Mother in law

[Iusedtosleepbeforehavingkids]

Staying at in laws at the moment, they live abroad and we are visiting them for a week before having a weeks holiday on our own. Aibu to hate coming here? The kids love it, but I dread this week and can't wait for it to be over.
Now I don't particularly dislike my MIL but don't like her that much either, we are just very different people and she is very stubborn, a terrible cook who will except no help what so ever and makes no allowances for fusy eating children.
I don't particularly like visiting also as my mil is not a very good housekeeper, I would say the house is dirty in many places, she allows spiders to live in the bathroom, I am not talking just one or two there are loads of them, dried up and alive all around (the very long thin legged ones with tiny bodies) It's horrible, also there is one bathroom downstairs next to their bedroom, we are all using it (ok us more than them, they rarely shower as far as I can make out, once or twice a week, she hasn't changed the shower mat all week and it is more filthy than you can imagine! ( they have a dog and cat and live In The far north of the country in the country side, So floors tend to be dirty fairly quickly with mud leaves, insects). Now don't take this as reflection of the standard Dutch house, they are normally incredibly clean, tidy and modern places.
she is stick thin and says she eats loads (she does not), she complains about FIL weight in front of everyone (he has a tummy but is not that big not really) and puts people down / their views (probably without meaning too to some extent, the Dutch are not known for their subtly). Today after being here all week stuck at their house every day except for one evening we went out for dinner (a welcome relief from her cooking that is loaded with oil, no wonder FIL has a tummy! I lost 4stone last year with slimming world and still have to watch what I eat as weight goes up and down a little, you should hear her opinion on diets.... She has no idea how hard it is to loose weight as she has never had an issue) we finally got to go out to a pancake house with play farm. Now to me a pancake is a sweet treat but to the Dutch it is a meal and they eat it with cheese, ham, bacon, all sorts of veg in them. To them it is a perfectly suitable lunch, or even dinner in some cases depending which of the 30+ pancakes you choose. I had one with cherries and cream, dd1 (5) had a plain one, dd2 (2.5) had a banana one but did not eat it and only had cream off the side of my pancake. After lunch my mother in law made a whole commotion about how she had finished her whole pancake (first time in as long as she could remember). She had a spicy one that was filled with chopped up spicy veg. I commented that I do not find them particularly filling, more of a light lunch/pudding. This evening it was nearly 7 and I was thinking to say something and ask if I could make something for the girls when she said that she was not very hungry and did not know how any of us could be, so it was sandwiches for tea. As I had commented at lunch and Dd2 had not eaten hers at all, I was a little taken aback and asked if there was any proper food I could cook for dd2 as she had not eaten lunch, she said, well not really as we don't have much left (they went to the supermarket on the way home!), what do you want. Anyway she ended up cooking some fish (in big dollops of lard) and rice for kids but she had the most almighty hump on her, you should have felt the tension, I did not know what to say after that. I have spent extra long putting the kids to bed to stay out her way... Dreading going downstairs.
Also there is no TV to hide behind (don't take this as sign the are poor, far from it she just hates the TV and won't have one in the house, FIL has a small one upstairs in his hobby room), we all have to sit around the table talking all night long which means the same cat/dig stories we hear all the time. I soooo hate coming here and can't wait to leave. Sorry for the very long post just needed a rant about her. It is the end of the week, leave tomorrow I am hoping to leave pretty much straight after breakfast but hubby wants to go after lunch... I am probably being a bit unreasonable, they don't see kids that often, but I just hate being here...

You must be pretty damn old.

hmm I wonder why your children are fussy eaters

Depends on your definition of 'pretty damn old'??

Agree about the cleaning being as much FIL job as MIL.

A lot older than me

Yes I probably am. And I've seen at lot more stuff than you. I'm guessing you are really young with not a lot of experience and think that men and women should share all stuff.
Yes, I'd agree but life is not always that simple. It depends on the hours they work vs yours. I have always worked less hours than DH so I do the routine stuff.

And a round of applause to Jane for managing to patronise both old and young people!

Thanks Floisme

You do sound very unreasonable.
I really can't see that there are any major issues in your post.
You have decided that because you are quite a different person from her, then she is wrong and it would seem you have posted here in the hope we will all agree.

When you marry someone, there will always be difference in the way their family do/ have done things, from the way your family do/have done things. Part of a happy marriage involves embracing those differences and looking for all the positives when you do end up spending time where you aren't as comfortable as in your own home (and who ever is as comfortable elsewhere as they are at home?).

Presumably you've stayed there a few times before? Anticipate and work round the bits you don't like the most.

YABU. If your daughter turned her nose up at lunch and wasted food she shouldn't expect a special effort to be made for her at dinner time. I think it's massively rude for you to let your daughter leave her lunch then expect them to provide another meal. If you had to get something for her dinner you should have gone out and got it yourself.

House guests who leave food and then demand more to make up for it are very, very rude.

Dear Jane - my dad's fil did housework. He would be 95 this year. HTH.
Are all divorced men in their 80s eating off paper plates and wearing the same clothes in which they left their wives? No. Don't be so daft.

Funnily enough Jane, there are people of all different ages who believe in equality.

Also, to clarify, I do not think that housework should be split equally between two parties who work unequal amounts outside the home. It depends on the couple and their individual circumstances. We do not know the circumstances of the pil's in the op, they could both be working, they could both be retired.

And I've seen at lot more stuff than you. I'm guessing you are really young with not a lot of experience and think that men and women should share all stuff.

You can't even guess my age, you know nothing about my life, what I've done or what experiences I've had, but it's great that you know how much I've seen.

OP you do sound intolerant tbh. No telly and chatting round the table sounds good. Filled pancakes are good - a bit like unspicy burritos.
However house guests and fish stink after 5 days. So perhaps next time take your choice of food, go to a supermarket, offer to cook etc and have your week away in the middle sandwiched between 2 shorter visits rather than a week long stay.

I know I was venting. I am being unreasonable, but can't help it.
Trying to respond to questions..
I did not have a savoury option as don't like savoury fillings on a pancake, is just odd to me, I have tried before but don't like them. The sweet ones are lovely though not particularly healthy. Also was not a savoury followed by sweet is one or other. If mil had said that this was main meal then would definitely have looked for something better on the menu, asked if they could do an omelette, totally understand wanting a night off cooking. We did take snacks with us, dried apricots, smoothie melts, cereal bars, hoops for kids and fruit from local supermarket, gave kids nuts and smoothie melts when they got hungry. We have been in UK for about 6 years so done this trip a few times now (found it easier when we lived here as it was only ever a one night visit then). Reason she is so slim is she eats like a bird, very little of what she cooks. I offered to cook for them, but she will not allow that. I got laughed at when I showed her the fry light I had brought with me last year when I was in the mists of dieting. I just need regular healthy meals that are filling to keep me on track otherwise I start snacking, been totally de railed from the diet this week (my own lack of will power mostly I know).
She doesn't speak to me in English, she speaks to me indutch (I lived here for about 12 years, it is very tiring though the constant Dutch, partly why I was venting as tired. Yes Dutch is much more blunt than English and I am too sensitive I know).
They are quite old FIL would not dream of doing house work, not from his era. When I say the shower mat is dirty, I don't just mean a bit grubby. Heck I only wash mine once a fortnight at the most. we have very different standards, it is just not important to her. She is country gal and I am city through and through.
I brought 2 books with me, read them both already, will have to bring more next time. Is fine when kids are up as can focus on them, but they are 2 & 5 so go to bed after dinner. After that the night looms. Hence my books. we went out to visit one of hubby's childhood friends for afternoon on the second day here,had to be done then as they work in the week). She would not be happy if we went out again and took time away from our visit with them (FIL could not give a crap honestly)
We come twice a year for a week, that is all we can do (vacation days, cost) They are retired and well off, they come to us for 5 days at kids birthdays and a couple of other times a year mil comes on her own for between 3 days and a week depending on what she has going on.

Giddy, a week away followed by two short visits would not work due to where they live and the amount of travelling involved.
We do bring own food and have offered to cook, mil will not have anyone else in her kitchen.we took them out for dinner already earlier in the week to get us all out the house and give her a break from cooking.
I know I was being unreasonable. If I could take back the post I would do, but I checked, you can't delete them

Hey feel bad op, it does sound like a stressful situation - it would stress me out too. I reckon focusing on taking steps to alleviate the worst of it, making the best of what you can and grinning and bearing through the rest is the way forward. And get your dh to have the arguments with his mum about food etc - it's obviously harder for you than him to be firm. Good luck.

Erp I meant DON'T feel bad!

I used, I think Giddy means go visit for a couple of days, then bugger off to the seaside/Disney/whatever floats your boat for a proper holiday with DC and DH, then back to their house on the way home.

Lazy, dd2 is 2.5 seriously are you suggesting I shove the food down her throat? We paid for our own lunch, so no skin off their nose if she doesn't eat it. The Dutch really do 'go Dutch'
Have you ever tried to get a 2.5 year old to eat something she doesn't want to? Dd1 ate every last morsel on her plate, she was the same at 2.5 though. So I do what I did with dd1 and keep offering foods to dd2 knowing that she will eventually eat them, until then I also make meals where I know she will get her vitamins from some days (normal meals like spag Bol, pasta with homemade pesto loaded with basil and rocket. (if she doesn't eat what is served then tough, but this was the second day she had not eaten much as day before was food she would not eat also), I worry probably too much about what my kids eat.

You've done well to lose all that weight. Could you take a bit of a break from the diet while on holiday? I always find I don't put weight on while staying with someone anyway, even if I eat quite hearty meals, because I'm not so comfortable about helping myself to snacks as I would be at home!

You said in your OP it was a vent so that's fine we all need to sometimes.

My (now ex ) in laws were a nightmare! I feel your pain.

However, while I get you don't like savoury pancakes I would still have encouraged the children to have a proper filling meal at lunchtime.

Not long then you're away.

You sound like hard work but it would drive me crazy to stay with your in laws. I would insist on staying in a nearby hotel next time.

I think I would get on really well with your MIL, OP, but it is hard staying somewhere so culturally different from what you are used to.

Savoury crepes are delicious especially with cheese ham and spinach and on that basis alone YABU!!!

It sounds Dickensian. YANBU. I would have to be a little rude I'm afraid and say "I'm not hearing of you cooking AGAIN MIL! You deserve a rest! No...I am cooking and you are sitting."

And if she won't let that happen, just bloody start making the DC something...bring more food next time...buy it there.whatever...and cook for the kids.