Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this be a deal breaker for you?

53 replies

Dealbreaker101 · 13/08/2015 17:09

I've been with my current partner for 4 years. When we met he took drugs, drank and smoked a lot. I knew this about him but it didn't bother me much. He has a very successful career and in his words 'works and plays' hard.

The relationship has been and is relatively fine. He recently proposed and I said yes. However I recently had a conversation with him in which I told him that if we are going to get married and have a family then he needs to change his lifestyle. I can't imagine leaving a child in the care of someone on cocaine whilst holding a beer.

In his opinion, which is true, I met him when he was as he has always been. I agree that his lifestyle has never been a problem for me this far and he's always been a caring a respective partner. He thinks the next step is to get married and have children. He thinks that he obviously won't be doing drugs and drinking in front of the children but I want him to stop entirely.

Would this be a deal breaker for you, all else being fine?

OP posts:
SusanMichelson · 13/08/2015 17:16

It would for me because I can't be around people who have a deliberately altered mental state - it just doesn't work for me. I don't drink or do drugs and so we would be worlds apart.

It might not have to be a dealbreaker for you but I would not want to have children with someone who still insisted on taking cocaine and so on as a 'responsible' adult - it's time to get real when you have kids.

Attitude would put me off I think. You sound unconvinced too?

harryhausen · 13/08/2015 17:17

Him doing this when married wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker for me, but with kids - absolutely yes.

Having said that, I know quite a few parents who have the odd spliff in garden in the evenings when their dcs are in bed. Some have stopped now their kids are older though. I think doing coke etc would be too far for me, but then I don't even drink.

SusanMichelson · 13/08/2015 17:18

I mean you have to be a team - what if he goes out partying one night, leaving you on your own, and your child is ill or something - a fat lot of use he's going to be and that will make you resent him properly.

I don't think he has grasped the commitment parenthood involves.

Findtheoldme · 13/08/2015 17:21

It's not comparable. You chose to be with a man who drinks and does drugs. It doesn't mean you want that for your child.

He has to agree to stop or else you walk as that isn't what you want but you have to mean it. He has no reason to stop as he sees nothing wrong in what he is doing and maybe sees child care as your job..

Twinklestein · 13/08/2015 17:27

It's not just about doing them around the children it's about having drugs in the house, it's about him having a massive hangover when he's needed for childcare etc.

You can say you were fine with his lifestyle when it was just you two, but if he wants kids he needs to completely stop. Whether he can stop is another matter.

If he can't or doesn't want to, fine, you can have kids with someone else.

Summerlovinf · 13/08/2015 17:31

He's telling you that he's not going to change. That's fair enough. Don't have kids with him.

Original poster
Dealbreaker101 · 13/08/2015 17:37

I don't think he has grasped the commitment parenthood involves.

Susan That is exactly what I mean.

As twinkle says, I was and am fine with it when it's just us two but bringing a child in the equation seems very selfish. I think perhaps I might have been self delusional to think he'd change after all this time.

I was fine with it but I don't want to marry someone who does this sort of thing on a daily basis. I think I was having fun but in terms of a family and the future I can't imagine it. Am I supposed to nurse his hangover whilst looking after a newborn? Madness. I'm not sure which one of us is issuing an ultimatum to the other. I'm beginning to think I'm being unreasonable as I've always known him the way he is. Why should someone change for someone else? iyswim. And if I want kids I don't have time to sit around waiting but even still I don't want to have children with someone constantly out of their head.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 13/08/2015 17:38

Yes
Definitely
Don't even consider having children with him. It won't end well.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/08/2015 17:54

Dealbreaker, absolutely. But not just because of children. There's also the possibility of arrest and prison for drugs or drink driving. Now you're talking job loss, legal fees, and public embarrassment.

SusanMichelson · 13/08/2015 18:02

I think that it's not really about ultimatums. He clearly does not want to change his behaviour; you are clearly not OK with him continuing it.

I think you have either to rethink the whole children idea or just walk away from the relationship now, before it gets to the point where you feel unable to establish a new relationship with someone more compatible, if that doesn't sound too harsh -

what you should not do is hope that he will 'come round' to it, because he's told you exactly how he feels about the issue and you can't ignore that.

Handywoman · 13/08/2015 18:03

You can't marry someone on the proviso that they'll change. You just can't.

Dealbreaker.

SusanMichelson · 13/08/2015 18:05

What I mean is it would be unreasonable of you to expect him to change, when he doesn't want to - and unreasonable of him to expect you to put up with his habits when you're not happy about them.

No one has to be unreasonable or change. But you do have to make a decision about what you want and whether having children with someone is more important to you than staying with him.

Once you're alright with your own position on that, the decision to stay or go will be straightforward - but staying with someone when you're not compatible would be unreasonable on both sides.

Dynomite · 13/08/2015 18:09

Massive dealbreaker! No way will you be able to trust him or rely on him for childcare and emotional support when things get tough.
He's told you very clearly he won't change. Staying in this relationship and having children will end badly. Don't sit around hoping he'll see the light and miraculously give up a drink and drug habit.

ItsAll · 13/08/2015 18:10

It would be a deal breaker for me too.

redgoat · 13/08/2015 18:15

Deal breaker for me too for all the reasons already mentioned. This won't end well.

TRexingInAsda · 13/08/2015 18:20

Complete dealbreaker. If you stay with him, you cannot in good conscience bring a child into this lifestyle (you would end up splitting up anyway). It'd be either having kids, or staying with him for any responsible person in their right mind me.

Zillie77 · 13/08/2015 18:23

It would one thousand percent be a deal breaker for me, but it would have been a deal breaker from the very beginning. I never would have started a relationship with him.

Perhaps the reality of marriage and co-parenthood has made you see his behavior more clearly, and you now realize that it is not a sustainable relationship as-is. If he does commit to changing, watch out for an acceleration in other risky habits, as that often happens when people give up drugs and/or alcohol. People tend to (consciously or unconsciously) substitute one addiction for another. I work in addictions and I have seen this time and time again.

WanderingTrolley1 · 13/08/2015 18:23

Dealbreaker. Definitely.

WickedWax · 13/08/2015 18:25

Time to decide what you want more - children, or a relationship with him?

It seems the two won't be compatible, so it's one or the other.

AmIFatMyBMIis25point8 · 13/08/2015 18:27

U r smart to see the future and wonder about how good it looks..

You would be in his bad books if you couldnt keep the children quiet and out of his way.

Also, whilst there are arguments he can use (eg not in front of kids) it just doesnt show much excitement for the next chapter, children. He will fit them in around work hard play hard. YOU will have to pick up the slack.

:-/

MysteryMan1 · 13/08/2015 18:30

Of course it is a deal breaker..I would never have got involved in the first place if you were even thinking kids at any point.

gamerchick · 13/08/2015 18:31

Thing is things do change when you start sprogging.. This is a fact. He's basically saying that nothing will change for him and you will have to suck it up.

Personally I would turn down his proposal, that things are fine and equally balanced as they are. Please
Don't have babies with this person as you will end up resentful and unhappy.

QuiteLikely5 · 13/08/2015 18:34

I dont think you are unreasonable for asking about his future drug use and behaviour, far from it but you would be very, very unreasonable and realistic to have a child with a man who has told you he isn't prepared to sacrifice these things in order to promote the wellbeing of a child.

Be careful, he's told you, you know, you're not happy with his answer. Don't ignore.

Foresight is a marvellous thing!

QuiteLikely5 · 13/08/2015 18:34

Realistic should be unrealistic doh!

foxinsocks · 13/08/2015 18:34

he doesn't want to grow up and that's about the end of it

I suspect if you tell him you don't want to marry him, it might start the change process in his head

but be careful of the promises then running down the pub and doing it anyway with his mates

Has he got a big group of friends who do this? If he's the type who's easily swayed and they are not at the settling down phase, he will find it very difficult if he's not the type with a backbone

Swipe left for the next trending thread