Long, Happy Marriages

[IAmLynetteScavo]

They're not imaginary are they? I mean, obviously all marriages have peaks and troughs, but it's perfectly possible to remain happily married to one person for the remainder of your life isn't it?

It's just, everyone around me seems to have "problems" of some sort and we just, don't. This scares me. It's too perfect (not actually perfect, nothing is). I feel like I'm too secure, I'm waiting for something to go wrong because it's not possible to be this happy.

Am I being completely irrational?

My aunt was married for over 60 years. No kids. It was all about the two of them. They were very, very happy.

I'm aiming for my second marriage to be like that. This time round I'm marrying a good man just like my uncle.

31 years today!!!!
We met on holiday in Greece, were engaged before we got home and married 9 months later. We would have been married sooner but we discovered big family weddings take a while to arrange. We have had a few difficult times but as we have mellowed together over the years we seldom argue now and I still fancy him like mad as well as all the more mundane good things that keep couples together.

Most of my old school friends are happily in marriages that have lasted over 30 years, and now we are approaching 60 the excitement of retirement is making things even better.

My parents have been happily married for 45 years, my in laws for 50 years. My aunt and uncle had a shotgun wedding with her pregnant at 18, this was also 50 years ago and they have been very happy since then. Their three children have all been married happily for over 30 years. I've been happily married for 11 years, together for 16. I would say compromise, being nice to each other, kindness and minimal nagging seem to be a common thread between all these marriages.

20 years together and in some ways I like and love him more now than I did then.
I think you both have to want to be married, and see an inherent value in sticking with one person through thick and thin and loving them. For me, it's a massively rewarding thing to change and grow with DH.

I'd not worry at all that all around you people have problems. Having problems is no sign of a bad marriage. How you deal with them is what's telling. All marriages have huge strains and problems. If I listed ours on the relationships thread, there'd be pages of LTB.

But that's less than half the story. Neither of us expects the other person to be perfect. Both of us are tolerant of each other's failings. Both of us agree that if something goes horribly wrong then you work it out rather than walk away. But most of all we have more good than bad: we have a lot in common - we're alike in our interests, our politics, our moral viewpoints, our sense of humour. If we were taken off into separate rooms to plan an ideal day out just to please ourselves, they'd be very close days, so when we do go out, we have a great time.

We also fulfil what the other lacks. I come from a quite emotionally unstable family. He is solid, faithful, calm, quiet. His family are sluggish though - they put off ever doing anything. I drag him out to do things he'd never get round to, visit places he'd put off going to. So we enrich each other's lives.

We also come from families where marriages last. I wonder if that has anything to do with it. DH's parents were devoted until lovely M-I-L died; my parents', brother and sister's marriages have all survived for decades. His sis's first marriage broke up but she's been with the same man ever since. I think if all around you people work through the bad times, you have a precedent set for doing that yourself.

We'll have been married 40 years in January. As somebody remarked above, it's full of ups and downs but I guess the good times outweigh the bad and we still want to be together. Bit of a wobble on our recent holiday when we realised we want different things from a holiday. It was in a hot country and I couldn't take the relentless heat, whereas DW wants to be on the beach all the time, which I find boring. Almost at the end of the holiday, I realised that DW had the right approach by allowing herself to acclimatise - after all, the natives live with the heat - rather than looking for air conditioned environments all the time. I wish I had tried that from the outset.

I think a big influence on us was our respective parents; both sets were very happy together and we grew up wanting to be as happy as them. Our sons have all gone on to form successful (so far) committed relationships and we have some lovely actual and prospective daughters in law. We like to think it is due in large part to the example we tried hard to set as they were growing up. It often takes a long time to get the return on an investment, but the pay-off makes it all worthwhile.

I think you are being realistic OP and believe we need to be.
I'm sure and hope that your relationship will stand the test of time but so many don't.
I also don't think you can ever guarantee or believe either of you are in it for life as you have no idea what's going to happen down the line.
Even with dh married 23 years partners 27 I'm not 100% secure nothing will go wrong.
I agree that relationships take work, need good communication and sometimes compromise.

Good point wide boy and I like the way you acknowledge your wife might have had the right idea.

I'm sure that's at the root of your successful marriage. When you think you're in the wrong....say so.

Arrogance and aggression never win the day . I was married for 33 years and it makes me feel sad to think our marriage could have been so much happier.