AIBU to feel hurt about my mum' s comment

[dreadfuldaughter]

I just had a call from my mum and she upset me- though I didn't show it.
Almost 6 months ago she and my dad sent me a cheque for a landmark birthday. Let's say it was £50. It's a lot to them but not, TBH, a lot to us as a couple.
I banked it and made a point of thinking I must buy something for myself so I could tell her. This may sound odd, but I think I bought 2 pairs of earrings from a shop that is not on the high street. (clue.) I returned a pair as unsuitable and kept one pair that cost £25.
That was 6 months ago. She only asked today what I'd bought ( we don't live near to each other though I've seen her twice since my birthday) and I had to hesitate saying I think I bought the earrings. She was a bit iffy and sharp- saying 'how nice to have so much money that you don't know what you've bought with my cheque.'
Groan.
I don't actually like them giving me money because TBH we don't need it and they need it more. But she's quite old now and shopping together for something is out of the question.
I've got loads on at the moment including a legal battle with my business and this was just the last straw, being 'told off ' by my mum at my age!

treacle I actually do find dropping cheques into the bank a chore. I have 2 under 2, the bank we use is a 10 min walk from the car park and I never go to town if I can help it as all shopping etc is done online. Twice in the past 2 months I've been to pay a cheque in and it's taken me at least half a day both times.
Having said that, my grandma gives me £20 every birthday and I always 'nominate' something that it has bought, even if I bought that particular item beforehand, as she likes to know its gone on something for me and not nappies for the children, for example. I will phone and say 'thank you again for the money, I bought a top I've been wanting for a while' or something like that. Last birthday I told her it paid for a babysitter so DH and I could go out for the first time together since our DD1 was born which she was really chuffed with!

You're all going to be that elderly mum one day. I hope your children treat you with a bit more respect and love than you're showing.

And fwiw I'm a self employed single working mother of a child with SEN. Do I win the pity party?

I think the issue is this.

I am also a "busy working mother". I don't have a chubby baby anymore. In fact, neither of them were ever chubby, so perhaps I'm not qualified to speak anyway... but I do have 2 children.

I never go to the bank any more and my bank is not convenient to me. On the very rare occasions I go into the town, I still don't go anywhere near the bank and quite often forget to go up there if I have a pesky cheque to deposit. And end up having to go back.

I completely get all of the issues around the inconvenience. It is tricky to fit it all in, find the time to shop for something, buy something that is worthy of a gift to report back about...

Many of us are in the same position.

However...

When someone used to send me a cheque for my birthday, I made sure that I thanked them and then wrote/called to tell them what I'd spent the money on.

If I had forgotten because I'd got caught up in life and had to be chased to find out what I'd bought (only because the giver hopes you've bought something nice) I'd have had the good grace to feel guilty about that and not be so egocentric that I could still only see it from my own perspective.

Are you unreasonable for being hurt by what she said? Yes. Because you were in the wrong, you hurt her feelings, she felt ashamed that her gift hadn't been respected regardless of its value and when you were pulled up on it, rather than apologise and just accept it, you came on here and demanded sympathy and understanding for your own hurt feelings.

If you are so hellish busy with the legals and all, how come you have time to post on MN?

I am busy but I do MN, I even posted on the MN thread about people who claim to be busy.

But I MN in spare moments while the kids are playing, in the evening or as a break when work is not busy (self-employed). That is downtime – which you need to stay sane. I also have time to have a bath, paint my toes and occasionally do my hobbies –because those things contribute to destressing me.

Having an extra chore to do like fitting in a trip to the bank isn't like that – it has to be done at times when you are really busy (work/nursery runs/lunchtime (not a thing for me, I may have time at lunch or I may not) and it's not fun, so it's on the "stuff I have to get done list"

However Ill say it again – I do do it! My suggestion to OP was for a way to get all the necessary stuff done efficiently so you don't forget and cause upset.

No one is being mean to old ladies FFS! OP had a momentary struggle to remember what she'd bought and got told off. She slipped up. It made her feel like shit because she already has a lot on her plate. This is about her feeling, which she can't help but she didn't dump them on her mum, she came here.

Having said that, when I'm that elderly mum I hope I'll be close enough to my DC to say "what would you really appreciate, let me know?" Or to remember the bak issue and do a direct bank transfer and say "spend this on whatever you like love, don't worry if it's just the shopping, I understand." That's what my departed FIL used to do so it is possible for older people. Of course he was gratefully thanked but if we forgot he wouldn't have got snippy.

Your attitude is repugnant to me Bosky. I see you were featured in an article in the guardian today

www.theguardian.com/culture/2015/aug/22/wealth-makes-you-obnoxious-bridget-christie

OK, but you haven't answered my points or explained why it is so awful to:

• go to bank and pay in cheque
• send thank you card
• shop for thing
• send pic of thing with enthusiastic thank you note
• thereby keeping MIL happy and feeling appreciated

• and also find it a bit stressful to fit in all that extra stuff to do and kind of wish I didn't have to. That's not narcissistic entitlement – particularly as, as both OP and I have said, we didn't want the money. I would be quite happy if MIL just sent me a card, or even nothing. I don't expect anything at all. I would never have a hissy fit about it, I would never let her know I'd rather not be sent a cheque.

I know what that article is saying and I agree with Bridget Christie. However I'm not that person. I'm always nice to waiters, bus drivers, hospital staff etc etc. I do say no to my DC and teach them manners. Etc.

It's all very well repeatedly slagging me off for being revolting and repugnant, but what have I done? Merely had the feeling "I wish I didn't have to go through this rigmarole". Which enables me to feel empathy with OP. But I don't ACT on that feeling by being rude or behaving ungratefully.

My suggestion to OP was NOT "tell your mum to stick her £50 where the sun don't shine, the selfish bitch". It was how to keep on top of the expectations generated by the gift in a quick and efficient way that would keep her mum happy.

Before you slag me off again, could you explain clearly what is wrong with that.

I wouldn't know where to start - perhaps others could help out here bcs I'm so seriously pissed off this has got right under my skin. I actually had to leave the thread yesterday i felt so choked up. It's a heart problem from where I'm standing, to be devoid of all grace is just... well, I'm speechless, I can't find the words. Perhaps you've never had no money you just don't get how special that gift was - the £50 especially - which came from the heart, it cost so much. To say "I don't need it, don't bother" about a gift from the heart is just horrible, foul.

You also doth protest rather a lot Bosky.

I think that you should have phoned to say thank you as soon as you got the money.

How far away are your parents?

Why didn't you take them out for a meal for your birthday to stop them spending on you?

I get the 'inconvenience' element of it.

For me, the issue was the OP being so dismissive. The subtext was that, had the value of the cheque been greater, it might have been worth her while.

It was also the fact that rather than just realise she'd been a little thoughtless and apoligise, she came on here asking if she'd been unreasonable to be hurt by her mum's comment. The general consensus is that she was.

I do understand that it's not always easy to do the right thing, but you do it. And if you don't and someone pulls you up on it, you just accept iit with good grace.

It sounds to me more like the OP isn't used to being in the wrong, and doesn't like it

Here you go then....this crystallises it for me... "That's not narcissistic entitlement – particularly as, as both OP and I have said, we didn't want the money. I would be quite happy if MIL just sent me a card, or even nothing. I don't expect anything at all."

You or the OP may not have wanted/needed the money, no.

But it's not just about what you want is it? The OPs mother wanted to give the money, it was a significant sum to her. I don't think she's expecting the OP to get on her knees thanking her profusely. It's really not difficult to see whose behaviour has been selfish, unthinking and ungrateful here.

Rather than think of the impact upon yourself, why not think about the other persons feelings first?

Bosky you are fine. This thread is just one of those nasty examples of MN group ganging up. Forget about it and stop reading the thread.

A unanimous opinion is ganging up?

A unanimous opinion is ganging up?

This

Rather than think of the impact upon yourself, why not think about the other persons feelings first?

aaaaaarrrrrgggghhh I DID. I DO.

You're right LH and thanks. Will be off now. But OP, I still empathise.

A unanimous opinion is ganging up?

Seconded

Post a cheque. 60p rip off job done.

Would the op find it a chore to bank a cheque if it was for £50000 rather than £50?