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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

please help me unpick whats going on with my marriage

55 replies

isitreallymeidontknow · 21/08/2015 17:42

This is an example. It is a silly one, please go easy and help me unpick what it is that is making me so cross with dh...

DH told me he was going to get something to eat - cereal
I come downstairs and Dh has eaten the last pieces of bread I was saving for my tea, I say oh no as was saving that and dh is like oh well you will have to have something else. He then did say sorry.
I felt annoyed and asked him to go and get some more.

I feel silly to be so cross and know its about more than this. Generally he can be quite dismissive of my thoughts and I am unsure if this is why? It didn't matter to him.
I know sounds crazy!
Another example is he asked how my day was the other day and I said I was worried about xyz he then proceeded to tell me oh its nothing to worry about blah blah blah. But I was like well that's your opinion and great you are not worried but I am..

Is it the men v women? Men like to problem solve and women just want to chat things? He is very logical and unemotional and it really gets on my nerves..

We nearly lost ds at a family party a few weeks back and I was upset and did tell him off as he was meant to be watching him but again he was calm and said he knew he would be somewhere. All I wanted was a sorry from him...

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 24/08/2015 09:26

Oh FGS. I did not say "This is emotional abuse please run". I said "Have a look through these and see if anything rings a bell", because emotional abuse does often look like a series of very small almost imperceptible things which are just a tiny bit "off" and which you can't describe to others because in isolation each incident seems perfectly explainable and/or petty. That's all.

Yes there could also be something in what summerrainbow says.

scarletforya · 24/08/2015 09:30

Agree with summerrainbow

Have you considered he could be on the spectrum?

sooperdooper · 24/08/2015 09:37

I'm shocked people think this is an actual issue, just because someone else's ex became emotionally abusive doesn't mean the OPs DP will because he ate a slice of toast

Galvanised · 24/08/2015 09:40

Another vote for summerrainbow's suggestion.

ThisIsFolkGirl · 24/08/2015 09:41

You have a child with ASDSo therefore one or both you will have ASD

It's definitely possibility.

hebihebi · 24/08/2015 09:41

I'm not sure. The fact that the OP feels she is not being unreasonable but is left doubting herself and wondering if she sounds crazy really worries me. Obviously she feels something is wrong here or she wouldn't be posting but it seems like she can't quite put her finger on what is wrong.

I'd read more about emotional abuse and see if it rings any bells.

pilates · 24/08/2015 09:42

Op, agree with others from what you have described could your DH be on the spectrum?

Shutthatdoor · 24/08/2015 09:42

I'm shocked people think this is an actual issue, just because someone else's ex became emotionally abusive doesn't mean the OPs DP will because he ate a slice of toast

Must admit these are my thoughts too.

It would seem that at times to some people in relationships can do nothing 'right'.

Isn't it natural for people to disagree on things or have irritations? Unless you are perfect or carbon copies if each other, surely this is normal.

microferret · 24/08/2015 09:44

Living with another human is tough, because most people are basically annoying. You need to sit down and talk to him about this stuff though, because it usually is surmountable if the relationship is good. My DH used to do lots of things which pissed me off but I was always brutally honest about them and he has worked hard to improve. Likewise I have taken on board his constructive criticisms and have worked hard to be a better person for him and the sake of our relationship. I think in a truly worthwhile relationship you actually become the best version of yourself, because you're doing it for the person you love. It can be quite a positive thing.

A good way to approach it is usually with humour - make a joke about what he has done that has annoyed / upset you, and then gently broach the subject more seriously and let him know that it's not okay, and to try to think before he acts in the future. Explain to him that he should also be open with you about things you do that get his goat, and acknowledge that you're also not perfect.

Worthwhile relationships don't just happen; they do require communication, self-discipline and a bit of effort. But if you two are basically happy and love each other, it won't feel like a chore.

cedricsneer · 24/08/2015 09:47

With the toast incident I think you were being unreasonable. Was he supposed to second guess that you wanted the bread? I think he responded in a more moderate way than I would have if my dh had had a go at me about this .

It seems like you are almost setting him up to fail - eg the plate incident. He handled it differently, which is ok. Maybe he thought that this was a better way to handle it than yours.

I would suggest you communicate more clearly with him than having an agenda and hidden expectations - I hate when someone is scrutinising me expecting me to handle something in a way that displeases them rather than stating what they need or expect from me.

sooperdooper · 24/08/2015 09:48

Shutthatdoor I agree, it's totally normal not to always agree on every little thing, or for small things to annoy us about other people, whether that's a partner, family or friend - do people sometimes think that because someone is our DP we shouldn't occasionally disagree? I don't mean argue, I mean have a different opinion on something large or small but chat about why we think differently and move on

cedricsneer · 24/08/2015 09:48

Why didn't you get the plate? Why instruct him to? Am I missing something?

ThisIsFolkGirl · 24/08/2015 09:55

It is possible that the op is on the spectrum and that is what makes her husband's behaviour wrong to her.

If no claim had been made to the toast why would it be the op's any more than her husband's?

Enb76 · 24/08/2015 09:57

I think that you are finding him dismissive of your feelings. The Alton Towers thing, you wanted him to join you in conversation and he shut the conversation down, you wanted him to commiserate with you about work whereas he tried to solve the problem, when he went to get cereal and actually had the last bit of bread he didn't consider what that would mean for you because it didn't occur to him and the plate thing he tried to fix without having to get up from the table when you already knew that that's what would have to happen.

None of these things are bad, they are just not what you want him to do. He's not being a bad person. You are making this his fault when I think he's probably just being him. I think you need to communicate better (not just you, him too) for example - if you want to vent on the work issue without it being problem solved you have to tell him. I'm a problem solver whereas lots of people just want someone to listen and make appropriate noises. If you wanted that last bit of bread, you should have said so and he probably wouldn't have used it. He's not a mind reader.

Tyrannosaurus · 24/08/2015 09:57

It sounds to me like you just don't like your DH much, and the little things he does really annoy you. In both the examples you have given I really don't see how he was wrong. Why was the bread being saved specially for you? Was he aware it was "yours" or was it just there for anyone to eat as far as he knew?

As far as the food/plate issue, he was dealing with it. OK, you felt that he should deal with it differently, but that does not mean he was wrong, and you were right, just that you had different views on how that particular issue could be best resolved. It sounds like you think he should always do things your way, and you don't like it when he doesn't.

RandomSocks · 24/08/2015 10:50

The Alton Towers example is more worrying. It sounds like he just doesn't have much empathy. OP was trying to have a normal conversation about a terrible event, as you do, and the DH couldn't react.

Is there otherwise much affection in your marriage, OP?

TheStoic · 24/08/2015 10:58

It's just that the alton towers thing, I'd have responded in the same way as him - it wasn't callous. He was right. What is there to say? Yes it was terrible; yes, you hope it wouldn't happen again; yes, many more people get killed on the road. What is there to have a conversation about?

Is that really how you would respond if someone started talking about the AT events? I would call that pretty callous.

He sounds like a mansplainer. Your thoughts are trivial, if not completely pointless.

Not abuse, but pretty miserable to live with.

Funinthesun15 · 24/08/2015 11:02

The Alton Towers example is more worrying. It sounds like he just doesn't have much empathy. OP was trying to have a normal conversation about a terrible event, as you do, and the DH couldn't react.

Maybe he just wanted to talk about it at that time but knew that the OP wouldn't just accept that so he chose, rightly or wrongly to say this.

It comes across that no matter what the OPs DH did in most situations it would be wrong in the OPs eyes.

ThisIsFolkGirl · 24/08/2015 11:08

Well I don't think someone else's tragedy is something I want to idly chat about.

I don't turn to look at RTA's or read 'true life' stories in magazines for the same reason.

ThisIsFolkGirl · 24/08/2015 11:10

It comes across that no matter what the OPs DH did in most situations it would be wrong in the OPs eyes.

Yes. And there are some in the world of mn who will always find the man guilty and the woman innocent when, actually sometimes women are wrong and sometimes it's just 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

Icimoi · 24/08/2015 11:12

I suspect with the work incident he was maybe trying to reassure you.

In general, some people simply are less emotional and maybe less imaginative than others, and that doesn't make them bad people. Where you not unnaturally leap to all the disaster scenarios when you can't find your ds, your dh equally naturally reasons that at a family party your ds won't have gone far and the very strong likelihood is that he will be perfectly safe. Neither of you is necessarily wrong in that situation.

I write from experience. My dh is naturally fairly stolid and unimaginative, and there have been times when that has actually been brilliant as it's kept me grounded and stopped me panicking. There have however been other times when I really wish he would show a bit more emotion or excitement about something. But the point is that either way he's there for me even if he doesn't really understand why I'm worried or upset.

ThisIsFolkGirl · 24/08/2015 11:17

The Alton Towers example is more worrying. It sounds like he just doesn't have much empathy. OP was trying to have a normal conversation about a terrible event, as you do

See this is an example of how people can be different without being wrong.

It wouldn't be "as you do" for me. I don't like discussing terrible incidents. Especially accidents. It's awful but none of my business. That doesn't mean I don't have empathy, just that I don't want/need to talk about it.

ThisIsFolkGirl · 24/08/2015 11:27

And yes, my reaction to the 'missing' ds might have been similar. It depends what the context was. He knew he'd be around somewhere? Well he was right.

But a 2yo missing in a large open space near a main road would be more of a concern than a 7 yo in a large but reasonably enclosed area but where the child was just not in sight.

What did he need to apologise for?

Again,

ThisIsFolkGirl · 24/08/2015 11:29

Rogue again

moopymoodle · 24/08/2015 11:35

Your nit picking and getting angry over minor things. Why was the bread anymore yours? Why does he have to see the world through your eyes and comform to your ways?

I can't believe some of called abuse on this, if anything the op is treading along the lines of abuse if she does nothing but complain how wrong her DH got things

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