Please help me understand my Mum

[justaskingabout]

Can anyone help me identify what is really going on with my Mum. I feel quite bad about posting this because I love my Mother but I want to just get some feedback about what's really going on here.

Also as a disclaimed, I am temporarily living with my Mum right now, and I realise this is a really bad idea and that I need to move and that she is doing me a favour putting a roof over my head with DS but my husband just left and I had nowhere else to go.

What I really wanted was some reasons or support or suggestions for coping with all of this.

When I was a child my Mum was half lovely and half awful. Lovely in a lot of ways but I was terrified of her too. She was always angry. She hated my Dad and complained to the kids all the time about how she hated him and wished he was dead and all sort of scary things. She was always upset or ragingly angry about "mess" and the house and complainign about being a Mum. She calls herself "Cinderella" (and still does).

I grew up with a permanent knot in my stomach, always walking on eggsells, always scared to touch anything in the house, move anything, put fingerprints on something. She ironed our UNDERPANTS. I mean, we weren't allowed to touch or clothes or toys or anything. Nor have friends over. It was like she wanted everything to be untouched and if you messed it up she'd be angry, or cry or generally make you feel awful.

I left home as soon as I could at 16.

So anyway, fast forward and I have been forced to live with her for a little while, getting back on my feet.

I have one DS, aged 11, and in a lot of ways she has been amazing. She wants to do stuff with DS like go for walks and coffees, she comes to school things, we watch movies and have Mum and Daughter giggles.

But she is so controlling.

everything has to be done her way on her schedule. For example, laundry has to be done the same day, washed, ironed and back in the closet. I am scared to cook, scared to shop, scared to do anything really.

I am also constantly telling DS to stay in his room because she gets in these moods and all she does is shout at him exactly like she did at me. All you can hear all day is her screaming from one room that there's a fingerprint on something.

She also insists that he can't get anything -not even a drink of water -in case he makes a mess. So what she does is gets him a drink of water then shouts at me that she is having to do my job as a mother.

This morning is a prime example. I woke up and told him I'd take him out for breakfast and I got in the shower. When I got out, I heard her saying "your mother didn;t give you breakfast? Well obviously I am the only one who cares" and she gave him two croissants and then did not speak to me for the rest of the day ecause she had to give him breakfast.

All she does is complain about the things she "does for me", when most of the time those things are interfering and ruin my plans for the day and instead of telling her to fuck off I have to apologise to her for her doing something "for me" that I did not want her to do!

I work from home in a VERY busy and hard job that I am trying to do well at to save to move out and during my workign day she decides out of nowhere she wants to spring clean the house and if I don't drop everything, cancel my work for that day and do it -I am in the doghouse and she is crying and calling herself Cinderella.

I also know she phones family members and tells them I don't do anything and she has to do everything for me and complains about me, when really all I do is try and follow and her wishes to a tee, down to what I eat and where I go 24 hours a day.

If I lose it, she cries. She sits there sobbing about how hard her life is and that she is going to die of a heart attack and then I feel guilty.

All she ever dos is complain about her life, my Dad, her house, her work. Literally everything is so awful for her when I am currently...

1. Dumped by DH for another woman
2. Left without roof and needing to share a bedroom with my 11 year old
3. Devastated by the above
4. Walking on eggshells 24 hours a day.

She doesn;t seem to care about me at all, and also didn't when I was a child because everything was about her and what she wanted and when she wanted it and yet she somehow comes off as a martyr in it all because she genuinely is always cookign and cleaning and doing things for people but I don't want her to and never did.

I'd much rather have had a Mum that played with me or talked to me.

I can't ever even go out and see friends. She says she will babysit, but if I go out she won't talk to me for a couple of weeks and I know she rins all my aunts and family to say how cheeky I am for going out.

What is the deal here? I just don't know what this is and she is obviously so unhappy.

Your mother clearly has some deep seated psychological issues with depression, anger and OCD. I know this is not your real problem and you can't solve it. She needs to see her gp and try to getting professional help.

In the meantime try anything to get away from her because this is not good for you or your ds. Will the council help at all?

She just went in to my son and returned to him the gift we bought her today and said she didn't want it and could he tell his mother.

She acts like a 5 year old! I'd never dream of behaving like that to my children or granchildren.

She had now gone to bed because of her nerves and will be crying in there listening to Cat Stevens and feeling sorry for herself that no one appreciates her and how awful her life is.

She keeps telling me how she never wanted kids and doesn't like them.

I didn't fucking ask to be born did I.

Sorry Quim if you have similar. I think it really does mess with your head.

This is the Stately Homes thread for those that are looking for it. (I've bumped it also.)

Thanks brandshatch that sounds very familiar...sory you had it too but bravo for moving past it.

I suppose being here made me realise I never moved past it.

On the upside it made me uite esygoing and live and let live, but on the downside I think it actually made me perfectly happy to accept any behavior from anyone as long as it wasn;t aggressive or outwardly nasty.

She's got you under her control (as far as she can see) and in a situation where she can do pretty well what she wants and you pretty well have to take it - and she's doing just that: flouncing all over the landscape and indulging her own every whim.

That's no way for you and DS to live.

Yes well I know she does't want me here. she keeps sending me links to apartments online even though I've told her I haven't got the money. In itself quite a nasty thing to do I suppose.

I know, I know that adult children can't expect to be given a roof when they fall on hard times, but to be honest, for the first time in my life after putting up with DH's crap for so long I am bloody sick of being unnapreciated.

If I can;t have such a shit time and expect to be able to come home for a few months and be made welcome then it will have to work both ways. Don't expect lunches out and lovely mother / daughter relations after I leave because it has to work both ways!

I'd give her, or any one of my family of friends a roof over their head in the same position and it just makes me angry that I am made to feel so bloody unwanted.

'Unwanted'? As I said, I really think she's relishing your presence. She gets her very own new punchbag - and PROBLEM to justify her whole existence.

There's little point in trying to understand things while living there though. The time for that will come when you're finally out of there.

In the interim - and may it be short - just don't feel guilty about things. Nearly all of this is down to her and not you.

Sorry - I should have asked. Where does your father currently fit in to this situation?

Sorry for all the venting but this was what happenned last week.

She says to me she wants to clean the house and can we do it together. I said yes, anytime except Thursday because I have two meetings. She says ok...Friday.

I wake up thursday morning and she is cleaning the house. I ask her, bleary eyed why she's doing it now when I said it was the only time I could not help her, and she won't make eye contact, she is already really angry at me - clearly believing I should cancel my meetings.

I can't cancel, so I have to go, and when I get back she won't make eye contact, I can see she has been on the phone slagging me off and then she starts to cry over the sink calling herself Cinderella.

This is what it's like! No one can ever win with her!!!!

And I know she's been calling people who must now be thinking "why is this young woman letting her old mother in il health do all the work and won't help." I'm mortified!

My Father stays silent, he gets the same treatment but in their house it's womans work generally speaking. He does know she is being a dick because he is making light at me across the room doing that dragon breathing action basil Fawlty used to do.

I think it's just been going on so long people think it's normal or it's just her and it almost becomes nothing unusual.

Venting here is helping. I feel like I am biting down on it 24 hours a day

Ah - so he actually lives there yet says nothing - as far as you are aware?

What is their own relationship like - and yours with him?

He fights wth her a lot, but he doesn't get involved on my behalf. More than his life is worth.

50% of the time they are not talking.

for the last 40 years.

Mine with him is equally complicated to be honest, and I have some deep seated issues on that front also. He's not as overtly difficult as Mum because he keeps to himself and doesn't really care what anyone else is doing. He is also a very angry person though.

Was scared of both of them. Dad, not as much anymore.

an just it's bloody awful that you've had to go back there. I was in a similar position some years ago. I actually drove around with all my possessions in my car, sleeping in it, for a few days before I moved in (far too early) with a new boyfriend. Not that I'm recommending it, obviously.
You're getting some good advice from cozy - I wish I could help you practically.

Well done in getting your job off the ground again. Your DS sounds lovely. You've obviously learned how NOT to behave as a mother.

Someone up thread suggested looking up OCPD. I'm pretty sure my DM had it (though she's being indispensable and worn down in the afterlife now).

It's not OCD but a personality disorder in its own right.

OCPD

Look towards the end at the DSM-V, WHO and subtypes.

Does this ring any bells? The nastiness associated with coping with it can easily match other similar personality disorders.

Feeling for you and hoping you can get another housing solution soon. I think you have to make it a priority for you and for your DS. Your current situation is untenable.

I think you need to move out asap.

It's a mess then and they sound very deeply entrenched in their behaviour.

I think, as I said earlier, I wouldn't attempt to understand the family situation from within it - focus on getting out as a matter of urgency. They're very entrenched, you're very vulnerable right now - if only in a practical sense - and you have a DS to protect.

I see that you found the Stately Homes thread - reading that at your leisure, including the useful links might be both useful and interesting for you.

Reading that just makes me feel sorry for her.

She should have got help years ago really.

She had an absolutely awful childhood, severely phsyically and mentally abusive and honestly I don't think she realises fully the effect she has. I think she does her best which makes it hard.

My family are really just a total mess.

I had EXACTLY the same situation.

Had no choice after an abusive relationship, to live there, but actually it was a similar hell. I put up with it for a few (too many) years, but would seriously recommend getting out earlier, as it almost cost me my relationship with DS.

I too worked from home full time, and saved up every penny for moving out, but according to her I was a lazy bitch, and regularly slagged off to other family members. Silent treatment was common. Not allowed out either, not once (they're grandparents not babysitters...).

Get as much help as you can, council housing, tax credits anything and everything.

Being undermined as a mother by your own mother is soul destroying, and your DS witnessing this starts to learn it's acceptable to be treated like that (not that I advocate full screaming arguments all the time....I bit my tongue ALL the time). Nearly went insane.

She sounds narcissistic, and most definitely toxic. You need to get out (I know that's not easy).

Good luck

I will say this.

when she is happy, she is lovely.

When she is in a bad mood, she gets very angry to see anyone else happy and is resentful of it and wants to make them feel a bad as possible.

She also tends to feel quite jealous because she feels she had four kids young and never had a life so she hates to see me going out and having fun. She would never amdit that but it's true. The resentment is absolutely obvious.

She didnt speak to me for two weeks once because she was not invited to a party of one of my friends and someone else's mother went.

There's never been a sense of "I had my time and my fun so now please have yours" because I feel like she thinks she never had any fun.

Although from my memory when I was DS's age her and Dad were out every weekend at a wild party then dealing with their drunk argument where she would have flirted with someone else and Dad would be threatening to kill her with a baseball bat and she would be calling him a C**t and waking me up in bed to tell me what a bastard he was. Us kids would be up in our pyjama crying and begging them to stop.

That was what my life was like and neither one of them sees anything at all wrong with it.

It was like living in a warzone, and even when they weren't fighting it was always the eggshells.

They threw money at us. We always had the best things. They let us do whtaver we wanted as teenagers. They were loving in a lot of ways...always a hot meal on the table, always great birthday presents, always nice holidays but the stuff that actually matterred was missing

You do need to get out as soon as possible. But of course that takes money and in order to save that money, you have to stay put.

I'm assuming that you have no other family or friends you could stay with. And that you also wouldn't be able to get a wage paying job and earn what you are earning now.

So all you can do is try very hard to grow a very hard shell. You cannot change her and shouldn't bother to put out any effort to try. And that needs to be your mantra; "She'll never change so I won't bother to argue/placate/justify". Find a phrase and stick to it. Perhaps "Mother, I'm doing the best I can, sorry if it's not good enough for you". Even though it's not true, it will take some of the wind out of her sails. You put the dishes in the dishwasher wrong? "Mother, I'm doing the best I can, etc etc". You don't help clean when she decides? "Mother, I'm doing the best I can, etc, etc". She decides to play 'Cinderalla? "Mother, I'm doing the best I can, etc, etc". What's the worst she can do? Agree with you? She WANTS you to disagree and argue with her so she can scream and yell and you. Even if she says "Well, your best isn't good enough" you say "Mother, I'm doing the best I can, etc etc".

And once you DO manage to get your own place, I'd keep any contact with her to a bare minimum. She's toxic!

I dont want to be facetious Justasking but she just sounds batshit .
I would say dont use your mental energy trying to understand her, just accept that she is extremely difficult, try and cope as best you can and try and get out as soon as you can

Yes. You say that your DS doesn't seem to be affected but look how she's likely been affected by her family dynamic, and how you've been affected by yours. Don't take any chances that DS will also be affected in some way - stop the rot here.

I really just miss my own home, my own bed and my DH who I loved and who was nice to me.

All i keep thinking is "I want to go home" and home's gone now.

I hate feeling sorry for myself like this, and I hate that I will feel shitty about posting this, or about what I said to her earlier but today I just snapped.

I woke up feeling sad, alone and within 5 minutes my stomach was in knots because I could hear her moaning. I felt like my day was being dictated, she was angry I was doing my hair and makeup, she was angry before I'd even started the day. I could hear my parenting being criticized to DS and I just wanted to have a nice day and feel good about one small thing.

I miss DH so much and am so devastated I just want some peace and quite to grieve. I really need a hug, I can't even see my friends (can't bring hem here OR go out) and I am lonely and under so much pressure.

I really do just want my own home and will wake up in the morning with new resolve to find a way.

Getting a wage earning day to day job is an option but I am completely on my own with DS and I'd hate to not be there when he got in from school or leave him with a childminder so much and I worry how I'd cope in the holidays. He has SN so it's a bit harder. Zero chance of any help.

I don't know, I just feel lost, unstable, all alone and like I have to put on a happy face 24 hours a day when everything is driving me mad or hurting and all I want to do is cry and get a hug off someone

Somewhere in this I am the bad guy too.

No reason to 'feel shitty about posting this' - it's just a board of people, mostly women, many of whom have problems as you do. Just us.