Please help me understand my Mum

[justaskingabout]

Can anyone help me identify what is really going on with my Mum. I feel quite bad about posting this because I love my Mother but I want to just get some feedback about what's really going on here.

Also as a disclaimed, I am temporarily living with my Mum right now, and I realise this is a really bad idea and that I need to move and that she is doing me a favour putting a roof over my head with DS but my husband just left and I had nowhere else to go.

What I really wanted was some reasons or support or suggestions for coping with all of this.

When I was a child my Mum was half lovely and half awful. Lovely in a lot of ways but I was terrified of her too. She was always angry. She hated my Dad and complained to the kids all the time about how she hated him and wished he was dead and all sort of scary things. She was always upset or ragingly angry about "mess" and the house and complainign about being a Mum. She calls herself "Cinderella" (and still does).

I grew up with a permanent knot in my stomach, always walking on eggsells, always scared to touch anything in the house, move anything, put fingerprints on something. She ironed our UNDERPANTS. I mean, we weren't allowed to touch or clothes or toys or anything. Nor have friends over. It was like she wanted everything to be untouched and if you messed it up she'd be angry, or cry or generally make you feel awful.

I left home as soon as I could at 16.

So anyway, fast forward and I have been forced to live with her for a little while, getting back on my feet.

I have one DS, aged 11, and in a lot of ways she has been amazing. She wants to do stuff with DS like go for walks and coffees, she comes to school things, we watch movies and have Mum and Daughter giggles.

But she is so controlling.

everything has to be done her way on her schedule. For example, laundry has to be done the same day, washed, ironed and back in the closet. I am scared to cook, scared to shop, scared to do anything really.

I am also constantly telling DS to stay in his room because she gets in these moods and all she does is shout at him exactly like she did at me. All you can hear all day is her screaming from one room that there's a fingerprint on something.

She also insists that he can't get anything -not even a drink of water -in case he makes a mess. So what she does is gets him a drink of water then shouts at me that she is having to do my job as a mother.

This morning is a prime example. I woke up and told him I'd take him out for breakfast and I got in the shower. When I got out, I heard her saying "your mother didn;t give you breakfast? Well obviously I am the only one who cares" and she gave him two croissants and then did not speak to me for the rest of the day ecause she had to give him breakfast.

All she does is complain about the things she "does for me", when most of the time those things are interfering and ruin my plans for the day and instead of telling her to fuck off I have to apologise to her for her doing something "for me" that I did not want her to do!

I work from home in a VERY busy and hard job that I am trying to do well at to save to move out and during my workign day she decides out of nowhere she wants to spring clean the house and if I don't drop everything, cancel my work for that day and do it -I am in the doghouse and she is crying and calling herself Cinderella.

I also know she phones family members and tells them I don't do anything and she has to do everything for me and complains about me, when really all I do is try and follow and her wishes to a tee, down to what I eat and where I go 24 hours a day.

If I lose it, she cries. She sits there sobbing about how hard her life is and that she is going to die of a heart attack and then I feel guilty.

All she ever dos is complain about her life, my Dad, her house, her work. Literally everything is so awful for her when I am currently...

1. Dumped by DH for another woman
2. Left without roof and needing to share a bedroom with my 11 year old
3. Devastated by the above
4. Walking on eggshells 24 hours a day.

She doesn;t seem to care about me at all, and also didn't when I was a child because everything was about her and what she wanted and when she wanted it and yet she somehow comes off as a martyr in it all because she genuinely is always cookign and cleaning and doing things for people but I don't want her to and never did.

I'd much rather have had a Mum that played with me or talked to me.

I can't ever even go out and see friends. She says she will babysit, but if I go out she won't talk to me for a couple of weeks and I know she rins all my aunts and family to say how cheeky I am for going out.

What is the deal here? I just don't know what this is and she is obviously so unhappy.

It must be very hard for you but she does sound like her mental health isn't good and probably has never been. I do think she loves you and your ds from what you have written but she is just not able to behave like a normal person.

I would probably tell your ds that mentally she has some difficulties an not to discuss it with her but if he needs to talk about her/her behaviour then he can ask you anytime.

Sorry about your situation, try to just get through this phase and focus on getting ready to move.

Move out don't put up with it I know how you feel ASAP

I do honestly feel you're right Binit and she does love us and just can't behave like a normal person. I really think she just can't and besides venting here (as I haven't got anyone else to really talk to right now) I do love her also and that's the hard part.

It is all fine when I live elsewhere, and as long as you're not living together it does feel normal or more like what a normal relationship should look like.

I have grown up and gotten to accept life's not always exactly as you hoped and I love my parents and know they love me but I guess they both have some pretty serious issues that meant the way they love us is a bit less than an ideal world would have liked it to have been.

That said, I do think she is a product of her own abuse and being angry or whatever actually fixes nothing. She's too old to change and to be honest I think if she ever did truly see how I felt or how she has made me feel all these years it would devastate her and I am not sure I'd want that.

I'd sort of prefer to have her think I've been really happy and that she's been as she sees herself. Maybe some things are best forgotten.

I think what;s gotten me down is that I'd worked so hard on my marriage and finding a man i felt was healthy and loved me and DS and building my own family and my own home and I loved every minute of it. I loved the way our house was so peaceful and normal and to be back here again is just hard.

i will suck it up, get my shit together and get out of dodge and start again.

At the end of the day I guess having kids around or mess or anyone touching anything makes her feel deeply unsettled and she can't probably help that. It's better she lives alone.

I had a bath today and was too scared to use soap, bubble bath, shower gel or even shampoo because she keeps complaining that after I clean it there is some residue. LOL. I am going to smell.

I can see now one can live like I am living, and it's time to man up a bit and find a way out of a situation whcih is obviously making Mum as unhappy as it is me.

Very briefly: if they used to throw money at you as kids, do they still have plenty of savings? Could your dad lend you the money for a deposit on a new rental, and act as guarantor?

No, you are NOT the 'bad guy'. Your husband is that!

As much as you may hate it, you may have to consider if a job will be best in the long run. As a working mum, I hated too that I couldn't be there day to day, but I also realized that, in the long run, it was better for my children's future that I worked full time. Of course, with special needs you have much more to consider than I did. I think for both your sake and your child's, you do need to think long and hard about it. It cannot be healthy for him to hear you criticized constantly. Nor is it healthy for you to live as you are living.

Even if all you could afford is a one bedroom flat, you'd be better off in that flat than living the way you are now, even if your parent's home is a palace.

No, they don't have any extra any more. He had a good job but took early redundancy, started a business and it went under and now they rent and don't own a home. My sister says she will be a guarantour for me, so i just need to get the initial money together.

They would have loaned me the money no question if they had it. That's one thing they have been amazing with - we never went without a thing and they are very generous and would give you their last dime.

Mum would actually go out of her way to buy something DS needed and would cancel something of her own (like her hair appointment) and say nothing of her sacrifice. She has a genueinely loving side that is really huge sometimes.

Just she's mental to live with and very controlling!

Like I tried to explain in the posts there is also a lot of good in them.

Oooh, yes, someone gave me an internet copy of "Toxic Parents" - I must get back to reading that.

Thats actually true Across the pond, I could look at a one bedroom or something.

To be honest, what I am working on right now I was very successful at overseas and made a good living and know I can do the same here and have spent already done well and am getting there.

I will earn more at it than I ever could in a 9 - 5 paid job as I am qualified for nothing that pays well. I am also in London. I'd have to pay rent, bills, childcare, clothings,everything he needs and have no idea how I could cover it even with a regular paid job.

Even if I could I would have no way to make savings, no way to have a pension, no way to ever find money to give him a better start in life or have money for extras. I wanted to make life a little better than that and I will get nothing from the divorce (long story but I won't).

One thing I am really positive about is my ability to eventually support us and make a life for us on my own, and I know I can do it. I feel a bit like getting a job is like making it worse because it puts a band aid on the problem but still leaves me in a position where I won't know where the rent is coming from if I have any unexpected expenses.

I think the one bedroom idea is a good one, maybe taking on an extra part time job while not giving up on my business and maybe also getting a bit more forceful with the council.

since you work from home could you move to a part of the country where housing is cheaper so that you could rent a place?

Then there is light at the end of the tunnel, and one possible option if things get just too awful to bear.

Sometimes just knowing that there may be an 'out' makes it easier to put up with a bad situation.

I just got my son settled into school again after all he's been through. So no, it wouldn't be something I would put him through. His cousins are here, his family are here. He needs that stability. I can also charge more for what I do in London than elsewhere so it's a good place for me workwise and when I eventaully have a home, my friends are also here and that will be such a big bonus for me to not feel so alone.

I just had a look at one bedrooms and they are efinitely affordable. I'd have the lounge, he can have the bedroom. It would feel like paradise just to have that space compared to the little bedroom we have now! Feeling quite happy about this idea. Never even occured to me..thank you!

sounds promising on the business front then justasking:)

Well that sounds a bit positive - even if it's only a good thought for you right now.

Can definitely do a 1 bed flat! Freedom is so much more important

Best of luck x

Op my mother and yours could be twins. However, who would believe me? She's so nice to everyone! She goes through the bin, opening wrapped used sanitary towels, lies- the more outrageous the better, she is the nastiest person o know.
The screaming and shouting over the smallest thing,has hit her grandkids. Beat a 12 week old puppy and made it sleep outside in the snow. I was about to start a thread so thks op. This just gives a tiny snapshot.
By the way, going away in two weeks but dare not tell her as couldn't bear to holiday with her but too terrified to tell her. Any mn got any advice on how to break it to her?

Your mother will never change. She is simply bonkers. I would love to see you get to the stage where you could actually laugh at her. If you saw her in a movie with all that drama and carry on you would laugh and say no one could be as bad as that. It's so hard that you are so dependent on her now. Actually l couldn't believe there was actually a father there listening to all that. I had a lot of that stuff with my mum and l always had a knot in my stomach growing up but l got to the stage where l just totally accepted who she is and now l just laugh to myself. It's like lm watching some mad drama on stage. I believe your ds sees right through her as he doesn't have those years of history you have. My kid s completely see through my mother and so do all her grandkids. It's a family joke between them though she is very generous in ways and they do respect her. I found a book called EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL BY SUSAN HOWARD. to be very helpful to break the hold she had over me. I don't think l could live with her though. I think you sound like a wonderful kind dd and if anything happens to her it will not be your fault. Nobody ever died from missing a laundry deadline.

Sometimes the simplest answers are the hardest to see.

Hopefully you'll either find a flat that will work for you, or you'll at least know you have an 'escape hatch'.

As a single parent with child with sn, you should be pretty high on the list for housing, I know in lots of areas in London that still won't help much, but do make sure you're on any lists you can get on, some councils run schemes to help people rent from private lls, provide deposit and guarantees for you, so do check youve explored every avenue there, the sooner you gets out from your mothers madhouse, the better!

It's very hard. I agree re the stately home thread; it's very enlightening.

Lots of good advice OP. This jumped out at me:

I just spent forever researching an amazing birthday present for her and sorting with my brother's and sisters. I try and think of stuff that would make her happy or make her smile and do it.

I spent my while life trying to please her.

You are doing really well, because you have realised this. You bend over backwards not to hurt her feelings. She does things that really upset you, and even seem deliberately planned to hurt you and mess with you. And yet you keep on trying.

I finally reached tipping point with my mum when I realised that the only reason I still had anything to do with her was so as not to hurt her feelings. And yet she was hurting my feelings (and worse, much like yours) whenever she could.

I was finally able to let go and think "she actually doesn't care about me, it's OK to stop trying to please her". I cut off contact, which I had the luxury of doing and I know you can't do that now. But you can stop trying so hard. Be blunt, be matter-of-fact, stop tiptoeing round her. "No mum I have a meeting as you know." "No, this is my work time, I can help you tidy at Xpm." "That's ridiculous, as you know very well I feed my son properly. I was planning to take him out for breakfast." "You offered to babysit, I don't know what the problem is." Then walk away and get on with things. Stand up for your son and yourself in front of him – show him you recognise her behaviour is weird, as it must be confusing for him.

Meanwhile keep planning your exit and do it asap.

And play mum bingo to keep yourself sane. Keep tally of her ridiculous statements/fusses and when you get to 10, award yourself a prize, like a twix or something.

You say your mum doesn't mean to be like this, and I think mine's similar – she would be shocked if she know how horrible I think she is. But people like this are so wrapped up in splurging their neediness all over everyone else at any cost, and creating the drama they thrive on, that's their priority. They don't care, or perhaps even understand, how much it hurts you. They are to be pitied - but you have to detach.

[hug] and for you.

I woke up to this email...

"Whilst you´re living with me you respect me and my apartment. You help with chores regardless of how busy you are. You get up and see to your son when he asks for assistance or food. I´ve given you far more assistance/help than other mother´s would have, you should be grateful for my help, not treat me like a doormat. Don´t assume that I will automatically look after DS when you are working or have a meeting. I want my freedom and don't want to give up my time for that. If I give you a knot in your stomach because I like the house so clean and I have OCD, I am allowed that privilege. If I bother you so much with my controlling ways of how I clean and tidy I want things, then don´t live with me it´s simple"

Get the fuck out

Mine is just like this, it will get worse. Mine reported me to social services for transgressions of her batshit OCD rules.

If she's out like mine any niceness is just a prelude to suck you in for more shit.

I has extensive counselling and therapy just to get to this point of realising I did not 'deserve to die' for leaving a trace of toothpaste in the sink, or wet shoes in the porch. I'm fucked mentally though.

Gosh just reading that email made me feel anxious and upset on your behalf - it's so bloody unfair.

Oh you poor thing....

I really think that even if it's a financial setback, you need to get out. You have enough on your plate right now without having to deal with such behaviour. You aren't going tochange her, but she is going to damage you and your son.

The only person I know closely like this (thankfully not my mother!) I have dealt with by remaining as calm as I could and asking, in a non sarcastic genuinely interested way,

"Ok, what exactly bothers you about...(bubbles left in shower plug hole)) ? I understand liking things clean but that's extreme. What happens when I leave it like that? I'm trying to understand."

However, I was under her roof for three days, not weeks/months. Get out!