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Original poster

Mother in law

75 replies

Iusedtosleepbeforehavingkids · 20/08/2015 21:13

Staying at in laws at the moment, they live abroad and we are visiting them for a week before having a weeks holiday on our own. Aibu to hate coming here? The kids love it, but I dread this week and can't wait for it to be over.
Now I don't particularly dislike my MIL but don't like her that much either, we are just very different people and she is very stubborn, a terrible cook who will except no help what so ever and makes no allowances for fusy eating children.
I don't particularly like visiting also as my mil is not a very good housekeeper, I would say the house is dirty in many places, she allows spiders to live in the bathroom, I am not talking just one or two there are loads of them, dried up and alive all around (the very long thin legged ones with tiny bodies) It's horrible, also there is one bathroom downstairs next to their bedroom, we are all using it (ok us more than them, they rarely shower as far as I can make out, once or twice a week, she hasn't changed the shower mat all week and it is more filthy than you can imagine! ( they have a dog and cat and live In The far north of the country in the country side, So floors tend to be dirty fairly quickly with mud leaves, insects). Now don't take this as reflection of the standard Dutch house, they are normally incredibly clean, tidy and modern places.
she is stick thin and says she eats loads (she does not), she complains about FIL weight in front of everyone (he has a tummy but is not that big not really) and puts people down / their views (probably without meaning too to some extent, the Dutch are not known for their subtly). Today after being here all week stuck at their house every day except for one evening we went out for dinner (a welcome relief from her cooking that is loaded with oil, no wonder FIL has a tummy! I lost 4stone last year with slimming world and still have to watch what I eat as weight goes up and down a little, you should hear her opinion on diets.... She has no idea how hard it is to loose weight as she has never had an issue) we finally got to go out to a pancake house with play farm. Now to me a pancake is a sweet treat but to the Dutch it is a meal and they eat it with cheese, ham, bacon, all sorts of veg in them. To them it is a perfectly suitable lunch, or even dinner in some cases depending which of the 30+ pancakes you choose. I had one with cherries and cream, dd1 (5) had a plain one, dd2 (2.5) had a banana one but did not eat it and only had cream off the side of my pancake. After lunch my mother in law made a whole commotion about how she had finished her whole pancake (first time in as long as she could remember). She had a spicy one that was filled with chopped up spicy veg. I commented that I do not find them particularly filling, more of a light lunch/pudding. This evening it was nearly 7 and I was thinking to say something and ask if I could make something for the girls when she said that she was not very hungry and did not know how any of us could be, so it was sandwiches for tea. As I had commented at lunch and Dd2 had not eaten hers at all, I was a little taken aback and asked if there was any proper food I could cook for dd2 as she had not eaten lunch, she said, well not really as we don't have much left (they went to the supermarket on the way home!), what do you want. Anyway she ended up cooking some fish (in big dollops of lard) and rice for kids but she had the most almighty hump on her, you should have felt the tension, I did not know what to say after that. I have spent extra long putting the kids to bed to stay out her way... Dreading going downstairs.
Also there is no TV to hide behind (don't take this as sign the are poor, far from it she just hates the TV and won't have one in the house, FIL has a small one upstairs in his hobby room), we all have to sit around the table talking all night long which means the same cat/dig stories we hear all the time. I soooo hate coming here and can't wait to leave. Sorry for the very long post just needed a rant about her. It is the end of the week, leave tomorrow I am hoping to leave pretty much straight after breakfast but hubby wants to go after lunch... I am probably being a bit unreasonable, they don't see kids that often, but I just hate being here...

OP posts:

londonrach · 21/08/2015 07:09

Op i blame you as i now want a ham and cheese savoury pancake. They are amazing. The mix if different from the sweet ones. Yabu on that point. Also why are the children fussy? Maybe you suggest you cook every other day to give your mil a break.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 21/08/2015 07:09

I do disagree about the crepes though. They're amazing with cheese and veg or ham.

Shutthatdoor · 21/08/2015 07:13

Most fil do not do housework Nicola. It's not their remit.

Most ridiculous comment I have read in ages

Blu · 21/08/2015 07:15

There are family visits and there are holidays.

You spend loads of time with them with all these 5 day visits , I would limit the twice yearly visits there to 3 days.

And also, can you get your DH to negotiate the conversations about food? Let him be the one to ask to make food when the kids need it?

I hope your getaway this morning goes smoothly and you have a lovely holiday .

lavenderhoney · 21/08/2015 07:38

You're lucky it's only a week and they speak English- do you speak Dutch? Or your DC? You need lots of books and early nights. It's not going to change, these weeks. And your DC and dh like it.

What do you do all day? and the talking round the table is nice tbh, they dont see you much, any of you. Do they ever just speak Dutch?

The trouble with pancake gate was that op didn't know mil hoped they'd all eat a filling pancake and she would only have to make sandwiches later. You or your dh could have said " now, it all looks v filling, mil are you cooking a big meal tonight?" And she could have said no.

She wouldn't have said " eat something filling as I'm not cooking " because that would be a bit abrupt and she was trying to lead by example.

Buy lots if baguettes or something, nice fruit that's a treat and let the DC eat that it they are hungry.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 21/08/2015 07:42

Lavender OP says she speaks Dutch well.

WHat I don't get OP is why you don't just arrange some days out without the inlaws? I'd be out driving all day and then arriving home with takeaway in your shoes!

mykidsmyworld · 21/08/2015 07:56

OP I think the food thing is clash of culture, the Dutch can live on sandwiches the whole year. Pancakes for them is a meal. But they do have a lot of in betweens. Maybe your DH should have explained to you how they eat so you come prepared.
And yes the Dutch say it as it is. The thing is it is for a week, try and make it fun for yourself and the kids.

diddl · 21/08/2015 08:35

My dad is in his 80s & some housework was always part of his remit when mum wasn't working & we were young, as was night feeds at the weekend so mum could sleep.

Stay somwhere else so that you do your own cooking?

ProfYaffle · 21/08/2015 08:57

My MIL is very, very similar with food. We once went out and had sandwiches for lunch, she was astonished that dd2 (6 at the time) would want to eat an evening meal after that

But anyhoo, we get around it by taking loads of snacks, announcing that 'we're going for a walk' and sneaking into a cafe while we're out, sometimes dh just puts his foot down and says 'Mum, the kids are hungry, they need to be fed' and sometimes he just goes into the kitchen and starts cooking himself (just pasta or toast or something, usually we bring all this stuff ourselves).

Having dh on board and letting him take the lead if the key I feel.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 21/08/2015 09:03

Thank God my MIL is the way she is! She doesn;t care who cooks what or eats what...I couldn;t cope if she was like OP's!

Monroe · 21/08/2015 09:06

Where is DH in all of this? Why are you solely responsible for the dc's? Surely if his children are hungry he is able to tell his mother he is getting them something to eat.

iAmNicolaMurray · 21/08/2015 09:10

I still don't see why they couldn't just have sandwiches. Maybe they aren't used to sandwiches for dinner, but it's still food and can be very filling. I hate going to bed hungry but sandwiches are food!

Like Monroe, I do wonder where the op's dh is in all this.

diddl · 21/08/2015 09:18

Well sandwiches wouldn't have hurt for once as the "main meal".

We usually have our main meal at lunch time.

When it's hot/holidays/cba, you might be surprisd what passes as a main meal

Actually, pancakes is one!

Like we have on Shrove Tuesday.

Plain, add orange juice, whatever.

Where are you from OP, that you only think of pancaks as a sweet treat?

whatlifestylechoice · 21/08/2015 09:21

Maybe worrying about his DC's nutrition is not in the DH's remit.

This thread is unintentionally hilarious. I must tell my 75-year-old that he's been a fool to be doing the housework all this time as it's not in his remit.

pictish · 21/08/2015 09:32

I think you're being a bit unfair OP but I do understand where you're coming from. I'm not one for being an extended house guest beyond a couple of nights, with anyone, ever. We did stay with fil and his wife for a week once, and by the end of it I was quietly going stir crazy with having to be constantly 'on'. I crave space to switch off.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 21/08/2015 09:49

Nicola I agree. Sandwiches can be fine....especially after a pancake with fruit in it. OPs toddler didn't eat any of the pancake but sandwiches for a small child would do no harm at all.

iAmNicolaMurray · 21/08/2015 12:21

Maybe worrying about his DC's nutrition is not in the DH's remit.

Very good point!

LarrytheCucumber · 21/08/2015 13:29

I logged on to make sure it wasn't my Daughter in Law moaning about me
I think you are being just a little unreasonable.
Imagine her post on the Dutch equivalent of Gransnet:

AIBU. My son has married an English girl. She is nice enough but you know what the English are like. They never say what they mean, so I never know where I am with her. She doesn't like my cooking, but pretends that everything is fine. My lovely grandchildren are very picky eaters and I find it hard to know how to handle this, because I am used to children eating what is put in front of them and I really don't want to cook extra food for them.
I know she doesn't like my standards of cleanliness, but it is my home and I keep it my way. None of us have died from the way I keep house.
The other day, to try and accommodate the children's eating preferences I took them out to a pancake house. I was sure there would be something on the menu they would all eat, but even that didn't work, and when I offered them sandwiches in the evening my daughter in law insisted on cooking something for the children, even though they had only picked at their lunch.
Am I being unreasonable to be dread these week long visits?

TheHouseOnTheLane · 21/08/2015 13:40

Larry No yanbu. English children are notorious for their need of hot meals three times a day. They even eat potatoes for breakfast! Plus no vegetables is normal and acceptable for them!

Pah! Make her do it your way.

Reubs15 · 21/08/2015 14:53

You could always stay somewhere else but close to them?
It sounds like you hate her! If you can't manage without a tv for a week there's something wrong! Take a pack of cards/boardgames etc. The cleanliness of the house doesn't sound ideal but doesn't sound hazardous.
With regards to the food, a savoury pancake is not unusual. You should have had a savoury one and told your kids to choose savoury too, they're filling and good for you and have so many flavours. Do you not enjoy trying new things on holiday? Sandwiches for tea after a savoury pancake would have sufficed. If your kids are fussy that's yours and your husbands problem not mils. I'm sure she wouldn't kick you out for taking some food.
Your husband should be helping with the children.
Finally, a week won't kill you. Try and have fun/be positive for the kids. It doesn't sound like mil is a bad person, quite the opposite. Tbh you just sound like you're the one with the problem.

winniethewhoo · 21/08/2015 15:24

I'm finding you unreasonable definitely. I presume you knew you were going to Holland and were not captured and forced to spend a week there? So you're aware of pancakes being a meal I'm sure. How awful that your MIL speaks to you in the language of the country that you're in and that she knows you speak too? But never mind what I'm saying because it must just be my Dutch side forcing me to be blunt

bakingaddict · 21/08/2015 15:54

I feel for you and think that on holiday it's not easy to get very young kids to eat 'local food'.

If children are grumpy and hungry then it makes everybody's holiday miserable. My two have small appetites and I find that encouraging them to try new flavours works better than forcing them to eat food they don't like. I'm not of the school of thought that children should just eat what's put in front of them and I also find savoury pancakes for dinner or lunch not something I am accustomed to

Smilingforth · 21/08/2015 23:30

It's hard - and I'm afraid is just normal life. We dint get on with everybody but we all still need to make things work especially with young kids around

OhDearMuriel · 22/08/2015 09:33

Oh come on OP, it's only a week.

Presumably the children/your husband adore them, and I hope for everyone's sake you aren't going around with a long face or sending out your disapproving vibes.

You are a guest, so put up or be more assertive and buy your own supplies if it's not good enough for you - simple.

Oh and if the loo/bathroom aren't up to your precious standards - give them a quick clean - simple.

There's always one, and I am afraid it's you!

pictish · 22/08/2015 10:07

There's always one, and I am afraid it's you!

Overall I'm inclined to agree. Mud and leaves on the floor and sandwiches for tea...heaven forbid!

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