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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help me unpick whats going on with my marriage

55 replies

isitreallymeidontknow · 21/08/2015 17:42

This is an example. It is a silly one, please go easy and help me unpick what it is that is making me so cross with dh...

DH told me he was going to get something to eat - cereal
I come downstairs and Dh has eaten the last pieces of bread I was saving for my tea, I say oh no as was saving that and dh is like oh well you will have to have something else. He then did say sorry.
I felt annoyed and asked him to go and get some more.

I feel silly to be so cross and know its about more than this. Generally he can be quite dismissive of my thoughts and I am unsure if this is why? It didn't matter to him.
I know sounds crazy!
Another example is he asked how my day was the other day and I said I was worried about xyz he then proceeded to tell me oh its nothing to worry about blah blah blah. But I was like well that's your opinion and great you are not worried but I am..

Is it the men v women? Men like to problem solve and women just want to chat things? He is very logical and unemotional and it really gets on my nerves..

We nearly lost ds at a family party a few weeks back and I was upset and did tell him off as he was meant to be watching him but again he was calm and said he knew he would be somewhere. All I wanted was a sorry from him...

OP posts:
Smilingforth · 21/08/2015 19:21

It's hard. You need to sit him down and tel him that he has to listen better. If you don't do it now it will only escalate over the years.

Original poster
isitreallymeidontknow · 21/08/2015 19:30

It has been going on a few years already I have talked to him so many times but he often says its me. I use my confidence and wonder if it is me but then get angry as I feel I'm not being unreasonable ( sometimes I can be as can't we all)

Another silly example but one Mr friend noticed..
Went for a meal with friends and Dc came with something on her plate she didn't want and was getting in a tiS so he was trying to scrape it off and I said best go and get another plate ( as I knew would be what dc wanted) but he carried on scraping and dc carrying on fussing in the end my friends husband hopped up and got a plate. Why couldn't he have just done it in the first place?

OP posts:
ShitHappens1 · 21/08/2015 19:39

If these are the only problems you have on your relationship, count yourself lucky.

In response to the last point, maybe he just didn't want to give in to bratty demands from a child but jumping up to get plates as opposed to doing what's normal and scraping it off for DC.

dilbert19912 · 21/08/2015 19:41

He actually sounds quite considerate.

Original poster
isitreallymeidontknow · 21/08/2015 19:42

Oh I know they are minor in the grand scheme of things. Ds has asd so wasn't being bratty though

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 21/08/2015 19:42

I get the feeling you're trying to communicate that there are a lot of little things which don't feel quite "right" but by itself they look like nothing or could be easily explained away. But overall there is a pattern but you can't put your finger on what the pattern is.

Is that right?

Original poster
isitreallymeidontknow · 21/08/2015 19:43

Yes Bertie exactly!

OP posts:
Original poster
isitreallymeidontknow · 21/08/2015 19:48

Another one- I started to talk about the awful news at Alton towers and he shut it down with a smug oh more people die on the roads talk..
I felt it was calous and I wasn't asking about how many deaths I was expecting a conversation about it..

OP posts:
Original poster
isitreallymeidontknow · 21/08/2015 19:49

He is considerate but it's something to do with the way he communicates I think and I can't puty finger on t

OP posts:
stepsharp · 21/08/2015 19:51

Ah yes, one of those people who make simple things difficult, and everyone thinks you're picking on them. The onlookers who think you're a whinger don't live with it constantly.

Can you tell that I have one of them, every one else thinks he's perfect.

Original poster
isitreallymeidontknow · 21/08/2015 19:56

I feel as though I am going slightly crazy. Tell
Me
More..

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 21/08/2015 20:04

Hang on I'll see if I can find you any links or other threads :)

Original poster
isitreallymeidontknow · 21/08/2015 20:08

Ok thanks!

OP posts:
Smilingforth · 21/08/2015 21:36

Wherever this ends you need to talk BUT firmer and more direct than in the past; it won't go away

LucyLocketX · 21/08/2015 21:47

It sounds like you're not getting on. You're clashing over minor things but, over time, that can be very wearing I imagine. He's not making any attempt to see things from your point of view. You're not clicking/gelling the way you should be.

BertieBotts · 23/08/2015 23:22

Sorry I didn't come back Blush

Have a look through the links on the OP of this thread or read through a few of the posts and see what you think.

ThisIsFolkGirl · 24/08/2015 08:22

I'm not entirely sure that what you've described so far would class as emotional abuse Hmm

Even if is a snapshot of life, they really are smallish things in the grand scheme of things. It sounds more that you're not gelling/connecting as you should/incompatible rather than that he is abusive.

Just to play devil's advocate for a second...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with an adult saying they are going for something to eat and then changing their mind - choosing to eat toast rather than cereal (esp as it sounds as though he didn't know you'd got your eye on it). Very annoying though. If he'd said he was going for toast and you'd said you wanted it, what would he have said? If you'd eaten it and he'd said he'd been saving it, what would you have said?

What was the work thing you were worried about (you don't have to say)? Are you generally an anxious person. Was he right? Did he just not realise it was something you wanted to talk about? Do you articulate if it's something you want to discuss or do you just stop talking and accept it? What is his response if you say, "I really want to talk about this?"

It's just that the alton towers thing, I'd have responded in the same way as him - it wasn't callous. He was right. What is there to say? Yes it was terrible; yes, you hope it wouldn't happen again; yes, many more people get killed on the road. What is there to have a conversation about?

The plate thing. That's not great. Does he understand? Has he been to the parent courses for asd? Has he been to all the appointments with you? Does he get it?

I may be way of track here, but the things you've said here could have explanations beyond 'he is an abuser'.

shovetheholly · 24/08/2015 08:27

It sounds as though you're not communicating very effectively together. I would suggest clearer statements on your side about what you want (using 'I want' and not 'I need') and more statements about how you feel, because it's much less easy to dismiss 'I feel upset that you've done this' than 'That was a bastard thing to do'.

He needs to be far better at listening and understanding that it's not all his way or his understanding - that people are different and they have anxieties and concerns that fall in varied psychological places. There is no 'one correct template' for a human being, and to believe that he is superior in being logical and rational is just arrogance, really.

This isn't men/women - this is just person/person.

Shutthatdoor · 24/08/2015 08:31

I'm not entirely sure that what you've described so far would class as emotional abuse

Neither do I

emotionwreckage · 24/08/2015 08:54

Blimey this seems like a non problem! sounds like two individual people in a relationship doing an ok job, although not perfect. That's it.

sooperdooper · 24/08/2015 08:54

I don't think any of the things you've mentioned are that bad tbh, irritating/niggly maybe but not anything I'd actually consider an issue in a relationship.

I don't think he's being intentionally horrible, and I don't think it's a male/female thing, I'd probably do the things he has!

Are you generally not happy at the moment and looking for issues maybe? Is anything else bothering you? Sometines stuff my DH does feels more annoying than others because other stuff is just on my mind!

summerainbow · 24/08/2015 09:21

You have a child with ASD
So therefore one or both you will have ASD .
This is why your comucation is off.

AuntyMag10 · 24/08/2015 09:22

The EA threads out alreadyConfused

Fidelia · 24/08/2015 09:25

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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