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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how would you feel if you discovered your husband was seeing someone else when you met?

65 replies

SummerRain1 · 18/08/2015 09:51

I'm not sure how to feel to be honest.

My phone broke yesterday so I have to use an old phone until my husband fixes it. It just so happens to be the phone my husband had when we met.

I found text messages on there between my husband and his sister. The messages are dated shortly after we got together but before I had met his family. The messages are basically about my husband seeing his sisters best friend and how happy she was they were getting together. Then messages a while after, once I had met the family, basically having a go at him saying she can't believe he is with me and how dare he do that to her friend.

I haven't said anything to my husband but it's made me feel sad. especially since my husband has been avoiding this girl like the plague throughout our relationship. He told me he just didn't like her. know I know different.

do I say anything or just ignore it?
I would have never have started a relationship with him had I have known.

We are married with a baby so I don't want to break up but I feel I have been lied to.

OP posts:
ShitHappens1 · 18/08/2015 09:54

When dating, many people date more than one person at once. It's you he chose. I don't really see the issue. When I was online dating, I was dating 3-4 people at a time.

CalleighDoodle · 18/08/2015 09:54

It sounds like he had recently started seeing this other woman, met you, chose you and left her. Nothing to worry about. (Yet. Waiting for dripfeed of it went on for months).

Original poster
SummerRain1 · 18/08/2015 09:55

Just to clarify we were not dating. We were in a relationship.

OP posts:
LineyRunner · 18/08/2015 09:56

Do you feel he was cheating on you?

CoolAs10Fonzies · 18/08/2015 09:58

I would mention it to him tbh. In a kind of joking way.

"DH, I had no idea you were such a stud when we met, 2 women at once...my my!"

then see what he says.

I don't think this is something you should hold against him. He has avoided this woman whilst you have been together - he made his choice.

Original poster
SummerRain1 · 18/08/2015 10:06

I don't think he pshyically cheated on me. It's the lies I have a problem with. He told me he hadn't been seeing anyone for over a year prior to meeting me. I already knew he lied about that because an ex came out of the woodwork when we got engaged and she wasn't happy he had moved on. I just don't understand why he can't be honest about it. I mean what's the point in lying? its the same when we bump into someone and he'll tell me it's someone his brother is friends with but it turns out it's an ex. why lie? its not a crime to be civil with an ex

OP posts:
LineyRunner · 18/08/2015 10:13

Yes, I can see that it's the lies that would bother you most. If his motive is to protect you, then protect you from what? He is projecting emotions on to you that you wouldn't necessarily feel.

I would be quite concerned about this too, if I were in your shoes. I guess I would talk it through and explain my feelings, see where that got us.

FredaMayor · 18/08/2015 10:15

I think DH will resist talking about this if he can, because he has already tried to shut down conversation about that time in his life. The reason for that could be that his relationships weren't quite straightforward, as borne out by SIL's attitude to him. On the other hand, he chose you and avoids the exGF. I would not worry too much about your discovery, even if you're curious, if it was before your time it's old history.

FredaMayor · 18/08/2015 10:16

PS. A lot of men do this.

SamJohnsonsBoy · 18/08/2015 10:21

I think your DH is worried about how you would take the news about his other relationships. He's not giving you the full story because he does not want to risk what he has with you.

And I agree with Freda's PS - certainly I did/do this with my DW and I know other men who take the same line.

At the end of the day, he went out with them - he married you. That's a hell of a big difference.

Original poster
SummerRain1 · 18/08/2015 10:27

Maybe IABU to be upset then. Thanks everyone

OP posts:
InTheBox · 18/08/2015 10:37

Freda It wasn't before her time. It was in fact during and it wasn't even at the dating stage, OP has said they were at the time in a relationship.

Fwiw, I think he thought he was protecting you out of a misguided belief. I would ask him about it and take it from there. It's really nothing to read him the riot act over but certainly express that you'd rather he just told the truth - especially r.e. bumping into people you later discover to be an ex or whatever. Tell what you've said here, it's the lies that cause the damage.

ExConstance · 18/08/2015 10:45

What is the difference between "dating" and "in a relationship"? When DH and I met we were both seeing other people and decided we preferred each other. I was sort of considering living with my then boyfriend and DH had got together with someone he had fancied for ages. Upon meeting DH and I realised quickly ( we were on holiday) that we were destined to be together and ended our then current relationships. I always followed my mother's advice which was that 6 months was long enough to know if a relationship would work and that until you were engaged it was quite OK to see whoever you wanted. I have been very happily married for 31 years and 1 day.

Smilingforth · 18/08/2015 10:47

I think you need to have an open conversation. Different people have different views on when a relationship initially starts

InTheBox · 18/08/2015 10:51

until you were engaged it was quite OK to see whoever you wanted

I think this is the first time something on the Relationships board has made me actually laugh out loud.

LineyRunner · 18/08/2015 10:54

I'm not engaged to my OH and I would be devastated if he 'saw' someone else.

ShitHappens1 · 18/08/2015 12:25

until you were engaged it was quite OK to see whoever you wanted

Utter bollocks.

ShitHappens1 · 18/08/2015 12:25

Formatting fail Smile

shovetheholly · 18/08/2015 12:30

I think he should have been honest with you from the start. However, the depth of the betrayal depends a bit on how clear the lines were at the time you are speaking of. You say that you were 'in a relationship', but that can mean a million different things to a million different people. If you were both explicit that this was exclusive, then I think it's a bit of a bigger deal than if it was a bit hazy.

I understand how you feel. My DH was seeing someone else right before he met me (though there wasn't an overlap) and when I found out the proximity I felt a bit uncomfortable. It wasn't a big deal for me, though, because there hadn't even been an expression of interest at that stage, let alone anything more! I'm just a bit old fashioned Smile.

Only1scoop · 18/08/2015 12:32

I would feel hurt that they had lied to me and to be honest probably would doubt other area of his honesty as well.

Not keen on liars

sarahsnail · 18/08/2015 12:39

If it makes you feel better maybe have a word with him on why he never told you.
But for me I wouldn't be raking up the past and getting worked up about it. I know both my husband and I were dating someone else when we first started to get together, it was a blurred line on if we were actually in a "relationship" or not at first.

Maybe he lied back then because he knew it was you he wanted and didn't want to risk telling you he was dating someone else? I mean would you have got together with him if he told you this at the time?

Original poster
SummerRain1 · 18/08/2015 12:57

Yes we were definitely exclusive, we had had that conversation.

I mentioned it to him about an hour ago on the phone. Just a breezy conversation along the lines of "oh by the way I didn't know you were seeing so and so when we met" and all hell has broken loose Hmm

he's now shouting at me that it's none of my business, he doesn't have to tell me every detail of his life etc. I have calmly told him that indeed he doesn't have to tell me every derail of his life but I'd rather he be honest with me in future. I said that I don't want to argue I just want him to understand I don't appreciate him lying about certain things and please don't do it. Now he won't stop shouting about how he is faithful and had never cheated over and over again.

I've told him I know he hasn't cheated but he won't shut up about cheating now ffs.

This is why I don't like lies it just causes so much unnecessary angst.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/08/2015 13:01

hmm, that sounds rather like someone protesting too much

is he always such an "attack as form of defence" merchant ?

InTheBox · 18/08/2015 13:01

This is classic distraction. He flies of the handle so now your efforts are focused on calming him down and acquiescing. The focus now turns from what he did to 'how he's never cheated' and is angry with you for believing something that you never actually said in the first place.

Let him be angry and get over himself then talk to him calmly about it. The fact that you don't like it as it causes so much unnecessary angst is exactly his aim.

grumpasaur · 18/08/2015 13:05

Op for what it's worth, I actually do think it's a big deal!!!!

I did the same thing in the first six weeks of my relationship with my now DH. The 'crossover' ex was abusive and it wasn't until my now DH that I was able to finally get out.

I tried to not say anything but I felt like I was lying to DH, so told him shortly after the fact. He didn't like it but appreciated my honesty and the complexity of the situation, and both of is still see it as cheating.

I would be pretty hurt if what you are saying is true: that you had the exclusive chat and were 'together' and he was sleeping with this other lady!