I suppose it's a question re old 'head vs heart' dilemma, or head vs lust for that matter. Sorry it's going to be long and going round in circles, but I feel I need to get to grips with either the need to change myself, or to stick to my ideals (but are they as important as I think).
I've been single for a few years now and for a while been really keen to meet someone as while it's nice being free and single, I had enough of it now, I also feel I've learned a lot and would be a better partner to someone than previously (used to be too demanding of attention/emotionally, still not perfect but much better).
Anyway so for the last few years a few men that I could see myself with were not single - some showed interest in me but I wasn't going to get involved with a married man. I have quite a clear picture in my head as to what my OH should be, and hat includes not just personality but also compatibility on a social/intelligence level - and that is my current problem.
For the first time in ages someone got really interested in me (at least the signs are there that he is genuinely into me) who is free. He is separated and lived apart from the ex for two years, they will be divorcing once the house sells.
Anyway I do like him a lot. Firstly I really fancy him, and hat hasn't happened for a while with others. Secondly I like the fact he noticed me first and then has built up our contact and initiated helping me (met through work related activity) and just been openly interested and no games etc, but also respectful even though after I first invited him in on friendly basis he got a bit enthusiastic with texts and a little too ken - but that calmed down and is ok now. I also like that we share a strong interest related to work which is for both of us is quite a passion, not just work. He's also my age - again recent years it was interest from much older or younger guys (online and in rl).
We've moved on quite a bit after a few friendly meet-ups, and it's getting very steamy now (but I'm just managing to resist the actual DTD). I feel like once I go there, I'll really get involved and even fall for him but based on amazing physical compatibility. And the fact he likes me a lot generally. He told me jokingly I'm his perfect match and a future mrs, but then said I'm just joking when he saw my jaw dropping (this was back a few dates). We've been out too and he tends to treat me and take me out when we both have time, so it's not just the kissing. Last two dates were mainly us nearly having sex.
So what's the problem? He's not my 'picture' that's been in my head building up while I was single and not even the type I ve ever got involved with before - and I'm not sure whether it's silly to stick to one, or is it actually wise. Basically it's a difference in lifestyle, habits and education. I'm not from an elite class by any means but I've put a lot of time and effort into education on my favourite subject and I also an from an academic family so I've read a lot as a child. I like articulate men - he isn't! My exH was vey similar to me in tastes and was very articulate but the irony - we were not a good match sexually at all. He's intelligent but in a limited way - e.g. it's not much use voicing any concerns or hinting or using a metaphor even when it comes to our budding relationship - he doesn't get it or just ignores what I say and sort of goes on to something else. He's generally very unexpressive and I like hearing a man talk a bit of his feeling to me. But he is practically helpful. I'm just not feeling the strong romantic element myself. He does seem a genuine and warm hearted guy though I don't really know him yet - but judging from what he's like at work and with people generally. He already tried to introduce me to his friends on a second date - and told me he felt like boasting to then about me. I did say let's slow down - so he did listen but did introduce me t a few without warning so to speak. think this is lack of experience/intelligence, he's in his 40s!
Then it's his habits - he eats quite a lot of unhealthy food, his work is partly physical so I know he wants chips and sugary stuff but when I talked about it being concerned for his health. he is just dismissive ion a good natured way. I'm used to be quite fussy and with all the exes went to restaurants/cafes, he's a lot of beer in a pub man. I'm not at all saying it's wrong -he's a great guy in many ways, but he's not someone who would just change if someone told him to, not subservient, and I feel like I would hae to fall in with his habits more, especially as his social life is entirely centred around the pub and I'm new to the area so will be going along. Otoh I admire how he is part of a community (something I haven't seen much as I'm from london) and is liked and feels confident there etc.
His taste in entertainment/cultural stuff again are different (though we both like music).
Basically I'd love a friend like this, so it's not being snobbish. But in this case I happen to really fancy him (and he fancies me of course as he chased me) and it's very hard to resist and just stay friends. But the point I really really want an LTR so I don't want a fling (I can't do casual sex now or fwb) and I have to switch my head on before getting involved. I ve decided last time I saw him that I will be firm and kissing is as far it goes, but I already got carried away and got more involved the next time and pretty much having sex.
I also realise I've been feeling very lonely lately and such attention and attraction from an available guy is hard to resist. I feel like stopping it now is not quite justified, like my reasons sound feeble? BUt when I really step back and not see him for a few days, I think it's obvious that we are not going to work long term as breaking life time habits is so hard. But maybe I should completely open my mind? Or am I right to think that it's unrealistic for either of us to change and both are actually comfortable with their choices/tastes! But then I think - what of all the exes or dates I've been that hadn't led to anything lasting so far for all the other reasons (not a nice person, attraction not strong enough) that this guy has?
The problem is also a complete lack of decent single guys of the cultured sort of type that I like, it's this sort of age, the ones out there are invariably much older, plus I'm not perfect by far and those single wouldn't be jumping to get together with me necessarily. Even though a number of men still notice me, I'm not in a stable group where I meet many people so something can build up. It's hard. And I need my OH to be a good reliable person, and this guy is likely to be that. I just don't know - I wish I could take it much slower but whether knowingly or not he got me really going physically now and I feel pushed to make a decision soon one way or the other. Maybe he is more clever than I think in the sense of influencing someone - I thought the way he sounded confident that I was his match was a bit cocky but what if he is actually right.
Whoever had the patience to read - you are a saint!