Am I being an over sensitive bitch?

[turkishly]

Okay this is gonna be long and I hope not too boring. Guess I just want to rant

Been with dh many years and have four dc. Hes what I would describe as quite serious and practical compared to me. Hes also, I guess, a bit tight. What spare cash we have I like doing stuff-days out, weekends away holidays etc. Creating memories. While he does like these things, there seems to be a limit on how many we do. He never very often suggests going anywhere but does always (reluctantly sometimes) agree.
This wouldnt necessarily be a problem except I dont drive so am limited to what I can and cannot do without him. Ive never been remotely interested in driving. I love walking and dont mind public transport. However there's only so far you can go without a car

Recently we decided to upgrade the car and have had a new one through my work. For the first time ever ive wished I could drive. Theses this new car sitting outside but it may as well be a jumbo jet for all the use it is to me.
Dh has been showing off a bit and showing his family etc.who all seem to refer to it as his car. I feel narked.childish I know

I said to dh I may learn to drive in the new year to which he basically replied I wouldn't be very good (!) And even if I did pass I wouldn't be able to handle a car this size! I feel humiliated.
I have been really sarky with him.and making a point of limiting the 'lifts' that I have in 'my'car.
Am I being a prat?

Do it. Cheeky fucker you got there; you need to make sure you are getting the benefits of your car.

Yy to the fact that "some right dopes" can drive. In fact, that's how I learned. It is a bit tricky at first, as the only difficult things about driving really are the first thing you have to learn - co-ordinating clutch, brakes and gears - so you can't start off easily and get to the tricky bits, you have to grapple with it straight away, and that can make you feel silly. Everyone does. However, whilst wondering if I was ever going to get the hang of it, I spent a week with a friend who really really isn't the brightest button in the basket, as they say. She is lovely but I had spent our teens propping her up and explaining everything to her, as she gazed back very blankly at me. But not only had she had passed her test, she was a brilliant driver. It made me realise that I had been overcomplicating things, and trying too hard. I went back home, relaxed and did what I was told and it became much, much easier after that.

Yy to an intensive course - the ones where you go away for a week's residential are brilliant - oh, and do have a word with your dh too. You are a team. You have four children with him, and are working in a resonsible job. You really don't mind sharing your car with him, but you do need some support and encouragement from him, not negative or patronising comments about your driving. He really, really needs to celebrate the fact that he has a brilliant wife who is happy to learn new things. Go for it.

Sorry I thought id just done a lengthy post but its disappeared!
Thanks sk much everyone. Im genuinely touched by your support and understanding.
I think a intensive course would be good for me. Id like block learning rather than gaps.
Sorry im losing track now but the poster who said she upped and took dcs away 150miles id exactly what id like to be able to do!
I have lots of annual leave so although I prefer doing stuff as a family its not always possible.
Today hes got up and said 'where do u want to go then?'
Hes totally missing the point. Plus hes got a sport planned later so its limited time.
Its a lovely day so id like to go to a park or something. We have one within walking distance but we do that all the time. Any bigger park means catching a bus. Even in a city they are every 30 min on a Sunday! So bit of a faff.

And I just said no point going out as on a schedule as got be back for him to go out (in the car).
Asked him how he would feel if he had to rely on me taking him to sports stuff. Said wouldn't mind. Well of course he would say that as its not going to happen !

My DH is about to start to learn and I cannot wait! One day I'll be able to be a passenger again!

Sorry your DH was mean about it. My parents were like that in a "jokey" but repetitive and grinding way ("keep death off the roads" "why would you need to? Just use buses!") but all it made me do was think "I'll show them!", if you see what I mean. These days I'm probably the better driver and I can see what they do wrong; their driving makes me cringe and grip for dear life sometimes!

In terms of learning, I learnt with a mix of block learning and regular in my late 20s. I can honestly say that it was the regular stuff which helped: the block stuff was fun because I LOVE driving and it meant a week of being in a car, and it probably helped, but totally honestly it's more muscle memory and getting used to different situations, times of day, etc than just "learning" if that makes sense. What I'm saying is don't assume that a block course alone will be enough - you'll really need a lot of regular, routine practice before you start being able to (for example) change a gear and glance in the mirror and look at a road sign and chat to the person near you, all without "thinking".

And don't be surprised if the first lesson is you trying to get to first gear and stalling the car a lot as you trundle down a street somewhere - you'll pick it up and be on to the good stuff sooner than you think! Good luck

You'll need more lessons than a teenager that's all. Older you are more lessons you need so make sure you've money to see it through. but you must go into this positively and not nervously or will take longer. Not helped by your DH attitude.
Find an instructor you like and feel comfortable with. Too many folk stay with instructors they don't like - my uncle driving Instructor for years and sees this all time. Someone comes to him after twenty lessons with some one else they've not liked and dreading lesson with but for some reason do t seem to realise they are paying and in charge.
Good luck. You learnt how to be a mum didn't you? Learnt your job? Learnt to swim maybe? Put mind to it and think positively and don't let others undermine you. Then you've freedom to do whatever you want when you want

My husband learned in later life, but he did find the gears difficult and had no road sense as never had used a car due to living in a city. He switched to automatic and never looked back, now uses car all the time. I would try manual first and see if you can crack it that way, but if you can't then getting an automatic license and car is next best thing and will give you a lot of freedom.

I would suggest repeat lessons rather than a block as well, it gives you time to reflect between sessions.
However whatever you decide it will be a life changer in a positive way.

I passed at 19 and I am 50 now. I've had some fab days out and holidays where DH hasn't been able to come that would have been difficult without a car. Even everyday stuff ican be so much easier if you have a car.

I really don't get your DHs problem.

Go for it... Take lessons and experience freedom to go where you like when you like ! One of my friends has just passed her test and she often asks me to go out with her so she can practice and still feel like there is a "safety net" ( no much of one, I'm sure I have lots of bad habits ). Don't worry about the size of the car... It's just like driving a small one but you need more room.

If you're worried about parking, practice. Pick an early Sunday morning, find an empty car park on an industrial estate, and practice reversing into a space, driving in forwards, parallel parking etc... as much as you like. It's like any skill. The more you practice, the more confident and comfortable you get.

And remember... Everyone else on the road really is an idiot, and they are out to get you. Defensive driving is the future !

Oh, and if he doesn't support you and come out for drives with your L plates on, find a friend that will. A GOOD friend because it will test you both ! :)

RLD.

His possessive attitude to your car and unsupportive comments about you learning to drive, reflects poorly on him, not you. I suspect he's bricking it a little because if you learn to drive, driving might no longer be the thing he has over you.

Take driving lessons for you and no one else. Driving is a skill but it isn't a 'life' skill, whatever that is. I live purposely in a big city, so that I can get around with public transport and I wouldn't expect any one to drive me to things they weren't interested in going to. The only time I've thought it might be useful to have car is when I'm at the bargain corner in IKEA and I know that the bookcase i'm eyeing, ain't going on the 51 bus.

I remember my Ex (who liked driving) would occasionally comment about him driving me places untill I would point out I would never expect a lift and if he was to offer, than he had no right to complain if on the rare occasion I accepted. I rarely asked anyway because I like my independence but he made it clear that he though me less grown up because I didn't drive. I guess his attitude made him a subscriber to the 'driving is a life skill' camp, MN has an uncanny knack of reminding me what an idiot that man baby was .

Personally I can't think of anything more tiresome than 'creating memories' at a National Trust property miles away, there must be a middle ground?

Yes the trip to Ikea gets me too. Many a time id love to nip and get some stuff from there. Virtually impossible to get flat packed stuff home without a car.
Yes I did learn to be a mum, still learning at that one. Learned my job, not easy. Havent learned to swim! See what a drip I am?! Hate water.
My dh sounds awful but he isnt really and I am certainly no walkover. Hes never enthusiastic at the best of times to be honest, about anything.
I agree about not having to drag people to places that they dont want to go hence my need to drive. I love being at home and doing things locally too. I also love days out etc. As I said previously dh only likes doing these things occasionally. Ive got all of Aug bank hol off but he doesnt want to do anything as we have not long ago had a holiday. So again, im.limited.
Hes happy taking kids park, swimming and stuff but not fussed about going further afield.
I dont ever expect lifts off anyone. And very rarely ask anyone.

It's actually selfish to want others to drive you everywhere just because you can't be arsed to learn how to drive.

For all intent and purposes it's his car because he drives it the most.

I have a fair amount of sympathy for your H here because you're coming off as passive aggressive.

Last night you said there was no chance he'd get up early and offer to take you out somewhere. He got up early and offered to take you out, you decided to cut your nose off to spite your face.

You're moaning about your family calling it "his" car - lady, you don't drive!

I'm still totally confused about how you can have a car "through work" that you can't get insured on and don't have a license for.

Grow up and learn to drive. And prepare to buy a cheap old banger as your first car because new drivers have prangs, end of.

arsenal I dont ask him to drive me anywhere very often. I go miles with kids walking or on publi c transport.
Although they are his kids so it's not like he's doing me a favour.
Isnt it also selfish that just because he likes doing fuck all so should I?
Not everyone drives its just we seem to live in a society now where people seem to think its a necessity as they are too lazy to walk anywhere.
Only reason I want a car is for holidays and to go beyond where the bus can take me. Im not asking anyone to chauffeur me around town!

If you are worried about parking then you could have parking sensors fitted on the car - but try not to worry until you have at least tried to drive. By the way, why are you waiting until the new year? If you fancy learning to drive then do it sooner rather than later!

Ooh thats a bit nasty.
He got up this morning and offered in a sarcastic way to take me somewhere. Like a favour. Thanks but no thanks.
And are you suggesting that im lying about the car being in my name? Really?
He is insured as the main driver but its in my name and it comes out of my salary.
Im just regretful now as its off no benefit to me. It may as well be an old banger. Hes just full of it,lovely new car etc.
And not all new drivers have prangs. He didn't and neither did his sister when she first drove. So why presume I would?

And less of the lady.
Its my car. If I buy a house and dont live in it, does it stop being my house?

I've been driving 12 years and never had a prang, it's not a given!

If most new drivers didn't have prangs, it wouldn't be so expensive to insure a car when you've just passed. I'm not saying you're 100% going to have one, but the chances of you doing so are a lot higher than someone who's been driving 20 years.

Do you own this car or not? If you own it, why is it coming out of your salary? Do you mean that you are the registered keeper? Because normally your company would own the car, not you. If you own the car, you shouldn't be paying tax on it.

I still think it's very unusual for a company to award a company car to someone who doesn't drive. Normally you would take the salary offset instead.

The only time I ever had an accident was when a lorry driver with 25 years experience ploughed into me. Ime, the longer someone is driving, the more of a liability they are as they get complacent and cocky.

Pocket the OP probably works in the car industry and therefore can buy one at a preferable price with deductions from her salary to her employer. A lot of people do it at the Toyota factory near to where I live. So she owns it, she pays for it and he drives it. It is not a company car and if she leaves the job she will take the car with her.

Pocketsaviour, that came across as a bit mean.

I don't think my DH is entitled for not learning to drive yet, there are circumstances behind everything and everyone, and he has his.

I also don't think he's entitled for for thinking of our car as "ours". It is "ours" even though I'm the driver and I wouldn't think of it any other way, it would be really rude and odd to think of driving DH as a "favour". It's just part of any partnership, you do things for each other.

But yes, my goodness, it'll be nice when he can drive too. First thing we're doing when he's up to speed is a looooong road trip to Scotland, it's totally planned out

There are companies and public sector bodies that offer benefits to staff eg, in place of a pay rise as it's cheaper, or to round out the package to attract and retain good staff, etc

Benefits can cover things like childcare vouchers, where the cost is taken out of your salary before tax, so you save money (salary sacrifice schemes). Other salary sacrifice schemes include being able to buy holiday vouchers, buying cars, and so on.

Staff save money by paying for the items via their payroll, so it is taken out before income tax is deducted. Cars bought under shcemes like this belong to the staff member, they are not company cars. OP could be in one of these schemes.

Pocket saviour. You are very rude and very nosey. Grilling me about whether the car is mine. Just because its a scheme you haven't heard of doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
Dont .like they way you are suggesting that im lying. If the car was in dhs name and he was paying then it would be his car.though id like to think that we are a team and its ours.
And its not a company car! I dont have a job that necessarily requires a car.

Pocketsaviour, lots of corporates offer schemes where their staff can buy a car at a good rate or on a special lease deal etc... I think you're getting a bit off track as to what the actual question is. It doesn't actually matter in the context of the thread whether the OP bought it from the proceeds of an inheritance, pays for it monthly from her salary, or won it in a raffle. You're focussing on something that doesn't really matter.

It's also not a given that a new driver will be more likely to have prangs. It's much more complicated than that, and that's why insurance companies put so much effort into ripping us off working out what premiums should be. Most people consider young male drivers to be the highest risk, but I read somewhere that actually a car full or young women is at least as much a risk. An older, though less experienced driver, married with children ( all questions asked to assess risk ) is likely to be less of a risk than a newly qualified young driver, simply because of the increased sense of responsibility they are expected to feel.

OP... Go learn to drive as soon as, and get that test passed ! :)

The chat he had with his sister about "car stuff" that you didn't understand probably isn't because you're not a driver, it's because you're not a "car girl" and not a mechanic. I drive and "car stuff" could still be things I don't understand. I think you're just feeling badly about yourself and projecting a bit there.

Cars aren't typically called "his" or "hers" based on who owns them, it's not something you can know from a glance, it's based on who's driving it. So even if the car is in your name, it can be yours, or his, or the family car. You don't drive, so it makes sense the people just assume it's "his". It's not meant as a slight, you're just feeling sensitive about it. We have several cars, all but one in my DH's name, the one's I drive are "mine" and the others are "his" (even though yes, they're "ours" we don't refer to them in that way). He's also calling it "his" because he's the one driving it, and the only one able to make use of it. Probably also a little because it was "his" car that was traded.

Also, your last post If the car was in dhs name and he was paying then it would be his car.though id like to think that we are a team and its ours. Which is not how you feel about "your" car.

I don't think this about the car, this is about how you feel dependent on him, how you don't feel like he respects you, and how you'd like to do stuff without him because he's not very gracious about it.

FWIW you probably won't be very good at first... learners rarely are, that's why you're learning. You probably also may get into an accident, you also may not. It also doesn't need to be because you're a bad driver, but could be because your reactions aren't the same as someone who's been driving for years. It really is a "years and years of practice" thing that has you reacting in a certain way. It's also nerves, where a long time driver is more confident in their ability. Not to mention some people really suck at driving (over confident, dangerous, bad) and you will be on the road with them.

Also, the size of the car DOES matter. I have a mid-size. I don't like smaller cars, and the bigger cars are a bitch to maneuver and park. I also don't like station wagons (or other vehicles with the rear window so far back). I drove a "sports car" and it's too low to the ground, I don't like it. I drive another one that's pretty popular and I didn't like the way the head rests blocked my blind spot. My SIL just got a new car and she's short so the mirrors obscure her view of the front tyres.

Perhaps if this car is the wrong size then you should trade it in for a more friendly vehicle for you to drive and learn in, or perhaps even 2 smaller cars. I do think you're taking this far more personally that he intended it to sound.