done bad things but really need help

[needrealhelp]

Can't believe I'm posting this. I'm scared of the backlash. But I really need help.

My life is one big mess. I'm not going to justify my actions, because they are wrong and I know it. But I'm on self destruct. I probably deserve what I'm getting right now. But I just want to be a normal happy person.

I will try and keep brief.

I was with my ex for many years. Had 4 kids with him. He was abusive to me. Met him young.

Met a man whilst with my abusive ex. I knew he was in a relationship and had a small child. But I loved the attention he gave and was attracted to him. He told me he would never leave his partner because she would leave country with his child. But told me they have a brother and sister style relationship and not slept together since before their baby was born. He said he doesn't love her and she doesn't love him.

I believed him. Embarked on an affair and left my ex. Even with the knowledge I'd never be with this attatched man. In fact, many months down the line when I told him I loved him, he told me he doesn't love me but likes our relationship we have (sex) and friendship. And cares about me. But we would never be together. I was devestated, but totally in love with him and wanted some of him rather that nothing at all.

During our casual relationship, I tried to meet someone on the sly. Hoping they'd change my feelings towards attached man and I'd be able to shake him off.

In this past year alone, I have secretly had encounters with five different men. All but one, used me for sex but nothing more. I allowed it but it crushed my confidence.

The one that seemed to generally like me, well I ruined that. I was obviously not being entirely honest as was still seeing attached man. This guy never found out, but I was so hoping he'd be the one to make me fall for him and cut my ties with AM. Instead, I was accusing him of seeing someone else even though I was being the dishonest one. In the end I drove him away.

So, i had recently fallen out with attatched man as I have reason to believe he is sleeping with other women too. We stopped speaking for 6 weeks. It killed me. Out of tge blue he text and said he wanted to meet up. We did and things have gone straight into their normal pattern. I also ended up sleeping with another guy who had struggling me along for sex only. I'm always trying to find a substitute to help me break from am.

So here I am feeling used and sad.

Men have no respect for me and I can see why. I started counselling but even there, I don't tell them everything as I'm so ashamed.

Please help me. I don't want to be all the above. I want to be normal, loyal and happy

Thank you for replying. I feel so isolated right now because I can't talk to anyone in rl so i really do appreciate that. I feel like I'm going crazy.

I thought he was the problem. He is just a fraction of it. It's me and my shambles of a life I have made for myself that is the problem. I just want to erase everything and start from scratch. I want to start living and bring happy for no particular reason... just waking up and feeling OK. I want the simple joys in life. But I feel numb and worn down.

Also, you are not unlovable. You are feeling like that because of your abusive past and because your AM has eroded your self esteem. I know that your ex was abusive but it seems AM deliberately targeted a very vulnerable woman to use for sex, no matter how nice he seemed at the time. Please be gentle with yourself.

Have you looked into the Freedom programme yet?

Once you confront one aspect of your life, you can start noticing other aspects of your life that you are not happy with. And then it all becomes all consuming and overwhelming. You start to feel worthless about everything in your life. I think it's pretty common. I know it doesn't help you, but I think it is part of the process.

I think you are doing really well in ignoring this man. You will soon be back in control if you carry on as you are even if it's painful at the moment. Think yourself as a new person new start and only think a few hours at a time and eventually you will get there.
To gain self esteem your actions have to match your values. At the moment that's what you're doing so well done. Your self worth will soar in a couple of weeks or months. Don't let a man be the measure of you. Look to yourself.

Hugs to you OP you sound so sad and lost.

My view is that when we self medicate with sex or drink we avoid hurting for a while. Being brave and giving up the addiction is going to hurt like hell as the underlying pain is felt without the numbing effect of the harmful behaviour. But just like pulling out a festing rotten tooth you have to go through the pain to heal properly. If you try to avoid it you just postpone recovery. So don't try to deny your feelings or put on a brave face. Allow the tears and the hurt and let it pass through you. Be very kind to yourself and you will start to feel better. We will all be here to hold your hand and cheer you on. You are doing a good thing for yourself and for your DC who need a healthy happy DM!

Thank you for your lovely and encouraging words. It's so funny that a few kind words from people is needed even when you really know the answer. I just feel very alone that's all. To my family and anyone that knows me, I'm a normal level headed person. But it's all a front and it's getting harder to keep up the act.

I know there are people far worse off than me and I appreciate I am a lot to blame for my current situation. But I really just want to be the normal person people on the outside view me as. I don't want my thought capacity to be filled with past events - all negative.

I've gotten into a little rut of finishing a bottle of red wine a night when I don't have my kids. It seems to numb the pain. I can't actually believe I've gotten so bad.

Please stick with me .. I know I sound needy. But I just want to feel better. I'm contemplating asking for the doctor for antidepressants. I just want this feeling to go away x

Right: firstly, brilliantly well done for keeping away from him for two weeks.

Secondly, the fact he resorted to name calling shows how he has lost his power and you are the strong one. It also confirms, once and for all, what a nasty piece of work he really is. If you see him again just chuckle to yourself that he is the desperate one with a 'sad life', thinking only of himself at the expense of others.

Thirdly, there is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship: you just have to find the right man and not settle for someone who isn't right just so you're not on your own! In other words, have some fun dating but be prepared to walk away if they're not right for you rather than continue for the sake of having a man. There are lots of lovely men out there and one of them is right for you. Don't give up.

Write a list of all the things that you keep beating yourself up about, read it through, promise yourself you won't repeat the mistakes, then screw it up into a ball and chuck it in the bin. Next write a list of all the fab things about yourself: eg good-looking, funny, great mum, brilliant cook. Put it on the fridge so you can always see it. Keep in mind these positive things front now on. Remember you cannot change the past but you can start afresh today and make the most of the future. Be that person you wanted to be when you binned fuckwit two weeks ago. You have four children -lee Andy that tells me you have more strength than you know!

Can you plan some things into your life which you enjoy doing, activities which you enjoy yourself, other people that do make you happy, do you have any RL friends that you can arrange to go out with, meet for a coffee, or take an exercise class? Do something with your children? ( I don't think you say how old they are).

I am thinking of ways to rebuild your life, look for happiness which does not revolve around a man. Are there any particular hobbies you enjoy, places you like to go to?

Perhaps you need to confide some of what you have said to us to your family. From what you have said I am sure they will be supportive.