Thinking about leaving DP...

[NameChanged150]

Just that really. He is a brilliant Dad to our 3 children but we had been split up quite a while then decided to give it another go and had another baby who is now 1month. I feel like I miss my life before we got back together.

He hasn't done anything wrong and is very supportive and loving. I love him very much and I know this doesn't make sense but I think I mistook loving him with wanting to be with him. It might just be emotions with the new baby and it would be a massive upheaval for our 6yr old considering we've only just moved back in.

Should I give it more time? Or do I tell him how I feel?

[NameChanged150]

The tenants in my house have moved out this week so I'm going to try and get moved in this weekend/next week. DP understandably doesn't want to help with move but said he'll take DC and that's very helpful tbh. It frees up my family and friends to help with move.

I just wanted to thank everyone for offering their opinions and advice.

[Fromparistoberlin73]

if you did not feel bad you would be abnormal.

Its one hell of a pickle- but the simple fact is you would get more and more miserable as time progressed.

and as guilty as you feel, you have a new baby DD and even though it might have broken his heart to reconcile and then split again- a new wonderful life came out of it

ah bless- I want to split up with my DP but am too scared (he is a cunt) so this is enlightening how sensible your ex is taking it

[pocketsaviour]

You are not heartless at all. You're doing a hard thing because it's the right thing.

It sounds like from what he said to your DS that perhaps he knows deep down this is for the best?

Far better for you to split now and remain amicable for the kids' sake than to stay together until you end up miserable and hating each other.

[NameChanged150]

I don't feel brave I feel heartless.

[Fromparistoberlin73]

you have done the brave thing OP- just to say

I am in awe actually- as its sounds harrowingly hard

he deserves someone that loves him- as you deserve happiness

[NameChanged150]

He owns this house we're in and I own the other house that currently has tenants in so I gave them their 2 months notice on Monday. I never thought to let them know they can leave early so I'll do that.

He came back last night and was civil to me but was fussing over DC then he went back to his Mum's. I had wanted for us to talk to DC together at some point but then DS asked him why he wasn't staying here and he said because it's better when me and Mummy are just friends and our poor boy asked if we were best friends it was awful but DP said yes of course then he left.

I'm sorry to go on it's just so difficult.

[MakeItACider]

Oh you poor thing, how incredibly difficult this must have all been for you.


First things first, the practical things. Now that you've given your tenants notice, let them know that if they find something else quickly they can end their agreement earlier - sometimes another place is vacant and ready to move in. That may work in their favour and be helpful for you.

If you can, let your DP continue to stay at his mums. You really want to avoid staying with your mum because you already know she won't be supportive, and thats the last thing you need.

Don't feel guilty. There's a lot of very nice, likeable men out there. It doesn't mean you have to be with them. You've been very strong and brave, and more importantly, honest. That is a GOOD thing, don't let anyone persuade you otherwise.

[pocketsaviour]

The house you're living in now, is it rented, or does he own it?

How long til your tenants move out?

[Jux]

Don't do anything immediately. Let the dust settle, and see how things go. Don't commit to anything, don't make any promises. Now you need time. That goes for both of you.

[NameChanged150]

I spoke to him last night and it was horrible but I just felt like I couldn't pretend I feel differently. I know my hormones might be running high but if I'm being totally honest with myself I didn't want him to begin with and I haven't for a long time. I wanted a perfect family of Mum, Dad and our children and he is such a good Dad that I thought I could adapt and accept it but I can't.

I explained all of this to him and he was upset not angry. He went and stayed at his Mum's house last night so I texted him this morning asking if he's OK and he said no. I don't know what I was expecting but I'm wondering what to do now.

Should I suggest me and the kids stay at my parents house or do I wait and see what he wants?

[Jux]

I think you're being pretty sensible. You're not in love with him, and staying with him would be cheating both of you, and the children. Without honesty and trust there is no relationship, so be as honest with him as you can (when you tell him); that way he may see a way to trusting you as a co-parent and you can both carve out individual lives as well as a shared-parenting life iyswim.

You made a mistake. You have tried, but it won't work. It is sad, very sad, but you both deserve better.

[BeeRayKay]

hugs I think its time you spoke with him.

[NameChanged150]

Just thought I'd let you know I've given the tenants who are currently in my house notice so that when I tell him I can move straight out.

I did this yesterday because I really can't do this I just can't.

[NameChanged150]

When I was pregnant I asked him if he thought we were better off as friends and parents than together and he got really upset by it, he said he'd try harder actually. I ended up saying it was my hormones and nothing to do with him.

I think I'd be happier apart and I think he would be in the end because he'd meet someone who appreciated all he does instead of groan at having to spend time with him. Our dcs would be OK the only issue is that our eldest was happy when we didn't live with his Dad but now he's got used to being here and I think us moving out again would be unsettling at least at first. We would be the ones moving because my previous home is being rented out because we couldn't sell it quickly enough when I'd agreed to move here.

[wickedlazy]

There is no such thing as a perfect family. Just what works for your family. My mum and dad seperated years ago but they're both still my family. And are both much happier apart. Dp and I broke up, but the love was still there so we gave it another go. Have you broached any of this with him?

[MagicalMrsMistoffelees]

You were young when you met and started a family. People change enormously in their twenties (and beyond!). If I had married the boyfriend I had at 17 or the ones I had at 20, 22 or 24 then I would have divorced them all! I thought I loved them each at the time. Perhaps I did.

Successful couples grow together. Others grow apart as they discover they have less and less in common. C'est la vie.

Would it be possible to do this: have an honest discussion about how you're feeling and that you want to split. However, you'll stay living together (but separated) til the baby is one so you can support each other through this important first year. I have friends who did this and it worked for them. I think if you keep pretending in the name of 'trying' you'll end up hating and resenting him.

[wickedlazy]

Better to be a single mum, than living with a man you have no real feelings for, who you don't want to touch you. If you know you were happier when you were apart, you know. You deserve more than that. The children will one day pick up on how you feel towards him, and that has it's own problems. You can either try to change how you feel, or accept your feelings, and do what your gut tells you. Do you feel ambivilant about the thought of him leaving you or with another woman?

[NameChanged150]

My sister just doesn't know she thinks I need to give it a bit more time she was pretty much the only person who didn't think I should have gone back to him. Not because she doesn't like him just because she thought I was being clouded by wanting a perfect family and now I think I was. My Mum keeps saying I don't want to be a single Mum again and to remember how hard it was etc.

[Wando]

Was your sister more sympathetic? If so try talking with her again. Tell him clearly you need her support.

[NameChanged150]

Now that I've let myself think about leaving him I'm finding it really hard to act normal. There's no way I can could see a counsellor privately so unfortunately that isn't really an option for me.

I talked to my Mum and sister about it this morning but my Mum things I'm being silly. This is such a mess but I will do as most people have suggested and try my best to stick it out for a while.

[Wando]

I think the issues lay in the past. I think you should consider seeing a counsellor if thats possible.

[wickedlazy]

Give it x (up to you how long) number of weeks to see if you're feelings change. If they, don't stay with someone you don't love, to prove that you can forgive, or for the sake of your children.

[NameChanged150]

I do find him boring but not because he behaves himself it's because other than our children we don't have a lot in common. When we first got together we had a lot in common but now we've both grown up differently but it's difficult to describe.

I know my emotions are off at the moment so I'll try and leave it for now.

[Wando]

I was thinking of queeninthehouse's post about PND. Please see your GP if you have any concerns over this.

[queenofthishouse]

first of all could this be PND?

Secondly if not - when it's gone it's gone. When I was pregnant with dd1 my ex treated me appallingly I think it killed how I felt about him. When I had dd he changed but it was too late and I spent two years starting to slowly dispise him and dreaming of being with some one else - anyone that wasn't him!

Give your self a few months to get your head together and do what's right for you. Don't stick it out just for the sake of the kids that's when stuff starts getting poisonous .