I think this is the end of us :-(

[Memom]

Yesterday I discovered lots of messages between my husband and one of my friends about me. Over many months they have discussed my health and more importantly my mental health.

They have between them diagnosed me as bi polar amongst many other things. Where in fact I have suffered PND and am also dealing with the very difficult long term health condition of our baby.

I feel betrayed, he has told her things that were private between just us. He has discussed things at length and basically made me sound a complete nutter - me saying I need a bit of help around the house etc has been relayed as me needing urgent doctors appointments and the need to be in a mental unit!

The trust I had in him is gone, I can't live with someone I don't trust but do I throw away a marriage? Do I break up our family? Can I just live with the fact he thinks I'm a nutter and I can't trust him?

It sounds dramatic but I'm broken. I trusted him with everything and he's gone behind my back.

Would I be right in guessing this may be a second marriage? Teenagers from previous relationship, first baby with his man?

this not his ^^

I've had a few men in relationships (where I didn't know the partner well enough to tell her) try to hit on me.

Trying to text me regularly, bitching about partners, and how awful they are to live with, how unhappy they are, then going in for a hug and kiss in person. There is a pattern. That the dh has been following with this woman. Difference is i've always tried to nip it in the bud/told them i'm not interested and cut contact in the end. Even one of dp's mates! Who dp still see's .

If they were both really worried, they would be helping you, not running you down in secret, confiding in each other. Or in her case, believing a load of lies.

Well Drew she didn't mention that in the OP.
That's mentioned later on and who says it's correct anyway?
It's not a evil accusation either. It's something to consider.
OP is thinking this is over, she needs all the information she can get to make an informed decision.
He's managed to turn himself against her all on his own.
Because he's a big cock of the highest order with no respect for his DW.

Does friend ever offer to help with the baby btw?

I totally agree with DRew64. Lovely to read a balanced, reasonable response.

Drew seems to be comparing the situation to his friends , despite the details the Op has given. It's not supportive to tell lies about your spouse and I'm surprised anyone thinks it's ok.

Can you take copies of the conversations and show your GP? He/she knows you and your problems and might be able to give you a more accurate perspective than a bunch of strangers on the internet.

I am very uncomfortable with some of the comments on this thread.

I don't wish to generalise but I think I am safe to say that some people are very scared by mental health issues and struggle to understand them. The "bi polar" conversations may just be an attempt to understand why (for instance, perhaps) you seem up one minute and down the next. People without much knowledge of MH conditions and who have seen something in the media about bi polar might wonder if it is an issue in play in your case.

The "she should be in a unit" comments sound at face value awful, but maybe he is scared. Scared that you need more help than he can offer. Thinking "I can't fix this - therefore someone else needs to."

Also, in my experience some people with mental health issues do not realise how their illness is affecting others, or how ill they are or have been. I am not saying that this is the case with you of course, but it certainly seems that your DH's perspective is that you are more unwell than you think you are. In my view this could be because:

a) you are more unwell than you think you are
b) you are not more unwell than you think you are but he has no experience with mental health issues and is panicking because he sees everything as being worse than it is
c) you are not more unwell than you think you are and he is trying to demonise you to get off with your mate and alienate your friends.

I think b) is the most likely, and c) the most unlikely. c) is quite paranoid actually, and I think it is worrying that althought this is not what you believe, it is what has been suggested by many people on this thread.

for you

Drew, I've had a friend go through postpartum psychosis and it was very tough for her and her husband. He didn't start emailing me misdiagnosing and bitching about her though. If he did I would not have replied and been extremely concerned for my friend. Did your friend email your wife bitching about his?

Nearly all of you are missing the real issue here!

Memom You have been diagnosed with PND right? Your baby has a long term health condition right?
Your husband is a cock for sharing private issues with one of your friends, right?
These are really difficult times for you and I suspect neither of you really know how to deal with this and being a man (I know, I am one) your DH probably does not have a clue as to how to help you and that's why he has turned to your friend rather than you.
You should both be seeking help together. Please, go back to your Dr, tell him you are both struggling to deal with this and get the appropriate help.
He has been misguided in seeking support from your friend at best and the last thing you need right now is an issue with your relationship, you need a strong relationship so the both of you can pull your family through this TOGETHER!

PS; thank you lookingforsunshine

Twinklestein

Did your friend email your wife bitching about his?

No! We had a key to their house and would go and pick up his and their baby's laundry and do it for them. We would go and visit a couple of times a week. He would come round to us and we would feed him at least once a week. He would open up to us and we encouraged him to talk to us in person.
But that was not my criticism of you, this is what I was criticising, you suggesting that either her husband or her friend are planning something!
Poorly thought out post at best!

I can't imagine why they would be having these conversations and egging each other on in betrayal and untruths about you if one of them at least isn't hoping for a particular outcome...

Just because they haven't got that far yet doesn't mean they won't go there. He might be trying to convince her that you're nutjob so she feels sorry for him, he gets to talk to her, and he doesn't look so bad if he moves on to her. And surely she must have some interest in him for her to take his side rather than supporting you.

DH probably does not have a clue as to how to help you and that's why he has turned to your friend rather than you

In way way does the dh telling lies to her
friend, while still not offering real support, help? Suggesting to friend she should be in a unit? What, because she had the audacity to ask him to clean?

Also to paraphrase a bit more that's why he has turned to your friend rather than you sums it all up

I think your first port of call should be your GP and you should tell him/her what you have discovered. Your GP will know more about your mental health and circumstances than strangers on the internet.
While I think it is rather more likely that your H is a manipulative shit who wants to isolate you, it is possible that your mental health issues are making you see things in the worst possible light. I have a friend with severe mental health problems who is often convinced that people are conspiring against her. Her friends do talk to one another about her but this is out of concern, not malice - when she behaves strangely or takes violently against one friend, that person may reach out to others for advice.
Your H might have been talking to your friend because he is worried and doesn't know what to do. What you need is independent advice from a professional who knows about you. Best of luck.

In what way*

This sounds like it might just be a little 'woe is me' over dramatisation.

TBH I have been a little guilty of that sometime...when a bit of a run of bad nights turns into 'the demon will not sleep - I am going insane' sort of thing.

It isn't good...its immature and needy...but its a very human response to having troubles to deal with in life.

Not saying that you shouldn't end things if you feel the betrayal strongly...I am simply saying that it might not be what it appears to be on the surface.

I have suffered PND

OP if the gp has said you no longer have pnd, and you can look back on the last few months with a clear head, I wouldn't imagine you need to see the gp again. Do you mind telling us what your other issues are?

If you believe someone needs an urgent gp appointment then you make one. If you a believe they are so unwell they need to be in a mental health unit you would speak to the gp. Either he's genuinely concerned or he's not.

Failing to get professional help and instead Bitching to a friend is not the actions of someone who is genuinely concerned .

Maybe if your H had given you the help you asked for (which is a first step a lot of times in acknowledging there is a problem) rather than exaggerating it all to another you wouldn't be in such a state.

Yes he may have been struggling to help OP. Bitching to a so called friend, over exaggerating her asking for help and being a bit of a nasty cunt doesn't make him look very good though.

I agree with others. Go back to your GP. Explain everything including showing the messages and ask them what support you need.

If once you are in a better place you can or cannot forgive your H or friend you will be making the decision with a clear mind.

I am not sure about your situation because it may be completely different, but my friend, who is bipolar had a horrendous relapse after she had her child spinning her into a state of complete depression. I received and made many contacts phone, email, text with her husband as he was beside himself with fear as her illness had been largely under control while they had been together and for work reasons he was in another country. We (her friends) had been through a few episodes with her in the past while we were in shared accommodation.

My friend knows about these conversations some of which may now, when she is better, seem harsh (should she be sectioned etc) but they were all between 2 people who were solely interested in making her life better at the time.

Depression is a cruel insidious illness that does not limit its effects on the person suffering from it. Family and friends who are trying to provide support can easily find themselves completely out of their depth and sometimes they need to talk through their experiences with others.

This might be completely different to the OP experience but I would be discussing this with the actual protagonists to figure out the background to why they were discussing what they were discussing and see if there are reasons that you can life with.

My friend is on holiday with her family so I've not contacted her. She doesn't offer help, she is aware (from me) that little one is hard work. She is a drama queen, watches lots of soaps so this was probably her idea of heaven.

Drew64 I think you're right, he is a bit lost by it all, BUT he has told her all sorts of private stuff, stuff no other living person knows. I trusted him. He has just told me he has told his mother!!! (That explains her speaking to me like I'm deaf and have the mental ability of a shoe lace!).

He says my friend fuelled the matter and kept asking for more details (the messages confirm this) but he still told her. We talked a while ago about honesty, we both agreed that without it there is nothing.

PND has gone but it has changed me, I'm different to the old me, but then I gave a very different life too.

Not nice what they've done. However you look at. Even at it's been innocent level, it would have affected my trust. DH you might be able to regain that trust. Maybe he was just venting. But I don't think this woman is a real friend to you.

Most* not been?

She sounds really toxic. You'd be better off getting rid. I can understand him telling his mum, although he should have told you he wanted to confide in her. And sounds like she has tried to nice about it in her own clumsy way. If he has exaggerated to her too, no wonder she seemed a bit startled!

Telling your friend private things is a huge betrayal of trust. If he recognises this now, he'll be better prepared in future for toxic people. It is all sounding like he's let himself be a bit waylaid. It almost sounds a bit like your friend has been instigating an emotinal affair, wanting him to confide in and trust her.

Does your H have male friends in whom he might confide or is it just this drama loving woman?

My thoughts here are:

She likes drama and maybe he likes an audience?
He feels you don't give him enough attention now that you have a baby with healthcare needs?

If his emails to the friend had read:

'I feel completely out of my depth with Memom's PND and the baby's needs. I love her very much but I don't know how to help her & I'm stressed and exhausted out trying to cope. I feel she needs more help than I can give, perhaps she's more ill than she acknowledges. Can you advise me how I can support her?'

then I would be saying: I understand that the two of them discussing you feels like a betrayal, but the emails actually sound very supportive and like they want to help you. I do think it's fair enough that he told his mum.

But I don't think it's at all fair on the OP to imply that she's more ill than she realises and that what she thinks these two said in the emails is not what they said or what they meant. It's disrespectful and disempowering. And actually it's what her DH has already done. He assured her that, contrary to the evidence of her eyes, actually the emails were simply 'reassuring her friend that she was fine'.

That's odd in itself, as first of all the OP says she's not fine, she says she's struggling with the situation; secondly, it doesn't tally with the quotes in which DH and friend think she has bipolar and needs to be in a mental health unit. If DH was truly concerned about this he could have used the fact of the OP having read the emails to admit that he's worried about her and feels she needs to go back to the doctor.

Also, a small but very key detail is this:

'He is very good at putting me down, he can make me feel I've done wrong when I know really I haven't'.

OP appears to be talking generally here, not specifically about this situation, and those traits are apparent in the emails.