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Original poster

Long, Happy Marriages

58 replies

IAmLynetteScavo · 14/08/2015 23:23

They're not imaginary are they? I mean, obviously all marriages have peaks and troughs, but it's perfectly possible to remain happily married to one person for the remainder of your life isn't it?

It's just, everyone around me seems to have "problems" of some sort and we just, don't. This scares me. It's too perfect (not actually perfect, nothing is). I feel like I'm too secure, I'm waiting for something to go wrong because it's not possible to be this happy.

Am I being completely irrational?

OP posts:
Milllii · 14/08/2015 23:25

How long have you been together?

slimytoadwife · 14/08/2015 23:29

They have problems with their partners or just problems generally?

The 'happiest' couples I know are the people with the 2.4 kids, the semi detached, the office job. No real hobbies, interests or passions.

Original poster
IAmLynetteScavo · 14/08/2015 23:34

We've been together 6 years, were close friends for 4 years prior.

Problems specifically within relationships.

OP posts:
slimytoadwife · 14/08/2015 23:35

Everyones different. I wouldn't read anything into your own relationship based on others'

BertieBotts · 14/08/2015 23:38

I think being friends for years before getting together is probably the key.

You'd be surprised how many people don't even really like their spouse, let alone consider them a friend, it's weird.

RJnomore · 14/08/2015 23:40

It's not one long happy endless road, it's ups and downs, but I've been married 16 years and I'm happy. Sometimes I haven't been and sometimes it's hard but overall yes it's possible to be happy.

Milllii · 14/08/2015 23:41

You haven't been together all that long then if you have been married for 6 years. Long happy marriages can happen but they are usually achieved by going through the highs and lows and the problems to get there. Its being able to go through the bad times and relationship problems but still want to be together and to make it work and make it good.

BorisJohnsonsHair · 14/08/2015 23:42

I think you need to have fallen madly in love with one another. Only love will sustain a relationship long-term.

ps I am very old and very wise Grin

cozietoesie · 14/08/2015 23:49

Oh Yes, they do happen. In my experience, though, they're usually sustained very long term through - probably unconscious - compromise on the part of one or both partners and also in reaction to the expectations of others eg children, friends and families and society in general.

Capewrath · 14/08/2015 23:52

Compromise and preferably shared interests or at least acceptance of each other's interests and, critically, no contempt. It's that last that appears to be the greatest predictor of breakdowns a/c some research.

minsmum · 15/08/2015 00:17

Well I have been married 28 years next month. Still together, still happy not that there haven't been times I wanted to kill him and I'm sure vice versa.

minsmum · 15/08/2015 00:25

We have had our problems, still do. Ds who has Asbergers, very little time or money like most people. It's being kind to each other and valuing each other that seems to help.

ouryve · 15/08/2015 00:26

DH and I married and content after 11 years. Divorced my ex after 10, but had been contemplating it for the previous 5 (and we'd not slept together all that time).

Agree that there are plenty of times when I'm muttering at DH, under my breath and there are times when i confront him about something that's annoyed me, but the fact that I feel safe to confront him says so much.

The real warning sign with ex was the fact that I withdrew. I couldn't face the shitstorm if I even disappointed him slightly with my lack of adoration.

DramaAlpaca · 15/08/2015 00:52

We've been married for 25 years & we are happy. We were best friends before we got together, and we still are now. There have been ups & downs & difficult times but we've got through them and we both expect to stay together.

Breadandwine · 15/08/2015 01:10

Met and married within 5 months. 45 years ago! Smile

The only thing we have in common are our children and grandchildren!

No, really - we don't like the same music, TV, hobbies, food, etc. You name it and we're poles apart.

However, and I think this is perhaps the secret (or part of it, anyway) - we respect each other; I want her to be happy, and she wants me to be happy. And we actively work towards this.

It takes effort, that's true, but as long as you're both putting in the same amount of effort, it works.

Mind you, I do mutter under my breath from time to time - and, I expect, so does she! Grin

Salmotrutta · 15/08/2015 01:53

I echo BreadAndWine!

Married 30 plus years and we are very different people.

We argue, shout at each other etc. but we arrive at common ground eventually and move on from there.

Relationships are hard work.

It's easy to fall at the first hurdle - but the more difficult road of working through the peaks and troughs leads to level ground.

maras2 · 15/08/2015 04:05

Loads of highs,very few lows.Together 47 years but only married for 40.I'm only awake now as we're looking after one of the DGC's and she was a wee bit grizzley but settled down so Granny and Grandad decided to have a bit of a cuddle Grin as we were awake.Ah in the words of Sandie Shaw ' Long long live love '

Smilingforth · 15/08/2015 06:55

It's possible but there will be lows in amongst the highs!

Original poster
IAmLynetteScavo · 15/08/2015 07:59

Thank you all Flowers We also have our share of trials, of course. ASD affects our eldest, but we don't really argue and we both constantly compromise and try to make the other happy as said already. This isn't an effort to keep ourselves together though, it just makes us happy to see the other happy!

I will stop being silly now. What will be will be.

OP posts:
MrsMillions · 15/08/2015 08:08

Both my DPs and PILs celebrate 40 years of marriage this year so it's definitely possible.

The biggest lesson I'll take from my parents is to make sure you nurture the relationship through the trials and tribulations of children (especially teenagers!), elderly parents, and anything else life throws at you. Doesn't need to be anything flash or expensive, just quality time together.

Milllii · 15/08/2015 11:03

Try and always put each other first. You and he started it together and when the kids have left it will be just the two of you again.

rouxlebandit · 15/08/2015 16:58

Boris I think you need to have fallen madly in love with one another.

Not necessarily. You may be very old but not so wise! Love can sometimes grow from very unspectacular beginnings. I've said this on another thread somewhere that my mum married my dad to escape an unhappy homelife. He was very kind to her and she grew to love him over time. They had 3 children and were happily married for over 60 years - not without the occasional row of course!

pocketsaviour · 15/08/2015 17:18

I don't personally know anyone with a long (say 20+ years) and happy marriage. Maybe one of my uncles. I mean they're still together but I wouldn't say it had been plain sailing.

My other aunt is still married but basically wants to murder my uncle. My mum's been single for decades.

My sister has been with her husband for about 20 years, but I think they've only survived because they've opened their marriage and she thinks of herself more as his carer than his wife.

Capewrath · 16/08/2015 00:21

Arranged marriages can be very successful. One if my colleagues' love match was a disaster but his arranged marriage is by all accounts all one could wish for. Common understanding and expectations, determination to make it work.

Pinkball75 · 16/08/2015 00:29

We celebrated our 11th anniversary last week. There have been rough times, but I think if you love each other enough, you'll do what it takes to fix it rather than throw it away. Both me and DH have had issues that could and maybe should have been utter deal breakers, but we got through them. I married my best friend and accept his faults as he accepts mine. Nothing is ever perfect, but you can try and get there with a bit of understanding, love and not taking things personally.