left at 4 months pregnant on facebook and now he won't leave me alone

[soph222]

Long story but here goes....

I'd known my bf 5 years 2 of which we were together for, he was my best friend. I have a son from a previous partner which my bf said he loved as his own, he loved me and he's a part of me. 8 months ago I found out I was pregnant ( it wasn't planned) I'm 26 he's a couple of years younger. He initially wanted an abortion, we spent the first 3 months him telling me that's what he wanted and that's what'd be best for us both and he'd be there for me through it every step of the way. I however do not believe in abortions and spent 3months explaining I didn't want to go through that, I'd decided I was keeping the baby and told him it's fine if he doesn't want to be involved.

He said no he'd be there he didn't want to look like one of those guys who ran off and left a girl pregnant.....I spent the following month trying the communicate about the baby with him but just got ignored and the subject changed to something he was interested in, I could understand he was scared and didn't want to push things.

He then informed me a while layer his mother was buying colts for her holiday home and her house and he'd decided they'd have the baby a few days and I'd have the baby the rest (after talking about moving his stuff in mine and telling me to make room for me making me believe he planned on staying there) my reaction was my baby isn't spending half the week away from me. If he wanted to spend every night with the baby he could move in and take responsibility and pay his way. If he didn't feel ready for this then he could stay at his mums as many days as he wanted but if he chose that them nights the baby would be staying at my house.

He then informed me that my son is not his and he won't be making him or me a priority. If both the children were being cared for whilst we were at work, he'd only be collecting his child and taking it to his home whilst leaving my other child in childcare. My reaction was he came into my son's life he new I had him when we got together and the children were to be treated the same end of. He wasn't happy with these 2 reactions from me and went on to dump me over Facebook.

He said he wasn't ready for commitment or responsibility and didn't want his money going on me or my child that he was going to live his life how he wants and be there for the child. He didn't ever want to come to my previous scan but since his mum now new wanted to come to the 20 week one so he could no the sex. I said I wanted someone with me at the scan that was going to support ME throughout my pregnancy and be there for ME when I'm at my most vulnerable, he'd.chose to go live his life and just turn up for a scan which honestly would have been stressful and difficult for me to cope with as I still loved him and didn't really get why he'd be happy to run off and leave me when I needed him most.

He went on to live his life going out etc whilst I was preparing for baby I put a pic of my scan on fb and he kicked of saying I was playing games and it was stressing his sister out, so I deleted them. Which was better for my own sanity too as I didn't have to see him adding aload of girls he'd met on dating sites.

I've had extra scans for growth as I was considered as high risk and wanted a 3d one too which I paid for. My mind set was leave him to wjat he wants to do and I'll enjoy my pregnancy buying outfits and preparing for baba.

I then received many texts from him and his mother (I was angry at the time) and I didn't want to meet up to discuss the arrangements of them seeing the baby it was vital my blood pressure remained low for the health of me and.baby and I didn't want to risk it meeting up with them and getting upset and stressed out more than I already was.

I later received a letter saying he felt he should be at future scans the birth he wanted it to have his last name and to decide the first name, after 3 months he wanted the baby at his half the week and if I didn't reply legal action would be taken. My reply was regarding the circumstances I didn't see it appropriate that he attended scans and the birth I stand by his rights as a father and would be in touch after the birth for when he could come and bond with baby.

I then received another letter from a solicitor saying that I urgently need to contact him regarding him seeing the baby which is still not born I need to phone him when I go into labour I need to take scan pictures of my Facebook (I'm not even friends with him on there anymore) but it's distressing for him they no I've been away as they saw on fb but they need me to get in contact ASAP so he knows when he can see the baby they recommend a minimum of an hour a day and he wants paternity leave.....

I just feel.like I can't be left alone all I want is to enjoy my pregnancy but all I'm getting is letters demanding what he wants I can understand he feels left out and uneasy not knowing what's going on but I've always said I want him to be in the baby's life and that whilst baby isn't here I want to be left alone and not be stressed out for the health of our baby. Which might be hard for him to understand but he made the choice to leave and live his life how he wanted whilst I carried on with the reality of pregnancy. Am I wrong to want to have this time to myself stress free with people who are supporting me without him ruining any bit of happiness I get?

Please don't let him panic you, he really has no rights at all until the baby is born I promise you. After baby is born please don't put him on the birth certificate even if he suddenly becomes really nice, you know what he's capable of, don't make it easy for him. He has no right over the name, not at all. Don't tell him when you're registering the birth, do it by yourself, pick a name you love and tell him to get bent.

Thanks, no the solicitors letter didn't state consequences just that Its important to respond urgently. I imagine it's a scare tactic. It is worrying though.

They can't do anything ! Seriously tell them to fuck off.

It's really not important, if it were they'd have expanded on why.

There are some unbelievably bullshit posts on this thread OP from FFJ types and people who should know better. Luckily you seem to have your head screwed on and you can see through his intimidation and threat. Good luck with your pregnancy and with ignoring the silly behaviour of the sperm donor.

The scan is of the inside of you... he cannot dictate who you show that picture to!

Get rid. He will complicate your life and distress your son.

Wishing only good things for your little family. It might be hard being a lone parent (but who knows, you could meet somebody wonderful), but not as difficult as having to factor in a twat who should know better.

Yes... do not give your baby his name, or put him on the birth certificate... no matter how much he sucks up.

If he is worthy, all this can be done at a much later date.

everybody needs to know this fact.... Not just OP. ! SOLICITORS are NOT THE LAW !! solicitors are agents who act for one party. They are by fact 'biased'. You never never ever have to abide by something a solicitor says/writes UNLESS ITS ORDERED BY THE COURT. YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO DO THINGS ORDERED BY A COURT. If the other side writes you letters telling you to do stuff, UNLESS it's accompanied by a court order you are within your rights to ignore/use as loo paper...end of. op, recommend the latter

I agreed. The solicitors letter has no authority whatsoever.

In fact I don't believe it is a solicitors letter. I would phone and confirm it came from them .

He has no rights at all until the baby is born. Tell him and his family to go fuck themselves: they will be informed of the birth when it happens and until then any contact from them will be treated as harassment.
Don't put him on the birth certificate. Don't allow him, his mother or anyone else you don't like or who bullies you into hospital when you are in labour (you can ask the midwives etc to keep him and his family out and they will do so).

After the birth and when you and the baby are recovered you can agree to allow him to meet the baby - have a friend or relative with you so that this man can't act up or bully you.
He may well lose interest and drift away, which would be no bad thing (though you should inform the CSA and set them on him if he pays no maintenance). Otherwise, a court will expect reasonable contact to be arranged, but that doesn't mean you have to jump through hoops to keep him happy, it's the baby whose rights and wellbeing matter the most.

Keep the solicitors letter for future reference, it may come in handy if you ever need to prove in court that he was harassing you. But otherwise don't give it a second thought. He can't control you, and his solicitor can't control you, and it's pretty disgusting that they are even trying.

I agree with the others - get some legal advice if you can afford to, if you can't, then just disengage from him. Tell him you will contact him after the birth when you can discuss access and maintenance. Don't tell him about the birth until after the fact (I can't imagine many more off-putting things than having an enemy glaring at you from across the room while you are trying to give birth) and make sure that whoever is supporting you knows not to blab all over social media. Choose your own names, and register the birth yourself. Let him find out afterwards. If he kicks off, point out that he excluded himself by his unreasonable behaviour. Were you going to fight about names in front of the registrar?

Until the baby is born, this is about you and your body and you don't have to take any crap from him. But on the other hand, if you can find a way to co-parent civilly it will be much better for all of you. Do try to get past things that are irrelevant now - like the fact that he didn't want the baby. As someone said, it was a valid opinion, and the baby is a fact now so don't stress yourself out about things that don't matter. Same with your little boy. It's possible they may reconnect over time, especially with a relative in common. But for now, just leave it. It will happen organically or it won't, you can't force it. It's that old classic - choose your battles! Don't upset yourself over the things you can't change.

I know you want him on the birth cert, OP, but I really think life will be much easier without having him on it.

If he turns out to be a good father, brilliant, but if he shows this level of thoughtlessness towards your child, you will be able to put a stop to it.

I didn't put my dd's father's name on her birth certificate but didn't cut him out of her life either.

Please don't put him on the bc op. I have a friend who was in a similar situation and (thankfully) decided not to. The bio father was not particularly interested though.

When the baby was six weeks old (yes, pretty good going) she met someone lovely and ten years on they are happily married with a few more children. He's always accepted the eldest as his own and it had been easy for her to change the surname from her own to the family name, along with granting her dh pr etc.
Just hold on for now and see if he really does step up.

Call the solicitors. And ask them to confirm the contents of the letter. Also if it's real it'll be on headed paper and should state the solicitors regulation number. Look for this and do a search online.

I'd be speaking to a solicitor myself if I were you. Make sure you know what you want for after the birth now and get it all agreed now. Before baby comes and you're too tired emotional to do anything. You don't want him taking advantage of you when you're vulnerable.

I don't understand the need for women to fall over themselves to give the child the fathers name especially ehen they have split up.

op you don't need to validate this child with anyone apart from CS if you go down that road. You have had lots of good advice regarding why it would not be a good idea to give the child it's fathers surname. You need to protect that control that you have now, not relinquish it.

Also I'm wondering how much is this actually down to his mother driving this? It's a bit strange that he has doubled back on his self and wants to be over invested where as before he didn't give a toss.

Why do you think he will back off when the babies here? He knows your not well and could effect the baby but he is still aggressively making demands on you. Also the more he has the child the less he has to pay CS and could lower the amount you actually recieve. My friends ex twat of a DH has the kids 50% of the week but worked it in such a way they are hardly there apart from just to sleep, he lives with his mother and also works nights so isn't even there any way. My friend has to still buy all the clothes, food ect..

I would stop seeing this bloke as the man you used to know and get on with because when children and finacial responsibilities become involved people can get nasty - like he is already doing.

Don't give the baby his second name and block all of them. Do this at your pace.

But it doesn't matter if the solicitor's letter is "real" or not! It has no legal standing either way. Solicitors can write whatever they or their client want, it's what a court says that matters.

I'd call the bloody solicitors and tell them that unless they get a court order that backs those requests up I suggest they back off otherwise they will be aiding him and his family in harassing you and it's not going to look good for their reputation.

Don't let these people scare you op, you can't post whatever pictures you like. Block the lot of them

I just wanted to say that the fact that he wanted to discriminate against the child he already knows in a way that would be hurtful to that child shows that he is not going to be a good father. A good father has empathy with children for a start.

The letter is horseshit. I know pregnant women are always being told about everyone's 'rights' to be present at the labour, indeed everyone's rights but their own, so I can see why people might think he's got a right to demand it, but it is horseshit. Patient confidentiality, pure and simple. You do not have to inform him when you go into labour, what crap. You could ring the solicitor to check if it's genuine. If it is, all it proves is he's prepared to pay £200 for a horseshit letter to scare you. It is horseshit. Horseshit. Horseshit. I can't state enough what a steaming pile of manure that letter is, and anyone would do that to a woman in a high risk pregnancy is a worthless, low down, snivelling, green discharge of a THING.

And that is why you should not let him near you during your labour, nor give the child his name, nor allow him to choose the name, or indeed anything that will enable him to assert possession and control, which is all this abusive bell end cares about. Abuse of the mother is not an acceptable price for a relationship with the child.

Any man who decided to put pressure on me to abort would be the man who would be having absolutely no contact with me or my children, ever.

The shit he said about how he would treat your first-born after pretending he loved him as his own is beyond the fucking Pale!

Don't put him on the birth cert and never have any contact with him again. He's a male but he is not a man. This one is not worthy of the description.

He might think he has rights. but he's wrong, he doesn't have any. To be carrying on like this even before the baby is born is beyond belief. If you decide to have contact afterwards, this is just a mere foretaste of what is to come. You have been warned.

Fuck him and fuck the horse he rode in on! And his Mum can get fucked, too.

Fathers are present at births to support their partner through labour. The end result of which is seeing their child born: it's not a spectator event or a right. Your medical team very likely would not allow him and mum to stand and watch or even be on the unit even if you wanted them to. It sounds like his mum is largely driving this, understandably since this is her grandchild, but it says a lot that they are using these bully tactics instead of engaging with you like rational people capable of co parenting, with the child's best interests in mind. That means you need to protect yourself.

Get advice, thorough advice, before considering putting his name on the birth certificate. Particularly as they are showing themselves as bullying and self interested. If his name is on the birth certificate as a pp said, he can simply take the baby and drive away and you would have to go to court to get it back, he will have to give permission for any medical treatment the baby needs, he will have a lot of control before you have become established as the baby's prime carer. Let him go to court and have his name put on the certificate that way. For a start that proves his commitment to the baby as that takes time and effort, secondly that gives you time to become established as prime carer, so that while he will (rightly) have planned contact, demands for 50/50 are unlikely to go far. Of course you are probably intending to bf for as long as you can if all goes well; many women do, and if you feel that is best for your child then of course contact will need take account of that.

Get proper advice, but from what I can see it looks like whoever registers the birth decides the name and surname. You do not have to let the father know the date/time of registering or take him with you, and even if you put his name on the birth certificate it looks like he has no legal right that the child has his surname. So he is requesting this of you while adding pressure and trying to scare you that this is a legal compulsion and you'll be in trouble if you don't do as he says. He's sadly not looking much like great dad material so far, and his lack of care, respect or even basic consideration for the woman carrying his child is revolting.

My last child was born in a Canadian hospital and the birth registry and naming was done in the hospital. Does this happen in UK? Is it possible that he and his mother could turn up at the hospital op is in for the birth and insert themselves into the process one way or the other? Better if op gives no info to anyone re date or place of birth. He may try to get info from op's friends and family . S/he could call hospitals and under 1 pretense or another get info. Some people are very convincing at this kind of confidence game.

The only thing the guy has done wrong is try to arrange access.
He certainly doesn't come off as controlling or abusive or any of the horrible things people are saying.
He hasn't done anything to make the reactions of "fuck him don't let him see the baby don't put him on the birth certificate so he doesn't have any rights" acceptable.
You are getting some extremely bad advice on this thread.

Take a step back and look at it objectively. Look at it like an adult.

Reverse it - if he was the one carrying the baby would you be scared of not getting to see it if you were told "I won't discuss anything relating to access with you now, I won't tell you when I'm in labour. But you can trust me, I will let you see the baby. I'll contact you somewhen after it is born and talk about it then" because I would. I wouldn't be putting my trust in someone who refused to have an adult conversation. I'd be going down the legal route as well

whattodo I think you must be reading a different thread.

He has tried to get her to have an abortion. He has ended the relationship because of the pregnancy and blocked her out of his life. Now he's had a change of heart, he's dealt with it by demanding to be at scans, telling her to take down a photo of her scan from FB "because it upset his sister", demanded to be at the birth, sent a threatening letter by solicitors, demanded the baby have his surname and demanded to have a say in the baby's first name and wants to have the baby overnight at his mother's straight away. What out of any of that is reasonable behaviour towards the woman carrying your child?

does your former partner know your mn name , op? I would also be careful what you put on here. Maybe get this thread deleted.