Am I jealous or is she?

[Fosterslover]

Am I jealous or is she

Long story short, have been with my dp 15 months, he has a female best friend who I've basically bent over backwards for, she is quite hard work, thought we were getting somewhere though as socialise in a group quite often.

However she has form for ignoring my texts to her, whilst replying/or sending my dp a message/text, they speak nearly every day, I was upset by this as I thought it was rude to ignore me, but dp said he couldn't understand why she wouldn't reply to me.

Anyway dp and I got engaged about 5 weeks ago, wedding is at end of September, I was the one to tell her when we were out for dinner with another friend, she didn't really respond with congratulations and texted my dp when I got home saying "big news eh" I saw her a few days later at the same friends bday party and she refused to speak to me, she hasn't spoken to me since.

When we sent out the wedding reception invites, I noted on the back to rsvp to me as I have FB and my dp doesn't, and not all invites have my tel no, (she does). She texted him saying "oh your invite arrived today" didn't let me know.

My dp wants her there for the day as well, ceremony then afternoon tea as wedding breakfast before reception, sent invites out last week with a menu to preorder food, no response from her.

My friend who is organising my hen has asked me if I want to invite this girl to it, I'm not sure I do as I feel she is being very rude and disapproving of our marriage and I feel she would have a long face during the hen and also wedding day, I can't not invite her to the wedding as dp gets on with her so well and I need to consider this, but I don't understand how or why she's gone so cold on me.

His background with her was they met on a dating website about 2 1/2 years ago, went on one date and decided better off as friends. I know there's no threat on the feelings side and she has a dp that she lives with who she's been with a year.

Thoughts please?

She sees your dp as her friend more than she does you. I don't see any jealousy on either side.

I reckon she's jealous
Unrequited love with your dp maybe?
Not sure I would want her anywhere near my dp

My first thought is that she is his friend, not yours. And you really don't need to muscle in on all his friendships.

If your holding out for everyone in the universe to like you, it'll be a long wait.

And as your hen party is for your friends and maybe family, there is no need to invite people who happen to be someone else's friend.

But I'm not trying to muscle in on their friendship, I just think it's rude when I am mainly organising the wedding, we socialise in the same group and she can't be bothered to respond to invites. What am I supposed to do, ignore her and upset my dp? She was friendly enough to to me before I told her we were getting married

Blimey I would be quite hurt and shocked if my best friend didn't even tell me they were getting married. That I had to hear it from their new partner that I didn't even know very well and wasn't close to.

She does know me quite well though this is the thing, I've known her almost the same amount of time as I've been with my dp, we have socialised together and separately, I've been on nights out on my own with her and see her a lot.

No need to invite her to your hen as she is really your dps friend
But I would let him your dp, know that if she doesn't respond to you as per the invite she may find that she doesn't have
A place
Food
Or a welcome
Leave it until the deadline for all confirmation comes up and then see if she's responded and go from there
Don't stress about it
She may not want to come you never know

She can't be that great friends with your DP if it was you & not him that you were engaged? That was pretty rude of your DP tbh.
I don't think she is jealous & I don't understand why you need to be liked by her.
She is the friend of your DP so let him deal with her & pass on wedding details to you, as for the hen, why on earth would you invite her-she isn't your friend.

Thanks Mojo, I don't think I'm being nice unreasonable to expect a response out of politeness even if she doesn't see me as a friend now, obviously I have tried with her for my dp's sake and the fact we are a close group of friends, I've asked him if he or she would prefer to go to his stag instead as would make more sense.

I also think she just see's herself as your DP's friend first, I don't think just because you're both female that should transfer to you now you're a couple. It might always be that him and her are better friends than you and her and that should be ok, same as if it was one of his good male friends.
I think the RSVP thing is a separate issue, can't DP just text and ask for her menu choices?

Yes to her going on the stag do.
No, she shouldn't ignore your texts.
It occurs to me that she may be jealous, not of you marrying your dp, but of you getting married before she does. Has she been with her partner the same amount of time?

Yeah I don't have a problem with the friendship, I just feel like a mug for trying to be friendly with her and her basically ignoring me. I'll leave to to my dp to correspond with her from now if she finds it so difficult.

Gilbert, she has been with her partner about 14 months, he is still married but separated with two young children, my dp has told me she doesn't approve of marriage and now she is living with her partner, she and her dp have joked that she doesn't allow the ex's name to be spoken in the house, they live in the house he bought with his ex wife.

If she were a good friend to the dp, wouldn't she congratulate him and the op on their engagement?

Why is she so aloof as to not to respond to texts? Any texts regardless of who sends them.

I think there is a touch of jealousy there.

What is this with "she's your dp's friend, not yours"? Does that mean she can't respond to friendly overtures from other people, even the op? Odd behaviour.

If my male friends gfs/dws are friendly and open to me, I'm delighted because it's really the better way to be and makes life so easy for everyone.

Op, stop trying so hard. Just stop. Be polite but not so friendly. Don't make any effort any more. She's certainly not trying. Don't bother with her.

Don't invite her to your hen do. No need to be rude but it's clear she's your dp's friend.

Let her respond to the invitation as she wishes. It's up to her. If she's rude then it's her issue. I would definitely tell your dp about every incident of rudeness but don't get het up about it.

Thank you winky.

I had something similar with my relationship when it first started. DH's female best friend just turned against me, I had done nothing but be polite and pleasant. Not sure why she took such offence to me, I never muscled in on their relationship, but in the end DH saw how unreasonable she was and she said never to contact her again

I would just leave it be, now. Let your DP deal with communications, you've done all you can

She sounds like hard work. I wouldn't invite her to the hen do. As for the rest, leave it to your dp.

Yeah, no need to invite her to your hen do.

She sounds like she thinks she "owns" the men in her life. So he may have been seeing you but he was her friend first, the fact that you are getting married means you are going up the hierarchy (in her eyes) and she wont own him anymore. The same with her boyfriend and refusing to acknowledge his ex because she now "owns" him and no other woman is allowed any claim on him.

I know someone like this. If a male friend of hers starts seeing someone she makes a point of being all over him and about how long they have been friends and how no one will know him better than she does. Its pathetic and when it happens it makes you embarrassed for her because she just doesnt see how ridiculous she is being. She works in the local pub so it is a bit of a floor show when she gets going

The best way to deal with it is to be super nice and polite when you see her with your DP, as that highlights her rudeness, and ignore her the rest of the time.

If she doesn't respond to the invite, then surely she won't be coming?

She was friendly enough to to me before I told her we were getting married

I'd say there's some jealousy in there from this person, OP. I wouldn't invite to the hen party, but be nice and polite when you do meet and you can't be accused of being mean/nasty. She'll show herself up eventually.

What am I supposed to do, ignore her and upset my dp?

She ignores you and it hasn't upset him that much, so why would he object to you giving her a spoonful of her own medicine? You're trying too hard and you have been very slow in getting the message that she doesn't want to be friends with you. If she is jealous of you then that's her and your DP's problem, not yours.

The only reason I am worrying about not inviting her to the hen, is that it's gonna be literally a few of us that do socialise together quite often, so should I feel bad for her being left out, it's only a small group of girls, but one of my friends that is coming is very close to her. It shouldn't matter if she goes on dp's stag, I just don't want to end up looking like a bitch for not inviting her.