done bad things but really need help

[needrealhelp]

Can't believe I'm posting this. I'm scared of the backlash. But I really need help.

My life is one big mess. I'm not going to justify my actions, because they are wrong and I know it. But I'm on self destruct. I probably deserve what I'm getting right now. But I just want to be a normal happy person.

I will try and keep brief.

I was with my ex for many years. Had 4 kids with him. He was abusive to me. Met him young.

Met a man whilst with my abusive ex. I knew he was in a relationship and had a small child. But I loved the attention he gave and was attracted to him. He told me he would never leave his partner because she would leave country with his child. But told me they have a brother and sister style relationship and not slept together since before their baby was born. He said he doesn't love her and she doesn't love him.

I believed him. Embarked on an affair and left my ex. Even with the knowledge I'd never be with this attatched man. In fact, many months down the line when I told him I loved him, he told me he doesn't love me but likes our relationship we have (sex) and friendship. And cares about me. But we would never be together. I was devestated, but totally in love with him and wanted some of him rather that nothing at all.

During our casual relationship, I tried to meet someone on the sly. Hoping they'd change my feelings towards attached man and I'd be able to shake him off.

In this past year alone, I have secretly had encounters with five different men. All but one, used me for sex but nothing more. I allowed it but it crushed my confidence.

The one that seemed to generally like me, well I ruined that. I was obviously not being entirely honest as was still seeing attached man. This guy never found out, but I was so hoping he'd be the one to make me fall for him and cut my ties with AM. Instead, I was accusing him of seeing someone else even though I was being the dishonest one. In the end I drove him away.

So, i had recently fallen out with attatched man as I have reason to believe he is sleeping with other women too. We stopped speaking for 6 weeks. It killed me. Out of tge blue he text and said he wanted to meet up. We did and things have gone straight into their normal pattern. I also ended up sleeping with another guy who had struggling me along for sex only. I'm always trying to find a substitute to help me break from am.

So here I am feeling used and sad.

Men have no respect for me and I can see why. I started counselling but even there, I don't tell them everything as I'm so ashamed.

Please help me. I don't want to be all the above. I want to be normal, loyal and happy

It sounds like you are hopping from one abusive relationship to another, you need to stop now and take some time out. You can do the Freedom Programme online now, that might help you to understand why you are allowing yourself to be treated like this.

I don't wish to sound like I'm relishing in the positive feedback. I feel guilty getting such lovely replies as I know I don't deserve that.

But I really do appreciate the support, encouragement and advice. It is making me feel like I can actually come out of this a likable person again. I really want to do this even though it's hurting. I feel I might be stronger knowing I have some support on here as I couldn't tell anyone in real life

DO relish in the kindness - it's precisely what you need. You're not very kind to yourself...

I wouldn't suggest Freedom Programme online because imo a massive shift takes place when we meet others IN REAL LIFE who are victims of the same. Information has its place - eg online - but it's not the same as real life experience, which embeds the info somehow, reframes our lives.

Apart from the Freedom Programme, what can you do to reframe your life? To put your life on different tracks going in a different direction? It seems to me you are manifesting the damage pumped into you in your abusive relationship - you need to get that out of your life (hence FP eg). That conditioning has put you on a self-destruct course - turn that around, reclaim your life and your loveliness.

btw this man is cheating on you! It takes a certain type of scum to cheat on his wife then cheat on his mistress. Yes the 'ok' text was designed to hurt you. It may be sore for a while but hold on, it will pass - you said in the 6 weeks you felt yourself gradually levelling out. Identify times when you know the craving will bite and think of some strategies to protect yourself. xxx

Well done OP, it was hard to send that text but you did it.

If you start to have a wobble, maybe start a new thread and ask for help to NOT contact him or put up with any more rubbish men.

Have you looked into doing the Freedom Programme? It might help you move on from the abuse you had in your marriage and make sure you don't fall into the trap again of accepting less than you are worth.

Well done OP, you deserve so much better than this man. The hardest bit is sticking to it if he texts you wanting to meet up.

Staying strong is the next step to building the normal, happy life for yourself. You can do this.

I'm pleased you haven't been flamed on here as you seem quite vulnerable. If you find yourself waivering post on here instead of texting him back.

I don't mean to sound like a broken record but really, thank you all so much. I was petrified about being so honest. I was tempted to leave bits out with regards to having unprotected sex or the fact that I'd selfishly never considered his partners feelings. I've not been this open with my counsellor bit now I feel confident enough to talk about it all.

As I've said, I will not justify my actions as they are very wrong and take full respinsibility. The replies have made such a difference you will not believe.

I know I'm going to go through hell before I feel better (although I can't even really remember a time in my adult life I was truly happy - I honestly don't think there has been a time). But I have taken on board all the advice and will look into the freedom program as well as go to a sexual health clinic.

He has tried to call (3 times) and I have ignored. First time ever. I feel very low but equally optimistic about the future I could have.

I think a bit of kindness - with no strings attached and no expectations of you - is exactly what you need!

Well done for ignoring his calls - keep going! Everyday is a step forward but if you give in then you're back to square one. And you know it's not a square one that's worth it because he will never give you what you need and deserve. Then the climb will begin again.

Block his number and then delete it (it will stay blocked). Destroy any piece of paper with the number on so you're not tempted to call him when you're wallowing / tipsy. If you do this you'll know you're serious and truly have no intention of going back.

Remind yourself (when you're down) that he has said he'll never leave his family; that he is cheating on you both with a THIRD woman; that you do not want to be a woman who is contributing to the unhappiness of another woman and child; that he is preventing you from having a happy, supportive relationship with a man who will treat you well because while he is in your life you are focused on him.

Everyday is a day away from him and misery and a day towards a better future.

Binning him will make you stronger and happier and this is huge progress towards you feeling good about yourself. You have made the right choice.

The "bed hopping" is basically because you feel unloved, and is understandable. Don't be hard on yourself, tell yourself you are worth loving, and being loved. You are beginning to realise your self worth.
Well done!

Great advice. Thank you!

I can't explain how I have felt but it's like it's not me, but I don't really know who me is. I know how I want to be. My family are so proud of me that I'm not with my abusive ex and keep praising me and saying how strong I am. They have no idea the reality. I'm scared to tell them as they are the only ones who see me for how I want to be. If they knew, I'd fear they'd be so disgusted in me and it's not often I hear genuine kindest from anyone.

For the record I don't even enjoy sex. I have never had that experience of closeness. Rather that I experience I'm satisfying someone's 'need'. But I thought in time AM would feel closer to me with that. But he never did. I would literally spend hours making myself look good. Spending money on products etc to look as good as I could for him. When I suspected he fancied other women I'd compare myself and try to alter my look to be more like them. So superficial and I feel ridiculous and embarrassed writing it down. But he consumed me. I would spend every minute analysing what he said/what did he mean etc. I'd have done anything to make hin love me. And I got nothing in return. But he always knew how to rope me in when I said I couldn't handle things.

I have a daughter. I'd be devestated if she took my path. I'd never want her to be beholding to any man or feel worthless. Especially as her dad is not a good role model.

Wow, lump in throat reading that op.

If I could, and it was appropriate!, I'd want to give you a big, long mummy hug.

You're right, you're not yourself, because the real you wouldn't do this to yourself, wouldn't hurt you as much as this. It's like a form of self harm

But hey you wouldn't be the first to do this, I've certainly heard of it and it seems to be a direct result of abuse. That guy really fucked you over

Plenty of us out here who have been bent seriously out of shape by a fuckhead abuser dickhead. So take heart, you can get through this. So many of us have, tho we didn't think we could.

Start off with: this isn't you. It is the abuse playing out (the gift that keeps on giving ). Give yourself a break, you've been really harmed by the abuse. To get well you're going to have to start learning to be kind to yourself. Start with small things like being nice to yourself in your head sometimes instead of mercilessly treating yourself like shit.

The counselor will be able to help you with overcoming shame. It's an age-old problem and counselors are specialists at strategies to address and overcome it.

As for the slime you've just dumped (yay!), he is so not worth a second of your time. Something got mixed up with him in your head, he equated love and acceptance to you - but that was crossed wires bcs he is the complete opposite of that . It's so sad what we do to ourselves when we're really hurt xxx

Springydaffs. .. thank you :-)

I'm so teary re reading posts including your one Springy, because I expected the vast majority to shame me and say all the nasty things I'd been saying to myself about myself.

I took a gamble posting on here because I didn't want to come across as insensitive especially when I've read so many heartbreaking posts about women whose husbands have cheated. It doesn't sit right asking for help when you are in the wrong. But I'm glad I did because its given me the strength to do the right thing.

I know I've got a long way to go. I recently had to have termination as I was pregnant with AM baby. Another stupid thing I've done (not using protection ) and although I knew I couldn't go through with it, his reaction was tough to swallow. He took me to the clinic, picked me up after and didn't even ask how I felt. He just said from this day forward we shouldn't mention it again. He also told me I wasn't to tell anyone. I never did and it's been so hard to go through that process without being able to lean on my mum, who has always been supportive of me.

I really hope I wake up one day and feel like a different person and not some cheap and used rag doll. I'm worried I'll always be seen as damaged goods because let's face it, I am really.

I wish I knew why I feel the way I do about this man, because already I miss him. But I know he didn't really bring me joy. I don't blame him or my ex. They are who they are but I'm an adult and a mother. Why did I allow myself to get into these situations. I guess that's where my counselling will help.

I have blocked and deleted. To be honest I know his number by heart. But I will rely on these boards to stop me re contacting him. If anything I owe it to my kids and finally acknowledge that I owe it to his partner snd child. As I say, she will get hurt because he will never stay faithful. But I don't need to be part if that anymore x

Hi OP, you said "I struggle to keep up the pretence of happiness sometimes." Well from now you don't have to deal with what was making you so unhappy. Wake up to a fresh start tomorrow and enjoy the good things in your life.

You are not damaged goods!! You clearly ARE the strong person your family know you to be because you've taken a huge and difficult step in the right direction. That is the person you really are, though you might struggle to see it because these dreadful men have (probably deliberately) squashed your self esteem (in order to make it easier for them). The way they have treated and used you does not define who you are.

His insensitivity to you regarding the termination, when you had no-one else for support, beggars belief. I'm so sorry you had to go through that alone.

But I recognise and I'm sure many others will recognise the feelings you describe about putting so much effort into pleasing him, even when he behaved so appallingly, so don't feel embarrassed about having been under his spell. Feel proud that you've seen him for what he is and asserted your freedom.

And your counsellor won't judge you! The more you open up to them, the more they'll be able to help.

Do you think you'd be able to discuss any of this with your mum? I understand that you don't want to alter her good opinion of you but as she's supportive, perhaps she would want to know and help.

Who isn't damaged goods? We all are! Just that some know it....

I don't care what anybody says, some people are highly addictive. That is, they give of a siren call and we get dashed on the rocks around them. Then come back for more

So it's not ALL you is what I'm trying to say. He is dangerous, you need to get away from him. I BET he didn't want to talk about the termination, the bastard

But some of it is you and that's what we're dealing with here. A counselor provides a safe space to address all this very painful stuff. I hope you've got the gist that it's kindness and care you need. Starting with yourself to yourself xxx

Today he turned up at my door an I refused to answer. He shouted through the letter box that he was worried about me. He started saying things like 'I need to stop being silly, I know his situation etc' I was in the living room so he couldn't see me. But I actually then went to open the door. But he'd left by then. I was then annoyed with myself for nearly caving in. I actually felt sorry for him. But I was equally relieved that he'd left before I got to the door.

I now realise I'm going to have to work twice as hard to not get myself in situations where I'm going to be tempted or feel sorry for him. He knows where I live...I've no idea how I'm going to work around that one :-(

On a positive note, I went to the walk in sexual health clinic today as I had a day off work. I'm now awaiting results.

I know I could tell my mum. She would be supportive. But I can't face seeing those few moments of shock or disappointment. I just can't. Plus I'm scared that if she knew, I would drop the happy pretence I've been keeping up and end up looking miserable all the time. I don't enjoy company at the moment as I just want to be on my own with my thoughts. And cry or be miserable without anyone knowing why.

Perhaps it's time to lean on your mum if she's supportive and loving?Someone in real life confirming our analysis of him as a shithead will be hugely beneficial I think! The important thing is you are changing your life for a better future and rejecting the stuff you're ashamed of, so I'm sure your mum will want to help you with that.

More things to add to the list of why he's a shithead to be avoided for when you're tempted by him: he is sleeping with multiple women without protection; he treated your termination with the same disinterest as a trip to the dentist; he is mind playing now you have dumped him by turning things around to make you feel unreasonable eg saying, 'but you knew my situation all along!' In other words, I'm a good guy, you're the crazy one. Wanker.

How DARE he come your home. Were your children there? If he comes again perhaps call the police. A short, sharp shock will get rid of him. Do not secretly hope he will come back - be determined you wasn't rid.

Please, please, DO NOT give in to his pleas no matter how much you want to. He is no good for you, he is holding you back, he does not care about you or any women (regarding them merely as objects for his pleasure), he will never give you the happy ever after you deserve.

And well done for getting the STI check. Hopefully it'll all be clear and that'll be even more motivation to not have unprotected sex with ANYONE not just arsewipe.

Yeah you know his situation: that he's a lying scumbag cheat who is fucking over at least 3 women, exposing them to emotional agony so he can dip his skanky dick where he chooses, when he chooses.

For the first time in a long time you are at last not being silly. Silly was accepting that truly appalling situation that in no way met any of your needs but lacerated you from the inside.

So hey, it's you you need to feel sorry for. If he does that self-serving shit again call 101 and report him for harassment. Get serious, girl; you're going to have to put some might into dragging yourself out of his pit. You can do it

Well done for holding out initially THANK YOU GOD he'd gone when you caved xxx

And do think of potential scenarios where you may be feeling weak and specifically plan strategies to keep your resolve.

Well done. A big victory today (and hope all's well with the tests)

"Men have no respect for me and I can see why."
I think you fucked up by cheating but other than that I don't judge you for how many men you have been with.
What my DP did in life (and sexually) before we started dating is none of my business.

OK then

From a male. Well done you. No blame here, the dickhead took advantage of a vulnerable women in a difficult relationship and used you for sex. The fact that he’s coming to the door means that you are getting the power back. Any back sliding will return the power to him. Don’t do that.

The Freedom Programme sounds great, give it a go and I would seriously consider some planning for what you’ll do if he keeps coming back. Police is definitely an option. A solicitors letter warning him not to approach might be an idea as well.

Think these things through carefully, stay away from men for the time being.

Hi

Brief update but also needing some advise again please.

Firstly, I had my sti checks and got the all clear. Relieved.

I had managed to stay nc with attatched man. It's been incredibly difficult for me but I bumped into him the other day, bringing all feelings to the surface again. He followed me down the street talking to me but I kept my head down and told him to leave me alone. He called me a child and Said he doesn't even know why he bothers and to carry on with my sad little life. Was crushed to be honest and dashed home as quick as I could to cry. And boy did I cry!

I think the reason it gets to me so much Is I feel unlove able. Physically I'm attractive and I get attention from men. Once they get to know me, it's like they like only the physical and not me as person. Always feel used and never valued.

I want to be loved and liked for who I am. But I guess that's never going to shine through unless I feel it myself. And sadly, I don't. My self esteem isn't any better. The counselling sessions keep me going for a day or so, then I feel low again.

I decided I will knock men and dating on the head and work on myself. But I'm struggling massively. I find no joy in day to day things. I don't have a big circle of friends. And I'm rubbish at distracting negative thoughts by keeping busy.

Please give me some tips/positive stories or a kick up the backside.

I see that I am relying on a man to make me happy. Yet never has any man done that or been genuine. I need to make me happy. But how.

I'm beginning to have dark thoughts about never waking up and I'm drinking a lot more. I never would have visualised this for me. My family have no idea and would be suprised as I'm good at keeping up appearances.

Sorry for rambling. Thanks for reading

Please.. someone? :-(

Hi OP, I'm here - just read all your thread. I'm sorry that you're feeling so low. Well done for not engaging with AM when you bumped into him. He said those vile things because he is not getting his own way and I think he realises that you saying no actually means no. In my mind, that makes you incredibly strong. I know you don't feel like it but it took guts to ignore him.