Long, Happy Marriages

[IAmLynetteScavo]

They're not imaginary are they? I mean, obviously all marriages have peaks and troughs, but it's perfectly possible to remain happily married to one person for the remainder of your life isn't it?

It's just, everyone around me seems to have "problems" of some sort and we just, don't. This scares me. It's too perfect (not actually perfect, nothing is). I feel like I'm too secure, I'm waiting for something to go wrong because it's not possible to be this happy.

Am I being completely irrational?

We've been together for 19 years, married 17. We knew each other for about 3 years before we got together.

There has to be compromise I think. Compromise and mutual respect. We argue at times, but less so as time goes by. I'd say we are happy on the whole!

My DPs were married for 39 years & only separated by DF's death. I never heard them argue. Not once. It's only as an adult I realise how unusual that was!

There is a good reason for the traditional wedding vows:

"for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."

Most marriage, indeed most lives will have some of the 'worse', 'poorer' and 'sickness' in it.

You aren't onlybpromising to love and support them in the good times but also in the bad.

all long term relationships have peaks and troughs. You have to celebrate the peaks and try to hang on to each other through the troughs.

We've been together for over 25 years. We've had worse, poorer and sickness and I'm sure we will again. Still no one I'd rather have beside me for the journey though.

True vater. I also looked at the three traditional bits "Love honour and obey" and tried to "translate" them to modern meaning/what they mean to me. We wrote our own vows. I came up with the three meanings: Admiration for each other and believing in the other. Doing what you can to make the other's life easier. Trust. I romanticised/simplified it a bit but those sentiments were there and I do try to live by them.

All of that only works, of course, if your spouse does the same back. It can't be one sided.

Very try Bertie I was very careful not to promise to 'obey' though

I 'cherished' instead.

My DParents have been together for 50 years, and they still seem very happy. They argue, yes, and they wind each other up, but they definitely love each other still and overall, they enjoy each other's company.

DH and I have been married for 15 years, together for 20. We're very different, and sometimes we drive each other mad, but overall, it works.

Yes, I didn't like it either, which is what prompted me to look into it. It's not actually supposed to be "obey your master like a dog" kind of thing, it's more about trusting your partner's judgement and that they mean well and have your best interests at heart. It also doesn't mean that you shouldn't ever speak your mind or expect to be listened to, that part is covered by the honour part because spouses are not meant to act without considering the feelings and opinions of their partner, too. It does work as a package, it's just that the language is outdated and has different connotations now. Love is still the same of course but I wanted to quantify that in words too because I think sometimes we have a bit of a "Disney" idea of love which is tied into romance and isn't quite the same thing. The honour & obey kind of come together but is about listening, caring, respect, thinking of each other and then trust which is hugely important.

But what strikes me about all of this is that they aren't promises of things you're going to do so much as things that you should already be doing naturally by the time you are getting married. I don't actually think it's possible to start doing them by force of will, you either care and respect for somebody, trust and love them, or you don't. It made me think about what marriage actually is which is recognising that you've found somebody that you actually feel able to do these things for (which is quite a big ask especially as they have to come naturally to some extent) and you believe they will do them back, and for both of those to be true for the rest of your lives.

My marriage is almost 50 years and I cannot say it has been happy for every moment. There have been times when I have been unhappy and so has OH.

Two foundations stones that have prolonged our marriage through the bad times are respect and sexual faithfulness. Without those we would have parted.

Sometimes I have not liked by OH or the way he behaved and I am sure the same is true for him. We are only human after all. Looking back now I can see that we were both responsible in different ways, for some of the unhappy times, But also we were just reactions get to different stresses and circumstances in our own way. We are both very different people to what we were in the 60s when we married. We have been lucky to get to this stage i think.

I don't personally know anyone with a long (say 20+ years) and happy marriage. Maybe one of my uncles. I mean they're still together but I wouldn't say it had been plain sailing

That's so sad

DH and I have been together 22 years, and generally very happy. We always are affectionate and theres still butterflies when we see each other after being apart. There are times where we still miscommunicate or the past affects our present, life is good and we know how lucky we are.

My mum and dad split but my other 3 inches are all happily married too, still hold hands and when we're together as a family you can see them catch the eyes of my aunties and smile.

Likewise though I know of many others who haven't lasted or stay out of habit/obligation/fear of starting again, but I'm so glad I took the risk and committed to my DH.

3 inches ?! 3 uncles!

My parents were together from the time they were young teenagers until my dad died at 73.
I have been married for 26 years.

We are happy. We love and respect each other and we each care that the other is happy
We have had terrible times. My depression during DS2s early life was challenging. Having a child with severe difficulties reduces your life, your choices, your spontaneity . I think for a while we were together because neither one could be enough of a shit to walk away rather than because it was what we wanted. But caring about each other so much that you couldn't bear their hurt was a good enough reason for a couple of years. Then it got so much better again.
He's great. I love him.

happily married 25 years here. respect and honesty are the 2 key things to us. Also I believe it's the bad times that make a marriage stronger, if you can get through those supporting each other you've cracked it. We have had our down times no money, bereavement and an addicted teenage daughter and are through the other side. During the hard times we never held each other responsible and we never have argued about money when we didn't have any. what's the point of quarrelling over something you haven't got

I've only skimmed the thread but I'm always seeing "relationships are hard work" type comments. Well, I'm sorry but no they're not. Life can be hard work but the point is you're doing it together. After 11 years of marriage there have been hard times - family deaths, job losses through redundancy etc but I've never worked hard at my relationship. We communicate freely and honestly and do regularly reassess what we both want and support each other in achieving that. It's still fun and wonderful to know he's always on my side.
As friends divorce (we're seemingly at that stage in life and have had a flurry) we look at each other and question "are we the odd ones?" Maybe we are.

Mother, it sounds great. Well done. Might I suggest it can be harder though, esp if one if you, for example, develops a mental illness, or is otherwise incapacitated?

DH and I have been together for 39 years (married for 37). We've had our good times and our not-so-good times, good years, bad years and everything in between.
I think what keeps us together more than anything is the bedrock upon which we built our marriage in the first place - friendship, loyalty, and each looking out for the other.

I've only skimmed the thread but I'm always seeing "relationships are hard work" type comments. Well, I'm sorry but no they're not

Atm I'm going through some really trying times as I'm finally getting help for my previous partner raping and then cheating on me. That's left its mark.

My poor DH is getting help after losining both his parents before he was 40, both after long and debilitating illnesses. This has left him with only one blood family member left and a fear of havingvyo watch me and DD go through illness and death and him being left alone.

Whilst I'm glad for those who don't have challenging pasts that affect their present and future, I do wish they could show a little empathy and understanding for those of us who haven't had it as easy, rather than being so dismissive. Our relationship can be hard work, but the best things in life are worth it so I don't see that as a bad thing.

We have been married for 43 years and have had ups and downs but have worked through them as we believed the promises we made when we got married.

I do know that last year when dh was diagnosed with prostate cancer life was dreadful for a while as the thought of him not being there was appalling. He is now in recovery stage but we have had to accept that, due to hormone treatment, he is now impotent but as I married him "in sickness and in health" it is much better that he is here than not and I will always love him.

On the basis of 2 long term relationships my take is that too smooth is not always great. thought I had an amazing relationship - didn't argue, both prepared to compromise and very easy going. then 1 big issue came up and we had no experience of how to deal with real conflict. It turns out where we thought we were good communicators actually we were rubbish and kept too many things quiet and compromised too much that we'd lost sight of who we were to the relationship.
current relationship is so different - we talk and listen in a way I never understood before. We have very different opinions and upbringing - we can air them and although they can sometimes get heated there is a fundamental respect and love that means the communication is open and honest.

Small gestures always have worked for me - just received a lovely personal message on amillionloveletters.com from my hubby! We've been together for 7 years this month and he always does sweet little things like that, that show me he cares.

Anyone else agree?

My parents have been together 43 years and although the odd tiff, whilst growing up I never knew them to have big arguments. From the outside I think the reason they have lasted so long is that they genuinely like each other and enjoy each other's company.

They've never been showy or over affectionate but you can tell the love is there. My mum says 'it's the little things' and she's right. My dad may not profess his undying love every day but he does make her a cup of tea every morning. Ditto with my dh. I knew this was why I had to marry him.

Wasn't there a chapter in Freakonomics about this? They said that they could predict which marriages would last and which ones wouldn't.
It all came down to mutual respect.

Yes. I have one, long and very happy.

I honestly think that the main problem with most unhappy marriages/ relationships is that they simply picked the wrong people in the first place, that they really weren't suited to. The amount of people I know who will complain that there partner has changed, when they are the same people they always were, and the real problem is that they didn't change, they didn't become what the other person wanted them to. I know long married couples that don't even like each other, never mind about love.

Other than that, it is putting in a bit of effort. No, it shouldn't be hard work, or one sided work, but like anything worth having a marriage requires maintenance. Taking an interest, not taking each other for granted, not forgetting about each other in the midst of children and work and general life. And putting up with the low points and working through them. Not expecting it to be always roses and rainbows.

Been married for 15 years so far, together since 1997.
happy as Larry

I agree with motherofdragon's point about life being hard work, but a relationship gives you someone to go through it all with. There are tough things to deal with - we've certainly had what feels like more than our fair share and been hit by another earthquake-moment this week with a seriously ill sibling - but hopefully we'll come through this one like all the others with our sense of humour and relationship intact.

Love the point someone else made about the wedding vows containing the aspects most likely to crop up!

Again, whilst I don't disagree with you about the majority of nt/nt marriages, the experience of a number if friends - and my own- is that it is less the physical than the mental health or state that determines whether the relationship is hard work or not.

Hold cheap the cliffs of fall who ne'er held there.

So tread softly.

Been together 30 years, married for 28. We've had some tough times, unemployment, ill health. DD's teenage years weren't easy. But we've always been able to talk honestly to each other and we make an effort to spend time doing things together. We like each others company and we still make each other laugh.

Having the same attitude to money is hugely important as well, I think. We pool everything and have similar attitudes to spending. This might not work for everyone but it's important that you are both equal in financial terms, however you arrange it.

It's also the small things as others say. DH opens the garage door for me every night so I can just drive straight I when I get home from work. It's a tiny thing but it makes my life easier.