left at 4 months pregnant on facebook and now he won't leave me alone

[soph222]

Long story but here goes....

I'd known my bf 5 years 2 of which we were together for, he was my best friend. I have a son from a previous partner which my bf said he loved as his own, he loved me and he's a part of me. 8 months ago I found out I was pregnant ( it wasn't planned) I'm 26 he's a couple of years younger. He initially wanted an abortion, we spent the first 3 months him telling me that's what he wanted and that's what'd be best for us both and he'd be there for me through it every step of the way. I however do not believe in abortions and spent 3months explaining I didn't want to go through that, I'd decided I was keeping the baby and told him it's fine if he doesn't want to be involved.

He said no he'd be there he didn't want to look like one of those guys who ran off and left a girl pregnant.....I spent the following month trying the communicate about the baby with him but just got ignored and the subject changed to something he was interested in, I could understand he was scared and didn't want to push things.

He then informed me a while layer his mother was buying colts for her holiday home and her house and he'd decided they'd have the baby a few days and I'd have the baby the rest (after talking about moving his stuff in mine and telling me to make room for me making me believe he planned on staying there) my reaction was my baby isn't spending half the week away from me. If he wanted to spend every night with the baby he could move in and take responsibility and pay his way. If he didn't feel ready for this then he could stay at his mums as many days as he wanted but if he chose that them nights the baby would be staying at my house.

He then informed me that my son is not his and he won't be making him or me a priority. If both the children were being cared for whilst we were at work, he'd only be collecting his child and taking it to his home whilst leaving my other child in childcare. My reaction was he came into my son's life he new I had him when we got together and the children were to be treated the same end of. He wasn't happy with these 2 reactions from me and went on to dump me over Facebook.

He said he wasn't ready for commitment or responsibility and didn't want his money going on me or my child that he was going to live his life how he wants and be there for the child. He didn't ever want to come to my previous scan but since his mum now new wanted to come to the 20 week one so he could no the sex. I said I wanted someone with me at the scan that was going to support ME throughout my pregnancy and be there for ME when I'm at my most vulnerable, he'd.chose to go live his life and just turn up for a scan which honestly would have been stressful and difficult for me to cope with as I still loved him and didn't really get why he'd be happy to run off and leave me when I needed him most.

He went on to live his life going out etc whilst I was preparing for baby I put a pic of my scan on fb and he kicked of saying I was playing games and it was stressing his sister out, so I deleted them. Which was better for my own sanity too as I didn't have to see him adding aload of girls he'd met on dating sites.

I've had extra scans for growth as I was considered as high risk and wanted a 3d one too which I paid for. My mind set was leave him to wjat he wants to do and I'll enjoy my pregnancy buying outfits and preparing for baba.

I then received many texts from him and his mother (I was angry at the time) and I didn't want to meet up to discuss the arrangements of them seeing the baby it was vital my blood pressure remained low for the health of me and.baby and I didn't want to risk it meeting up with them and getting upset and stressed out more than I already was.

I later received a letter saying he felt he should be at future scans the birth he wanted it to have his last name and to decide the first name, after 3 months he wanted the baby at his half the week and if I didn't reply legal action would be taken. My reply was regarding the circumstances I didn't see it appropriate that he attended scans and the birth I stand by his rights as a father and would be in touch after the birth for when he could come and bond with baby.

I then received another letter from a solicitor saying that I urgently need to contact him regarding him seeing the baby which is still not born I need to phone him when I go into labour I need to take scan pictures of my Facebook (I'm not even friends with him on there anymore) but it's distressing for him they no I've been away as they saw on fb but they need me to get in contact ASAP so he knows when he can see the baby they recommend a minimum of an hour a day and he wants paternity leave.....

I just feel.like I can't be left alone all I want is to enjoy my pregnancy but all I'm getting is letters demanding what he wants I can understand he feels left out and uneasy not knowing what's going on but I've always said I want him to be in the baby's life and that whilst baby isn't here I want to be left alone and not be stressed out for the health of our baby. Which might be hard for him to understand but he made the choice to leave and live his life how he wanted whilst I carried on with the reality of pregnancy. Am I wrong to want to have this time to myself stress free with people who are supporting me without him ruining any bit of happiness I get?

ive said all along i want him to be apart of the childs life and im not stopping that. i want everyone involved but i want to be left alone whilst pregnant and he didnt want the child he has said recently its not what he wants but he doesnt want to look bad so he will do his bit. I again am not stopping this and i believe he should be on the birth certificate, but he is making me feel like i cant trust him to keep the baby in our area and not to take it down south. Mybe i am bitter about how hes gone about things but thats between me and him and i have the right to be, thats nothing to do with the baby and again i will not stop him being in the babys life i dont want that for my child. But i feel i do have the right to be left alone in my pregnancy when the baby is not here and to remain as stress free as possible. Maybe i am wrong.

Fuck off Quitelikely

Soph, you are not wrong.

Thankyou, i dont feel as if i have ever been unreasonable.

No way did a solicitor send that letter. Ring them up ask if they sent it, look them up on the Internet.

Block the lot of them, you are giving them far too much control. It all sounds a fucking mess and you need to start separating your self from these dick heads. Every one needs to grow up.

yer i am trying to leave them to it its just difficult not to get all worried when they send out the letters.

QuiteLikely, wtf? This man is trying to scare OP by sending her shonky solicitors' letters and you think she's being unreasonable?!

I might ring said solicitor and confirm contents of letter.
Block them all and ignore. All you have to do is look after yourself, your unborn baby and your DS.

You shouldn't be using your baby as a weapon.
Surely it would not be difficult to just have a conversation and get an agreement in place for access. That is all he is trying to do. And since you have ignored all attempts to do so and said no to his suggestions, what else is he meant to do other than get a solicitor involved?
I have never understood parents who stand in the way of dads seeing their children. This is his baby too.

It is wrong to harass you.
But I've read your OP 3x now and I can very easily imagine another side, where he (probably pushed by his mother, tbh, is worried about contact.

He did want the baby. He wanted an abortion. That doesn't make him a bad person. Now the baby is a reality.

You complained he didn't want to talk about the baby before you split up. Tbh, go to any baby board on the internet and you'll find women saying this - that when you're not evening showing yet, it's not unheard of for the woman to be excitedly preparing and the man to just not get it. And that's when it planned and wanted!

I'm sure a lot of angry words have been thrown about. He could be a total arsehole. But also, re your older child - he's right, he's not his responsibility. Why he take both? It's all very well you saying you both come as a package, but come on - when you were both all loved up and saying that, who was thinking about the what if of splitting up with an accidental pregnancy in the middle of it? It's mean of him to throw it at you, but tempers are high.

That said, he shouldn't bully you.

Firstly, get proper legal advice.

Then write a legal letter of your own that you've checked with a solicitor is reasonable.

Tell him to:

• back the fuck off with any more texts or letters or it will be considered harrassment
• agree to infirm him (via third party?) after baby is born
• confirm that name will be chosen by you, and your surname
• agree to naming him on birth Certificate (after checking legal implications!)
• confirm the contact that you propose for the baby's best interests (e.g. X hours X times a week in first year, no overnights, rising to EOW at age X - whatever is reasonable
• state that you expect X maintenance and ask him to confirm to your solicitor if he prefers to pay by private arrangement or should you go to CSA?
• say that you're prepared to go to mediation on any of this, but not until the baby is X weeks old

Oh and though you were absolutely write to refuse him to come to 20w scan, you were totally out of order posting it on Facebook without emailing him a copy.
Come on, you're not 13.

I essentially agree with quitelikely
He is a parent, he had equal pare rental responsibility so both adults here need to come up with an agreement.

If he wants 50:50 there is no reason a court wouldn't grant that unless he was an unfit parent. However during BF they would suggest alternative arrangements. If he has equal contact then no csa is paid, and I believe the tax credits etc are split. Or one parent receives all the tax credits/ child benefit and then has sole responsibility for certain expenses.

Yes he's been a cock, yes he's decided he can't do family life but you can bet your bottom dollar if the thread said "my BF has decided he wants nothing to do with baby" the replies would be anti him as well.

It's far from ideal but he's the babies father, not your other child's father, and he is wanting to take responsibility - albeit not in the way or manner you choose. But you don't get to dictate how he behaves, you do have to facilitate contact though.

Solicitors letter sounds dodgy - they can't dictate how you use social media.
Keep all contact factual, unemotional and concise.

As far as you buying all that equipment what I'd say is he has to buy his own for when baby is at his - or the equipment that will be used by both (pram/car seat) is split financially between the 2 of you.

how am i stopping him? i want him to be involved. Baby isnt here yet and ive told him im not stopping him from being in its life and i fully stand by his rights, i dont believe i am using the baby as a weapon. i have said when baby is born i will be in touch and he will see the baby to bond and arrange times etc. i want him in its life as i keep saying i wouldnt ever stand in the way of that. its whats best for the child. But right now whats best for the unborn baby is for me to not be in a situation of upset and stress as it is of high concern for both of our health and has been the advice of my midwife and doctor to not see him until after the birth which he knows. I want my baby to be well, my first wasnt due to stress and high blood pressure. As i said my sons dad didnt want anything to do with him and its heartbreaking for him and i wouldnt want that for my second at all. The same as i wouldnt want to be resented by a child for the dad not being involved. I will make sure hes a part of this babys life but thats not what this is about its about being left alone whilst pregnant for the wellbeing of me and my baby.

no i completely understand that he feels out of control and scared etc etc and he probably is worried about contact but i have given him no reason to be. all i have said all along is i want him to be a part of babys life. With my other son it doesnt matter now as we are not together again i can understand when we were together him not feeling ready for two kids at once but ive never expected anything from him with my other child. My point was i didnt want my other child to feel any less than the baby when we were still together as it was a big worry for me as he is very sensitive and it will be hard on him. I have 2 children and i understand only one is biologically his but i didnt want my other child to feel any less again that was when we were together, which when we were in a relationship i didnt see as such a major expectation considering we were having a baby together. Obviously i dont expect that now. i just think if hed gone about it in the right way, he said some really visious things about my son in text which i obviously didnt take well, but if hed sat down with me to talk (he will only talk via facebook/text/letter) then it just would have made situations much easier. He said he was stepping away and not being there for the remainder of the pregnancy but he would be there when its born and i accepted that and left him to it, its not what i wanted but thats not up to me. ive then had letters and texts demanding what he wants which i dont need right now. when baby is born, again im not standing in the way of him being in the babys life i want him to be. I do still care about him for some reason and i dont want situations to be nasty or anyone to lose out. But i respected his wishes and i want him to do the same until the baby is here and i no babys and my health is well. I dont feel i can do right for wrong though. When baby is here i have no bad intentions, maybe in my pregnancy im selfish for wanting to be left alone for the sake of mine and babys health but when baby is born i will do everything i can to make sure he is involved with his baby.

(the scan picture before putting it on facebook i bought one for him but he refused to come and pick it up)

If he's faked that solicitor letter goto the police as that's intimidation.

Don't put him on the birth certificate. I made that mistake and it's horrendous.

He's trying to bully and control you and it sounds like his mother is pushing this too. Give him chance to step up but keep control by giving him zero legal rights till he proves himself

I put my ex on the birth certificate and wish I hadn't. Although you should, as you are certain he is the father, once you do he has the same parental responsibility as you do towards the child and it sounds like he enjoys using that against you.

I'd reply saying you've sought legal advice and you are prepared to allow contact that is reasonable and in the child's best interests, you are the resident parent and you welcome him and his family to contribute to the baby's life, expenses, etc. You can offer to see him soon after the baby is born IF you feel comfortable doing so. You will not be railroaded into a situation you don't want and there's no judge who would deem it appropriate to let baby stay with him when he's not resident, never was, seems very immature, and can't feed the baby. At least for the first year. Thereafter you'd have a strong argument it's still not in the best interests of the child. As long as you do not obstruct a reasonable amount of access, set up an agreement with him, he would be laughed out of court so don't worry too much. Do also keep a log of anything that is harassing or intimidating about his conduct. I do think you should allow access and try to come up with a suitable arrangement. But do not be bullied into anything damaging for you or the child. Sounds like stress you really don't need.

There was a case recently where the mother was slammed by the judge for using breast feeding as an excuse why baby couldn't see its father, setting a national precedent

I'm going from memory here

Was that the 'baby' who was something like 18+ months old and the mother was claiming she couldn't be parted for something like a few hours and was not even prepared to offer any other form of contact?

If so it was a fair judgement reading through the judgement when it first got published anybody with the ability to breathe would have seem that case for what it was. But it's incredibly strange to consider it as setting a precedent given that it has never been acceptable to use the BF an over 14 month old child to contact block.

Implying that a new born should not be Breast fed due to the fathers 'equal rights' or that Breast feeding should not hinder equal contact because the courts have set a precedence is wrong.

I would imagine the solicitor's letter could be real but there are many rubbish solicitors out there who do drudgey work and bill for it. You can find out by checking the roll to see if they exist. If he persists in using his solicitor, I'd suggest only respond to the solicitor and offer some terms of an agreement (nothing like what he is asking) and then each time the solicitor deals with it your ex shall be landed with a bill and perhaps will think twice about using solicitors to scare you rather than speaking with and treating you with some common decency in the first place..

there would be no precedent at all for a child to be separated from its mother while the mother is BFing and especially not for overnight stays - the child's best interests are the concern of the court, not the father having a 50% stake. That only comes into it if it's in the best interests of the child, which demonstrably it won't be for a small baby who is being breastfed, but would be perhaps if the mother refused all access and used spurious reasons to block contact.

I agree with Moopy. He and his family are trying to intimidate you.
Picking the baby's name and insisting on his surname? (Have you considered Leon?)
Telling you to take down a scan photo off Face ache because it upset his sister!
Are these people aware that you need support and understanding throughout your pregnancy? Clearly not, the way they are behaving is appalling.
You do what is best for you and your family. Feck them.

there would be no precedent at all for a child to be separated from its mother while the mother is BFing and especially not for overnight stays - the child's best interests are the concern of the court, not the father having a 50% stake. That only comes into it if it's in the best interests of the child, which demonstrably it won't be for a small baby who is being breastfed, but would be perhaps if the mother refused all access and used spurious reasons to block contact

This^^^

So the solicitors letter urged you to make contact with him as soon as possible, but did they state what the consequences would be if you don't, or tell you what laws you are contravening? I doubt it, because there is no consequence. The baby is part of you until it is born and so he has no rights regarding that baby until it is born.

He has no right to be at scans or be updated on how things are. He has no right over the name you give your baby (first name or surname) as you are not married. He has no right to be at the birth if YOU don't want him there and I would strongly urge you to tell nobody when you go into labour, other than your birth partner. Would you be forced to allow him to attend a smear test? Of course not, maternity appointments are the same, they are YOUR appointments not the baby's.

All these things women should reasonably be expected to accommodate for the fathers of their babies, but it sounds like this man child deserves no such accommodation. He's a bullying twat. Do not give the child his name, you and he will never be married, so why is his surname more important than yours?

Breastfeeding or not, he's unlikely to get overnight access while the baby is an infant, but definitely breastfeed for as long as you can.

Sorry that you're experiencing this.

They want to decide it'. Religion too, I dont no maybe when baby's born he'l. Stop seeing me as the enemy and rather than keep making demands about what him and his family want, he'll start working with me for the sake of the baby and make the right choices. It's just a huge mess right now, I can't really cope with anymore of the drama it's good to offload it all tbh as it's been rather lonely all I Carr about is my baby being ok and well at the minute and my son not feeling threatened or.pushed out by a new baby. Also try and not let any more letters or texts get to me, I don't know what he'll do next but guess I'll have to prepare myself for it to get worse whilst hoping it won't.

i cant trust him to keep the baby in our area and not to take it down south

This is why i wouldn't name him on the birth certificate giving him automatic PR. Judging by the behavior from him and his mum they will not hesitate to use the law in any way possible to control you - and thereby your baby.

Giving him automatic PR enables him to:
~ take the baby down south for a 'visit' and refuse to return the baby to you - and you would have a massive legal fight on your hands just to get your baby back. He's already shown he can't be trusted and will play dirty to exert control over you.
~ choose whether to give consent to medical treatment - if he chooses not to then again you will have to fight him via the legal route
~ choose which school he goes to - you don't get the 'final say' and would again end up having to go down the legal route
~ apply for a passport for him - and you would have to report it lost/stolen to then buy a new one
~ choose his religious upbringing - again more legal stress and hassle if you can't agree
~ decide where he will live
~ consent to dc's marriage if s/he wants to marry before the age of 18
~ look after a property on his behalf

i would let him apply to the courts for PR and for regular contact (he could still see dc whilst sorting this out). That way he can't pull a fast one on you by wearing you down with constant stress and hassle. Court approved contact time would be much better than him/his mother deciding as and when they want contact and hassling you non stop until you give in.

Of course, once he has PR then the above still applies but you would be in a much stronger position if you had to fight him.

Do NOT put him on birth certificate as father, that automatically gives him parental responsability, which he can try and enforce through courts.

Ignore all his demands, he has absolutely no rights, unless you name on the birth certificate.