone with them so long that she's let them fall into bad habits. (Their father lives away and usually only sees them for a few hours once or twice a month.)

So, I don't know what I should do. If she asks them to sit down and they play up and ignore her should I ignore them, be strict and shout at them, make a joke and play with them try to get on their side, or what?

I don't think it's my place to interfere, especially as it's so early in our relationship, and I certainly don't want to do or say anything that appears like I'm criticising her (and I don't think I need to, as she knows she's spoilt them), but I would like to help and support her if I can. Any advice, or should I just wait and hope things settle down by themselves?

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 29/08/2015 22:43

In think you might be projecting a wee bit sonny

Were you burned by a player on POF?

SurlyCue · 29/08/2015 22:45

I just wouldnt trust some random strange teenager to look after my children

Why would that be the only choice of babysitter?

sonnyson12 · 29/08/2015 22:47

SurlyCue,

With respect, I'm not you're 'pet', lose that.

The evidence is,

"just started a relationship", "do I shout at children".

Are you seriously trying to tell me this guy has not just met a woman with kids on line? She too busy for childcare and therefore has to bed up with OD randomes, really?

thehypocritesoaf · 29/08/2015 22:50

The op hasn't said and anyway, why does meeting someone on line mean you're a player?

Arsenic · 29/08/2015 22:51

If you're a parent, your job is to parent your DC. What's all this crazy 'not her fault' 'dad's not about' nonsense?

wonderingsoul · 29/08/2015 22:51

Op- I wonder had you been female you'd have got a different answer.

For what it's worth you don't come off as a ass who's trying to take control. Just a natural questions I'm to a hard situation.

To the past poster who said the boy would lock horns with him.. not always. .. off course this can happen but not always.
I have two boys ome being 9, who where used to it being just us 3 for almost 7 years. I now have a boyfriend and they get on really well with him. There's no power struggle what's so ever. So it can be done.

For now I think all you can do is just get to know her more, when you see the kids keep talking and praising.

thehypocritesoaf · 29/08/2015 22:52

All women who meet their partners on line are 'players', is that it, pet?

SurlyCue · 29/08/2015 22:52

The evidence is

""just started a relationship", "do I shout at children".

This is evidence he is being played? are you sure love? That doesnt sound right. It would mean anyone who has just started a relationship and/or wondered if they should shout at the children was being played. That seems an odd rule.

Arsenic · 29/08/2015 22:52

I think OP has a 'knight on a white stead' complex.

sonnyson12 · 29/08/2015 22:53

SurlyCue,

POF, never done it never will, you have though.

Arsenic · 29/08/2015 22:54

Oh great, we have a rogue pillock-boy.

BitOfFun · 29/08/2015 22:54

Are you male or female, OP? Sorry if I missed you specifically mentioning it, but it might make a difference.

SurlyCue · 29/08/2015 22:55

I have pet. Came across lots of men with the same ignorant opinions as you. Thats why i asked love.

thehypocritesoaf · 29/08/2015 22:55

Every self respecting thread must have one.

harrasseddotcom · 29/08/2015 22:56

sorry let me rephrase that, if i had no close family I would not trust any random strangers to babysit my children be they recommended from a babysitting company or a group formed from Gumtree etc. For me personally I could not do it.

BackInTheRealWorld · 29/08/2015 23:00

This wasn't written by a bloke. Not having it. This is totally a 'scenario'...

sonnyson12 · 29/08/2015 23:02

Peace, in order to protect my own, it so happened that a parent faced prison, discuss.

SurlyCue · 29/08/2015 23:04

Discuss it yourself!

Arsenic · 29/08/2015 23:05

Are you posting through an early version of Google Translate sonny?

SurlyCue · 29/08/2015 23:07

I think hes had too much fizzy pop. Words are just coming out in no order at all.

sonnyson12 · 29/08/2015 23:07

No, I'm not.

lunar1 · 29/08/2015 23:09

You need to look at the possible outcomes here. You casually date and see the children occasionally then their behaviour won't be much of a problem. But if you see something more serious on the cards then you need to tread very carefully.

We all parent in different ways, I tend to be on the firm but fair side. My boys can play up just as much as any child but they know when to draw the line. A stranger coming for dinner would have them on best behaviour without me having to say a word.

I could not tolerate behaviour you described, it would drive me mad. Your girlfriends children behave how they have been allowed to behave for years, if you get more serious with her this, and worse is what you can expect from them because it's how they have been brought up.

If you become a more permanent fixture can you take them as they are or will you want to change things?

If rules start to change because you are around, they will blame you. It doesn't matter that the changes will help them in the long run, they won't see that. They will see that you are taking over their family. All four of you would be in for a really tough ride. I honestly think it's vital to chose a partner who has similar values and methods of parenting as yourself. I don't think any good can come of this if their behaviour has pissed you off so much after one meal together.

Arsenic · 29/08/2015 23:09

Perhaps you should have an early night sonny.

SurlyCue · 29/08/2015 23:14

His mum will be up soon to put him to bed. Once she finishes chatting to Gaz1982 on POF.

goddessofsmallthings · 29/08/2015 23:21

If we take that to its logical conclusion, dot, we'd be a nation of inbreds

I was the one who used the 'locked horns' analogy, wonderingsoul but with 2 boys the dynamic is different and, unless one of them was extraordinarily shy, I would expect them to vie for the attention of any male who was introduced to them.

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