Aibu to ask for help again

[Monkeybabies111]

My relationship is really at breaking point along with my life.
I'm currently awaiting help for my mood being low but I need to know if I'm as crazy I feel or if my point is valid as I really don't know anything right now.
Dp is upset with me for asking again for help in the middle of the night, I've been asking for 2 months if he could just get the dc 1 baby and 1 with sn neither sleep.
He only works a few hours in the evenings but says it's my job to get up and deal with the them at night currently not getting more than 2 hours sleep at a time but it's also my job to deal with them during the day although he is around and does the food so does do things but in 6 months he never once took both kids out.
Aibu to think this isn't right- I really don't know at the moment and I know the kids deserve better than me I keep trying but I don't know if I can ask for help from anyone again as I'm paranoid about annoying people (sorry If I annoy anyone here)

Oh please don't worry people will get annoyed at you asking for help :(

No, it's not right, and its not bloody fair.

Have you told your dp just how knackered you are? If so, he's a prize twat, and is showing no regard for your health or well being.

I'm glad you're getting some help with your low mood, but if he just worked with you, and helped, you'd be much better off.

Has he got any good points?

He is afraid of not coping, he always says he doesn't know where to take them or what to do with them, I normally take them shopping he says it's easier as I get the bus so ds is contained be whole time rather than him taking a car then trying to get them out into a trolley.
I have taking them to the park but I use a sling so it's easier for me to be hands free and he's not comfortable using it.
I have offered to do all the cooking while he takes the kids out but I'm always met with its to hard but I will try it again tonight.
We have work men in the house from 8-5 today so I'd rather not try and get into that conversation when I'm already stressed about them being here today.

Good points
He does the nursery run
He cooks
He is normally great but the last few months have strained our relationship because I've not been able to bring my mood up so I cry alot at anything.
My pregnancy was very hard in the end with frequent admissions and in that time he did all the childcare for ds while working so he knows and I know he can be great.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture as your dh will rapidly discover if he's left to look after his dc for a couple of nights.

It's no wonder your mood is 'low' and it's a miracle that you've been able to struggle on for so long without giving the selfish twat both barrels.

If he's not willing to change his ways, I suggest you leave him in charge of the dc for a weekend and check into a hotel/stay with friends/family in order to catch up on much needed zzzz's.

I would also suggest that you report your post and ask for this thread to be moved to the Relationships board.

That excuse about taking them out in the car is unbelievably weak. If he really thinks going by bus is easier, why doesn't he try it?

I second moving to relationships board.

Also I think he's a selfish twat full of it! He'd cope if he had to and the only way he'll learn to cope is by getting off his backside and doing it!!

Nursery run and cooks! All of 3 hours per day, plus a few hours at work? How does that compare to how many hours you do?

He could:

Go do the grocery shop alone
Do the dishes
Laundry
Hoover and dust
Administration of your budget, bills etc
Put rubbish out
Do morning dressing kids etc

I wonder if you'd have less to do without him there!

We tried him being away and it was less stressful but I still struggled a lot and he wants to stay here as its his house to.
I will take that list and ask him to pick things on it to do as housework in general is a whole other area I just need him to help with the kids the rest isn't important right now those things can wait.
He knows how exhausted I am be knows I was thinking about taking a bunch of pills just to sleep (I know that sounds really stupid but I really want to sleep) if I wasn't breastfeeding I would have that's what stopped me and I know that's selfish. I've cried and begged him I feel like I don't deserve help because if he doesn't want to help then maybe that's how it's meant to be but then I feel desperate and ask again which makes me feel worse.
Sorry that probably makes no sense he's on the couch while I feed dd and ds is keeping me fully awake by jumping on my bed atm I'm so tired right now.

Oh OP you poor soul. Of course he should be doing his bit and sharing the burden of the sleepless nights and childcare. It's cruel and totally self serving of him not to. I honestly don't know how can be so blatantly and unreasonably selfish and still look you in the eye!

And the car excuse just illustrates perfectly where he's at. Clutching at straws. He'll do or say any old shit to get out of upholding his parenting responsibilities and heaping the lot on to you.
Like a pp said - if shopping is such a jolly breeze on the bus, he's welcome to use it too.

Oh this sort of thing pushes my buttons. Where do these lazy bastards get off opting out of the stuff the can't be bothered with and letting their spouses carry their weight? What a wanker.

Exactly what pictish said. He is a monumentally selfish wanker. Think hard about whether you really want him around. If he did go I wonder if your mood would improve too.

Don't make any major decision while you are exhausted.
I think you need to sleep more than anything and YANBU to expect a couple of nights where you get to (try to) sleep without nterruption.

He didn't change overnight. Why did you have 1, never mind 2 children? Why don't either of you workExcept for a few hours+

Unhappyuser - any useful advice? Or just the usual cliches?

OP, they are his children and being afraid to take them out is his problem. He could build up to longer trips. Why doesn't he start small, 30mins walk or to the park then further afield when he's more confident. After all, you manage all day every day and he's not at work all day so should be giving you time off to catch up on sleep/rest. Sleep is an absolute must to cope properly and it's not some luxury that you are foregoing, it's a basic need.

My DH is out of the house 6am-6pm but he would get up in an instant with no qualms if I asked. I'm not trying to gloat but prove that working isn't an excuse to opt out. Having kids is a 24 hour job for both parents,it's a team effort, you are entitled to help and shouldn't have to ask, he's meant to be your rock. He needs a kick up the arse - or a firm talking to at least.

Why not give him some choices - either get up in the night or Monday-Friday take them 10 - 12 for you to have a nap. Or ask him if you'd like to apply for home start etc, would he prefer to take external help because he's a lazy opt out selfish womble? It might make him sit up and take notice of how the situation really is. Maybe as you keep going he thinks you are actually managing, make it clear something HAS to change.

Good luck OP

I hate it when my oh says "oh I don't know what I'm doing with the baby". It's a cop out and an unreasonable excuse! He'll never become confident if he doesn't do it.

You're both equally responsible for your children. In our house my oh works 3 days a week (15 hour shifts) so I don't expect him to get up with the baby those days. When I go back to work next month and have to be up at 5am he will help more.

I breastfeed too and some men use it as an excuse not to do anything! Could you take the one your breastfeeding to a friends/family members house with you? And leave him for a couple of nights with the older one? I think your low mood would improve with some help and some sleep. If he doesn't change his ways it's not going to work. You need to be firm with him and clearly outline what you expect from him. Working only a few hours in the evening does not absolve him from parenting duties

Just reread your post - 4.30am - you're feeding the baby, DS is jumping on the bed and he's sleeping on the couch?!

He should be resettling ds. Tucking him in bed, telling him that mummy needs peace, reading him a story, giving him a cup of warm milk, anything at all, sitting watching Mr tumble until he falls asleep again, just anything.

When you are all up and dressed and fed, get their coats on and get the three of them out the door - he needs to step up. Agree with PP who said that there are no excuses. I hope you're ok OP.

Poor you. Things sound terribly difficult .

I don't have any advice for the complexities of your relationship but it looks like others do. The small point I want to pick up on is your DS's behaviour at 4AM. I wonder how much your tiredness could be mitigated by some behaviour management at nights. Could you try a new rule? DS sleeps in his own bed, all night. He's not allowed to come into your bed, not allowed to play etc. When he cries, you go in, give him a hug, tuck him up and leave him to get on with it. He will eventually realise that the days of jumping on your bed in the middle of the night are over. He will stop bothering to wake up if nothing interesting is happening.

wow he really has an excuse for everything! Of course he doesn't know what to do with the kids if he never tries - does he think he will magically know one day?
He can take the bus as well if it's easier to do shopping this way (as if!)
Of course he's not comfortable using a sling if he has never tried.
So no, you're not unreasonable, he really has to get his head out of his arse.

Poor you.

Do you want him to leave? It doesn't matter if he wants to stay "because it's his house too". If the relationship is over, he needs to move out. Get advice on your legal position from cab or a solicitor that offers the first half hour free. I think quite a few do that. Maybe other pp's will have more knowledge and can verify that. Get copies of all your (and his) documents - passports, wage slips etc in case he takes them later.

In the meantime, do whatever you need to do to get some sleep. That is your no 1 priority. Walk out of the house and leave him to it if you need to.

He stepped up to the plate when you were in hospital. He can do it but you will have to force him.

I've been reading and taking on board everything everyone's saying.

I do want us to work it out as we were great before but there's been a lot of stress factors this year for both of us and Then add on my mood and some panic attacks it's no wonder everything not good now.

I think most of you are right in the sense I will need to force him I've managed to get him to take dd to the shops (ds is at nursery all morning) as the banging from the workmen taking down our bathroom ceiling was upsetting her so I'm lying on the couch not sleeping just thinking.
I just want the old him back and extra help as I'm struggling to help myself as I feel so drained, I don't think apart from the workmen and Samaritans I've actually verbally spoken to anyone else since last week as everything no matter how small feels hard right now.
He has been struggling and he's had a bit of a temper with his words recently and I have told him he needs to seek help for it but he always finds something that stops him going to the Drs.
Right now my main goals is to keep the kids ok and make sure they don't hear us talking as I refuse to engage in any disagreements in front of them and he knows that so I find it hard to find time to fully get his attention as dd is a Velcro baby and ds needs constant supervision he is to dangerous to be left alone even in another room right now but we are waiting to see what help he can get to help him sleep and calm down.

Hi there,

Thanks to everyone who's offered advice and support so far. We're going to move this thread over to Relationships now, at the OP's request.

for you, Monkeybabies111. We really hope things start looking up soon.

Thankyou dawn.

You desperately need sleep. All your feelings of not being able to cope are because you are not getting any sleep. If you are up all night with them, then he needs to give you a good chunk of time in the day to go to bed and catch up on your sleep. I would suggest 5 hours minimum.

Can you cancel the workmen so that you can have peace and quiet for this? If not, is there a relative's house you could go to for sleep? You will be amazed at how much better you will feel after a week of proper sleep and then you will have the energy to tackle all the other issues. But your priority for now is to GET SOME SLEEP. Make the selfish bastard GIVE YOU SOME SLEEP. Repeat these sentences to him every 10 minutes until he complies.

He was only away for 30 minutes dd was grumpy still I think it may have been teething but she's had calpol a feed and is napping.
The work men are only doing half the job as I forgot to empty the bedroom so will be back another day so they can tear down that ceiling and replace- another thing I've done wrong.

I keep asking for time to sleep I really do and I now don't know if I'm asking to much that I've annoyed him so the point he doesn't want to help or he really must be struggling to not see it.
I'm going out with dd this afternoon to a bf group it's the only time out the house I really get that isn't an essential trip he counts that as my time away from home.

He thinks as I'm here if he need to pop out it's easier for him to go alone as it's faster, if I ask him to take the out he says there's no where to take them. He's been saying all I do is cry when he says no (I have been) so I need to stop complaining and maybe he will help but in bringing him down with this- this is why I'm now thinking I'm overreacting to it all if I did better we would be better I just don't see how- I feel like him and the kids would be happier without me if all I'm doing is bringing them down I just want to feel a little bit normal again.

Please ignore my typos I'm half asleep typing sorry.