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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think this is the end of us :-(

57 replies

Memom · 27/08/2015 10:06

Yesterday I discovered lots of messages between my husband and one of my friends about me. Over many months they have discussed my health and more importantly my mental health.

They have between them diagnosed me as bi polar amongst many other things. Where in fact I have suffered PND and am also dealing with the very difficult long term health condition of our baby.

I feel betrayed, he has told her things that were private between just us. He has discussed things at length and basically made me sound a complete nutter - me saying I need a bit of help around the house etc has been relayed as me needing urgent doctors appointments and the need to be in a mental unit!

The trust I had in him is gone, I can't live with someone I don't trust but do I throw away a marriage? Do I break up our family? Can I just live with the fact he thinks I'm a nutter and I can't trust him?

It sounds dramatic but I'm broken. I trusted him with everything and he's gone behind my back.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 27/08/2015 10:12

You're hardly being dramatic, that is a massive betrayal.
I have no idea what I would do.
I would hope I would kick him out but reality is very different.
Can you have a talk with him and find out why he is making these elaborate claims.
I can only imagine he's 'trying it on' with her. Or there may already be something going on?
Either way, you need some space to digest all of this and then you may need to attend counselling together.
If though, your trust is totally gone then I have no idea how he can rebuild it or even if he would want to.
Can you go to family or a friend for some support right now?

Shockers · 27/08/2015 10:13

Has he, or your friend attempted to help at all since this has been going on, or were they just gossiping?

I would feel betrayed, and be furious, but I think it would be wise to try to work out what was going on in his head... is it genuine (albeit misplaced) concern?

Would Relate help?

pocketsaviour · 27/08/2015 10:16

Jesus, what an utter cunt.

Do you get the impression he's been trying to get his leg over her?

I wouldn't forgive this.

Original poster

Memom · 27/08/2015 10:23

I'm 100% sure he isn't trying it on with her, I've read all messages and there is nothing like that.

No messages offer suggestions or solutions. I feel like they have been creating some sort of sick soap opera about me. It's the trust issue. I went to him for help when I realised something wasn't right (PND) and he wasn't interested, fobbed me off. All the feelings I've discussed with him about our babies condition have been twisted.

He says the conversations were to reassure her that I was fine. They don't read that way "The sooner she is in a unit the better" that to me doesn't reassure things are fine.

I now know other people are aware of my 'issues'

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 27/08/2015 10:27

Oh god that would be the end for me. "The sooner she is in a unit the better"?? What the fuck is he doing?

The marriage has ended, OP. He has ended it and that so called friend of yours is a snake in the grass.

If my friend's husband told me by text that she was mentally ill I would be in the car and driving to see her immediately. I know you don't think he was trying it on, but they are forming a unit of two against you, aren't they? That's just the same as an affair.

What's your home situation like? Do you rent? Do you work? Please let us help you if you decide to chuck him out.

Whatifitoldyou · 27/08/2015 10:30

How utterly awful , of both of them.

Unless he has made any suggestion to you , or your gp, that you are very unwell he doesn't really think these things and is monstrifying you, probably in an attempt to have an affair with her. I'd tell him to leave and I'd tell friend exactly what I thought of her.

Twinklestein · 27/08/2015 10:33

You're not broken - you're stronger that you realise - but it's a terrible betrayal, and not one I could get past personally.

From what he says it's clear he has no respect for you, it sounds like he doesn't even love you. What is also clear is that he is very, very selfish - a request for help around the house is twisted by him to imply you need to be in a clinic. He sounds the most awful person, and I think it's that revelation as much as the horrific betrayal that means this relationship is essentially over.

I can't imagine why they would be having these conversations and egging each other on in betrayal and untruths about you if one of them at least isn't hoping for a particular outcome...

Just because they haven't got that far yet doesn't mean they won't go there. He might be trying to convince her that you're nutjob so she feels sorry for him, he gets to talk to her, and he doesn't look so bad if he moves on to her. And surely she must have some interest in him for her to take his side rather than supporting you.

Twinklestein · 27/08/2015 10:35

Unless he has made any suggestion to you , or your gp, that you are very unwell he doesn't really think these things and is monstrifying you, probably in an attempt to have an affair with her

Yep.

ravenmum · 27/08/2015 10:35

I'd suspect at least one of them might be interested in the other. This would be stage 1: showing why you feel so lonely/unloved/misunderstood, and talking about private stuff with the other person, developing an atmosphere of trust.

ravenmum · 27/08/2015 10:43

Oh, or maybe he's having an affair with someone else ... when my husband's affair came out, I found out that he'd been talking to my "best friend" and her husband about me, saying what a cow I was. That's to prove to themselves and everyone else that they are a good guy really as it's not their fault, it's yours.

Myturnnow4 · 27/08/2015 10:51

Perhaps there's something going on there, perhaps there isn't. To be honest I'd take it at face value that there's nothing romantic or sexual going on and take it from there because there's enough betrayal and dismissing of you anyway.

You're not broken, you're just a bit bashed up, but you'll survive this.

ravenmum · 27/08/2015 11:04

True, what you know is bad enough.

Whatifitoldyou · 27/08/2015 11:05

I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg. Whether he is , or is intending to see her , he is laying the groundwork for something very unpleasant. He wants people to see you in a bad light. He has successfully isolated you from your friend and ensured you won't have her support.

He is obviously extremely manipulative and an excellent liar. The aim is to discredit you so that when you complain of mistreatment or an affair you won't be believed.

Don't be too assured no affair is taking place , it may not be with this particular women. A cheater or abuser generally gathers support with this method and ensures the spouse has no support. Some are so convincing they manage to get your own parents on side.

There is only one way to deal with vandalizing and that is to speak up. Inform other friends and your family about it. Ask for their support. Take this extremely seriously and protect yourself. You don't know who else he has been saying these things to. Inform your gp and health visitor , show them the messages. Do you have them ? You cannot afford for him to make these allegations to your gp. He wouldn't be the first man to do this.

Original poster

Memom · 27/08/2015 11:14

My GP knows about the PND and also how I have struggled to accept my babies condition and the fight to get help. She doesn't know about him, I'm sure she thinks he is amazing, wonderful husband, the model everyone wants. Health visitor was useless and said I had a lovely family so enjoy it!

He is very good at putting me down, he can make me feel I've done wrong when I know really I haven't. When I asked him about the messages he made it sound so genuine and caring. All for me.

I own the house (mortgage), recently gave up work to care for the little one, he was very determined I should do that, I have two other teenage children. Friends have all dwindled away and family would say pull yourself together. Support is lacking but I know I can cope.

I don't think there is any risk he is having an affair or planning to but I guess everyone thinks that!

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 27/08/2015 11:22

I wonder why your friends have 'dwindled away'...

Perhaps he intentionally tried to isolate you, perhaps he's lied to them as he's lying to this friend, perhaps they can see through him and don't like him...

Original poster

Memom · 27/08/2015 11:26

In fairness to him I think friends have dwindled away due to us being 'loved up' and the little one being hard work together with me giving up work.

OP posts:

PlaysWellWithOthers · 27/08/2015 11:27

You may well find that these friends who have dwindled away will bounce right back when you get shot of your hideously betraying H. Happens to lots of us who are in abusive relationships, people who love us wait on the edges for us to break away and then rush back in to help us heal.

TheLightsWinning · 27/08/2015 11:36

Sorry this has happened to you OP, a massive betrayal by both you husband and your friend. Husband should have been supporting you through what sounds like a terrible time, rather than making you out to be beyond help to one of your last supports.

You are NOT beyond help by the way, and clearly nowhere near as unwell as he is trying to make you out to be - You say your GP knows about the PND etc. If GP had any concerns then you would have been made aware and they would have acted appropriately.

Whether your husband is struggling to cope or attempting to have an affair, the point is he is demonising you and making you feel utterly crap about yourself. Its a shame your family are not more supportive. Can you go to any other local support groups? Maybe there is one for parents with your little ones health condition? It may be worth trying to get back into contact with a couple of friends to see why they stopped being there? Perhaps as a PP has mentioned they were seeing through your husbands treatment but felt they were in a difficult position trying to make you aware of his nonsense?

The fact that He is very good at putting me down, he can make me feel I've done wrong when I know really I haven't. When I asked him about the messages he made it sound so genuine and caring. All for me. is actually very worrying and shows how manipulative he is. This to me is a big red light, and together with the fact that you seem to be becoming increasingly isolated socially is not good. Trust is basically the most important thing in a marriage - easily lost but impossible to get back once abused.

You will survise it though - the fact that you recognise all the things he is doing is proof positive that you are certainly not the fool he is trying to take you to be.

Drew64 · 27/08/2015 11:38

Firstly, I've read your OP completely differently to everyone else. It looks to me as if he does not know how to deal with your PND and has turned to your friend for support. Granted, some of the language used is not helpful to you now that you have discovered it but I would not see it as betrayal.
It sounds to me as if you both need to make more of an effort to understand what you are going through and what he can do to help you through this. FWIW I have seen close friends of mine go through post natal psychosis. Very very tough times indeed, and yes, he turned to my DW and I for support among others. That's what friends and family are for.

Secondly, where the fuck do hellsbellsmellons pocketsaviour whatifitoldyou twinklestein ravenmum get the idea that this is or is going to end up in an affair! Saying this sort of thing, turning a DW with PND against her DH in her time of need and support is irresponsible and you should probably think again about the advice you have given in this thread.
The OP is sure that nothing is going, she does not need to hear this evil accusations from you at this time. Heartless!

Whatifitoldyou · 27/08/2015 11:46

Turning a dw against her Dh in her time of need ? Fuck off.

wickedlazy · 27/08/2015 11:50

What they did is so disrespectful, bitching about you behind your back. Why didn't your friend tell you? Why do her loyalties seem to lie with your dh and not you? I would be really pissed at this. Agree with poster about this is how affairs start.

Have you confronted friend yet?

ravenmum · 27/08/2015 11:50

Drew dear, we've been there... we're saying what might be happening because it took us such a long time to work it out, and we don't want the OP to have that same feeling.
OP, trust your feelings, and do lots of reading.

TheLightsWinning · 27/08/2015 11:53

Drew, I think the DH has done the turning against all on his own with no help required from MNers...
But anyway, that is beside the point, surely we should be thinking of ways to support the OP rather than rowing?

Gymbunny1204 · 27/08/2015 11:54

I'm so sorry, M. Your husband has betrayed you in such a cruel way I'm not even sure it matters that he hasn't slept with her. I'd put money on them being at it within a very short space of time of you kicking him out, should you take charge and do so.

I have had PND three times and my husband, while sometimes getting frustrated, has supported me all the way, has told no one other than his parents and stuck up for me when his father was a twat, and did everything he could to understand and help me. THAT is what a decent husband does.

Sadly your husband is no longer decent.

Twinklestein · 27/08/2015 11:56

I've never stopped being friends with someone because they were 'loved up' or because they had a baby with complex needs - friends are needed for support more than ever in that case. I suspect that's a rationalisation on your part.

I agree with the pp who said that your friends may well return once you're rid of him.

It's very difficult to stand by and watch a friend in a relationship with someone who is manipulative and undermining.

Your husband has shown his true colours by turning against you in your greatest hour of need, and slating you to one of your friends.

Who's to say he hasn't tried to do this with other friends of yours, or spoken about you in a way they found unacceptable. You didn't know he was up to this until yesterday.

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