Am I jealous or is she?

[Fosterslover]

Am I jealous or is she

Long story short, have been with my dp 15 months, he has a female best friend who I've basically bent over backwards for, she is quite hard work, thought we were getting somewhere though as socialise in a group quite often.

However she has form for ignoring my texts to her, whilst replying/or sending my dp a message/text, they speak nearly every day, I was upset by this as I thought it was rude to ignore me, but dp said he couldn't understand why she wouldn't reply to me.

Anyway dp and I got engaged about 5 weeks ago, wedding is at end of September, I was the one to tell her when we were out for dinner with another friend, she didn't really respond with congratulations and texted my dp when I got home saying "big news eh" I saw her a few days later at the same friends bday party and she refused to speak to me, she hasn't spoken to me since.

When we sent out the wedding reception invites, I noted on the back to rsvp to me as I have FB and my dp doesn't, and not all invites have my tel no, (she does). She texted him saying "oh your invite arrived today" didn't let me know.

My dp wants her there for the day as well, ceremony then afternoon tea as wedding breakfast before reception, sent invites out last week with a menu to preorder food, no response from her.

My friend who is organising my hen has asked me if I want to invite this girl to it, I'm not sure I do as I feel she is being very rude and disapproving of our marriage and I feel she would have a long face during the hen and also wedding day, I can't not invite her to the wedding as dp gets on with her so well and I need to consider this, but I don't understand how or why she's gone so cold on me.

His background with her was they met on a dating website about 2 1/2 years ago, went on one date and decided better off as friends. I know there's no threat on the feelings side and she has a dp that she lives with who she's been with a year.

Thoughts please?

The fact she is pushing you to the sidelines is a Big Fat Red Flag.
People who have above-board/on the level friendships - (that are devoid of flirting and inappropriate feelings), don't feel the need to hide things and blank or ignore the friend's partner.
There's feelings there - more than likely from her towards him. This is why she avoids you - she is worried that even though thinks she hides it well, there is a risk that you will be able to see it - in her interactions with him.
It makes her uncomfortable - so she avoids you. It's safer.

I wouldn't tell him to cut the friendship. You can't do that to another person - it's too controlling.

But, you should keep an eye on this friendship. Don't betoo complacent.

Maybe just say the truth to your friends - that you agonized over inviting her but that because she'd been ignoring you since you announced the engagement you felt awkward inviting her.

But I wouldn't announce that, I'd only say anything if specifically asked. And I wouldn't be drawn into anything that may be misconstrued as bitching behind her back - that won't make you look very good.

Or, just invite her but make it the same time as the stag - if she's invited to both she will choose the stag (surely?) And then you don't look bad, and she doesn't either.

My best friend was a bloke, right up until he moved to Australia and had to be replaced due to lack of attendance on the friend front ????. Anyway he found himself a girlfriend, she was nice enough, just absolutely not my cup of tea and I am sure I wasn't hers but she was absolutely determined we were going to be best buds. She was jealous and I think thought she had to get me On Side. I was already on side, his side and by extension hers too, I just didn't particularly want to spend time alone with her. I made the effort but it was hard work. In summary there isn't necessarily jealousy. You wouldn't be putting so much effort into trying to make friends with his male friends would you?

I just don't want to end up looking like a bitch for not inviting her.

Why are you so concerned with what others think?

Your DP is being disingenuous and is wilfully ignoring that his so called best friend obviously doesn't like you, which begs the question, why does he standby and watch you try so hard with someone who he knows isn't interested. I guess your DP is pretending because he doesn't want to challenge her behaviour, which seems odd and speaks volumes about the nature of their friendship.

I have no problem with friendships of the opposite sex but all this acting is just so teenage. If your DP wants to pretend that his friend doesn't like you, then that is his prerogative but I would seriously object to any kind of role (being accused of being unfriendly) in his denial.

I'm not sure she's jealous, but I do think she's pissed off with you... but not in a sexual way, in a friendship way. From your OP:

• You, not her friend that she "speaks to every day", were the one to tell her that he was engaged (you being engaged is irrelevant to her, you told her that her best friend was engaged before he did);
• When sending out invites you asked that she reply to you, and not the friend she "speaks to every day" (most people just reply to the person they know).

I would be really surprised if I was told my the significant other of my best friend and not my friend. In your situation it would be easy to feel (based on any other interactions), that you were trying to "mark your territory" and letting her know her place.

The sending of the invites, her texting your fiance isn't unusual. His male friends have also likely told him that they got them. She will probably also tell him whether she's coming or not.. but that's not necessarily a slight. It happens all the time and happened to me too.. we had people RSVPing to my MIL because they saw her/spoke to her more often but yes, it did drive me nuts.

You had good intentions I'm sure in all of the above, didn't do it intentionally, but it does look like you're pushing him away from her. She obviously doesn't want to be close friends with you, and she doesn't have to be, just the same as his male friends.

It's not typical to just invite every female that you know to your hens, it's usually just the brides close friends, male and/or female depending on your style. If you had male friends you wouldn't expect them to go to your fiance's stag, they would come out with you wouldn't they? So it's the same with her. She's your fiance's friend, not yours. If he chooses to invite her to his, then that's his business, but you don't have to invite her to yours.

I think she sees your "bending over backwards" with her as you peeing over your territory.

Why instruct her to RSVP. To you? Why would an RSVP be acceptable to your fiancé, her friend?

Why didn't you let your dp tell her about the engagement? She may have seen it in a completely different light to how you meant it.

X post with sykadelic

If she was a true friend she would have been genuinely happy at the announcement.

She does have an issue with it and an issue with you.

Rise above it all, send the invite and fingers crossed she won't accept it.

What does your future husband think of her behaviour?

I spoke to my dp about telling her, we were both excited and I happened to be out with her and another friend without him, he said well as you are out, you may as well tell them both, he doesn't see it as a bad thing that I told her, he encouraged it, and he knows i haven't have any contact with her since but he has just told me not to worry.

I've never tried to "Mark" my territory with him or her friendship, in fact I have only tried to be friendly as he was keen for us to get on as I moved countries to be with him and didn't know anyone when I moved when he had already an existing close group of friends, this group have been absolutely fine with us and telling them about the engagement apart from her.

The only reason I said to respond to me with the invites, was because a few people who are invited are based a way away, are more mutual friends that we only see a couple of times a year though our common interest, not all have my/his phone no and my dp doesn't have FB, I do, and everyone who is coming is on my friends list. I just thought it would be easier as he is happy for me to do the organising for people to respond to me directly. Wish I hadn't bothered now as I feel like the cunt in all of this.

How about asking on a facebook if anyone would like to join you on your hen night? That way you can say it was open invite and she didnt want to come??

I think you just need to go understand that she is your DP's friend and not yours. Do you text his male friends?

I know that I've had a couple of male friends whose partners have immediately tried to add me on Facebook and it smacks of them checking up on me. I ignore them.

Lavenderice, how sad that you regard overtures of friendliness as "checking up on you." And how rude of you just to ignore them.

She's your DPs friend and whatever issues she has with his communication, with the concept of marriage, with him possibly spending less time with her in his new married life, with him finding success and happiness in his relationship and hers not seeming as perfect, etc are her problems to share, or not share with him. Not you. You tried, her response is obvious, so back away.

I would now ask your DP to chase up the RSVP by phone or text with her by the given date.

Does he want her on the stag do? Can't he ask which she'd prefer? Stag, hen or possibly both?

Just put this down as a friendship you can't share (surely he has some male friends too that you may not particularly be enamoured with?) enjoy your wedding and the good friends that you do have.

Winkywinkola Is funny how the partners of my female friends never send me friends request.

Also my FB is a tight ship, I never accept friends requests from anybody I've never met in real life. That's not rude, just sensible.

Lavender, I do text his male friends actually, as I said before we are all part of a group so everyone that will be there is part of this group including dp's best female friend. She is the only one giving any negativity regarding this. It's been decided she will not be asked to my hen now, and I have explained to dp that maybe she would prefer to go to his instead. I haven't tried to be friends with her to please my dp or because I'm threatened or anything, I've tried to be be friends with her cos I end up seeing her all the bloody time with our group and she is the only one who is rude and disapproving!!! Everyone else is fab.

If they speak every day then that's not appropriate for just a friendship IMO.

She sounds like she could be trouble, definitely. Why would she ignore your texts? Tread carefully.

I've no idea if she's got residual feelings for him - perhaps she does - or whether she just can't be arsed to be friends with you. There's no reason why she should?

If a friend of my husband's kept texting me I'd probably ignore them after a while...

If you make friendly overtures to someone and they don't respond, you just leave it, surely?

There's no reason to invite her to your hen party - that's for your close friends. The fact that one of your friends is her friend is irrelevant.

Does no one really think that she could at least try to be polite then when I see her when I socialise with my other friends, as I explained, I haven't actually spoken to her for at least a month and I have not contacted her at all via any medium apart from sending day and evening invites to the wedding in the post. If she just wants to talk to my dp and not me, that's fine, no skin off my nose. She could do me the courtesy of at least being polite as I do not want her to be sulky or whatever on my wedding day if she does or doesn't approve. I don't care if I am friends or not with her now, but I don't want to upset myself or dp over someone's rudeness.

I think she should be polite, but she's clearly not going to be.

I don't think you should take her rudeness personally because either she's a jealous or she's just not that nice.

If she sulks on your wedding day so what? You'll be totally focused on your marriage and your close friends and family. I wouldn't give her a thought personally.

I'd up the ante, OP. Make a big show of inviting her, get DP to apply pressure from his side then get your proper mates to get her arseholed. They'll soon get to the bottom of it. My DP has one particular female friend who has been put on a pedestal by ALL the boys (can't think why, it's definitely nothing to do with the relentless flirting, hair flicking, leaning in, jutting her tits at them etc, oh no) and when she got married recently all the blokes were going on and on about her whereas none of the women had a single compliment to pay her and she just looked right through us all and ignored us the whole day, like she always does anyway. She'll be top of my hen do list when my DP finally gives in to my demands sets the date.

Op, I see where you are coming from. It's not a case of being your dp's friend and not yours because you share the same friends because you all socialise in a group.

We have a group of friends like that and we all text one another when the need arises regardless of gender or who was friends first etc because we all socialise together as one group. So, yes she was his friend first but now you are also in that group of friends and have socialised with her many times happily within the group and alone yourselfs. So, for that reason alone I do think it's strange and out of order the way you are behaving.

I do think texting your dp every day is a lot. I don't even text my husband every day some days. I usually speak to my sister every day but can go a couple of weeks where we maybe only speak once or twice. It's quite excessive.

I wouldn't want someone at my wedding who was ignoring me either so I get that. Regarding the hen I'd make a Facebook event page and invite her to it along with the other women you socialise with and then the balls in her court. Your dp could also invite to his. Lastly I think if he speaks to her every day it is rather strange that he wouldn't bring this up with her and ask why she has been ignoring you.

*out of order the way SHE is behaving. Not you sorry. Should of proof read.

If she hasn't responded to the invite, text her and tell her you assume they're not coming!
She might be jealous, she might not, but she is being a dick - I'd just smile and ignore..... be perfectly pleasant when in a group, don't make any further effort. And don't feel like a mug - you've behaved well, it's not your fault she's being a pratt!