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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sod it. I need a dh-addicted-to-online-games support thread...

28 replies

Sophiev73 · 26/11/2006 20:16

Bloody dh is totally addicted to online games to do with conquering the world or some such crap. Little tiny soldiers doing battle against Nordic Gods, playing with people from Portugal etc etc... I sound flippant but it's threatening our relationship. He's been doing it for years and also works shifts, so when he comes in late, he logs on, plays and bingo! It's 3.30 am and he's far too knackered to get up and help in the morning... We have two gorgeous dss (5 months and 2.4 years) and they need to be got up and looked after.

What to do? Has anyone got experience of weaning them off? How did you do it? As I write, he's crashed out again on the sofa having been asleep since 4.30, I've done the whole evening alone AGAIN. GRRRRR

OP posts:
Original poster
Sophiev73 · 26/11/2006 20:23

Aww c'mon am I really the only one with a dh who does this?...

OP posts:
camera · 26/11/2006 20:27

your not the only one my dh is a wow fan gets my goat as well not tips but will be wathcing this thread, or you could pull a wire out of the internet connection box whenyou next dust?

NappiesGaloreQueenofFaffing · 26/11/2006 20:27

ouch. sympathy.

mine has just bought a game developers website. so at least when he plays, its 'work'

try talking to him. he clearly has no idea how much its bothering you.

or kick him in the head.

busybusymum · 26/11/2006 20:27

Mine has the same addiction to a sporting message board. he comes in from work says a quick Hi then logs on and thats it then. His day offs are spent "chatting" to his "friends"

Dont know what to do about it My friend left her husband because she would sit in the living room with him "chatting" to alsorts and she was being ignored. She warned him, things didn't improve, she didnt want to spend rest of life being ignored so she left!

Original poster
Sophiev73 · 26/11/2006 20:28

Um. Dust?... Need to 'fly', obviously.
Is another world, but glad I'm not alone, I keep taunting him that he'll die because he wouldn't wee or eat like that bloke in Taiwan...

OP posts:
Flamesparrow · 26/11/2006 20:29

Mine is selling his WoW account on ebay

How are we weaning him off it?? He's sold a pile of stuff to buy a wii...

Things did improve with us slightly through WoW though - he made a load of local friends, and we now have a rl social life with them too...

Oh, and I NEVER let him get out of anything through tiredness - he can play as late as he wants, but he is still doing full duties the next day.

NotQuiteCockney · 26/11/2006 20:30

Hmm, I quite like computer games, but generally avoid the online ones because I fear how addictive they can be. My DH games sometimes, but is sensible about it, now. Doesn't game late at night, etc etc.

I don't know how you can get him to be more sensible about these things, or get him to pull his weight around the house ...

Original poster
Sophiev73 · 26/11/2006 20:32

Yas I know I should be able to get him out of bed but he's stubborn as a donkey and sleeps like a rock. Just physically can't be woken up despite shoving, pulling etc. I have screamed at him often. Any sly pyschological tips?...

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 26/11/2006 20:35

When you say he works shifts, does his work time change week to week? Or does he just work late hours?

shhhh · 26/11/2006 20:39

Right, luckily dh is not that bad..well I think he is BUT obviously compared to others he isn't. Usually the time he goes on his playstaion/xbox thingy ma jig is usually when I go on the internet for various things. Obviously problem solved for us.....

BUT I do remember dh being very addicted a few years back and it drove me up the wall. What did I do..well I hid the handset for his playstation etc. It worked a treat. How about that..? Remove the vital lead to the pc or the control pad or the mouse or whatever he needs to access the games.

Gives you time to get the message accross. Good luck.

Original poster
Sophiev73 · 26/11/2006 20:39

No, crap ever-changing shifts with no pattern to them, 'early' ends at 2.30pm, 'late' starts at 1pm and ends at 9pm. Just one of the many reasons I hate his job and when I go back to work in a month, I really really want him to be on my team...

I feel like he's a teenager and I'm his mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sophiev73 · 26/11/2006 20:41

I think if a totalled the PC (tempting) he'd lose it.

OP posts:
BonyM · 26/11/2006 20:41

My ex-dh used to do this. No solution I'm afraid, I left him...

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 26/11/2006 20:42

Better than him being addicted to online porn I guess

hatwoman · 26/11/2006 20:43

my advice would be to talk to him - not about the games though. talk to him about family life and him doing his share. between you sit down and work out what's a fair way to share out the work - all of it - his job, yours (?), looking after the kids, and housework. work out some sort of system - in addition to sharing out the work, share out some time to yourselves and some time together as a couple. once you've got your system in place then he'll know it's his turn to get the kids up - and it'll be his problem if he's been up half the night - you'll be there sounding the alarm in his ear if needs be. I think you need to work out the family life as the priority - games can then be fitted around that - not the other way round.

Original poster
Sophiev73 · 26/11/2006 20:48

Thank you all. I've had that conversation many times I'm afraid hatwoman, perhaps I was too hectoring about it all. Can't help but be cross sometimes... Yes it is defintely better than porn!

It's a no-win I think. He says he needs to 'unwind' and is quite depressed at the mo. So I let it slide... Oh well.

OP posts:
hatwoman · 26/11/2006 20:56

can you use your return to work as a peg? - say that you need to work things out, need to have a new system etc. - again maybe not mentioning the games, and maybe not particularly implying that you feel he's not currently pulling his weight - make it sound future-looking and as collaborative as possible. "how are we going to organise things when I go back?" must be worth a try?

Original poster
Sophiev73 · 26/11/2006 20:57

Ok good idea, will try the upbeat approach. Bloody games can only have been invented by men. Thanks.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 26/11/2006 20:59

I can see a case for using it to "unwind". But maybe on a timer? So he only uses it for N minutes, and then stops?

Original poster
Sophiev73 · 26/11/2006 20:59

LOVE the idea of a timer. It might just work godammit...

OP posts:
hatwoman · 26/11/2006 21:01

i think there's something to that - it might also have the effect of shocking him into realising just how much he's doing it.

Original poster
Sophiev73 · 26/11/2006 21:05

Yep I think NQC has it there...

OP posts:
suburbanjellybrain · 26/11/2006 21:25

totally sympathise as my dh is a gamer he plays everquest and it does piss me off mainly because of the interactive element which means he is 'unable' to be flexible in the way two v young children demand. I resent him promising his online chums that he will help them with a spell or killing a goblin or whatever they do! when I want us to be his priority - but after the birth of dd 7.5m ago he has been very involved with putting ds 2.3 too bed etc while i was looking after colicky baby and getting bf'ing established. He doesn't work shifts and has a long commute so is rarely in bed after midnight so in all the problems I have with him are minor.

We have worked things out through a process of attrition he has realised that he can't just go straight to the computer and stay there all night as he needs and wants to see and spend time with the kidlets. I have realised he needs time to wind down at the pc and I try to not resent it (very difficult)

The problem wasn't the gaming it was the lack of help and attention I was getting that was the problem so you need to tackle the issue by saying what you need - my dh accusses me of expecting too much as I want him to know what needs to be done and do it (in my time) - whereas he is happy to do what I ask him to in his own time. I have to accept his limitations and make sure I communicate.

What I really want to do of course destroy everquest but that ain't gonna happen - I still worry about the example he is going to be setting the kids as they get older but that is going to be a longer battle... good luck

suburbanjellybrain · 26/11/2006 21:27

very badly typed post - apologies

ilovecaboose · 26/11/2006 21:31

throughout our relationship dp's computer consoles and pc have come first

At the moment its WoW online. He plays for hours and gets to bed late and then can't get up etc.

He is better than he used to be. I told him I basically couldn't take it anymore (big screaming hissy fit probably not the way to go) but he has improved. I did make it clear though that I wasn't asking him not to play the games, but to have a limit, say 2 hours every evening once ds had gone to bed.

He rarely sticks to it, but things have improved in that on his days off he will look after ds, or complete a list of jobs I need done (though usually just before or after I come home).

Hissy fit not the way to do it, but it did bring home to him how badly this was affecting me.

HTH

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