done bad things but really need help

[needrealhelp]

Can't believe I'm posting this. I'm scared of the backlash. But I really need help.

My life is one big mess. I'm not going to justify my actions, because they are wrong and I know it. But I'm on self destruct. I probably deserve what I'm getting right now. But I just want to be a normal happy person.

I will try and keep brief.

I was with my ex for many years. Had 4 kids with him. He was abusive to me. Met him young.

Met a man whilst with my abusive ex. I knew he was in a relationship and had a small child. But I loved the attention he gave and was attracted to him. He told me he would never leave his partner because she would leave country with his child. But told me they have a brother and sister style relationship and not slept together since before their baby was born. He said he doesn't love her and she doesn't love him.

I believed him. Embarked on an affair and left my ex. Even with the knowledge I'd never be with this attatched man. In fact, many months down the line when I told him I loved him, he told me he doesn't love me but likes our relationship we have (sex) and friendship. And cares about me. But we would never be together. I was devestated, but totally in love with him and wanted some of him rather that nothing at all.

During our casual relationship, I tried to meet someone on the sly. Hoping they'd change my feelings towards attached man and I'd be able to shake him off.

In this past year alone, I have secretly had encounters with five different men. All but one, used me for sex but nothing more. I allowed it but it crushed my confidence.

The one that seemed to generally like me, well I ruined that. I was obviously not being entirely honest as was still seeing attached man. This guy never found out, but I was so hoping he'd be the one to make me fall for him and cut my ties with AM. Instead, I was accusing him of seeing someone else even though I was being the dishonest one. In the end I drove him away.

So, i had recently fallen out with attatched man as I have reason to believe he is sleeping with other women too. We stopped speaking for 6 weeks. It killed me. Out of tge blue he text and said he wanted to meet up. We did and things have gone straight into their normal pattern. I also ended up sleeping with another guy who had struggling me along for sex only. I'm always trying to find a substitute to help me break from am.

So here I am feeling used and sad.

Men have no respect for me and I can see why. I started counselling but even there, I don't tell them everything as I'm so ashamed.

Please help me. I don't want to be all the above. I want to be normal, loyal and happy

It sounds like you need to cut all ties with the married man (block and delete phone number) and spend some time alone. You do know the whole brother/ sister thing is a lie- he'll still be having sex with his wife.

I assume you're using condoms with all these men? If not you could be at risk but more importantly his wife (and the wives of the other men if married) could be at risk.

However hard this is for you, just think how terrible it is for his wife looking after their small child while he's off fucking you.

Agree with nerr you need to cut all ties with this married man and take some time out to be on your own for a bit invest in a good rampant rabbit if you need to

Men have no respect for me and I can see why. Nonsense. This does not matter one tiny bit. Do you like yourself? Do you have stuff that makes you happy? What things are the tiny bits of joy that make you a human? Dump all the idiots and start from there. Go for a walk, swim or just sit. Smell a flower. Do something that involves you. Tell your counselor everything because; fuck it, why not?

Then, stop having sex for a while. And see what happens.

You are getting into a cycle where you are looking at sex as a bind that ties. And it really isn't.

Emotionally you have to be quite strong and assured as a woman to enter into the world of "fwb" or one night stands. And quite clear not to expect an outcome other than sexual play. But if you are hoping that this will lead to a relationship or other feelings about you, and sadly you are on a hiding to nothing. And this will pretty much make you an empty vessel emotionally.

The guy has clearly told you he won't leave his wife. He is still having a normal relationship with her. Please, please end this now. Think of all the lives you are damaging, including your own.

I'm not blaming you, you went through an abusive relationship and looked for an escape.

Now that you are out its time for you to heal yourself and decide what you want out of life.

Please tell the counsellor everything. They will have heard this before. It's nothing to be ashamed of and they can give you the right kind of support.

Start thinking about what you really enjoy in life, what things make you happy. Be kind to yourself and break the cycle.

If you want a relationship take some time to think about the kind of relationship you want, and deserve.

You're not a bad person, you're just making some bad decisions for yourself based on history. Another man will never satisfy you if you don't know what it it is that makes you tick.

You need to cuts ties immediately - the relationship will ( and is) destroying you.

I agree that you need to stop trying to have ONS and give yourself time to think and to be.

It's not easy and you've had a hard start but you can escape!

I agree with WallyBanters. Abusive relationships can be destructive on many levels. You need time to heal and really, why do you feel such need to be in a relationship? any relationship?

You cant change the past but you can learn from it and move on.

men have no respect for you because you don't have any respect for yourself.

i don't mean that unkindly. if you want to shag an entire football team, just for sex, thats fab, if thats what you want. BUT IT isn't.

Ive sort of been in a similar situation many years ago. It destroyed my self esteem.

Pp are right when you say you need to cut all ties. You don't need to be with anyone else to do this. You need to start liking yourself enough to say hang on a minute, im too good for this. You are. you deserve to be happy. .

Men like this become addictive. It's like a drug that makes you feel better for a short time but even worse for a longer time.

You need to cut ties with all of them! By doing this you are likely to hit rock bottom so prepare yourself. You need time on your own to work on yourself. It will be incredibly hard but you are having counselling which is a fabulous opportunity to turn it round. Set some new things in place to fill time. Join a gym/running club, enrol in college or anything to help you keep going during that difficult time.

You will keep wanting to see this man. He will come back to you like he did but you must stop the cycle and invest in things that will give you something long term.

Please just stop and stop now. It's a viscious circle that will only get worse.

All these relationships are abusive. All abusive relationships have an addictive element to them. You are addicted to AM, hence why you are helpless when he whistles.

He's a liar, an abuser. He made you suffer for 6 weeks so you'd learn to stay in your place - as his shag on the side. That's all he's interested in and he's made it clear you need to know your place.

Tell the counsellor you have been promiscuous - that's a good catch-all without having to go into detail. The chances are, it's usually the case, that people who end up the victim of abuse have almost always experienced abuse before, probably in childhood. We may or may not have been directly abused, it may be our parents' relationship that was abusive, but there's a history somewhere along the line. Counselling, long term, will uncover all those messages you (we) imbibed at a primary, impressionable age and show them up for what they are: lies. It is not a woman's place to be abused. This isn't what you were born for.

I'm certainly not going to be pointing fingers. You are harming yourself, as well as others, to such a horrible extent I can only feel compassion. You are loved and loveable, only you don't know it. Be honest with the counsellor and you will make more progress - they don't judge, their training is very thorough and they know that disordered behaviour has a root. They are not going to be making social judgements eg what a slag/bitch (which is what you're saying to yourself). They know there's much more to it than that.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? Chances are you need to work through the effects of the abuse in your previous relationship. The fact you've gone on to more abusive relationships is evidence there are things you need to come to terms with about the abuse in your previous relationship and your history.

It's a good sign you want to be well and whole. Go for health, op, and do whatever it takes xxx

be honest with your counsellor, they need the whole picture to be able to help. I agree cut dies with this chap and focus on yourself and your kids for a bit. You can't carry on as you are. Be kind to yourself x

I agree very much with Wally - you are looking for an emotional connection via a physical medium, and it's not going to happen.

You recognise that your actions are wrong, and you are seeking help (through counselling.) Those are both good things. You are not trying to justify your actions, which is also good.

How many sessions of counselling have you had so far? It is normal not to open up about everything until you feel you have a level of trust with the counsellor. Do you feel once you know them better you could introduce the subject, perhaps by saying "I've been doing something wrong and I feel terrible about it..."?

Can you stop seeing this man? I am worried that you are in a cycle of self-destructive behaviour, where you act contrary to your morals and then use it as proof that you should hate yourself. You then feel even more worthless and you seek out more sexual partners even knowing intellectually that you will not find what you need. You are then driven back to your married man, making you feel even worse. And down and down it spirals :(

You deserve to get better, you know. You deserve to love and respect and value yourself. And once you do, you will feel strong enough not to make these bad decisions again.

I really appreciate all your advice. I know I don't deserve sympathy, and I am certainly not asking for it. But thank you.

The AM seems entirely different from my ex who was abusive, in the sense that he helps me out with general things (never financially) and doesn't put me down or hurt me physically. But that said, he no longer compliments me of makes an effort. I guess because in my heart I know he is seeing another woman (other than his partner). And I suppose because really, he knows he doesn't have to try anymore as I'll always be there for his needs.

I'm disgusted in myself because not once have I thought about the effect it would have on his partner. I guess I want to believe things are what he says they are with them. But I suppose I'm being ridiculously niave.

I'm also disgusted because I have had unprotected sex with him. And a couple of tge other one night stands ????

It's hard to be level that actually I had a wonderful childhood, where my parents were loving etc. No abuse and my parents are still very much together and happy. They know nothing of what I'm doing. I'm too ashamed.

I did however meet my abusive ex as a 16 year old. He was a bit older. I never really experience a proper relationship.

My children are un affected by this, as I keep my personal life separate to them. They are all happy well adjusted children considering. But I struggle to keep up the pretence of happiness sometimes. It's hard to act when I'm always feeling so low

And I do think I use sex as a measure of being wanted. Deep down I know all I want to be is happy and loved. I just haven't had the strength or guts to do what I know I need to.

I feel I probably deserve what I get considering my bad treatment of people etc. But I really want to get out of this cycle. However I feel incredibly attached to this man. And the thought of him not being in my life hurts. Yet I know it's the only way I'll make progress .

During that 6 week break I felt numb. But I was definitely slowly making progress. Very slowly but I could sense it. Now it feels like back to square one but worse

You know what you have to do. Stop seeing this other man. Right now. Send one text saying it's over and not to contact you again as you will not reply. Then delete / block his number and email address and remove him from any social media.

I would say this even if he was single. That he has a partner and child makes it even more vital. You say you aren't proud of yourself so put that thought into action and STOP being someone who enables a man to hurt his family.

He has, at least, been upfront with you and made it clear: he will never have a proper relationship with you. He is even 'cheating' on you - yep, the other woman has been usurped by yet another one!! He will NEVER make you happy. He is using you and you are letting him.

If you want a normal, happy relationship then you can. There are lots of lovely, decent, wonderful men out there. But you will not meet one until you are free of this creep. So, as a first step to finding the right man, please follow my advice and bin him NOW!

You can't change the past but you are in control of your future. Life is short - don't waste time with this loser! (And please get an STI check - and don't take risks again. If not for you but your children.) Be strong!

Take a few deep breaths and reorganise your life so that it suits you better.
For now, sack all the men in your life. Have a few months man-free to regain some sense of who you are without them.
Your confidence will return.
Stop beating yourself up. You haven't done anything other than make a mistake that many people make when they need love and cherishing. You looked for it the way you knew how - from other people.
Love and cherish yourself for a while.
Things will come right.

I'm actually in tears as I read the replies. I know that they are constructive and are not to make me feel better about myself, but to make me do the right thing which in turn will be better for myself.

He will continue to cheat and so his partner will no doubt get hurt still. It is in my control now to no longer be part of it however.

I'm going to send that text as suggested. I'm very upset as my heart is telling me I still want him in my life but my head says different.

I've been a massive fool and deserve the hurt and pain I know I'm about to embark on once I go no contact. But I really can't deal with this life I have made for myself now.

Thank you again for your wise words. Sometimes seeing what you already know, write down in black and white, makes the situation more real. I'd be mad not to go through with it now.

Well done! So pleased you are going to kick him out of your life. Just be very sure you'll go through with it first though. If he wheedles his way back in after you've told him no more then he will have more power than ever.

Remember this: when you look back on this time you will wonder why you ever got involved with this muppet. Imagine your future self has travelled back in time and is stood before you now. She's saying:

Bin him now, right now, cold turkey, no regrets. You will not look back and soon he will gross you out. Start loving and respecting yourself again. You will find happiness with a wonderful man but take your time.

Good luck - looking forward to an update post in a few months!!

Well done - it's the right thing to do.

Thank you again :-)

I sent "we are finished for good. I do not wish to explain and have made my mind up. Please don't contact me as I will not respond"

His reply "ok"

And now I'm crushed! I have finished by text before but not as clear cut as above. He's response has generally been a one word answer, which entices me to text back something along the lines as "don't you care about me, is that all you have to say"

Do you think that is what he is doing now? Expecting me to text for more. Or do you think he assumes I am not serious.

He is already playing with my mind. How did I ever allow myself to get on this mess

The horrible truth is you care a lot more about him than he cares about you. He is probably arrogant and thinks 'she'll be back'.. don't give him the satisfaction. He doesn't care about you. He has said as much. So he isn't worth your time. you will hopefully meet someone lovely in the future and mutually fall in love.. but for the moment you need to learn to love yourself first. you deserve much better than this. Chin up hun, he isn't worth it. xx

ps.. sending you a hug.. I think you need one x

Think how you'd have liked him to reply. Maybe:

'Please don't! I love you!' or

'I'm sorry, I'll leave my wife and we'll be together!' or even

'No! You are the most important thing in my life, I must see you again!'

But he's never given you any reason to think he feels like this, in fact he's specifically said to the contrary.

He couldn't EVEN be bothered to say:

'I totally understand. Thanks for the good times and best wishes for the future.'

Because, no, he doesn't care. This is what you must accept and move on from. The only thing he's actually thinking is:

'Yeah, yeah, whatever, you'll be back soon enough so I can continue treating you like dirt and cheating on my poor unsuspecting wife and child. But if you're not then no worries I have others.'

DO NOT be the sap that goes back for more time wasting. He is a loser. If you want a better life and a happy relationship with a decent man this has to be the end. The ball is completely in your court.

I would suggest some therapy - see your GP. I think an std check would be a good idea too :(
I would also suggest you work on you for a while. You were in an abusive relationship from a very young age. Do you even know who you are?
What do you like? What's important to you? What are your dreams?
Everyone (well, most of us) want to be loved. That's nothing to be ashamed of.
BUT Love is not sex.
It really isn't.
It's a perk :)