he wants to come back.. torn.

[Hurtandconfused6537]

My ex left home after a huge row 10 week ago. We still loved each other but had been arguing many months both blaming each other. It got too much.
When he did leave I was devastated, I cried begged and pleaded for him to come back. He started going out drinking heavily and for 3 weeks he would keep coming back say he loves me but was unhappy. I thought he needed to let off steam and would be back.

Then on one of the nights out he met a girl and started to cool off things. Initially he seemed besotted with her, I was heartbroken. I didn't eat, I cried every day...

I realised it was over and slowly been rebuilding my life, however, last week he messaged me a bit more. Making excuses to talk. I was at a wedding on the weekend and so was he, we ended up spending the night together.

Since then he messages constant, says he still loves me, he misses me etc. The other girl knows he's being distant and has told a family member she senses he's no longer interested and she feels she was a rebound.

I find it hard to feel guilt towards her as she knew how much I was hurting, I cried my eyes out and she was quite cruel. Like I say it had only been 3 weeks since he moved out when they got together. Still I know its wrong I slept with him and I just don't know what to do. I still love him but fear ill get hurt once more.

Anyone been in this position before?

I'm just still so torn.

I love him very much and never wanted the relationship to end. Although he did treat me very badly at the end, he has also been an amazing thoughtful partner for the majority and I suppose I hang on to the relationship we had prior to the terrible last few months.

He ended things with the ow yesterday. Obviously I am very wary but he says hes trying to prove himself.

I am dating him, will most definitely not be rushing into anything. I hope I dont I live to regret it but then again if i don't ill always wonder what if...

He finished with her yesterday and you're dating him today Just look after yourself, Hurt - don't you think it's likely he finished with her only when he knew you were a sure thing?

How does he suggest you (together) resolve the tensions in the relationship that caused all the recent rowing?

This reminds me of the line in Back to Black by Amy Winehouse "he kept his dick wet, with his same old safe bet". The reasons for your break up haven't miraculously disappeared and added to that, when the going got tough he f*cked off and found his 'space' in the nearest vagina.

Reading your posts you appear to apportion some blame to this woman and feel that somehow your heartbreak is more valid (because you had him first). Jumping in to bed with him and supposedly recapiting his heart isn't a win for you and once the distraction of your victory begins to fade, you'll still be left with the same old same old. Actually, it won't be the same old same old because this time around, you'll have to be on your best behaviour for fear of him needing space (in the nearest vagina) again.

Rather than date, engage the services of a relationship counsellor and find out if his actions speak louder than his words.

You should see if he really broke off with her. And he should have done it regardless of you dating him or not (I. E. you should not be dating him at this time)
Aren't you worried that he's going to take off next time you hit a rough patch? Or next time you disagree with him?
Please make sure you don't bend yourself backwards to appease him, but rather stay your ground more. Or if he hints at leaving again, you should send him on his way fast.

Stand your ground, not stay.

Every relationship goes through rough patches and its likely you two will have further hard times ahead...for example if you have children that will put a huge strain on your relationship. He has already shown he will run away if times get rough, he could run away again yet this time leave you holding the baby so to speak.

Huge risk of future heartbreak.

:( feeling broken this morning. I appreciate all advice

It's probably good that you're questioning the basis of the relationship instead of trying to slot back into the old patterns as if nothing had ever happened. It's not that you (together) can't forge a new relationship out of what's happened, it's that it's going to take work. Do you think he wants to do that, or just brush it under the carpet until next time?

We all make mistakes, your relationship was shit by what you have told us and it broke down, he went off, met someone else and has now realised it isn't that green on that side is it, it's hardly a complete reflection of his whole personality or of how he is intending to treat you from now on it, I'd like to think he's learnt lessons, you too I guess.

You say he was horrible to you at the end, well if he starts being horrible to you now then you will have your answer, however, he may well step up to the mark now and prove to you that he is worthy, only time will tell; no harm in dating him and seeing what happens, you've been there before so hopefully you wont put yourself in that position again now.

I don't think he necessarily ran away, I think separating was the right thing to do at the time. One thing I don't like is how he treated you, be very wary and careful.

Why don't you go "no contact" for a few months and get some space and distance.

In that time, if he goes out with someone else then you'll know he's not worth trying again with. And hopefully in a few months time you'll be less hurt and able to look at it objectively, and then decide if he is what you really want?

You can't do that while he's messing you around like this.

Do you really think that he hasn't kept this other girl on the black burn that if you say no, he will go running straight back to her.

Will you not be thinking every time you have an argument whether this guy will go running to her. Can you really trust him? Is this really the type of relationship you want to be in?

If this guy really loved you 1) he would have tried to work things out with you 2) he wouldn't have gone rushing into the arms of another woman 3) he wouldn't have treated you badly

This guy sounds like an absolute waste, you really think you can get back to how you used to be. Stop wasting your time - move on to someone who treats you with respect and actually deserves you.

Of course it will be hard at first, but hopefully you'll realise it was the right decision.