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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how would you feel if you discovered your husband was seeing someone else when you met?

65 replies

SummerRain1 · 18/08/2015 09:51

I'm not sure how to feel to be honest.

My phone broke yesterday so I have to use an old phone until my husband fixes it. It just so happens to be the phone my husband had when we met.

I found text messages on there between my husband and his sister. The messages are dated shortly after we got together but before I had met his family. The messages are basically about my husband seeing his sisters best friend and how happy she was they were getting together. Then messages a while after, once I had met the family, basically having a go at him saying she can't believe he is with me and how dare he do that to her friend.

I haven't said anything to my husband but it's made me feel sad. especially since my husband has been avoiding this girl like the plague throughout our relationship. He told me he just didn't like her. know I know different.

do I say anything or just ignore it?
I would have never have started a relationship with him had I have known.

We are married with a baby so I don't want to break up but I feel I have been lied to.

OP posts:
magoria · 18/08/2015 13:06

Wow that is a little of an over reaction.

Sounds to me like he has something to hide or feels guilty about and so is going massively on the attack.

goddessofsmallthings · 18/08/2015 13:19

The reason why he's lied over this and other old flames may be because the liaisons ended badly due to him being something of a stud muffin who loved them and left them in short order.

SusanHollander · 18/08/2015 13:20

To go out on a limb and think from your husbands PoV, he may have been scared to jeopardise what you had. When I met my DH (10 years ago now!) I was an emotional wreck having left an abusive relationship etc. Whenever I heard a sniff of a previous girlfriend I'd be a basket case for days. It was awful for both of us. Therefore anything he kept back then, I would understand it as I had a tendency to obsess....which was a product of being with a lying, cheating, abusive twerp for a year. Even after being married for 4 years I found letters to an ex and had a wobble....his dad found them in the loft, gave the, back, and DH gas bunged them in a cupboard to dispose of but I foubd them whilst looking for something.

Obviously I've no idea if that's the case but I would want to keep my DH away from my exes and I can see why he'd keep me away from his, it's just not helpful, nothing sinister, it just causes aggravation.

I'm surprised by how cross your DH has got although it's not necessarily sinister, he may just want to forget that part of his life altogether.

NicoleWatterson · 18/08/2015 13:23

I had exactly the Same thing, just had a baby and found out he had been seeing someone at the start of our relationship. I felt distraught.
I spoke to friends they said I was silly, he'd picked me. But it didn't stop the hurt.
I think a lot of men don't do truly single so crossovers are common.
We talked, he apologised said he finished it the moment we got together properly. I believe him although I'm unimpressed they are still Facebook friends.

Your husbands reaction seems extreme, Id take some comfort in the pissed off messages from his sister though

Original poster
SummerRain1 · 18/08/2015 13:23

and now he is acting like nothing just happened and is chatting about dinner Confused

what he did before he got with me is none of my business or concern. but the lies he has told me since we have been together are.

I'm starting to think it's more lies because it has gone from "I was never with her, ever" to "it was just a bit of fun" back to "I've never been witg her"

OP posts:
SusanHollander · 18/08/2015 13:24
  • also if he has cheated in the past on someone that his sister knows about or similar he may fear telling you in case you assume he's done it again but this time you are the one he's cheated on. I know a lot of people say 'once a cheater' but I dont actually believe that to be the case, people can change and it's horrible being reminded of past mistakes if you've done your best to be straight as an arrow.
SusanHollander · 18/08/2015 13:25

Ah. More is being dripfed now. Perhaps I've defended him a bit too quickly OP......

Babycham1979 · 18/08/2015 15:43

OP, take a look at the online dating threads on here and you'll see that 99.9% of posters are seeing multiple men at any one time, sometimes just the once, sometimes multiple times.

I don't think any of them see themselves as cheaters, they're just testing the market and seeing which one they prefer. Surely, your DH was doing the same and he chose you. Be flattered. and stop making a fuss about nothing.

CalleighDoodle · 18/08/2015 16:39

Hang on, you said it wasnt physical. So what is it then?

brokenhearted55a · 18/08/2015 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 18/08/2015 17:18

Why are you phoning your husband about this rather than talking to him face to face?
If it was only shortly after you got together then it doesn't seem that big a deal to me.
You both seem to be over reacting.
My main concern would be that he hadn't told me it was his sister's best friend which may have affected how I handled his sister early in the relationship, not that he'd overlapped relationships as I did that when young.
Depends how long you've been married for really. If married 20 years then a 2-3 week overlap when he was just trying out the new relationship seems insignificant to me although many mumsnetters are very all or nothing about this.

Original poster
SummerRain1 · 18/08/2015 17:23

As I've said before, I don't care what his relationship was with this person it's the lies that bother me. Every time there is an old flame about instead of saying they are an ex he will say it's someone else and tell me that they are crazy or obsessed with him or simular.

I just want him to be able to tell me who someone is instead of going to great lengths of trying to hide it. I just think it's weird.

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 18/08/2015 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklestein · 18/08/2015 18:08

Does he lie about other things?

People who lie habitually tend to lie when they don't need to.

Original poster
SummerRain1 · 18/08/2015 18:21

Yes there have been lies about other things but I dare not say anything or more posters will moan about drip feeding Hmm

it seems these days on MN you must put every snippet of information in the op (even before conversations take place) or else you must be a troll.

Once again thanks everyone for your help.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 18/08/2015 18:25

The unnecessary lying would bother me, but it's hard to know if he lies about women in the past because you get very upset about them. It sounds like you phoned him at work about his sister's friend rather than waiting for him to come home and you asked a bunch of strangers about it before discussing it with him, although many mumsnet posts are like that.
Agree whether it's just exes or other stuff he lies about is relevant here. Maybe he needs to be more honest about exes but maybe you need to accept they are in the past and irrelevant now.
It sounds as though you don't trust him.
If you've previously calmly discussed who you went out with in the past and he lied then I'd be concerned. If my husband (who slept around less than me before we got together) suddenly turned out to have 10 exes he'd lied about having in the past when I thought we'd had frank discussions about our past I'd wonder what he was playing at and why he hadn't just told me.

Original poster
SummerRain1 · 18/08/2015 18:46

2rebecca that I'd my point. We have talked calmly in the past about exs. and low and behold they were all lies.
He wanted to know everything about me. The names of all my ex's, length of relationships, the last person I slept with before him etc. I answered hom in honesty. I didn't know why he wanted to know all those things but I'm not going to lie about it. I asked him similar questions, as you do in conversations and it has all been lies.

I doubt he is scared of telling me because of how I'd react. I'm honestly not like that.

and the reason I came to mumsnet was to ask for opinions. The main opinion is I have nothing to be upset about so I'm trying to draw a line in the sand

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 18/08/2015 18:51

I think the lies are a bigger problem than if he was technically still dating someone when you met - although the two things are related.

It's impossible to be in a relationship with a liar because you can never trust anything they say. You don't even know who he is if nothing he said about his exes is true.

What's he got to hide?

2rebecca · 18/08/2015 18:57

I think the reason people don't like drip feeds is that it often reveals that the question that should have been asked and the answers that would have then been given are completely different to those in the first post.
Your problem isn't with a husband who never told you about a particular relationship overlap when you started dating but with a husband who repeatedly lies about his past relationships and possibly other aspects of his past and present as well. That is much more concerning. You can't move forward until he recognises that this is what he does and he has a problem with unnecessary casual lying.
If he won't do this you have to decide whether or not you want to be with someone who you can't trust and who doesn't value the truth or recognise the truth.

AnyFucker · 18/08/2015 18:59

Summer, I am not sure how you have drawn the conclusion "you have nothing to be upset for" from your thread Confused

lots of people have questioned his integrity and wondered why he had such an OTT reaction to you asking perfectly reasonable questions

BathtimeFunkster · 18/08/2015 18:59

He's a habitual liar.

You are allowed to think that's a shit kind of person to be married to.

Because it is.

Of course it matters that he cheated on you at the start of your relationship, that he grilled you about all your exes, that he has never been honest with you about his own, that he lost his shit because you uncovered his cheating and tried to blame it on you.

Do you trust this man?

He doesn't sound like someone worth trusting with the key to your shed.

brokenhearted55a · 18/08/2015 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greenlandrover · 18/08/2015 20:19

Maybe he's being defensive because he's embarrassed rather than guilty for being 'caught out'? - because unless you were both in a mutually agreed exclusive relationship at the time, it isn't unusual for people to be dating several at once until they decide who to choose.

The jumpy reaction from him isn't pleasant. I get the same when I ask my DP about his ex, or if I ask how often they chat on the phone or communicate. I'll never know and it's an issue for me.

Defensiveness comes from somewhere though otherwise it would be laughed off. 'Yeah I was sort of seeing her but it was nothing serious, and you were growing on me, and I chose you'. That would be a good enough explanation for me.

BathtimeFunkster · 18/08/2015 20:27

because unless you were both in a mutually agreed exclusive relationship at the time

They were.

Jengnr · 18/08/2015 20:34

Lying about exes when there is no reason to + excessive questioning ifvyou + over the top reaction to you asking him about = very very dodgy to me. If I were you at the very least I'd be doing some digging.