Am I jealous or is she?

[Fosterslover]

Am I jealous or is she

Long story short, have been with my dp 15 months, he has a female best friend who I've basically bent over backwards for, she is quite hard work, thought we were getting somewhere though as socialise in a group quite often.

However she has form for ignoring my texts to her, whilst replying/or sending my dp a message/text, they speak nearly every day, I was upset by this as I thought it was rude to ignore me, but dp said he couldn't understand why she wouldn't reply to me.

Anyway dp and I got engaged about 5 weeks ago, wedding is at end of September, I was the one to tell her when we were out for dinner with another friend, she didn't really respond with congratulations and texted my dp when I got home saying "big news eh" I saw her a few days later at the same friends bday party and she refused to speak to me, she hasn't spoken to me since.

When we sent out the wedding reception invites, I noted on the back to rsvp to me as I have FB and my dp doesn't, and not all invites have my tel no, (she does). She texted him saying "oh your invite arrived today" didn't let me know.

My dp wants her there for the day as well, ceremony then afternoon tea as wedding breakfast before reception, sent invites out last week with a menu to preorder food, no response from her.

My friend who is organising my hen has asked me if I want to invite this girl to it, I'm not sure I do as I feel she is being very rude and disapproving of our marriage and I feel she would have a long face during the hen and also wedding day, I can't not invite her to the wedding as dp gets on with her so well and I need to consider this, but I don't understand how or why she's gone so cold on me.

His background with her was they met on a dating website about 2 1/2 years ago, went on one date and decided better off as friends. I know there's no threat on the feelings side and she has a dp that she lives with who she's been with a year.

Thoughts please?

It's your hen do - you should invite who you are going to have fun with! From what I read above that doesn't include her.

The interesting part for me in all of this was that your Dp didn't tell her he was engaged and left you to do it. Why? Because he was ducking the response.

Anyone with a best mate knows you tell them yourself, you don't get your fiance to do it for you. That is weird.

Stop trying to be her friend. She is giving a clear message that she doesn't want to be yours. She ignores your texts but texts your Dp. Don't invite her on your hen do.

My sister is useless at responding to texts so I text her wife, she responds because she is lovely and organised. I also text Dh's best mate's fiance because she responds, best mate is sporadic with Dh as Dh is with him.

This isn't a case of useless texting though, she actively ignores them and if she was a true mate to your Dp she would be nice to you for his sake.

Don't invite her to your hen do. She doesn't respond to your texts, doesn't that mean she's just not that into you?

Back away, leave her to it. She sounds bad mannered.

*I see where you are coming from. It's not a case of being your dp's friend and not yours because you share the same friends because you all socialise in a group.

We have a group of friends like that and we all text one another when the need arises regardless of gender or who was friends first etc because we all socialise together as one group. So, yes she was his friend first but now you are also in that group of friends and have socialised with her many times happily within the group and alone yourselfs. So, for that reason alone I do think it's strange and out of order the way you are behaving.*

exasperated this is exactly it, couldn't put it better myself. Thank you. It's not like I even text her regularly, conversationally, it's just to usually do with social plans.

Anyway spoke to my dp about it last night, and he has said she hasn't mentioned anything about my hen but is she has said she is happy to go on his stag so that's that. He asked how I felt about it, but I have said well it's her decision, hopefully won't make things awkward within the group and he can deal with any further response from her. I'm gonna back off totally.

Yeah, just not into you sounds right, and the friend is not always well mannered but ultimately sees the OH as their true friend and not OP.

Well the good thing about that is, now if anyone asks as your hen why she isn't there just say she has gone/is going to the stag. Then you don't even need to mention how she's being strange with you.

Thing is, as soon as you socialise as a group others might pick up on the way she is behaving towards you. Then it's her that will look bad.

There was a previous poster who mentioned how she knows someone who think's she 'owns' almost the men in her life. I also know someone like that. She thinks she's the 'head' girl in the group. Sue is a bit of a pita. They are 'her boys', she's known them the longest. Basically she wants to be top dog and liked the most, most important! Could be the case with your girl. She use to always go on about one of the other couples as if she was so close to them, if they happened to do something we couldn't take part in. Then me and the other girl became quite close and she's street acting a bit weird to the other girl. Shunning her almost. There's nothing weirder that folk. Luckily, my husband knows exactly what she's like too.

You know you have done nothing wrong. It's her. Going forward from here. Don't let any of her bullshit over shadow your special time. She has essentially managed to make this about her. When it's not. Dont text her anymore. Get your df to see if she is coming to the wedding. Though honestly I think he needs to say something to her about the way she is treating you and making you feel uncomfortable before your wedding. She will probably just claim innocence though so maybe just best ignoring her drama.

Ok a bit of an update albeit under name change due to recent mumsnet events.

DP told me tonight he'd had a conversation today with his friend, where he mentioned something about mistakes sometimes haunting you in a text, I suppose everyone has this sometimes, I know I do, anyway her response was "Oh , you don't sound happy at all" went on to say how she thought a meeting between them would benefit him and if he has any doubts about the wedding to just let her discuss it with him on their own. I haven't been made aware he has any doubts, if he has I'm happy for him to discuss it with her but me also. Is this something I should be worried about?

How do you know about it?

Oh he told you. So he has made out he has doubts about marrying you. She has asked him to meet up with her to discuss those doubts. He told you this?! Yes id be worried. And bloody insulted.

So he made a comment that could be about anything and she took it to mean that he is having doubts about marrying you?

This one is trouble, keep an eye on her.

what was his response to it? What did he say to you about it?

She is definitely shit stirring. She may be his friend, or so she say, but she is no friend to your relationship.

I agree with Bogey, she IS trouble.

Unless your DP makes it pretty bloody clear that he's NOT unhappy, having doubts or whatever AND also expresses to her that he's disappointed in the way she treats you, you will need to have a pretty serious chat with your DP.

I would tell him if he is having doubts and is un happy you need to put the wedding on hold now before stag/hen do's while the pair of you work it out.

Not him going and confiding in another.

It may make him realise she is no friend of your relationship.

If he only said what he said he did, then she's read into his comments something that isn't there, and she wants to tell him she has feelings for him.

So that's one kind of problem.

If he did actually express doubts to her, and is now minimising it to you - that's another kind of problem.

I think some people reply on this thread are being deliberately naive.

If she was best friends with your DH then she would be polite and welcoming with regards to you opening your arms and wanting a friendship too. She isn't. She's being cold and actually quite rude.

It was the text she send your DH that makes it all very clear...
"big news eh"
That's a very cold message to send to her best friend when he has just become engaged. Ignoring you is rude too. Yes, she is your DH best friend and not yours, but ignoring you! How can anyone think that it is normal? You've had dinner dates with her a other friends together etc, so have experienced an intimate setting with the women, yet she still ignores you? It's clear, she has a problem.

It's either going to be that she doesn't like you, or she is jealous. Perhaps both? But there is definitely an issue.

I would not invite her to your hen. Keep up the barrier that she has put in place and remember that she has made it clear she is friends with your DH and isn't bothered about a friendship with you. Respect that and leave her to get on with it. By her putting up this barrier, it will cause her friendship with your DH to go down hill. The only person to blame, will be herself.

Cringing at my grammar!

In my weak defence, I am using my phone and it autocorrects all over the place.

They arnt best friends. He is the 'one that got away' or what ever.

She has more feelings for him than just friends and I'd say the same back about him, Regardless if they both have partners.

Open your eyes before you you spend a fortune.