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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

he wants to come back.. torn.

61 replies

Hurtandconfused6537 · 26/08/2015 09:58

My ex left home after a huge row 10 week ago. We still loved each other but had been arguing many months both blaming each other. It got too much.
When he did leave I was devastated, I cried begged and pleaded for him to come back. He started going out drinking heavily and for 3 weeks he would keep coming back say he loves me but was unhappy. I thought he needed to let off steam and would be back.

Then on one of the nights out he met a girl and started to cool off things. Initially he seemed besotted with her, I was heartbroken. I didn't eat, I cried every day...

I realised it was over and slowly been rebuilding my life, however, last week he messaged me a bit more. Making excuses to talk. I was at a wedding on the weekend and so was he, we ended up spending the night together.

Since then he messages constant, says he still loves me, he misses me etc. The other girl knows he's being distant and has told a family member she senses he's no longer interested and she feels she was a rebound.

I find it hard to feel guilt towards her as she knew how much I was hurting, I cried my eyes out and she was quite cruel. Like I say it had only been 3 weeks since he moved out when they got together. Still I know its wrong I slept with him and I just don't know what to do. I still love him but fear ill get hurt once more.

Anyone been in this position before?

OP posts:

Original poster

Hurtandconfused6537 · 26/08/2015 10:15

Sorry its so rambling but i really need the advice

OP posts:

Myturnnow4 · 26/08/2015 10:18

I haven't been in this situation. How about putting the brakes on a bit? Put aside two months and agree not to have any sexual or romantic relationship and reassess in November? I would want to see just how constant his rediscovered affection was, how certain he was that he no longer had feelings for her. And to be honest, I don't think you'd want to be with him if you had some time and space to think clearly.

Myturnnow4 · 26/08/2015 10:18

Also, how old are you both, how long were you together and are there any children?

tribpot · 26/08/2015 10:23

So he's still seeing the other girl, despite having slept with you and declaring undying love for you? That's classy. If he actually meant it, wouldn't he have the respect to end things with her whilst waiting for you to make a decision?

It sounds like literally nothing has been resolved since you split, so if you get back together now it will continue on the same basis, i.e. rowing, until eventually one of you leaves again.

So why not slow it right down. You don't need to resume the relationship you had previously, you can start spending time together as well as using the time apart to spend some time on yourself and thinking about what you need. The relationship sounds very tiring with the constant arguing, maybe you're better off living separately at least for the moment?

You don't mention whether there are any children involved. If yes, please be extremely cautious before allowing him to return - it will be devastating for you if he then leaves again (which seems extremely possible to me) but unfairly confusing for children.

Original poster

Hurtandconfused6537 · 26/08/2015 10:26

We are both 32. no children. He hasn't seen the other girl since he said all this which his why she's spoke to the family member.

Its a mess I know

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Original poster

Hurtandconfused6537 · 26/08/2015 10:27

Together 5 years

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wickedlazy · 26/08/2015 10:27

Imo, it sounds like your relationship obviously meant so much, he fucked someone else. After telling you he loved you, and making it sound like he just had a few issues to work out. And when his new relationship started to go sour, he cheated on her, with you... Making you the ow. He doesn't sound like a very nice person. I think he will hurt you again.

wickedlazy · 26/08/2015 10:30

His coming home to tell you he loves you, sounds to me like he has been keeping you dangling, in case nothing else comes along (and when it did, he was away like a shot?)

Original poster

Hurtandconfused6537 · 26/08/2015 10:30

I definitely wouldn't move him back in, I'm not even thinking about that. I am struggling to believe if he actually does still love me. I mean he went with the other woman, I haven't even thought of anyone else since we split.

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Myturnnow4 · 26/08/2015 10:30

Is this really the kind of man you would choose today?

LadyBlaBlah · 26/08/2015 10:31

Walk away

He sounds unreliable and life is too short and all that

Original poster

Hurtandconfused6537 · 26/08/2015 10:35

Yes wicked.. I agree he was trying with a few girls and she was the first one interested and that was that. He says he did like her and she was not complicated but its not the same and he misses me. He's been so apologetic and sounds genuine.... But obviously my guard is up. They haven't gone sour, she's still very much interested in him. But for whatever reason hes obviously had a change of heart either way to be persuing me.

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Enb76 · 26/08/2015 10:36

No - he doesn't love you. He loves himself and doesn't really think about you much at all apart from what he wants from you.

I think it's time for you to move on - do you really want this to be the pattern for the next 5 years? It's all so teenage. You're a grown woman, respect yourself and leave this man behind. Carry on rebuilding your life without him - he may beg and plead but really, he has had his chance with you and he blew it. You deserve better. Learn to believe that and you will find someone better.

Original poster

Hurtandconfused6537 · 26/08/2015 10:37

Probably not but I do love him, we did have a great relationship until the last 8 months or so. Its hard to let go.

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wickedlazy · 26/08/2015 10:37

Have you asked him why, if he loved you so much, he started a sexual relationship with her?

YellowTangerine · 26/08/2015 10:38

Okay you sound like me. I've been doing this for years. It's awful. My ex has been leaving me, getting with someone else and then begging for me back. And do you know why he keeps doing it? Because I let him. If you let him back now he WILL do it again. He will know he can leave, have his fun and then come back. Right now it's the 3rd time my ex has done this and I'm determined that when he comes back again, which he will, I'll tell him where to go. Be strong and please don't let yourself go through what has happened to me.

ChristineDePisan · 26/08/2015 10:38

You can do better than him

BertPuttocks · 26/08/2015 10:40

I would look at his actions rather than his words.

He says he loves you. He says he misses you.

But what has he actually done? He left you. He had 3 weeks of heavy drinking and nights out. He started a relationship with another woman.

He's had a nice little break, taken the opportunity to find another sexual partner, and now wants to come back and carry on as before.

Enb76 · 26/08/2015 10:40

Yes - it's hard to let go but you'd get over it. Life is too short to try and fix things. If you really want to give it another chance then I suggest you go back to just being friends for a couple of months and finding out why you fell in love with him in the first place and if that's actually still there. What I mean is, that he needs to make a massive effort to win you back, not just plead for forgiveness. Go back to the beginning.

Original poster

Hurtandconfused6537 · 26/08/2015 10:46

He says he just wanted to escape how unhappy our relationship had become and felt crap so he wanted the closeness we used to have.. After a few weeks with ow he's realised that he will never feel the same way with her and missing me a lot.

I must stress that we were both at blame for the last few months of constant bickering. We went into financial difficulties and dealt with it very badly. Resenting and blaming each other. We stppied being a couple. Id definitely say we were both depressed and I've worked hard on myself during the split. He seems to have also...but obviously still being emotionally attached i am biased

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wickedlazy · 26/08/2015 10:47

I think you're at risk of him treating you like YellowTangerines ex treated her. Thinking he can have his cake and eat it too. (YT you will be strong this time and tell him where to go!)

Although it could, maybe be a genuine case of you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone.

summerwinterton · 26/08/2015 10:47

His actions are not of someone who loves you.

So he plays both of you off against each other causing you both upset. Don't you think you and her deserve way better than this?

He sounds horrid. Block and move on.

Myturnnow4 · 26/08/2015 10:48

He says he just wanted to escape how unhappy our relationship had become and felt crap so he wanted the closeness we used to have

So he went after someone else?

wickedlazy · 26/08/2015 10:48

You were both to blame for bickering and arguing, yes. But only one of you left the relationship to find solace in someone elses arms...

wickedlazy · 26/08/2015 10:51

Which he actually did again only in the reverse this time, and this time he didn't leave the relationship first.

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