left at 4 months pregnant on facebook and now he won't leave me alone

[soph222]

Long story but here goes....

I'd known my bf 5 years 2 of which we were together for, he was my best friend. I have a son from a previous partner which my bf said he loved as his own, he loved me and he's a part of me. 8 months ago I found out I was pregnant ( it wasn't planned) I'm 26 he's a couple of years younger. He initially wanted an abortion, we spent the first 3 months him telling me that's what he wanted and that's what'd be best for us both and he'd be there for me through it every step of the way. I however do not believe in abortions and spent 3months explaining I didn't want to go through that, I'd decided I was keeping the baby and told him it's fine if he doesn't want to be involved.

He said no he'd be there he didn't want to look like one of those guys who ran off and left a girl pregnant.....I spent the following month trying the communicate about the baby with him but just got ignored and the subject changed to something he was interested in, I could understand he was scared and didn't want to push things.

He then informed me a while layer his mother was buying colts for her holiday home and her house and he'd decided they'd have the baby a few days and I'd have the baby the rest (after talking about moving his stuff in mine and telling me to make room for me making me believe he planned on staying there) my reaction was my baby isn't spending half the week away from me. If he wanted to spend every night with the baby he could move in and take responsibility and pay his way. If he didn't feel ready for this then he could stay at his mums as many days as he wanted but if he chose that them nights the baby would be staying at my house.

He then informed me that my son is not his and he won't be making him or me a priority. If both the children were being cared for whilst we were at work, he'd only be collecting his child and taking it to his home whilst leaving my other child in childcare. My reaction was he came into my son's life he new I had him when we got together and the children were to be treated the same end of. He wasn't happy with these 2 reactions from me and went on to dump me over Facebook.

He said he wasn't ready for commitment or responsibility and didn't want his money going on me or my child that he was going to live his life how he wants and be there for the child. He didn't ever want to come to my previous scan but since his mum now new wanted to come to the 20 week one so he could no the sex. I said I wanted someone with me at the scan that was going to support ME throughout my pregnancy and be there for ME when I'm at my most vulnerable, he'd.chose to go live his life and just turn up for a scan which honestly would have been stressful and difficult for me to cope with as I still loved him and didn't really get why he'd be happy to run off and leave me when I needed him most.

He went on to live his life going out etc whilst I was preparing for baby I put a pic of my scan on fb and he kicked of saying I was playing games and it was stressing his sister out, so I deleted them. Which was better for my own sanity too as I didn't have to see him adding aload of girls he'd met on dating sites.

I've had extra scans for growth as I was considered as high risk and wanted a 3d one too which I paid for. My mind set was leave him to wjat he wants to do and I'll enjoy my pregnancy buying outfits and preparing for baba.

I then received many texts from him and his mother (I was angry at the time) and I didn't want to meet up to discuss the arrangements of them seeing the baby it was vital my blood pressure remained low for the health of me and.baby and I didn't want to risk it meeting up with them and getting upset and stressed out more than I already was.

I later received a letter saying he felt he should be at future scans the birth he wanted it to have his last name and to decide the first name, after 3 months he wanted the baby at his half the week and if I didn't reply legal action would be taken. My reply was regarding the circumstances I didn't see it appropriate that he attended scans and the birth I stand by his rights as a father and would be in touch after the birth for when he could come and bond with baby.

I then received another letter from a solicitor saying that I urgently need to contact him regarding him seeing the baby which is still not born I need to phone him when I go into labour I need to take scan pictures of my Facebook (I'm not even friends with him on there anymore) but it's distressing for him they no I've been away as they saw on fb but they need me to get in contact ASAP so he knows when he can see the baby they recommend a minimum of an hour a day and he wants paternity leave.....

I just feel.like I can't be left alone all I want is to enjoy my pregnancy but all I'm getting is letters demanding what he wants I can understand he feels left out and uneasy not knowing what's going on but I've always said I want him to be in the baby's life and that whilst baby isn't here I want to be left alone and not be stressed out for the health of our baby. Which might be hard for him to understand but he made the choice to leave and live his life how he wanted whilst I carried on with the reality of pregnancy. Am I wrong to want to have this time to myself stress free with people who are supporting me without him ruining any bit of happiness I get?

Whattodo.

What legal route?

There is no legal route possible for him to go down until the baby is actually born. And even then he wouldn't be able to force her to have him attend the birth

Hi OP, this bloke has behaved very unreasonably. I do agree that it may have taken time for him to get his head round the idea of fatherhood though. My husband struggled with it and that was a baby much wanted by him.

Is there any possibility of mediation somehow with a independent person who could support you both.

I think you did the right thing getting a copy of the scan photo for him. What a shame he was too pigheaded to collect it.

Other than that

He cannot dictate what you out on Facebook.

He cannot choose the name.....if he'd stayed with you he would have had the privilege of helping choose it. He chose to walk away instead.

Ditto religion etc.

I really don't think it's fair for posters to throw at him that he wanted to terminate the pregnancy.

LOADS of women want to, for a time, then choose not to. And they are not bad parents for that.

It's not a crime that he didn't want an accidental pregnancy to continue.

OK, so in this case he didn't change his mind but was presented with becoming a father.

But it's OK to have not wanted that and then come to terms with it.

There's a lot in here that certainly makes me very suspicious of him. But when I suggested that it wasn't fair to refuse to let him come to the scan and then post the photo on fb without also sending it to him, OP said she offered it but "he wouldn't come and get it".

Don't forget there are always two sides. Why should he have to physically come and get it? When there relationship had broken down? Why wasn't it photographed and texted over immediately?

Yeah, the letter could be because he or his mother is a bullying arsehole. But it could also be that it has escalated because the OP refused to engage.

This is his child too, even if he didn't want it initially.

Sending her a solicitors letter full of 'You will do things my way or else' threats squashes any sympathy I'd have for him. Purposely trying to frighten and control a pregnant woman is revolting.

when I suggested that it wasn't fair to refuse to let him come to the scan and then post the photo on fb without also sending it to him, OP said she offered it but "he wouldn't come and get it". Why should he have to physically come and get it? When there relationship had broken down? Why wasn't it photographed and texted over immediately?

But why couldn't he come and get it? That's not unreasonable, and nothing to do with their relationship. Why did it have to be sent to him immediately? It wasn't a self-combusting scan picture that was going to burn itself up within the hour. It makes me queasy that there are always people who will suggest that whatever a woman is doing to cope within the face of her aggressive controlling ex's actions, she should have been doing more - to help him. HIS actions have led to these dramas, not hers. And if she lets him wipe his feet on her now, it will never stop.

*in the face of, not 'within'.

This is his child too, even if he didn't want it initially.

There is no child yet. Right now it's her, and her body, and he has no right to be making demands of her.

Scans can be nerve wracking (and potentially embarrassing what with feeling the overwhelming urge to pee). They are a health check for her as well as the foetus. Childbirth is painful and can be frightening (also humiliating - would you want someone who detests you getting to watch you crap yourself on a delivery table?). He has no right to demand that he has a full involvement in the things that are happening to her body at times when she will be vulnerable.

And I find it hard to believe that he is reacting to her bad behaviour. Reasonable people do not send overtly hostile lawyers letters full of threats and demands.

In what way is this man in any way trying to have an adult conversation? He's gone directly to demands and veiled threats. If he was being reasonable and approachable the OP wouldn't be posting for advice. Enabling him and exposing herself to what he's showing signs of considering is not at all sensible, not to mention she is the one pregnant and affecting his child with the stress he's putting on her. it's hardly a 'poor bloke' situation. And yes, of course three months trying to get OP to have an abortion is relevant, emotionally that's very hard to forget.

Reading between the lines it sounds like ex is not that bothered and would have moved on as he did. His mother is the one who is steering him, with hunger to raise her son's baby. Absolutely understandable. But bullying and stressing the child's mother is an insensitive and very counterproductive way to get what she's hoping for.

I have put myself in his shoes and no I wouldn't have treated him the way he's treated me. I never thought for a second he would act like this, I can understand him jumping to an abortion as he's scared. Him and his ex had a few. But as soon as I said I was keeping it, he changed. Again I understand that he'd be resentful. I was the terrible person changing his life and he wouldn't speak to me... Again I guess that's normal for some men not holding that against him. He didn't want the responsibility he wanted his car holidays and money to himself. Again I said fair enough that's your choice. It was my choice to have the baby, if he wanted to " take a step back" then that's down to him I can even understand needing that space because he's not ready. But then telling his mum who's buying cots for her holiday home and telling me this isn't what she wants for her son for another 2 years, planning what days it's staying with him when Noones even spoke to me about it. Then dumping me on facebook and refusing to talk unless it was him or his mum sending me texts about the baby's living arrangements and what they want. Sending me letters saying they have the right to name baby, be at scans, be at the birth, have their last name their religion, they will be having baby at 3 months over night however many days a week as that their right.

I got the extra scan picture as I thought it was the right thing to do, I wasn't running round with it I paid for it and made the effort to get it, I feel if he was really bothered then coming and getting the picture wouldn't be alot to expect.

He's told a mutual friend he plans on taking me to court as soon as I leave the hospital.....all I've said to him is I stand by his rights I want him involved with the baby but I just want some space at this time as the situation for me is stressful baby is smaller than normal and I am high risk, so baby's health is the most important thing. So I don't want anymore unnecessary stress added on, I dont think that's unfair. I've said I'll contact him when baby's here and sort out access and everything else. I've given him no reason to send me solicitor letters to demand I reply urgently to all their demands.

I respect that he is the father of my child and I am not getting in the way of him being in that role. I have shown a solicitor his letters now and they can't actually believe what is in them and the way they have gone about it maybe they are biased to me? I don't know it's hard without posting the letters and texts for you to see the way it has been handled. Maybe he believes he's going the best way about it and is being reasonable
reasonable? I don't think I've been unreasonable, maybe I'm wrong. But he has said some awful stuff and been so contradicting it's hard to work it all out. And it is worrying and scary not knowing if I'm doing the right thing/going the right way whilst having someone reciting rights and demands

Cabrinha, what are you smoking? And why aren't you sharing?

There is no comparison between a woman considering abortion for herself and an outside party attempting to bully and pressure her into it. It is an invasive, major, physically and emotionally demanding medical procedure. Can't you understand the difference between the patient choosing it for herself and someone else trying to impose it on her?

But let's say you're right and it was just a moment of madness. Fact remains that he has alienated the OP, harassed her with threatening letters, refused to support her emotionally, and refused even to drop by and pick up a bloody scan - what does that say about his dedication to parenting? - and yet is now demanding to be present at the birth (for whose benefit?) and to have the child carry his name. He is threatening to sue her as soon as she gives birth, he is attempting to make childcare decisions without her that would involve a newborn being away from its mother overnight (with the help of his ghastly mother, because I don't think he'll be getting up to change nappies and prepare bottles at 2am, do you? The man who won't even drop round to pick up a scan? That he didn't attend or pay for?).

And you don't think that's enough? Who cares why the relationship broke down? (Although it's obvious that it's because he's an abusive twunt.) Why should a woman in a high risk pregnancy who already had to go to the scan without him have to courier the picture to his doorstep? The man is abusive, entitled and controlling. Even if OP did do him wrong somehow, there's no justification for what he's doing. Who gives a sun blushed shit what he thinks?

Normally I'd be with the posters saying that he certainly has no right to be at the birth or to force his name on the poor child, but he does have a right to a relationship with the child once it's born (indeed the child has that right). But this man is so horrendous, so threatening, so revolting, so eager to abuse and piss all over a woman in a high risk pregnancy, I think he has forfeited this right. I'm not convinced the child would be safe with him, certainly the mother isn't. He's already putting the child at risk before it's even born by harassing and threatening the mother when the pregnancy is high risk. Everything he does is about what he wants and doesn't want, nothing to do with the baby's benefit at all.

It is of course OP's situation, she knows him and I don't, but personally I think he has forfeited any rights at all until he can prove he's earned them. And I don't see that happening any time soon.

He doesn't have any rights. The child isn't born yet. At the moment it's part of your body. It's part of you. This means he has no right to watch you give birth or attend any medical appointments.

Once the baby is born... the baby has the right to a relationship with it's father (this is the baby's right, not the father's), which I think you're prepared to allow, and have always maintained this in your communication with him. I think he's being unreasonable to expect overnight contact with a new born! There's no way I'd leave my baby with just my husband to look after it and we're in a happy committed relationship! The fact of the matter is that a new born baby needs it's mother more than its father - particularly if it's being breastfed. Which you say you're planning to do, and as that's the feeding method advised by the WHO and NHS you shouldn't have to change your mind for him... clearly these organizations say bf is best (not making judgements here BTW, just stating fact) so no judge would suggest you change your chosen feeding method just to allow someone else to look after the baby overnight. No way. And even if you were formula feeding, I still can't imagine a judge enforcing overnight contact with your ex for at least a year.

I personally think you should ask them to stop contacting you. That you will let them know when the baby's born. That you will discuss contact with him then (not his mother, it's none of her business - grandmother or not!!!). And not before. State in writing that their continued harassment via any form of media is detrimental to your health and consequently your child's. State that the pregnancy is already considered high risk, and that his behaviour is not beneficial to the baby's health.

I would also speak to the police and get this harassment logged with them. Perhaps they could have a word with your ex and his mother? It might not help initially but it probably would be good to have logged if all this goes to court eventually.

I would write to him, not do any communication over the phone. That way it's recorded. I would also send any communication via his solicitor (that way he has to pay for their time!) Not direct to him... also maintains a paper trail. He's the one who brought the solicitor into this - use it to your advantage!

Take this time to get acquainted with you and your baby's rights. Don't engage with him or his mother anymore. Just say "I've replied to your solicitor, please stop contacting me" and where possible block him and his mother.

Bloody hell, his ex had a few abortions and now he's responsible for another life being started with the OP.

Clearly a man whose job dgenent isn't great and sees abortion as a normal form of contraception.

Not a man I'd trust do be decent and now the OP is chained to him for life as he is the parent of her baby.

I hope she can find a good way to cope with him as she'll have a lifetime of this ahead of her

ShebaShimmy firstly let's be clear that my previous posts said the same as everyone else - get legal advice and tell him to fuck off out of it until the baby is here.

But now people are posting about him bullying and coercing OP into an abortion.

But that's not what she said:

He initially wanted an abortion. We spent the first 3 months him telling me that's what he wanted and that's what'd be best for both of us and he'd be there for me through every step of the way

Now we weren't there - that could be bullying. But really, the OP didn't seem to be saying it was. They were still together after she said no she wanted to continue and after 3 months he stopped.

Their relationship broke down when he didn't want to move in with her, and came up with an utterly unrealistic proposal for immediate shared care. And that seems to be when it has got really nasty.

So I'll say again that the OP needs legal advice and needs to stand up to him. And I'll say again (and I'm far from the only one saying it) that his mother is pulling his strings.

But I don't see the OP saying he bullied her to have an abortion. And no, I don't think he should have physically had to go and collect a picture from her in person instead of her just texting a photo of it over to him. They'd had a bloody nasty breakdown and the OP says she was still in love with him. I'd have run a mile from collecting in person!

3 months telling op to get an abortion is bullying and harassment. It must have raised stress levels for her and the foetus. I would find it very strange thta any woman would say otherwise.

So in other words, Cabrinha, like amarmal says, he spent three months trying to persuade her to have a horrible invasive medical procedure because it suited him ('that's what he wanted'). Sure, he SAID he would be there for her every step of the way...has anything he's done since suggested that was his intention? If I spent three months trying to persuade you to have experimental pile surgery, would you think that was reasonable of me?

And you give him credit for hanging around even though his reason were because "he didn't want to look like one of those guys who ran off and left a girl pregnant". Not a genuine attempt to salvage the relationship, or to do right by anyone, but because of how he would look to other people.

Then he told the OP the baby wasn't his and it ended because "he said he wasn't ready for commitment or responsibility and didn't want his money going on me or my child that he was going to live his life how he wants and be there for the child." I'll repeat that last bit because it bears repeating, largely since it's utterly self contradictory and makes no fucking sense, like everything he has said and done: "he was going to live his life how he wants and be there for the child".

And has he been there for this unborn child?

Has he fuck. The only scan (and there have been more than usual since the pregnancy is high risk) he wanted to go to was the one where he could find out the sex, and even then only because Mummy Dearest wished it. If he's going to be a parent, it's not too much to ask that he should come round to collect the paper scan if he wants it after everything OP is going through. He sends her threatening horseshit solicitors' letters, wants to force her to have him witness the birth, wants to force her to give the child the name of his choosing, threatens to take her to court as soon as she's given birth, demands the baby leave her overnight as a newborn and more that I can't be bothered to repeat - and did I mention this is a high risk pregnancy? Everything the OP has had to go through from this dicksplash, and you think she's unreasonable for not texting him a photo that he demanded she delete from Facebook anyway (because it upset his sister, natch - does this turd ever take responsibility for his actions or does he blame all of them on his female relatives?)?

He IS a bully. He tried to make her abort, he got threatening letters sent to her from the Sue, Grabbit & Runne school of solicitors (assuming the letters are real, and if they are they're still horseshit) and he's doing everything in his power to intimidate and emotionally blackmail her, since he couldn't persuade her to abort.

He is an absolute turd of the first order and OP is a saint to have put up with as much as she has. Even if you leave off the fact that he wanted an abortion and she's just so evil for not travelling directly to his door with a piece of paper he could collect himself and demanded she not post on Facebook, he's still got enough twunty actions to his name by now for us not to have any sympathy.

Even if you leave off the fact that he wanted an abortion and she's just so evil for not travelling directly to his door with a piece of paper he could collect himself and demanded she not post on Facebook, he's still got enough twunty actions to his name by now for us not to have any sympathy.

Well said. I have never found MN anti men or anti father - in fact any woman posting here looking for support to write her child's father out of their lives without damn good reason gets her behind handed to her in a bag. MN is however passionately and gender-blindly anti twat when it comes to children and to abusive behaviour.

Just to mention: it's often said here that all the rights are the baby's, not the parent's. It really ought to be the truth as the child's rights are what matter. However unfortunately when you read court transcripts and family court decisions, a father's human right to family life is regularly mentioned as part of decisions over contact with a child, and currently there are cases where a child's right not to be distressed and abused comes secondary to their NRP's right to contact with them, unless the abuse is so strongly evidenced that the child is seen to be at actual risk of harm.

This is the reason why people in the OP's situation have to be bloody careful and manage the situation cautiously when the person likely to gain this legal power over their child is showing himself through his actions to be not putting the child first and less wanting to co parent (a co operative, joint process) than to take out a time share, whilst seeing the OP as an obstruction to his mother getting her baby. (Which the OP is growing for her while they affect the pregnancy by stressing the crap out of her.)

Imagine spending 3 months with someone trying to persuade you to abort the baby living inside you, if it's not what you want, it's hardly decent behaviour. However, my judgement of him isn't based on him wanting the abortion, it's on his behaviour once he didn't get his own way.

Can I second the suggestion for experimental pile surgery Sheba?

soph I would be really, really shocked if a solicitor wrote a letter saying those things. Personally I would drop them an email tomorrow morning and politely say 'I have received a letter from you which doesn't sound right to me, and am concerned it may be a forgery. If you have sent me a letter, could you please confirm this?' I really think it's worth checking this!

Either way, in your shoes I would also probably see a solicitor ASAP. And as another poster said, log/screenshot/save everything. You don't know what might be useful further down the line.

What a vile spineless little shit he is.

Scared of mummy dearest, scared of how people will see him if he walks away. Much easier to bully into an abortion because that will look better.

Charming, what a father he's going to make. Glad to hear you've had legal advice op.