Would this be a deal breaker for you?

[Dealbreaker101]

I've been with my current partner for 4 years. When we met he took drugs, drank and smoked a lot. I knew this about him but it didn't bother me much. He has a very successful career and in his words 'works and plays' hard.

The relationship has been and is relatively fine. He recently proposed and I said yes. However I recently had a conversation with him in which I told him that if we are going to get married and have a family then he needs to change his lifestyle. I can't imagine leaving a child in the care of someone on cocaine whilst holding a beer.

In his opinion, which is true, I met him when he was as he has always been. I agree that his lifestyle has never been a problem for me this far and he's always been a caring a respective partner. He thinks the next step is to get married and have children. He thinks that he obviously won't be doing drugs and drinking in front of the children but I want him to stop entirely.

Would this be a deal breaker for you, all else being fine?

if you have kids with this bloke you will regret it

you know it

You said on a daily basis

He does drugs on a daily basis? Then he's an addict who is telling you he will not give up. Run, run like the wind.

Why on earth would you start a relationship with a cokehead and think its ok? It's funny how the great career etc make it more acceptable compared to the scally on the council estate. Suppose he doesnt need to go without food for his fix though. Bet he'd completely deny being a drug addict too.
If this is his personallity he will always need a fix from somewhere/something.
Still a cokehead.

It would be a deal breaker, I wouldn't want to think about settling down with him until after he's stopped, not once you have DCs, but well before you make any legal commitment like marriage.

It's also OK to admit to yourself your standards are higher for "man I plan to have a family with and spend the rest of my life with" to "man I'm dating and having fun with" - his drug taking and general lifestyle wasn't a problem when he was in the latter category, but is not acceptable for the former.

He's not in the wrong for not changing if he doesnt want to, and he's right, you got together with him like that - but that doesn't mean because you accepted a low standard for your "bloke I'm dating" you are "stuck" with a low standard for "man I'm spending the rest of my life with" - it could be that as much as you care about him, he's not the right person for you long term, and that you aren't the right person for him.

He might well change in order to keep you, but you'll never truely trust him as it hasn't come from him wanting to change and grow up. And he'll resent you for "making" him change.

Sounds like it's time to move on. At least you'll better know what you're looking for next time round.

What if you split up e.g because he does drugs in front of your DC. You'd probably end up having to give this man access to your DC, then what? (IMO these career types often think nothing of throwing £1000s at a court battle just to win).

You already know he's selfish because he wouldn't consider giving up drugs for a DC's sake, he's only "considerate" to you because so far you've quietly agreed to accept his choices. It's easy to be nice to people when you're not being challenged by them.

I don't think it's a question of you not having the right to expect him to give up drugs etc if you become parents just because you knew what he was like when you first got together. People grow and develop and what was right for us once is not necessarily right for us forever or we'd all still be playing with toys. If he won't be drug free then this is who he is, not something he does which would be a definite dealbreaker for me.

Thank God you're having the foresight to post this now. You know what the answer is. Having a "party" life style doesn't necessarily make your fella a bad person, or a bad partner. But it would completely irresponsible to start a family with this man. You and your child would lose out emotionally and financially. If he wanted to stop taking drugs he would do so of his own volition, not because you are asking him to. He just doesn't see a problem with his behaviour. And he may be surprised to find that he can't quit just like that, even if he wants to. I know many people who manage this type of lifestyle very successfully and hold down good jobs etc but it doesn't make them any less addicted than the ones who go on to unravel and hit rock bottom. He could end up resenting you for it too if you force him to change. You really are in a position where you are at a cross roads and you can make the right decision now. Best of luck xxx

Don't marry him and don't have kids with him. He's telling you who he is and what his priorities are - believe him

DinosaursRoar You've summed it up really. In our youth or earlier days what he was doing was fine but in the future I don't want that. I don't want to question if I can leave my dc with their own father.

I can't cope with having thrown away 4/5 years of my life if I leave. I don't even know how I would get out of an engagement.

I just wanted to know that it is possible for him to change as maybe having children would change him? Equally I don't want to put myself in that sort of shit if I can walk away and just deal with the heartbreak and get on with life.

Having children will not change him if he's a drug addict - how often does he take drugs?

It's a damn site easier to walk away from an engagement that a marriage with children.

It IS possible for him to change but he's got to REALLY want to and it just doesn't sound like he does.
I've been there as an ex coke user and it's really bloody hard to stop. There's the physical addiction to deal with first and then the social aspect of cutting people out of his life etc. This is deeply ingrained behaviour and he's already convincing himself that his drug taking wouldn't affect you or your family. The chances are he would just do it secretly behind your back.

So sorry OP. Don't put yourself through this . Do you really want to be back here in a few years time with a toddler in tow posting an altogether different story?

I can't cope with having thrown away 4/5 years of my life if I leave. I don't even know how I would get out of an engagement

Maybe FF 10 years.

You are Stuck in a crap marriage with 2 children by a man who will not be an equal parent, wastes money on drugs and is facing his 3rd possession charge for class a drugs. He's facing prison. You have no job because you gave up work to look after the kids. Now he faces losing his job too. Your livelihood is up in smoke.You owe thousands in rent that he has blown on drugs, you have dealers knocking on the door trying to recover drug debts. You may lose your house and be housed in a skanky b&B with you kids

That is much, much harder to get out of.

It's possible he could change. DH occasionally took drugs on nights out pre-DC and I have no problem with that; very occasionally I did too. We lived a different lifestyle then.

It all stopped once I got pregnant (actually it stopped once we started trying for a baby). Neither of us have touched anything again. He feels totally different now about the whole thing - responsibility to keep yourself healthy for DC, to keep a job, to not waste money, to be in a fit state to look after DC etc. I'm not sure he would have realised the extent of this responsibility pre DC as I do believe you only truly get what it means when you actually have kids, but he always said it wasn't a lifestyle he'd live forever which your DP doesn't seem to think.

Peer group is really key here too - if it's endemic behaviour it is much harder to stop whereas if a few people are also in the same boat it becomes easier.

So, yeah, people do change BUT they need to be open to the possibility of change first - sounds as if this is your problem

you are going to marry him, aren't you ?

it's pretty easy to call off an engagement....if you really want to

much easier than the alternative

don't be a victim of misplaced hope....when you look back and realise this could have been your turning point, you will hate yourself

You've been living with an addict for 4/5 years. At what point did you ever think it was an "investment"?

The last 4/5 years are gone. It wasn't that bad, you say.

So, good, it was an experience and now you are ready for the next chapter of life. Now you just need to find the right sort of person to marry and settle down with. Every additional second you spend with this person is a waste of your precious time.

I used to drink smoke and take drugs in my early 20s. Then I grew up.

Just because he did all these things when you met him, doesn't mean he can't start phAsing it out and becoming a responsible adult.

Also another observation I have made having been in recovery and knowing many addicts - it tends to be the people who manage their addictions successfully that take longer to stop- if at all. When you are an addict whose substance abuse affects your work and your relationships you have much much more incentive to quit as it is impacting your immediate reality and quality of life. He just doesn't fall into that category. He enjoys it . It's how he relaxes . You may not even like the person he becomes if he stops taking drugs because he would need to find a different outlet for unwinding and he just doesn't know a life without drugs.

I can't cope with having thrown away 4/5 years of my life if I leave.
See Sunk costs fallacy.

I don't even know how I would get out of an engagement.
Just be honest. "After our talk the other night about having children, you made it clear you weren't going to stop drinking or taking coke. Unfortunately I can't bring up children in that environment, so I think it's best we part ways. [I'll always love you but] our values are different."

I think you have 2 choices here.

1. Marry him and accept him for the way he is, but accept that you will never have kids (unless of course he does change first)

2. Run.

Id run TBH. Yeah it might sound like a bit of fun to a younger me and could be an experience, but that's all it would be TBH. Definately not something to consider living with for the rest of my life, let alone bringing children up.

I just wanted to know that it is possible for him to change as maybe having children would change him?

Hell of a big risk to take, eh?

People don't change. He has already told you that he has no intention of changing.

Of course he grasps the commitment parenthood is. Everyone on the planet knows it. We see it all around us. He knows something extra though. He knows that as a man, he doesn't have to make the commitment if he finds the right woman.

You see you'll do everything. He'll do nothing. He gets to keep his old lifestyle and have someone else clean his pants, cook his dinner and raise his children. It happens all the time, loads of people have relationships like that. That's what he wants.

Most importantly he has already told you that's the deal.

Personally, I would not accept that deal.

I certainly wouldn't throw away the next 25 years in the hope that he won't do what he has said he will do.

Tell people: "When we talked about how we would be raising our children, he told me he planned to keep his current lifestyle and I am afraid that is a deal breaker for me. I am glad he was honest with me. It has saved us both a lot of future pain."

I don't see why the years with him are a waste. You were obviously happy with him at the time, so it was right for you then.

Now, if you want kids your perspective changes.

You must have always known you wouldn't have kids with him. And that he wouldn't give up his drink and drugs.

It's time to move on to the next chapter.

Deal breaker. If you have children with him and split up when he doesn't change you could end up with 50:50 care if there is no proof. It would be horrific to share a child with this man. He is even telling you he doesn't want to change.

The problem is you met someone who does drugs and in your words you weren't 'bothered'. Why did it not bother you? When you choose people like this in your life you should be questioning why you've set the bar so low.
He's already kicking up a fuss about you knew what you've got yourself into and in fairness he's right. Do you really think marrying a druggie is the road you want to take, bring children up with? You may have spent 4/5 years with him, it doesn't mean you need to do another 10 because you will end up unhappy. Think about it seriously.

You haven't thrown away 4/5 years of your life - even if the only thing going on in your life for the last 5 years has been him (which I doubt), you will have learned and grown within your relationship with him, you are not the same person you were 5 years ago, you will have changed and matured. Your life is more than just your relationship.

look at it another way - Imagine you took a job a company A, thinking it was an amazing opportunity, it would be great for your career aspirations, it was the sort of place people stayed for 20+ years and you were really happy to be there. Then 5 years later, your career aspirations had changed and company B offering a different role would be a better fit for you, would you really think "gosh, I've thrown away 5 years of my life in company A"?

Loads of us drank, smoked, took drugs, bungee jumped, stayed up all night, slept around etc etc etc.

Then we grew up. We willingly gave it all up for a life more meaningful and fulfilling.

He isn't open to this. He is being selfish. If you don't have children with someone who is mature, wants to accept responsibility and share the burdens you will be left holding the baby, quite literally. He will not change. You will, he won't.

He will always use the 'you knew what you were getting into' arguement, absolving himself of any responsibility and putting it entirely on to you.

If you have a baby with him make sure you marry him, make sure you have everything in place so that when you do split up (because you are boiling with resentment that you have made all the sacrifices and he hasn't changed and matured with you,) that you are left financially secure and with a roof over your and your child's (children's) head.

Massive red flag here, flapping wildly in your face.

As for getting out of the engagement, you tell him you realised while you love being with him now, you can't see that you'd be happy having a family with him and can't marry him knowing that, as you will want children in the future but know he'd not be the right person.

Then you tell people that you realised it wasn't right, and you'd been bobbling along, then the engagement made you think about the future, and while he's a lovely man, you don't think you are right for each other.