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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

he wants to come back.. torn.

61 replies

Hurtandconfused6537 · 26/08/2015 09:58

My ex left home after a huge row 10 week ago. We still loved each other but had been arguing many months both blaming each other. It got too much.
When he did leave I was devastated, I cried begged and pleaded for him to come back. He started going out drinking heavily and for 3 weeks he would keep coming back say he loves me but was unhappy. I thought he needed to let off steam and would be back.

Then on one of the nights out he met a girl and started to cool off things. Initially he seemed besotted with her, I was heartbroken. I didn't eat, I cried every day...

I realised it was over and slowly been rebuilding my life, however, last week he messaged me a bit more. Making excuses to talk. I was at a wedding on the weekend and so was he, we ended up spending the night together.

Since then he messages constant, says he still loves me, he misses me etc. The other girl knows he's being distant and has told a family member she senses he's no longer interested and she feels she was a rebound.

I find it hard to feel guilt towards her as she knew how much I was hurting, I cried my eyes out and she was quite cruel. Like I say it had only been 3 weeks since he moved out when they got together. Still I know its wrong I slept with him and I just don't know what to do. I still love him but fear ill get hurt once more.

Anyone been in this position before?

OP posts:

BertPuttocks · 26/08/2015 10:53

"Id definitely say we were both depressed and I've worked hard on myself during the split. He seems to have also...but obviously still being emotionally attached i am biased"

When exactly has he had the time to do that? Was it during those three weeks of heavy drinking and nights out? Or perhaps it was during the following six weeks when he was busy concentrating on his relationship with another woman?

Original poster

Hurtandconfused6537 · 26/08/2015 10:56

I'm starting to feel a bit silly now. Suppose I wanted to believe him .

OP posts:

TheoriginalLEM · 26/08/2015 10:59

You say that the other girls senses he is distant with her? Well there is your answer - he hasn't finished with the other girl yet, keeping her on the back burner in case you say yes? So when he comes back and all the pain and hurt has to be worked through, harsh words are said etc - where do you think he is going to run to?

I am all for reconciliation but he hasn't even the decency to say, look, its you i want, always was bla bla and finish with this other girl, because if that was the truth he woudlnt even have any interest in her at all

TheoriginalLEM · 26/08/2015 11:03

cross posted with your last post there - please don't feel silly. You want the man back who you fell for, he isn't that. xxx

BertPuttocks · 26/08/2015 11:08

Don't feel silly, Hurt.

magoria · 26/08/2015 11:10

If you have had sex with him while he had also done else where you need to consider a trip to a STI clinic and so does he before you do so again.

wickedlazy · 26/08/2015 11:15

Don't feel silly! He sounds very manipulative, and good at toying with women.

wickedlazy · 26/08/2015 11:16

LEM makes a good point about keeping her on the back burner.

Myturnnow4 · 26/08/2015 11:18

You shouldn't feel silly. You realised that this was something you needed to talk about and get some support with. Silly would mean blindly continuing without thinking.

I've just been reading about how Being In Love means (amongst other things) that you focus on the positives and minimise the negatives. Falling out of love means you ignore the positives and focus on the positives. It enables you to move on. I think you (and me) are both in the in between stage.

Myturnnow4 · 26/08/2015 11:19

Should say,

Falling out of love means you ignore the positives and focus on the negatives

Wando · 26/08/2015 11:56

My turnnow 4 is absolutely right. Getting a balanced picture in times of difficulty is very hard .

Wando · 26/08/2015 12:40

Try again perhaps but have very clear ground rules otherwise this will just come back in a big circle in a few months/years time.

Robotgirl · 26/08/2015 12:56

You're young. You're not stupid. Walk away. Surround yourself with good people who care about you. Listen to Amy Winehouse records. Be kind to yourself. Choose life.

Smilingforth · 26/08/2015 14:00

It's going to be very hard. Be absolutely certain if you want to try again.

featherandblack · 26/08/2015 14:04

He sounds rotten and you're unlikely to be happy. There would be lots of work to do if you were to be together again. He's clearly not prepared to behave like an adult human being - so I would leave it. And don't stoop to his level by facilitating his cheating on someone else.

Fairenuff · 26/08/2015 14:17

OP this reminds me of that Beautiful South song:

I've had a little time
To find the truth
Now I've had a little room
To check what's wrong
I've had a little time
And I still love you
I've had a little

You had a little time
And you had a little fun
Didn't you, didn't you
While you had yours
Do you think I had none
Do you, do you
The Freedom that you wanted bad
Is yours for good
I hope you're glad
Sad into unsad

I had a little time
To think it over
Had a little room
To work it out
I found a little courage
To call it off

He's messing you around and you really do not need that. If you've been together for 5 years and you are still not sure, that tells you all you need to know. He is selfish and selfish people need to be single because they cannot really give a partner what they need.

Call it off and get back to making a new start for yourself. Block his number, delete it and post here if you start to wobble.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/08/2015 14:36

I was going to post exactly that fairenuff

What's changed really?
If he comes back, how will it be different?
What will you need to do to fix things?
What will he need to do to fix things?
How will you really feel when he's back and you come to 'make love' and all you see is the OW face?
Why will it work if you give it another try?

There is no way you can make any decisions with him in your head and phone all the time.
I would ask him to go NC for two weeks while you really get your head around things. Without him encroaching on that thinking process.

Give yourself a little bit of time to work it all out and to really decide what it is YOU want from life, relationships, etc.....
Then you can look at him and see IF he is really what you want for the rest of your life!

Lweji · 26/08/2015 14:44

I'd call time out and see what he does in the meantime. And how you feel about him.

kittybiscuits · 26/08/2015 14:47

Excellent suggestion from Lweji. He doesn't sound like a catch to me.

Wando · 26/08/2015 22:18

I think you need to make a decision one way or the other for your sanity. I'm not holding out much hope.

Smilingforth · 27/08/2015 08:02

Just seen the beautiful south post - very true.

Original poster

Hurtandconfused6537 · 27/08/2015 15:50

Thank you everyone. Some good advice. :)

OP posts:

Myturnnow4 · 27/08/2015 16:06

How are you doing? Are you finding it a bit of a rollercoaster?

Jan45 · 27/08/2015 17:14

If you really want to try again then you should, sometimes relationships get very bad and yes people split and then go off and shag someone else, it quite often is a rebound and makes the person I realise they enjoy the freedom of choice or it can make a person realise what they have lost and would like again, but yous can't be how you were, something would need to change, I'd just take it really slowly and date, don't rush him back in, that would be a big mistake.

Jan45 · 27/08/2015 17:17

I am also tending to agree with those who say if he was really serious about you, he'd have binned off the OW by now, maybe you just think you want him back because he's with someone and perhaps you are feeling a bit bored with your lot, who knows, only you can decide.

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