Please help me

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Some of you may know my story. I can't believe I'm posting again for advice.

I need help please.

I finally divorced my cheating exH but I am still in limbo 2 years on. My house sale is about to fall through and those who know me, know how much it means for me to move out and start again. I was NC with my exH for 18 months through the divorce but now I have to be in contact with him through the house sale. This is so hard and I am slowly losing my dignity.

My exH says that as 2 years have passed, my 'difficulties' in selling our house have nothing to do with him.

I've found out that everything he is doing with OW is what we used to do and it hurts so much. Why??

Why is he re-creating our 11 years with her and she has no idea that it was the life we lived?

My family have all but given up on me. I drink too much (so hard to write that down) but I need to sleep.

2 years on - please, please tell me it will be okay. I try to help so many women on here but right now - I'm struggling and am ashamed for that.

I'm so tired. Please help me x

I would go back to your GO and explain you are self medicating with alcohol as you cannot sleep. You need counselling to try and let your ex go. His life is not your life. It hurts like fuck when they move on but you will get through it.

Your ex is rather lacking in imagination, isn't he ?

Never mind him though, he can get to fuck. This is about you.

Handful, what you describe sounds very very tough and I understand that you are suffering. Sometimes though it can help to change things if you decide that you are not going to be a victim. Take control of your life! I know from personal experience that it can be really tough to achieve but it really will make you feel better if you can get to a place where you are in control and you are no longer a "victim"of your marriage. As for your nasty boss, next time she pokes you tell her to stop!

step and neal - I suppose I am defined as a 'functioning alcoholic' - at night I drink half to sometimes a bottle of wine but my DM messages me always saying I will kill myself...that also makes me drink. I just want to sleep. My GP gave me fantastic over the counter sleeping tablets but as they work so well, I can't take them weekdays as even half knocks me out for 12 hours.

how you feeling this morning, hand ?

it's yucky grey and grim here, weather wise

Selling of house, can you get estate agent or soliciter to speak to your
ex on your behalf or put anything in writing, treat it like a business transaction ?

If he still owns half the house surely you only need a signature & a bank account to move the money at the point of sale ?

or is it not that simple ?

You may be "emotionally attached" to the house, but other people will not

He is your ex, so you should stop giving him space in your head

Stop worrying what your ex is doing !

Can you join a gym or a club or start a hobby instead of drinking ?

Sorry to hear about your losses, may be some counselling would help ?

The house will sell & you will be able to start a new positive life

I remember your original thread and sorry you are struggling.

Aren't GP's fantastic? I spent an hour with mine once, sobbing my heart out. And I drank a bottle of wine every single night for many years while married and I'm absolutely fine. Not saying you should continue but don't feel so bad. I told my GP and he said he thought I was going to tell him I was drinking a bottle of Vodka a night, not wine! He told me not to worry too much but I should remember that drinking alcohol inhibits the effectiveness of the AD's. It's like trying to push a car uphill with the brake on!

Now I use meditation podcasts to help me sleep.

Sorry I can't wave a magic wand and fix your problems but I can tell you i've been through some bad times, and they don't last forever.

GPs are so under recognised. The role they play is so much wider than most think.

The fact that we have such a shortage is a massive shame

Got to be taxing your powers of endurance no wonder you are dispirited. But I remember the strength and humour of your previous threads and don't doubt that you will get through this.

Fwiw gorgeous weather here which helps but back to rain and grey skies soon.

Thank you all

I just have to keep remembering that this isn't my life - it will change. I just have times when I think of everything collectively and how much has gone wrong then I get hit with something else and it tests me again.

What I have to remember is that I dealt with each of those things and moved forward each time.

Tiredness doesn't help.

I do go to a gym but I haven't been able to for a few weeks through illness.

handfulofcottonbuds I saw this thread was yours and thought "oh no, she was doing so well".

So, how can we help you to eat your elephant in bite sizes?

I see the problems/challenges as:

1. House sale about to fall through
2. Drinking to help sleep
3. Ex has moved on and replicating your happy times/places with OW
4. Not dealing with grief re 2 miscarriages and 2 other babies in family
5. Your friendship group has changed because of THEIR affairs
6. Family are not supportive after 2 years - say there are people worse off
7. Bullied by boss at work (physical & mental) and no support from HR to resolve
8. On a warning for sickness at work (migraines)

If you can copy this post and order it into what you want to tackle first, I'll then go back through your thread and find the appropriate advice.

OR - Just give me the numberical order from above, and I'll help you figure your bite-sizes.

Thank you x

1. Drinking to help sleep
2. House sale about to fall through
3. On a warning for sickness at work it's all different things, I seem to come down with everything and I only take time off if I am really, really sick
4. Bullied by boss at work (physical & mental) and no support from HR to resolve
5. Family are not supportive after 2 years - say there are people worse off although I'm probably not being fair there, it's more that they don't know how best to help
6. Your friendship group has changed because of THEIR affairs
7. Ex has moved on and replicating your happy times/places with OW
8. Not dealing with grief re 2 miscarriages and 2 other babies in family

1. have you looked for any support with this ? There are threads on here with really supportive women who want to stop using alcohol as a crutch. How about a RL alcohol support group. See your gp about upping other meds ?

Half a bottle of wine with dinner is nothing to be worried about whereas a bottle on its own for the sake of it is. But tbh whatever it takes to get through it and I wouldn't beat myself up about it if I were you. Wine's a symtom not the cause of your strife. I've had 3 mcs and even tho I have 2 dc now I'm still grieving those losses yet no one understands. Look after yourself.

2. you will get another buyer. Tell dickhead to stop hassling you about it. Selling houses is a fucking nightmare full stop. Could you manage to shave a couple of thousand off it to kickstart interest ?

Okay, here I go with the bite sizes for eating this elephant:

1. Drinking to help sleep

• There are threads on MN with really supportive women who want to stop using alcohol as a crutch. (I found the link to Brave Babes Battle Bus: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2420205-The-Brave-Babes-Battle-Bus-Soaking-Up-The-Warm-Sunshine-Instead-Of-The-Warm-White-Wine)

• How about a RL alcohol support group? www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/AA-Meetings/Find-a-Meeting

• See your GP about upping other meds ?

Wine's a symptom not the cause of your strife

1. House sale about to fall through

• (This is AF's advice - I don't swear) Tell dickhead to stop hassling you about it. Selling houses is a fucking nightmare full stop. Could you manage to shave a couple of thousand off it to kickstart interest?

• Can you survive a drop of 20% on market Price? If so, I'll give you a link to someone you can talk to directly and you can sell within 4-8 weeks (all fees covered). I am doing that. My house is marketable at £400,000 - probably would reduce to £375,000 on open market - but for a quick sale with all fees covered I am looking at £319,000.

1. On a warning for sickness at work it's all different things, I seem to come down with everything and I only take time off if I am really, really sick.

• Speak to GP about stress-related migraine. Ask for appropriate anti-depressants and migraleave. Also speak about fatigue after 2 years.

1. Bullied by boss at work (physical & mental) and no support from HR to resolve

• That is terrible about your boss. You must feel so trapped. Are you in a union or tried contacting ACAS ? www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=1461

1. Family are not supportive after 2 years - say there are people worse off although I'm probably not being fair there, it's more that they don't know how best to help.

• I was supported through my 1st Anniversary after losing DH. I was so alone by 2nd Anniversary (everyone else had moved on) that I took an overdose. It wasn't a cry for help - it was a genuine attempt to end my pain. I am still here 14 years after DH's death and try to make a difference.

1. Your friendship group has changed because of THEIR affairs

• For now use Mumsnet and the care/support you can draw from this site. When you feel stronger, you may feel better able to re-establish your RL friendship groups.

1. Ex has moved on and replicating your happy times/places with OW

• That hurts! We'll help you to make new memories with your DCs that are not in EX's previous life. Have you linked into your local MN Group?

1. Not dealing with grief re 2 miscarriages and 2 other babies in family.

• Can you talk to your doctor? It might help if you can talk this out with someone and your dr can refer you for further counselling.

• You also need to speak about your grief about the future you have lost. Everything planned, sacrifices made, and your Ex has swanned off into the sunset leaving you to deal with practicalities for DCs.

HTH

I would recommend Andrew Johnstone quit drinking app for number 1. I saw it recommended on mumsnet and it never fails to get me to sleep (even when I'm raging about my ea ex who has done some truly horrible things and I am also on antidepressants which accounts for difficulty sleeping) hope you are feeling better, we are all rooting for you.

Thank you iloverunning36. I will include that in my next 'elephant-size' consolidated post for handfulofcottonbuds

Depression can be covered under the equality act (disability)

Handful I'm a long time lurker on your threads, sad to read this thread. I'm really sorry you are still having to deal with Ex etc.

Your Ex being an insensitive d*ck head.....there really is not much you can do but limit contact.

Please start by changing those things you have control over:

1. The drinking.....STOP!
2. Keeping your job
3. Your Boss sounds horrid, just keep your head down.
4. Sleep - start exercising, distracting yourself, actively try and make yourself tired.

BABY STEPS. Do one thing a day. Step away from the bottle for the rest of the weekend.

Do you have any leave days due? Ask your GP to book you off work due to work related stress, send the doctors certificate to HR, that will scare them into helping you.......you need to buy yourself time to 1. stop the drinking, 2. to get better, 3. to start sleeping unaided.

Right now you feel like you are sinking, but you are still in control.....if I remember correctly you have an older DC, so that IS one reason why you need to fight like you've never fought before to take back control!

If you give up now, that sodding twat will have won! TAKE BACK CONTROL!

Hello Cotton, I am so sorry to hear you feel so sad and down, from another long time lurker.

I think once you are in your lovely new home, a weight will lift off your shoulders and you WILL sleep again. The situation you are in is totally untenable and you can't possibly feel settled and strong about anything at the moment.

You sound like an amazing lady, and you WILL get there in time XXXX

Hello gorgeous cotton

Life eh, it can be so shit sometimes. A long time sufferer of hideous stuff myself I do have some tips to get through hideous times:

Let go. Life is going to do its hurricane, and struggling against it makes it worse. Let yourself get flung around and find that eye in the storm as it rages. Batten down the hatches. View the whole thing from afar. Be still.

You will get through this. That's how it goes, it does come to an end. Like any storm, it passes.

Bite size chunks - what is directly in front of you, no more. Don't look up or your courage will fail. You said I just have times when I think of everything collectively and how much has gone wrong - you have to not do this. yy we do that to come to terms with what's happened but it doesn't help - if you find yourself doing this, let it float through and don't hold onto it. You just will come to terms with what has happened without you pushing it along and resolving it. Resolution happens on its own.

You don't know how this is going to end up, what it's going to look like. Let go and let it happen. It may not seem like it now but you will very much like what you end up with - but you could never have got there without this hideous time (which you would never have volunteered for in a million years). There's a reward to this. Hold on.

The booze is holding you back - is, in fact, a depressant. I had a hideous time where I didn't sleep at all and, frankly, I would have taken heroin or any class A to sleep. So I'm not judging here. My GP got me on a high dose of ADs and finally the blessed sleep came. At some point you can learn some sleep hygiene eg routine, meditation, breathing (< so underestimated), mindfulness.

Bat off all thought of the 'people who are against you'. This is your battle, hunker down, get through it in your way. You will come through.

In fact, watch what you're thinking, be rigorous about stopping catastrophising thoughts, thinking of the whole hideousness all together. To do this is like taking water into a sinking boat: bung up the holes and don't go there. yy it's happened, you can't change what's happened, but you CAN address how you travel through.

That's all for now. Much, much love, dear one

Springy your entire post and the advice you give in it is absolutely excellent.

Cotton if you can try to adopt this way of thinking it is an excellent survival/coping mechanism. I know from experience (4 terrible years), that it WILL very much help you to get through all of the ongoing (for now)distressing shit you are faced with.

You are raw, bruised and battered now, but it Will end and you Will get there in your own time. Lots of big hugs xx

yes, that is great and compassionate advice from springy

nurture yourself, Hand. You are worthy of it.

Tbh I would tackle the drinking first - the sleep you get isn't good healthy sleep, it's stupor and not very refreshing. I was drinking like you when I was with my ex, and had no energy, felt rotten a lot, I'd sleep heavily and then be awake at 4am. I am much better having stopped, more energy, more positive, more on the ball. It's not easy, but I really think it would help.

Hope things look better soon.