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Original poster

Male friend visiting

67 replies

feelingsad75 · 16/08/2015 15:33

Have been going out with a woman (41) for about six months

She has invited her male friend over from Australia to stay with her for 2 weeks then they are going on holiday to Spain for a week

She has a 1 bedroom flat but she says he is sleeping in the front room

She also says it is a platonic friendship which I kind of believe

Anyway he arrived yesterday and I'm having a lot of trouble coping - I feel like I'm being disrespected and am a bit jealous as she doesn't actually go out (dates) with me much but is going out with him virtually every day

Any advice on how to cope (got a bit drunk last night :-( )

OP posts:
VoyageOfDad · 16/08/2015 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BestZebbie · 16/08/2015 16:20

She is 41 and you have only been dating for 6 months (age is relevant because eg; 6 months is a long time for school romances but a blink of an eye for middle aged adults). You don't actually date very often anyway. You have very little 'claim' on her - it sounds as if at least one of you is keeping your relationship fairly arms length anyway if you dont get in touch that often in person.

On the flip side, she has had a much longer, although non-sexual, relationship with this man that she has with you. He is visiting from a very very long way away (presumably why he is doing Spain on the same trip) and so the visit is likely to be infrequent and a 'big holiday' for him - so of course he will want to go out and do things all the time, and stay for multiple weeks to justify the flights.

LookAtMeGo · 16/08/2015 16:26

Do you instigate dates and she cant make it, it is that just the pattern you have fallen into?

Original poster
feelingsad75 · 16/08/2015 16:29

You're right - I'm not trying to start a war here - just wanted advice

She has said that we can all go out together to a pub quiz on wednesday but I'm scared I'll sayi something nasty to him :-(

OP posts:
Justincaseyoudidntknow · 16/08/2015 16:31

You've no need to say anything nasty to him. He is your girlfriends friend who has done nothing wrong!

go on Wednesday, it might put your fears at bay. Be polite, be friendly. There is no reason for you to be nasty. He hasn't done anything to warrant the suspicion you're placing on him.

Original poster
feelingsad75 · 16/08/2015 16:31

I ask her on dates a lot but she hardly ever says yes

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingsad75 · 16/08/2015 16:32

I dont want to say anything nasty - just fear I will :-(

OP posts:
LookAtMeGo · 16/08/2015 16:33

And are her reasons legitimate-seeming?

Original poster
feelingsad75 · 16/08/2015 16:34

She doesnt want to spend time with me outside of work

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 16/08/2015 16:35

If you ask her out and she says no, she only wants to see you at work, then she's not your girlfriend.

Sorry to be blunt, but you need to see that.

Nowt to do with this visitor.

Justincaseyoudidntknow · 16/08/2015 16:35

If that's what she said to you, that's not acceptable and you deserve to be with someone who wants to spend time with you.

If I was you, her attitude towards your relationship would be making me re think being with her

Original poster
feelingsad75 · 16/08/2015 16:36

But am in love with her :-(

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 16/08/2015 16:37

I don't think your relationship with her sounds terribly healthy or even very genuine on her part. Time to move on to someone who will commit to you fully perhaps?

Original poster
feelingsad75 · 16/08/2015 16:40

PS thanks voyageofdad - Will try to grin and bear it - not say anything stupid - is going to be really hard 3 weeks though :-(

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 16/08/2015 16:45

How much of this is you trying to will a relationship into being? As someone else said upthread, it sounds like she isn't that into you. Let it go.

Junosmum · 16/08/2015 16:45

She's not disrespecting you. You are disrespecting her by not trusting her judgement on this issue, not trusting her to be in control of her faculties and not trusting her to chose who she has to stay.

Is he an ex? Has she slept with him before? I suspect you don't have any platonic female friends. I have a very good male friend, has always been platonic, he was one of my bridespeople at my wedding (he is totally straight). My husband has never had an issue with him staying at mine, before or after my husband lived together. We've been on holiday together and shared rooms (for cost saving purposes) and my OH has never batted an eye lid.

He has female friends I'd be happy for him to do the same with, and some I wouldn't - not because I don't trust him, but because I don't trust them. I have a male friend who I know has feelings beyond friendship for me, I'd have him stay over, in the spare room, but would never share a room with him, it would be unfair to him. And OH trusts my judgement on this sort of thing!

RepeatAdNauseum · 16/08/2015 16:47

Are you together?

Only you seem to think you are, and she doesn't. If she's said that she doesn't want to cut her ex out of her life, she probably thinks you aren't together. She seems to have chosen him over you.

That would also explain why she doesn't want to meet outside of work.

I'm concerned that you are putting up with this because you love her, and she is staying in contact because she likes the attention or thinks you could be good friends, and you're actually setting yourself up for heartbreak.

Also, you should be able to control yourself enough that you don't say anything horrid to anyone. Don't drink, if you need too. If you still can't guarantee that you'll be pleasant and not blame him for a situation that seems to have nothing to do with him, don't go.

Original poster
feelingsad75 · 16/08/2015 16:49

I do believe her when she says she wont sleep with him - am just bothered by the fact she is going out with him constantly but wont go out with me

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 16/08/2015 16:51
Twinklestein · 16/08/2015 16:52

It's quite rude to not have time to go out with her own BF but have plenty of time to see a friend for 2 weeks, and it's rude not to involve you more. Pub quiz - great!

I disagree with most responses on this thread in that I think you're justified in feeling uncomfortable OP and also justified in feeling like this guy, irrespective of where he is sleeping, feels like her priority right now.

If it's making you question how serious she is about this relationship I think that's valid because she doesn't sound that committed.

Original poster
feelingsad75 · 16/08/2015 16:53

Thanks twinklestein - I'm not a monster and am quite nice really

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingsad75 · 16/08/2015 16:59

Would this be an ok question at the pub quiz?

" would you be happy if your girlfriend had a male friend to stay in her one bedroom flat for two weeks followed by a weeks holiday in Spain?"

Am scared am going to ask that question

OP posts:
Fugghetaboutit · 16/08/2015 16:59

I wouldn't like this, sorry. Especially as she doesn't want to do anything with you.

Would love to see the replies if genders were reversed Hmm

wafflyversatile · 16/08/2015 17:00

Her friend is visiting from Australia so they are going out because of that. He's only here for a short time and they are fitting in lots of activities. I don't think that is your problem.

I think having an ex who breaks into her house and reads your emails and yet she won't get out of her life is a problem and the fact she doesn't spend much time with you is not a good sign. If you don't see each other outside of work, and rarely go out then what exactly is your relationship?

If you get the chance to meet the Australian friend do, and don't let your emotions get on top of you and make you say something you regret. then once he's gone talk to her about what you want and what she wants and be prepared to walk away if you can't find a way that suits both of you.

JustForThisFred · 16/08/2015 17:02

Time to get yourself a grip my friend :(

She doesn't want to spend time with you outside of work. No matter how much you 'love' her, she is not your girlfriend :(

Time to put this behind you and find someone who cares for you as much as you do them.

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