AIBU to feel hurt about my mum' s comment

[dreadfuldaughter]

I just had a call from my mum and she upset me- though I didn't show it.
Almost 6 months ago she and my dad sent me a cheque for a landmark birthday. Let's say it was £50. It's a lot to them but not, TBH, a lot to us as a couple.
I banked it and made a point of thinking I must buy something for myself so I could tell her. This may sound odd, but I think I bought 2 pairs of earrings from a shop that is not on the high street. (clue.) I returned a pair as unsuitable and kept one pair that cost £25.
That was 6 months ago. She only asked today what I'd bought ( we don't live near to each other though I've seen her twice since my birthday) and I had to hesitate saying I think I bought the earrings. She was a bit iffy and sharp- saying 'how nice to have so much money that you don't know what you've bought with my cheque.'
Groan.
I don't actually like them giving me money because TBH we don't need it and they need it more. But she's quite old now and shopping together for something is out of the question.
I've got loads on at the moment including a legal battle with my business and this was just the last straw, being 'told off ' by my mum at my age!

Unfortunately, some elderly people become very self obsessed and also obsessed with the minutae of life

Blimey. The world's changed a lot without me noticing if people being hurt by bad manners and ingratitude is being obsessed with the minutae of life!

It's a lot to them but not, TBH, a lot to us as a couple

YABU, and that sentence is especially. Also you sound as if ypu are a bit ungrateful too.

You received a cheque which was a lot for her, didn't tell her what you bought etc.

My parents would be upset too tbh and that amount of money wouldn't be an 'issue' for them. I would get a 'telling off' from my mum and rightly so.

Some of the comments here are justified, others aren't. I'm not going to pretend that the amount of money she gave me is significant- why should I? We have a good income and are comfortable ( we are 60 now) and although that is not a boast, take it like that if you wish- it's a fact. I am very generous with my parents and compared to my brother ( that's a whole other story) put a huge amount of effort into making sure she receives nice things for her birthday and Xmas.

I think it's a bit OTT for some of you to expect that at my age I'd be on the phone to my mum the minute I bought something with the birthday money. I struggle to buy things for myself TBH because I don't 'need' any more bling or whatever but felt compelled to buy something she could see rather than cosmetics or perfume. My parents come from a very poor background where they have always had to scrimp and save which is why I am now very generous with them when I can be. They have always given me cash for my birthdays for decades now and 9 times out of 10 I buy something she can 'see' and tell her. This time it slipped my mind, partly as I explained earlier because half my order was returned, so I didn't feel I'd spent all the money - and forgot to mention the 1 pair of earrings I'd kept.

I can see from the outside that it looks ungrateful, but I also think it's unfair to criticise me for pointing out that as a couple we are better off than my parents, mainly because I've worked all my life, and my mum chose not not.

YABU. My Mum will often send me a tenner for my birthday...sometimes 20 which is a lot to her. Not to me. But I will ALWAYS say how nice it is to have some money to spend just on myself with no guilt..and I always spend it immediately....this lets her know that I've enjoyed it. I then tell her or show her what I got.Usually I get makeup....and make a point of saying that I wouldn't usually get X brand but it's for my birthday etc etc.

Be nicer.

Well we didn't know you were 60 OP! Not that this has anything to do with it imo!

60 or 6 it's still nice to know your child enjoyed what you got them and you don't need to "pretend the amount is significant" you can just say "Oh how nice to spend some money without thinking of anyone else!" or something equally vague.

I am actually speechless.

No, I'm not.

At 60 you are old enough to know better.

It might not be a significant amount to you but it clearly was to her. And it was a gift so there are certain rules for that.

I don't know. Old people today have no manners!

I think the problem is it's minutiae to you, and big to her. It being a big deal for her means that in the act of giving you the money, she also gives you added hassle and stress and stuff to do – you have to buy something appropriate, remember what it was, remember to tell her etc. – when you're really busy already. Plus you don't even want or need her to give you money.

In her life, there's less going on so she wants to spend time thinking about stuff like this.

I totally get why you end up feeling resentful and annoyed when you get told off.

I get similar with MIL - she sends me a birthday cheque – and I know it is lovely and generous of her but I want to cry because she has just given me several things to do - thank you card, fit in a trip to the bank, do the shopping, remember to let her know what I bought. She has all the time in the world, so she'd have no clue how that's stressful for me.

I do the thank you card the same day, then put the shopping in my diary/to-do list as a job to do when I have a spare 10 mins. I quickly shop online (for something I wanted anyway), copy a pic of the product and email it to MIL with a quick note ("I thought I'd let you know I have treated myself to this lovely new necklace/teapot/PJs as my present from you, thanks so much etc".) This is all one "job" so I'm not left with having to remember stuff and risk forgetting and being rude.

I do sympathise though.

Op I think you might be getting a hard time here. It is hard to remember this kind of thing when you are busy. My own mum would be the first to admit that. I do think you should probably be willing to make a gesture to show you didn't mean to upset her and send her some flowers. Why not suggest that you would prefer to go out for a meal together in future rather than a gift. That way it's something you can share.

So if you're 60 your parents are presumably in their 80s? Which makes it even worse to treat them like that.

£50 is a significant amount of money, regardless of your financial situation. You could have spent it on umpteen different things - new bedding, new item of clothing, ordered in a takeaway, couple of nice bottles of wine... you get the picture, use your imagination... anything to avoid upsetting your mum's feelings.

Jesus.

Actually I think it would have taken seconds for you to say thank you for the money, I bought some earrings- and perhaps send her a photo if she uses a mobile phone.

You've obviously got worrying issues to deal with, but to be fair you've had 6 months.

If it were me I think I'd call and explain that you're sorry for sounding vague, but a) phone calls with legal advisors have meant your mind was elsewhere when you spke, and b) you thought you'd already shown her the earrings.

It might not be a lot of money or a big deal to you, but it sounds like a little bit os reassurance would make a big difference to your mother.

but I want to cry because she has just given me several things to do - thank you card, fit in a trip to the bank, do the shopping, remember to let her know what I bought. She has all the time in the world, so she'd have no clue how that's stressful for me.

Bloody hell. I've heard it all now. Somebody inconveniences you by giving you a present

Pig ignorant imo, the both of you.

This has to be a windup ,surely? Either that or you're both brats. This is so bad it's practically biblical. Your mother got it absolutely right, op. She's probably been biting her tongue for years, speechless at the brat mushrooming before her eyes.

I am a contemporary of yours OP-in fact a bit older. The fact that you are 60 makes this even less excusable. You are not a person in her 40s with several children and a full time job. You should have learned some consideration for someone who is now very elderly and probably finds her range of activities shrinking.
Many people of 60 are spending a high proportion of their time supporting very elderly parents who may not be easy to be with.
It would not have cost you much effort to show more appreciation. I'm afraid that you do sound a little self-absorbed with your "bad day".

If you don't get it, you don't get it. On a typical day I have a lot to do. I'm self-employed, time is money and just going to the bank will cost me about £15. There's also the fact that having to remember to do several things adds to stress levels. And there's also the fact that I would be totally happy not to receive the money.

I would be a brat if I whined and kvetched at my mil and acted ungrateful. I don't at all. As I posted, I've developed a system where I make sure I keep on top of what's required and keep her happy. And I am grateful that she gives me something, because I know it's well-meant.

But, it is extra work for me, that's simply a fact. Why doe I have to be happy about that? I don't.

Also, I think presents should be freely given and not conditional. Having to remember what you bought and update the person makes presents a drag. I would never do that to someone because I don't think it's fair. I know MIL requires it and so I comply, but I would never require it.

You both barefaced justify a truly foul attitude. And keep doing it, despite poster after poster's horror at your attitude; yet you blithely carry on - no one understands huh. Noone is quite as busy or quite as important. These generous, kindly, loving people are, well, tiresome. They get in the way of important you with your important life.

There's something wrong with you both that you don't get how revolting you are being imo. We're ALL busy ffs, you're not special in that.

Though you have the time to post on here, which shows you have a bit of free time should you choose. But not enough time to show basic courtesy, the very basic courtesy and gratitude, to the givers in your life; and to mither and look for sympathy that we're 60 and have been (rightfully) chided by our mummy for behaving like a brat.

It's a fundamental dignity to be able to give. She gave the best she had and you shat on it, op. It meant precisely zero to you; was in fact dull.

I think the OP is getting a hard time for this. She will have said thank you at the time for the gift (the cheque). Pointing out that she's comfortable financially makes sense because it tends to mean you have no pressing need to buy eg a new pair of shoes or a coat.

But not enough time to show basic courtesy, the very basic courtesy and gratitude, to the givers in your life

But that is exactly what I did, and what OP tried to do – and when she fell short slightly she was spoken to sharply. That's all very well, the mum was put out – but why does OP have to like it?

To say on here that you find it difficult and stressful having to take on the extra work that being given money involves, is fine. You can't help how you feel. No one is saying that to the giver.

There are often threads especially around Christmas with people being upset about relatives who just hand over money and require them to do all the choosing, wrapping etc. for their DC. Yes, it's generous. It also adds work and stress, that's all.

And yes I do find time to MN, fair point but that's because I like it. It's harder to make the effort to plough through your to-do list. However as I have said quite clearly, I do make the effort. I send a thank you card, I shop, I copy a pic, I send a thank you with the pic of what I have bought, and I show I am grateful. What's the problem there exactly? What's "revolting"?

OPs- if it's all too much for you just send the cheque back and tell our dm/mil not to send you another one ever again.

You sound fine to me BoskyCat...while I am always touched by any gift, and always grateful in return - all that stuff to do for a small amount of money is a total pain. I have no issue with you saying so! And it is easy to see how OP had her slip up too, it wasn't caused by intentional ungratefulness.

I never ever physically go to a bank anymore, so having to go especially to pay in a cheque for £25 (or whatever the gift is) to then use it for something special is totally a GROAN moment for me too. Sorry to all the perfect people who never feel this way. I am a working mother and hate to lose any minutes in the day as that impacts how early I can get home to see my chubby baby.

I get all that LHreturns and it would be a PITA for me too but no-one is making allowances for OPs mum being at least 85 and wanting to send her daughter a gift. By the time our parents get to this age most of us have to do things that aren't particularly convenient so that they continue to feel connected and part of things-and OP isn't a very busy working mother-she is 60.

Fair enough drudge ...you make your point well (and makes me feel a bit teary about all our parents).

Vile vile vile. SO vile!

so what if you are a working mother, thats your choice, however....not wanting to lose any minutes in the day as it will impact on how early you can get home to see your chubby baby...?

one day chubby baby will grow up and how will you feel if they display little or zero understanding and compassion for an older age group where giving cheques or 'paltry' sums of money IS a big deal.

just because its a pain in the arse for you to ...go to the fucking bank once in a blue moon. jesus wept.

completely agree with springydaffs, vile comments displaying little understanding of older generations and what things mean to them, instead its all ME ME ME & my shit day...ugh. Deeply unpleasant.

You've hurt your mum. Phone her and tell her how much her gift was appreciated.

This is slightly off topic but I find it a bit mind boggling that it is such a terrible hardship to drop a cheque in to the bank. Surely you just nip out for five mins in your lunch break and drop it in? Or you wait until you have some other stuff to do in town and you do them all on the same day. You don't even queue these days to make a lodgement, at least not in any of the banks I'm familiar with - they all insist that you use the self serve or fast lodgement service.