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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me

63 replies

handfulofcottonbuds · 21/08/2015 22:18

Some of you may know my story. I can't believe I'm posting again for advice.

I need help please.

I finally divorced my cheating exH but I am still in limbo 2 years on. My house sale is about to fall through and those who know me, know how much it means for me to move out and start again. I was NC with my exH for 18 months through the divorce but now I have to be in contact with him through the house sale. This is so hard and I am slowly losing my dignity.

My exH says that as 2 years have passed, my 'difficulties' in selling our house have nothing to do with him.

I've found out that everything he is doing with OW is what we used to do and it hurts so much. Why??

Why is he re-creating our 11 years with her and she has no idea that it was the life we lived?

My family have all but given up on me. I drink too much (so hard to write that down) but I need to sleep.

2 years on - please, please tell me it will be okay. I try to help so many women on here but right now - I'm struggling and am ashamed for that.

I'm so tired. Please help me x

OP posts:
Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 21/08/2015 22:23

Sorry, don't want to drip feed for those who don't know:

My exH left me after I lost 2 of our little ones, OW understood his grief apparently.

I also lost 2 other babies in the family

I have been dating and felt content and strong at the time but am taking a break as I don't feel confident enough right now.

I have tried everything to get my strength back but I am so tired now.

I've lost some long term friends who I found out were also having affairs and much as I tried not to judge, I was the reminder that what they were doing was wrong as they saw my pain.

I feel so alone

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/08/2015 22:25

Hey. Put the Wine down for a minute. Come sit by me.

Minime85 · 21/08/2015 22:25

I don't think j can be much use but I'm sure the lovely people of mumsnet who are more eloquent then I will be along very soon with lots of advice. I can offer you hugs and empathy and compassion. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It will come right. It may seem like the lowest ebb but it will, you will get there. FlowersCake

manandbeast · 21/08/2015 22:26

Hi Cotton,
I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. You will get over this, you'll find strength, another buyer if needed.

Take each day as it comes.

I don't know your story but I'm here if you want to keep talking

Flowers
NealCaffreysHat · 21/08/2015 22:27

I second AF, go make a coffee and sit with us for a minute. We are here.

Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 21/08/2015 22:28

AF - how did you know?

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 21/08/2015 22:28

I don't know your back story but it sounds like you have been through so much, no wonder you are struggling.

Can you talk to your doctor? it might help if you can talk this out with someone and your dr can refer you for counselling.

I totally understand re the alcohol but it is probably making you feel worse. If your sleep is suffering, maybe talk to your gp about some sleeping tablets, or ads.

Flowers
Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 21/08/2015 22:30

I'm lost - I need to get out of this house.

My family have had enough, I try so hard to pick myself up every time but I don't know why I never get anything positive back.

My family just say that there are worst people off than me and most have now held back from supporting me. I have done nothing wrong and I feel so lonely.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/08/2015 22:32

There is always someone worse off than everybody

You are allowed to feel shit.

NealCaffreysHat · 21/08/2015 22:32

The first thing that is good is that you know you are drinking too much. I did this when my marriage broke down. I was using I as an excuse not to feel anything, I kept my day busy with work and my early evening filled with cooking dinner for the dc. When they were in bed I would open a bottle.

Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 21/08/2015 22:34

Lem - I've been on ADs since I found out about my exH affair, they help but now I am ashamed to say alcohol helps me sleep.

My GP is so supportive. On top of it all, I have been bullied by my boss for 18 months - I put in a formal complaint but nothing has been done. I'm talking physical and mental bullying.

What have I done to deserve this?

Who can I turn to and why can't I have something that goes right? I try so hard to stay positive.

OP posts:
NealCaffreysHat · 21/08/2015 22:36

AF us as always right. You are allowed to feel shit, angry, bitter or however you actually feel. You thought your life was going to go a certain way and it didn't through no fault of your own. Of course you are allowed to be royally fucked off about it. Coming from a similar perspective my drinking caused more harm than good.

NealCaffreysHat · 21/08/2015 22:39

Sorry crossed post about work. I would seriously consider getting signed off, if that I feasible. Look for another job. It I not normal to feel bullied at work. If it is physical then keep a log. There are many wise MNers on here to help.

AnyFucker · 21/08/2015 22:41

That is terrible about your boss. You must feel so trapped. Are you in a union or tried contacting ACAS ?

stepsharp · 21/08/2015 22:49

cotton been with you from day one, you've been through some horrible times. I'm always pleased when I see your name on a thread, you're such a lovely poster with so much empathy for others.

Hold on a bit longer, you will get there, you will.

There will be many like me willing you on, for every one who posts, there are dozens who don't, but still recognise you.

I am helping my daughter through a very difficult break up, and strangely the second year has been worse than the first. She will get there and so will you. Next year will be better, I know it.

Lots and Lots of good wishes to you cotton.

Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 21/08/2015 22:49

No AF - I am not in a union because I can't afford the subs.

Her problem with me is because I am popular at work and do a good job but she isn't and always picks tiny details to make me look bad. Or swears or shouts at me, or pokes me. I'm a confident person but I'm a mess from this and I have no support.

Everything goes against me - my exH is living our life with OW and I'm alone and things are getting on top of me. I need a break, desperately.

My family think I'm an alcoholic - I don't know if I am. They are leaving me, what have I got left?

OP posts:
NealCaffreysHat · 21/08/2015 22:50

In answer to your question you have done nothing to deserve this. You need to try as hard as it may seem (mainly to people telling you can't) assert yourself. Your ex cannot dictate your life anymore, your boss is not and I mean NOT allowed to touch or speak to you in an intimadating manner.

Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 21/08/2015 22:50

stepsharp - have you name changed?

Your post has made me emotional x

I'm so ashamed to admit my failings

OP posts:
NealCaffreysHat · 21/08/2015 22:53

What reasons are you family giving fir leaving you? If it I to do with your drinking, do you think if you told them you were getting help they would support you?

Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 21/08/2015 22:54

Neal - she has and I felt strong in my official complaint but it has been left. Honestly, I have even been poked by her. Her reason? She said she wished her DH had left her and I needed to realise how lucky I was being on my own!

She has also told me not to speak to anybody at work as she expects me to just do my work.

I have no respite at home or at work.

OP posts:
Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 21/08/2015 22:58

Neal - my DS (22) was scared as I got angry one night as he wasn't helping me at all. He called my DM and it escalated from there.

They love me, I know but don't know how to deal with my hurt so it's easier to just text now and again with a 'x'

I'm ashamed of myself but I need to sleep. My GP will not give me sleeping tablets as I was taken to hospital last year by my so called friends after a night out when I broke down and had been drinking.....we'd all been drinking but as it's on my record now, I can't have tablets. I've now lost those friends.

OP posts:
NealCaffreysHat · 21/08/2015 22:59

handful I have no idea what sort of package your work offers but I would seriously consider going off sick as unable to deal with physical and emotional abuse. .

AnyFucker · 21/08/2015 23:02

It's OK to not be strong all the time.

Alcohol isn't the answer, but you know that. It's doubtful you are an alcoholic. My best friend was pissed every single day for a year after a similar devastating situation. Sometimes I got pissed with her, sometimes I didn't. She got fed up of it after a while, went teetotal and now has a normal relationship with alcohol.

It can be a temporary crutch, but it's a cruel one.

Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 21/08/2015 23:04

My GP has strongly suggested that as he is concerned for my MH.

However, I am on a warning for my sickness now as I've had the odd day here and there for migraine brought on by the stress and I am in danger of losing my job.

I'm so trapped. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
stepsharp · 21/08/2015 23:05

cotton, yes , frequent name changer.

My daughter is a heavy drinker, and I worry so much, but she is so much more than that, as are you.

Not everyone can bounce back quickly, some people need longer, but that's because their feelings are deeper and their loyalties stronger than others.

Please, don't be ashamed of you're supposed "failings", you are a good person whose having a hard time. It doesn't define you.