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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mother in law

75 replies

Iusedtosleepbeforehavingkids · 20/08/2015 21:13

Staying at in laws at the moment, they live abroad and we are visiting them for a week before having a weeks holiday on our own. Aibu to hate coming here? The kids love it, but I dread this week and can't wait for it to be over.
Now I don't particularly dislike my MIL but don't like her that much either, we are just very different people and she is very stubborn, a terrible cook who will except no help what so ever and makes no allowances for fusy eating children.
I don't particularly like visiting also as my mil is not a very good housekeeper, I would say the house is dirty in many places, she allows spiders to live in the bathroom, I am not talking just one or two there are loads of them, dried up and alive all around (the very long thin legged ones with tiny bodies) It's horrible, also there is one bathroom downstairs next to their bedroom, we are all using it (ok us more than them, they rarely shower as far as I can make out, once or twice a week, she hasn't changed the shower mat all week and it is more filthy than you can imagine! ( they have a dog and cat and live In The far north of the country in the country side, So floors tend to be dirty fairly quickly with mud leaves, insects). Now don't take this as reflection of the standard Dutch house, they are normally incredibly clean, tidy and modern places.
she is stick thin and says she eats loads (she does not), she complains about FIL weight in front of everyone (he has a tummy but is not that big not really) and puts people down / their views (probably without meaning too to some extent, the Dutch are not known for their subtly). Today after being here all week stuck at their house every day except for one evening we went out for dinner (a welcome relief from her cooking that is loaded with oil, no wonder FIL has a tummy! I lost 4stone last year with slimming world and still have to watch what I eat as weight goes up and down a little, you should hear her opinion on diets.... She has no idea how hard it is to loose weight as she has never had an issue) we finally got to go out to a pancake house with play farm. Now to me a pancake is a sweet treat but to the Dutch it is a meal and they eat it with cheese, ham, bacon, all sorts of veg in them. To them it is a perfectly suitable lunch, or even dinner in some cases depending which of the 30+ pancakes you choose. I had one with cherries and cream, dd1 (5) had a plain one, dd2 (2.5) had a banana one but did not eat it and only had cream off the side of my pancake. After lunch my mother in law made a whole commotion about how she had finished her whole pancake (first time in as long as she could remember). She had a spicy one that was filled with chopped up spicy veg. I commented that I do not find them particularly filling, more of a light lunch/pudding. This evening it was nearly 7 and I was thinking to say something and ask if I could make something for the girls when she said that she was not very hungry and did not know how any of us could be, so it was sandwiches for tea. As I had commented at lunch and Dd2 had not eaten hers at all, I was a little taken aback and asked if there was any proper food I could cook for dd2 as she had not eaten lunch, she said, well not really as we don't have much left (they went to the supermarket on the way home!), what do you want. Anyway she ended up cooking some fish (in big dollops of lard) and rice for kids but she had the most almighty hump on her, you should have felt the tension, I did not know what to say after that. I have spent extra long putting the kids to bed to stay out her way... Dreading going downstairs.
Also there is no TV to hide behind (don't take this as sign the are poor, far from it she just hates the TV and won't have one in the house, FIL has a small one upstairs in his hobby room), we all have to sit around the table talking all night long which means the same cat/dig stories we hear all the time. I soooo hate coming here and can't wait to leave. Sorry for the very long post just needed a rant about her. It is the end of the week, leave tomorrow I am hoping to leave pretty much straight after breakfast but hubby wants to go after lunch... I am probably being a bit unreasonable, they don't see kids that often, but I just hate being here...

OP posts:

Fluffyears · 20/08/2015 21:18

Unfortunately it is your husbands family and your DC's family so you just need to suck it up and get through the duty visit. It will be over soon, deep breaths and smile and nod.

IrisBlue15 · 20/08/2015 21:28

That sounds pretty awful. It sounds like she doesn't enjoy it much either. No advice, but plenty of sympathy.

happymummyone · 20/08/2015 21:28

A week is a long time to be somewhere you can't stand. Unfortunately you can't choose your family. I'm a bit of e neat freak and not a doggy person so I'd find it trying too. Nearly home time though! Excuse yourself for an early night, fake a headache, it'll soon be over.

pillowaddict · 20/08/2015 21:29

I would hate the food element as I'm also trying to lose weight and nothing knocks me off more than being deprived regular healthy meals! Next time I would insist on taking food for the dc (and you!) So if they stop at supermarket buy meats, cheeses and eggs etc so you can ways make a simple meal even if she's not having one. Ignore her moodiness! With regards to the evening aspect maybe take some board games to.pass the time. It does sound difficult but maybe spend some time away from them too which could allow you guys to go for meals etc yourself. I guess it's important to be as positive as you can be so that your dc see the holiday with grandparents as fun!

paulapompom · 20/08/2015 21:39

YaNbu to not enjoy this trip, but it's good that dcs like going - and also that mil dosent live next door! Soon be done

ollieplimsoles · 20/08/2015 21:44

I feel for you, MIL doesn't sound bad though, just different to you and that takes some getting used to.

We had the same when we would go stay with my dad, who also lives in a different country. No food in his house ever, and he never ate so we would frequently go hungry, it used to make the holiday unbearable. We started taking little snacks in our suitcase to see us through the week.

Unhappyuser · 20/08/2015 21:44

Yabu and quite nasty. No one should pander to fussy children

gobbynorthernbird · 20/08/2015 21:54

I don't understand why you didn't have a decent lunch (which a savoury filled pancake is), didn't make the DC have a decent lunch, and then whinge that supper isn't enough for you.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 20/08/2015 22:07

To be honest she doesn't sound particularly bad. Just different. You sound like quite hard work though

CarlaJones · 20/08/2015 22:08

Maybe your mil was hoping to have the day off from cooking dinner as you'd eaten at the restaurant? A savoury pancake with a sweet one for afters if wanted is enough for a main meal, so sandwiches for tea would be enough.

AbeSaidYes · 20/08/2015 22:10

Next time, take a book and buy some of your own food from the supermarket.

lunar1 · 20/08/2015 22:18

How often do you visit? What's it like when they come to you?

Wolpertinger · 20/08/2015 22:23

So you went out for lunch, she ordered sensibly, the rest of you picked unhealthy snacks and you wonder why she wasn't hungry later and doesn't put on weight

looks at spider living in bathroom, wonders when we last washed the bathmat

Theycallmemellowjello · 20/08/2015 22:26

It definitely is a strain to be somewhere you don't feel comfortable, but I do think it sounds like you could make more of an effort. I'd try to think of each problem individually, rather than letting them all build up - and try to find an individual solution to each one.

It's a shame the house is not as clean as you like, but it doesn't sound like it's a health hazard, so I'd just try not to let it worry you.

It's a shame you don't like her cooking, but it sounds like she is providing regular and filling meals. With regard to the pancake lunch, it sounds like you made a tactical error having a sweet crepe rather than a savory one - I guess you know now that the Dutch regard pancakes as a filling meal not a snack and won't make the same mistake again.

With regard to the kids not eating and then getting hungry, this is easily solved by keeping a stash of cereal bars/bananas/milk cartons etc. Perhaps you also need to be more assertive about cooking - of course you can't step into her kitchen and cook an elaborate meal, but I reckon that she can't stop you buying some eggs and bread and making boiled eggs and soldiers for the kids if they need it. Your DH should also back you up on this front. I also reckon that if you know the kids are going to need more food you could mention this before the shopping (or go to the ship yourself) rather than leaving it til after you got back from the supermarket.

With regard to the lack of TV - you just need to make sure you have a book, the kids have books/colouring books/games, and maybe bring a pack of cards or something. Sorry, but I think by the time you're complaining about the lack of TV it sounds like you are just venting! It's fine to vent of course, but you might be happier if you just try to solve the problems you can, and not worry about the problems you can't.

UrethraFranklin1 · 20/08/2015 22:30

No, you don't particularly dislike your MIL... You clearly loathe the woman!

Janethegirl · 20/08/2015 22:36

OP I agree with you, I hate pancakes filled with stuff. It's not a proper meal IMO.

Now pancakes with Cointreau is not a bad idea, but it's not a meal if you see what I mean, and it's not really suitable for children!

iAmNicolaMurray · 20/08/2015 22:43

I don't understand why you blame your mil for the state of the house when your fil lives there too.

As for the pancake thing, firstly why didn't you and your children choose one of the more filling, savoury options? Secondly, your mil was going to make sandwiches for dinner, unless I misread? That sounds more than adequate to me.

Janethegirl · 20/08/2015 22:46

I hate sandwiches, fucking nasty things!

iAmNicolaMurray · 20/08/2015 22:49

Good thing nobody is making you eat them then, Jane.

Janethegirl · 20/08/2015 22:50

Most fil do not do housework Nicola. It's not their remit.

You sound really young to have that outlook. My dfil was lovely but he never did that sort of stuff. Dmil lived in same house and it was her job. Most older people still work on its the woman's job, be it right or wrong.

Janethegirl · 20/08/2015 22:52

Yes, Nicola, no one could ever make me eat sandwiches.

Wolpertinger · 20/08/2015 22:52

From your posting it reads as if you've been before? So why haven't you packed loads of books, games, snacks?

It does sound as if the main problem with MIL is that she's foreign rather than difficult. FIL lives there too but you don't seem to blame him for the housekeeping

So she has animals, cooks different food (it can't be that unhealthy if she's slim and FIL is only slightly overweight), sounds abrupt - but is kindly speaking to you in a foreign language and the Dutch language is more blunt than English. Evenings can't be that boring if the kids love going either. And if you had a TV, surely the programmes would be in Dutch anyway

Why not go in a spirit of exploration - lets try one of these weird Dutch savoury pancakes! - I think you'd have a much nicer time.

iAmNicolaMurray · 20/08/2015 23:01

Oh right I see. How young do I sound then Jane?

Osolea · 20/08/2015 23:01

Sounds like it's a hard work week, and when you're surrounded by things that are out of your comfort zone 24/7, the little things are bound to wind you up more.

Just be thankful they live abroad, you don't have to do this often, and it's nearly all over. You're into hours rather than days now, even if you do leave after lunch!

As for the pancakes, I'm totally with your mil! The My Old Dutch restaurants are one of my favourites, I love their huge crepe pancake things and there are loads of gorgeous savory options. I can't finish one of those types of pancake because they are really filling, and my dc (older than yours though) would only have a snacky light dinner later in the day after that for lunch.

Janethegirl · 20/08/2015 23:05

Nicola a lot younger than me

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