Please help me understand my Mum

[justaskingabout]

Can anyone help me identify what is really going on with my Mum. I feel quite bad about posting this because I love my Mother but I want to just get some feedback about what's really going on here.

Also as a disclaimed, I am temporarily living with my Mum right now, and I realise this is a really bad idea and that I need to move and that she is doing me a favour putting a roof over my head with DS but my husband just left and I had nowhere else to go.

What I really wanted was some reasons or support or suggestions for coping with all of this.

When I was a child my Mum was half lovely and half awful. Lovely in a lot of ways but I was terrified of her too. She was always angry. She hated my Dad and complained to the kids all the time about how she hated him and wished he was dead and all sort of scary things. She was always upset or ragingly angry about "mess" and the house and complainign about being a Mum. She calls herself "Cinderella" (and still does).

I grew up with a permanent knot in my stomach, always walking on eggsells, always scared to touch anything in the house, move anything, put fingerprints on something. She ironed our UNDERPANTS. I mean, we weren't allowed to touch or clothes or toys or anything. Nor have friends over. It was like she wanted everything to be untouched and if you messed it up she'd be angry, or cry or generally make you feel awful.

I left home as soon as I could at 16.

So anyway, fast forward and I have been forced to live with her for a little while, getting back on my feet.

I have one DS, aged 11, and in a lot of ways she has been amazing. She wants to do stuff with DS like go for walks and coffees, she comes to school things, we watch movies and have Mum and Daughter giggles.

But she is so controlling.

everything has to be done her way on her schedule. For example, laundry has to be done the same day, washed, ironed and back in the closet. I am scared to cook, scared to shop, scared to do anything really.

I am also constantly telling DS to stay in his room because she gets in these moods and all she does is shout at him exactly like she did at me. All you can hear all day is her screaming from one room that there's a fingerprint on something.

She also insists that he can't get anything -not even a drink of water -in case he makes a mess. So what she does is gets him a drink of water then shouts at me that she is having to do my job as a mother.

This morning is a prime example. I woke up and told him I'd take him out for breakfast and I got in the shower. When I got out, I heard her saying "your mother didn;t give you breakfast? Well obviously I am the only one who cares" and she gave him two croissants and then did not speak to me for the rest of the day ecause she had to give him breakfast.

All she does is complain about the things she "does for me", when most of the time those things are interfering and ruin my plans for the day and instead of telling her to fuck off I have to apologise to her for her doing something "for me" that I did not want her to do!

I work from home in a VERY busy and hard job that I am trying to do well at to save to move out and during my workign day she decides out of nowhere she wants to spring clean the house and if I don't drop everything, cancel my work for that day and do it -I am in the doghouse and she is crying and calling herself Cinderella.

I also know she phones family members and tells them I don't do anything and she has to do everything for me and complains about me, when really all I do is try and follow and her wishes to a tee, down to what I eat and where I go 24 hours a day.

If I lose it, she cries. She sits there sobbing about how hard her life is and that she is going to die of a heart attack and then I feel guilty.

All she ever dos is complain about her life, my Dad, her house, her work. Literally everything is so awful for her when I am currently...

1. Dumped by DH for another woman
2. Left without roof and needing to share a bedroom with my 11 year old
3. Devastated by the above
4. Walking on eggshells 24 hours a day.

She doesn;t seem to care about me at all, and also didn't when I was a child because everything was about her and what she wanted and when she wanted it and yet she somehow comes off as a martyr in it all because she genuinely is always cookign and cleaning and doing things for people but I don't want her to and never did.

I'd much rather have had a Mum that played with me or talked to me.

I can't ever even go out and see friends. She says she will babysit, but if I go out she won't talk to me for a couple of weeks and I know she rins all my aunts and family to say how cheeky I am for going out.

What is the deal here? I just don't know what this is and she is obviously so unhappy.

Thanks all.

Bosky I think that's right. I think the truth is she just doesn't actually care about me as a human being. Not in the way I care about her or I care about people.

I think that's just basically it, isn't it?

She doesn't care if I am happy, how hard or easy my life is, how I feel or what is important to me. All she cares about is what I can do for her. how happy I cna make her.

And I am not much use to her right now, am I? Just a burden.

A lot like when I was little really.

My real appeal is when I am in my own place, on the end of the phone for her to moan at, getting present for her, doing things for her, visiting when she is lonely, being her best friend which is what she likes.

She doesn't like the other stuff eh.

She won't be sitting there now for even a second wondering how I feel, feling bad for all I have been through and what it might feel like to be homeless and so stuck and so lost. It won't even occur to her to actually try and empathize with that.

All she sees is herself and that is all she has ever seen or will ever see.

I feel pretty hideous right now. Dad took DS out to visit my brother and his kids thankfully, so I'm still in my pajamas hiding out in my room while she is clattering about as loudly and aggressively as she can.

No doubt she will have sent texts and called everyone she knows to slag me off, about how ungrateful I am, aout how I expect her to mother my child for me, about how old and worn out she is.

What a load of total and utter bull shit.

I'll take the day to mope and cry and then tomorrow I will get me and DS out of this situation and after that she can fuck off.

She can totally and utterly fuck off, because it was bad enough being made to feel like a burden my entire life. Why the fuck am I always trying to please and make happy someone who is never happy and who wants to see me unhappy.

Well in answer to your last question, parents/mums like this train you as a child to meet their needs and be constantly feeling guilty about your own. You grew up with that, and it becomes ingrained, so it takes a long time to question it and see it clearly.

If you haven't read it before, you might find the book Toxic Parents really helpful. Another book I love and that has really helped me is A Woman In Your Own Right by Anne Dickson.

It really helps just reading about how these things work and other people's experiences. A Woman In Your Own Right is great for helping you learn to stand up for yourself calmly without getting upset.

Really glad you're planning to leave – I think just having that plan will help you feel better.

Better wait until I leave to order that book!

I got a few on getting over heratbreak and divorce and when she saw them she sniffed and said "are you still upset about that".

There may well be some element of stressed 'can't take the responsibility' in what she's doing - ie she perceives that you are back to being a child and she's responsible for you again - but that makes not a blind bit of difference to your situation right now. Whatever it takes, just get out as you're planning to do. Anything else about this situation can be dealt with, if necessary, at a later stage and from a distance when you and DS are secure. I'd start getting on the phone this afternoon if you can.

Hmm....I don't think so.

When I wasn't living with her and told her DH had left she "couldn't take it". Even me being left by my husband was all about her and most inconvenient.

I don't tink it's that she doesn't want physical responsibility. It's like she doesn't want anything at all that is less than pleasant for her.

And she was always like that. I can't remember ever going to her with a problem. It'd be the equivalent of going to my son with a problem. It's just not her department.

One lovely bi-product of when I argue with her, is that it's the only time she is nie to my Dad. So they are all friendly and lovely to each other right now which saves me:

a) listening to her bitching at him all day
b) listening to her bitching to me about him all day

In fact the more I think about it, her not tlaking to me is actually a relief. My room is a complete mess and I have left it like that without her complaining at me. I will also eat and drink whatever I want whenever I want instead of having to eat what she says when she says and I don't have to listen to her for probably 72 hours.

She will also try and be extra nice to DS so she can prove that I am the awful person, so no doubt she'll take him out for coffee and cake and badmouth me.

Luckily even at 11 with SN, my DS knows she's bonkers.

I wouldn't try to analyze it until you're out at the very least - and only if it's helpful to you. Concentrate all your mental energies on leaving at the moment is my recommendation.

That's such a horrible email to get. When you get a place please leave her off. Don't waste any energy on her. Is there no one else you could stay with. I really would love you to be out of there today. As someone said it's enough to put knots in anyone's stomach. I do hope you get sorted soon.

This is no situation for your DS to be in! What a mindfuck.Could you be eligible for housing association/council housing?

I wasn't when I asked Oslo. I think because I was moving into the Borough. I can probably go to them now and ask for help again and see what they say.

I've got such a mssive pressure headache today I can't really think straight.

Mum's gone out with my aunts, no doubt to badmouth me.

My brother can do no wrong by the way. Even though he's a total dick.

My brother...

1. Slept with my other brother's long term girlfriend
2. Ripped my Mum off financially.
3. Has been to prison TWICE
4. Had an affair really brutally and had an awful divorce and treated his ex wife like dirt
5. Embezled from the family business and was a large part of the reason my Dad lost it all.
6. Is absolutely selfish beyond belief and dumps his kids and responsbilities on my Mum constantly.
7. Ripped me off financially and if he'd not done that I'd be a wealthy woman now.

He is the most amazing nacrissist. He literally charms the pants off everyone. Everyone says what a lovely man he is. My parents knew he ripped me off and did nothing. They told me not to talk about horrible things.

He comes round here, lays on the sofa with his feet up, tells his kids to go ad ask Granny if they want anything and they run around screaming. While my Mum tells me to do it.

She absolutely kisses his arse. Nothing is too much trouble and she constantly tells me how hard he has it and if I "pick on him" he will become ill (same as her!!!!)

He lives in a 5 bedroom house in the best part of London with an Audia A6 convertible, A BMW convertible, has a boat too and he got rich through ripping me off (we started a business together and he took it all) in a way that was so bad I was told at the time by a solicitor I could have had him actually incarcerated for his actions which were criminal fraud.

I walked away with nothing just to relieve the headache. Has anyone every tried to reason with a true narcissist?

He absolutely twists every word you say.

Her childhood may have conditioned her to think that 'men can do no wrong' - I mean really believe it to the point of not even seeing how bad someone's behaviour is. Iy happens.

But that's semi-analysis. For later - and only if essential for you.

Seh's nevr be violent no. Just emotional punishment.

Being skint and it's school holidays makes it harder. I also have to work so it's hard.

My son is amazing. If nothing else I know the cycle is broken and he;s had a normal childhood.

Even with the divoce and his own Dad leaving he's never had to feel this way.

Oh just (and other posters with thiskind of 'd'm) I am so very sorry you are enduring this

I agree with pps ^ stately homes thread is a revelation. So many families with a similar dynamic - narc dm, df keeping quiet or just agreeing with narc. Child who tries desperately to please everyone, a favorite child who treats everyone like shit but is adored. It makes me so sad. I literally don't know how people cope with this.

Just - you are grieving your huge loss and massive life changes, that would be enough to break some people, but to cope with this too... you are doing so well and ds sounds delightful. Also I wouldn't take it for granted that others don't see through her. They may not say it, but I bet a lot of them have suspicions.

Hope you get out soon.
X

Hope tomorrow you get up and get out. There is nothing like REALLY needing to move to give you the mojo to get a place of your own. What about ringing some places this evening?

narc dm, df keeping quiet or just agreeing with narc. Child who tries desperately to please everyone, a favorite child who treats everyone like shit but is adored.

Paula.....really????? Is this a thing????

Yes just, I've been on some really interesting threads about this where the favoured child is often called the "golden child" and the other is the scapegoat. It's definitely a phenomenon.

Oh God I just googled it and it's a thing!!!!!!!

I don't mean to pick at a scab, but is there anything you can do to sue your brother? I understand that at times we just need to walk away regardless of the cost, but in this case, could there be money (even a little) in it for you? If you aren't sure, I'd think it may be worth a visit for a free consultation with a solicitor. I doubt if you'd want to do anything whilst you're still living there, and you certainly can't bank on anything, but it's a thought. It may help turn that rented 1 bedroom flat into a downpayment on a 2 bedroom flat.

And just in case you're worried about how your mother will react, well, how much worse could it get? She cuts you off with no contact? Would that really be such a bad thing? You owe her AND your brother no loyalty.

Have you thought about counselling once you're out of this environment, just ?

I know! I was horrified. I have been spending way too much time on here (Ill so not at work, waiting for operation, recovering from operation) and I have seen so many similar stories on stately homes. Actually really makes me sad. I don't have my mum anymore, but she was lovely - and I'm still totally fucked up . Massive respect to people who break that cycle

I still legally own 25% of my brothers, very successful, business which I started with him.

I have never seen a profit / loss report for company accounts, he refuses to show me. the second time he was in prison was the first time I ever had access or knowledge of the company bank accounts and some of things he had done were direct fraud and theft.

I have never seen a single cent in dividends while he lives like a king.

No, I’d never do anything about it. Have you ever tried to deal with a swarm of narcissists? It's like trying to build a house out of melted chocolate and when I was involved in it years ago I suferred severe anxiety issues to the point of developing a fear of public spaces etc.

If he was a brother, or even an ethical human being, he should be looking at my situation right now saying, hey, I owe you 10 years of profit share! But he won’t because he doesn’t give a shit.

What is HIGHLY amusing is that he offered to loan me money!!!! He’d love to do that because it would be so wonderful, He’d get to lord it over me, get praise for how amazing he was and he would tell everyone (and I mean everyone - he would annouce it publically and on Facebook and make a speech at family parties) that he had single handledly got me back on my feet and everyone would say how wonderful he was, what a kind heart he had and how lucky I was to have such an amazing brother.

Imagine the sheer ridiculousness of someone offering to loan you £5,000 money when they owed you about £500,000 or more and because they are a narc lunatic they are pretending that’s not happening.

He will honestly sit there and argue the sky is green.

No, I’d never do anything about it and made a decision long ago to walk away. My Dad stays out of it, but he is aware how unfair it is and has told me that those shares legally belong to me and one day the company will be sold or passed down and I will eventually benefit from it.

The first business he started with my Dad went bankrupt with Dad’s savings to boot. The second one he started with me is very successful but he pushed me out of it with his insane behavior which my parents supported.

When I say insane...I do mean quite literally insane. He would hire pretty girls he met in bars and put them on a salary bigger than mine. If I complained, he would devalue me publically and play mental mind games. He is formidable. Evil actually.

So sorry about your Mum Paula and I hope you have a speedy recovery xxxx

If you truly want to walk away from that, just, but at the same time see a certain amount of justice done, why not donate your share of the business to a charity - preferably a large one? Those guys grind very small indeed - or rather their (frequently) pro-bono lawyers do on their behalf - and they'll know all the twists and turns of the financial world. Forever.

If I were in your position, I don't see how I could resist doing that, frankly.

I can't donate or do anything with it. He won't even give me my shares! He pretends I haven't got them. It's so weird!

He may be able to pretend to you but I doubt he would be able to pretend to lawyers or HMRC. I'd think of a charity you like and phone them this week: explain your situation - slightly tearfully but not too tearfully - and say that you'd like to donate your share of the business for reason XXXXXXXX but that you're not sure how to go about it because.......' Odds are that you'll be passed up the line so quickly you'll leave your knickers behind in mid-air. But it's worth a try even if not.