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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt about my mum' s comment

68 replies

dreadfuldaughter · 20/08/2015 15:50

I just had a call from my mum and she upset me- though I didn't show it.
Almost 6 months ago she and my dad sent me a cheque for a landmark birthday. Let's say it was £50. It's a lot to them but not, TBH, a lot to us as a couple.
I banked it and made a point of thinking I must buy something for myself so I could tell her. This may sound odd, but I think I bought 2 pairs of earrings from a shop that is not on the high street. (clue.) I returned a pair as unsuitable and kept one pair that cost £25.
That was 6 months ago. She only asked today what I'd bought ( we don't live near to each other though I've seen her twice since my birthday) and I had to hesitate saying I think I bought the earrings. She was a bit iffy and sharp- saying 'how nice to have so much money that you don't know what you've bought with my cheque.'
Groan.
I don't actually like them giving me money because TBH we don't need it and they need it more. But she's quite old now and shopping together for something is out of the question.
I've got loads on at the moment including a legal battle with my business and this was just the last straw, being 'told off ' by my mum at my age!

OP posts:
Bellebella · 20/08/2015 15:57

To be honest if my mum had given me some money for my birthday that was a lot for her, I would have called her as soon as I bought something to say thank you again for the money I bought such and such especially since it was a big thing for them to do. So perhaps she thought you were ungrateful?

Still nothing you can do now so just forget it and you mum will get over it.

ImperialBlether · 20/08/2015 15:58

OK well I'm going to play devil's advocate here. She sent you a big cheque (for her) and you bought something, but you didn't tell her what you bought. I think that's rude, personally. I think when you bought the earrings you should have phoned her then to thank her for them. She wasn't giving you money to put in the bank; she was giving you money to buy a gift for yourself.

It's six months later and she still doesn't know what you bought.

I think you owe her an explanation and an apology, tbh.

Original poster
dreadfuldaughter · 20/08/2015 16:01

I do agree with you. I think the problem is that today is not a good day- have spent the day on the phone to lawyers over a business issue that is potentially costly so my mind is elsewhere. It was my intention when I bought the earrings to tell her /show her - in fact I half thought I HAD shown her when I was visiting, maybe not. The fact I bought 2 pairs and returned one made me think I still had some of her money to spend, and it's clean gone out of my head TBH. As I say, £25 on earrings is the last thing on my mind today. I'm not normally ungrateful, but my birthday was 6 months back.

OP posts:
Toffeewhirl · 20/08/2015 16:12

It sounds to me as if it's particularly hurtful to you because she doesn't seem to have grasped what a difficult time you're having at the moment. Unfortunately, some elderly people become very self obsessed and also obsessed with the minutae of life - my MIL is like this and my DH has simply given up telling her anything about himself or us because she isn't interested.

My Mum often sends me a cheque for my birthday. She never asks what I've bought with it and if she did and I said it fell into the hole that is our bank account, she would be fine with that.

Do you have the sort of relationship with your mum where you can tell her that she caught you off guard because of what's going on with your business, but that actually you were really grateful for the cheque and yes, you remember now that you spent it on some lovely earrings?

Pico2 · 20/08/2015 16:16

when my DDs get cash gifts 'to buy something with', I generally nominate something we've bought recently to thank them for. As long as they won't talk to each other, the same gift can be from various givers.

LadyB49 · 20/08/2015 17:25

Hmmmm... mother quite old, money a lot to them, she didn't get a thank you.... she had to ask 6 months later. She was possibly hurt at no acknowledgement, and then further hurt that you had to think about it.
Parents do have to remember that a dd grows up and that the parent does not feature in the life of the dd, to the extent that the dd will usually matter to the parent.
However, good manners are important and seemingly missing in this case. Sorry, I think you are being unreasonable.

springydaffs · 20/08/2015 17:54

She didn't know what to buy you (because you have everything?) so gave you (a lot for her) money so you could choose something special. Then had to ask you 6 months later what you bought and you hesitated, not sure. Ouch for her. BIG ouch. I'm not surprised she was cross and ticked you off, it must have really hurt her.

Regardless what you've got going on (which she may not understand, anyway, as her life may well have been much less complicated), you did fail to show her sufficient gratitude for what was, for her, a big sacrifice.

I do think you're in the wrong here - perhaps she has a point that you have so much you don't value her got. Perhaps apologise and express (find?) your gratitude for what was clearly a heartfelt gift which cost her a lot.

springydaffs · 20/08/2015 17:55

*value her gift

happystory · 20/08/2015 17:57

I can understand why she was upset. She sent you money so you could get something nice for your special birthday and so she didn't get the wrong thing. She'd like to know what it was you 'got' from them to mark the occasion. If only you'd just said 'some lovely earrings' all would have been well.

happystory · 20/08/2015 17:59

If you don't plan to see her soon take a photo of you wearing ther, and email it to her, it might make her feel better.

springydaffs · 20/08/2015 18:00

Now go out and choose something really special for £50, something she would value and appreciate, and go and show it to her asap!

FarelyKnuts · 20/08/2015 18:04

I'd be ringing back to apologise and explain she caught you off guard with the other stuff going on and tell her you were grateful just a bit thoughtless.
And next time bleddy well lie if you have to. When you get the cheque tell her you went for a nice meal or bought a top or something.
It means little to you but a lot to her!

Botanicbaby · 20/08/2015 18:06

You're saying the problem is that today is not a good day yet you purchased the earrings with the gift money 6 months ago?!

I'm mystified why you didn't thank your mother at the time once you'd bought something with the money & let her know what you got. She wanted to treat you, it was a big gesture and amount if money for her. Sorry to say I also think YABVVU here, it's coming across as thoughtless & ungrateful on your part. Just because you're having a bad day with work issues today when she phoned doesn't excuse the fact you could've mentioned the gift money ages ago.

whattodohatethis · 20/08/2015 18:17

You are being unreasonable I'm afraid.
I would be very hurt if I had given someone a lot of money and it took 6 months and me asking for me to find out what they bought.

I echo other posters, you should apologise and try to make it up to her

luckiestgirlintheworld · 20/08/2015 18:39

And what part of what she said upset you?

bodenbiscuit · 20/08/2015 18:42

I think you are being quite unreasonable, sorry. I guess she probably feels that you 'lost' the money and barely remembered it. Also, lucky you that she makes an effort. My mum bought me a packet of sweets for my 30th birthday and she is well off!

loveyoutothemoon · 20/08/2015 21:59

Your poor mum!

JeanSeberg · 20/08/2015 22:03

It's a lot to them but not, TBH, a lot to us as a couple

What a revolting thing to write, your poor parents.

Smilingforth · 20/08/2015 22:17

I understand why your DM was sad. I would be too in her circumstances.

Hepzibar · 20/08/2015 22:22

Your username is accurate, not tongue in cheek.

mrstweefromtweesville · 20/08/2015 22:27

She has nothing to offer you. She did what she could. You didn't value it, and perhaps she feels you don't value her.

Smilingforth · 20/08/2015 22:33

Perhaps call her ad say sorry?

TheFullMinty · 21/08/2015 04:12

Ouch. I can see why your Mum would be really hurt. It's been 6 months, how is your bad day today relevant?

oddfodd · 21/08/2015 06:14

Why are you hurt? What she said is factually correct. You've been pretty thoughtless

ThisIsFolkGirl · 21/08/2015 06:39

Well, £25 on earrings might not be on your mind today with your business issue, but that doesn't explain why it wasn't on your mind the day you spent it.

I'm kind of with your mum on this one. I think it does sound as though you haven't valued the money she sent you and, as the figure wasn't in the big league you're used to, you've been ungrateful of the amount she gave you. In fact, you proved it with your "not a lot to us as a couple" comment. You showed your hand with that one.