Thinking about leaving DP...

[NameChanged150]

Just that really. He is a brilliant Dad to our 3 children but we had been split up quite a while then decided to give it another go and had another baby who is now 1month. I feel like I miss my life before we got back together.

He hasn't done anything wrong and is very supportive and loving. I love him very much and I know this doesn't make sense but I think I mistook loving him with wanting to be with him. It might just be emotions with the new baby and it would be a massive upheaval for our 6yr old considering we've only just moved back in.

Should I give it more time? Or do I tell him how I feel?

[googoodolly]

Have you still got a lot of resentment for what happened in the past, OP? What do you mean by not a good person?

[NameChanged150]

I don't think I'm resentful because I truly feel he is sorry and anyone can see he has grown up a lot, he's like a different person he really is. I'm constantly told how great he his and how lucky I am and I do think I'm lucky my children have him as their Dad.

A long time ago he did recreational drugs on weekends and cheated on me a lot but in a very immature way like him and his friends had a postcode rule of cheating where they wouldn't in the same postcode area they lived and they'd actually have clicker counter things for a night out for girls they kissed and if one of them kissed someone the others had to down a shot its totally ridiculous to be honest but I was 18, he was 25 and I thought he loves he's just being a lad. Then I grew up and had two children and thought me and our children could do better and we moved out.

He then steadily changed his life he replaced drugs with sport, got new friends who are all married and have a totally different mentality, runs a business and now his habits have totally changed he never wants to go out or if he does he comes home early, he always wants to take me out and do things together, he does so much stuff with dcs. He spends so much quality time with them and was amazing during pregnancy and birth whereas he wasn't even there for firstborn.

I'm not drip feeding I wasn't going to say because it's unfair on him and don't want him to be judged by his past behaviour when he's nothing like that now.

[wickedlazy]

OP he treated you horribly!

Was he still cheating when second dc was born?

[wickedlazy]

I'll judge him on his past behaviour. He was a prick, and the man you live with now is not the lad you fell in love with.

When was the last time you felt desire for him? You have a one month old so within the last year? Do you only regret involving another innocent, or the sex too?

[summerwinterton]

I think your gut instinct is right and you should get rid. He sounds awful.

[Smilingforth]

there is a lot of stuff from the past. I would consider counselling to get to the bottom of why it's effecting you now and see if you can get over it.

[MagicalMrsMistoffelees]

I don't think he sounds awful. He sounded awful in the past but has clearly grown up a great deal and sorted out his priorities. He now sees his role as husband and father as the most important thing in his life and puts his family first. People can and do change as they mature and it's fantastic, particularly for your children, that he has.

However, the fact is, no matter how amazing he is now, he has treated you extremely badly in the past. I wouldn't blame you at all if you found it too hard to move past. And I don't think you should beat yourself up for trying again and having another baby because you were right to try for the sake of your family.

Objectively you can see he's changed, that he's a good partner / dad now and that you know you should be glad. Perhaps if you met him now you could be happy. But he's been pretty crappy in the past and it's no surprise to me that it's killed your love and respect for him. You definitely don't have to force yourself to make it work, even for the children.

[googoodolly]

I think if you trusted him enough to have another baby with him, you gave him the impression the past was forgotten, so I think you could at least go to counselling with him for a while before making a decision.

[NameChanged150]

He is nothing like that now he's a really good person and I don't want to punish him for the past when I've forgiven him. I don't think his past effects me now I think it's just I've confused being proud of him and happy for him and caring about him with wanting to be with him.

[NameChanged150]

I'd love to click my fingers and be madly in love with him. I hate that I'm messing him around and he has no idea. I don't see how I could try couselling because if we went together I'd have to say that I don't feel like I want to be with him.

[fuzzywuzzy]

Maybe you should have counselling by yourself?

I wouldn't make any decisions rashly right now.

How would you feel if you split up and he decided to be completely separate from you having the children half the time but not mutually like he did last time?

If you don't want to be with him then fair enough. But I your undecided I would really wait till you're out of the post partum haze.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Oh dear, you're in a mess, aren't you.
I agree you shouldn't have got back together with him from what you're saying now - but you did. and now you have to deal with where you are at this point in time, and your children too.

With a 1mo baby, a lot of what you're experiencing could be related to the post-baby situation - the sleeplessness, the general lack of libido, etc. BUT then again it might not be.

So my first piece of advice would be to wait until your baby is a few months old, if you can stand it, and see if you feel the same way then. YOu might not.

In the meantime, plan how you would escape if you still feel you need to - get your money and paperwork together, ready to just "pick up and leave" when the time is right. Look for where you might go (or where he might go if he leaves the home). Talk to a solicitor about your options.

And then, after a few months, if you still feel the same as you do now, then have an honest talk to your DP and explain how you feel and why you can't carry on living a lie. But this time, whatever decision you make, I think you should probably stick to it because it's really not fair on your DC to keep vacillating back and forth. :(

[Zanymummy]

Please don't take this the wrong way but was it the bad boy in him that attracted you before and now he is a reformed dedicated family man now(from reading your posts) the nice guy doesn't do it for you as a he is now a little tame/boring in comparison?

[queenofthishouse]

first of all could this be PND?

Secondly if not - when it's gone it's gone. When I was pregnant with dd1 my ex treated me appallingly I think it killed how I felt about him. When I had dd he changed but it was too late and I spent two years starting to slowly dispise him and dreaming of being with some one else - anyone that wasn't him!

Give your self a few months to get your head together and do what's right for you. Don't stick it out just for the sake of the kids that's when stuff starts getting poisonous .

[Wando]

I was thinking of queeninthehouse's post about PND. Please see your GP if you have any concerns over this.

[NameChanged150]

I do find him boring but not because he behaves himself it's because other than our children we don't have a lot in common. When we first got together we had a lot in common but now we've both grown up differently but it's difficult to describe.

I know my emotions are off at the moment so I'll try and leave it for now.

[wickedlazy]

Give it x (up to you how long) number of weeks to see if you're feelings change. If they, don't stay with someone you don't love, to prove that you can forgive, or for the sake of your children.

[Wando]

I think the issues lay in the past. I think you should consider seeing a counsellor if thats possible.

[NameChanged150]

Now that I've let myself think about leaving him I'm finding it really hard to act normal. There's no way I can could see a counsellor privately so unfortunately that isn't really an option for me.

I talked to my Mum and sister about it this morning but my Mum things I'm being silly. This is such a mess but I will do as most people have suggested and try my best to stick it out for a while.

[Wando]

Was your sister more sympathetic? If so try talking with her again. Tell him clearly you need her support.

[NameChanged150]

My sister just doesn't know she thinks I need to give it a bit more time she was pretty much the only person who didn't think I should have gone back to him. Not because she doesn't like him just because she thought I was being clouded by wanting a perfect family and now I think I was. My Mum keeps saying I don't want to be a single Mum again and to remember how hard it was etc.

[wickedlazy]

Better to be a single mum, than living with a man you have no real feelings for, who you don't want to touch you. If you know you were happier when you were apart, you know. You deserve more than that. The children will one day pick up on how you feel towards him, and that has it's own problems. You can either try to change how you feel, or accept your feelings, and do what your gut tells you. Do you feel ambivilant about the thought of him leaving you or with another woman?

[MagicalMrsMistoffelees]

You were young when you met and started a family. People change enormously in their twenties (and beyond!). If I had married the boyfriend I had at 17 or the ones I had at 20, 22 or 24 then I would have divorced them all! I thought I loved them each at the time. Perhaps I did.

Successful couples grow together. Others grow apart as they discover they have less and less in common. C'est la vie.

Would it be possible to do this: have an honest discussion about how you're feeling and that you want to split. However, you'll stay living together (but separated) til the baby is one so you can support each other through this important first year. I have friends who did this and it worked for them. I think if you keep pretending in the name of 'trying' you'll end up hating and resenting him.

[wickedlazy]

There is no such thing as a perfect family. Just what works for your family. My mum and dad seperated years ago but they're both still my family. And are both much happier apart. Dp and I broke up, but the love was still there so we gave it another go. Have you broached any of this with him?

[NameChanged150]

When I was pregnant I asked him if he thought we were better off as friends and parents than together and he got really upset by it, he said he'd try harder actually. I ended up saying it was my hormones and nothing to do with him.

I think I'd be happier apart and I think he would be in the end because he'd meet someone who appreciated all he does instead of groan at having to spend time with him. Our dcs would be OK the only issue is that our eldest was happy when we didn't live with his Dad but now he's got used to being here and I think us moving out again would be unsettling at least at first. We would be the ones moving because my previous home is being rented out because we couldn't sell it quickly enough when I'd agreed to move here.