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Original poster

Visits from grandparents- how much is too much?

86 replies

Ineedmorewine · 12/08/2015 11:31

I've NC as my DMIL is on this site!

DH and I live about 120 miles from PILs. ATM we see them about 3-4 times a year.
I'm 8 months PG. PILs were planning to visit in the first week after the baby's born but I put my foot down on this and said I want time with DH and DBaby before anyone visits. They were pissed off but I think they get it.

Last night on Skype DMIL said something along the lines of 'We'll come and visit every two or three weeks for a weekend'. I was Shock but I didn't say anything at the time.

Is it me or is this really excessive? I get that they want to see DBaby but the idea of every 1 in 2 or 1 in 3 weekends being eaten up by PILs visiting is a nightmare.
I was envisaging seeing them maybe every couple of months but I think they have different ideas. One of my cousins on FB said his parents come every month but even this, I think, is a bit much.

What do you think?

OP posts:
slithytove · 13/08/2015 13:20

And I actually wouldn't be asking stuff like "can we take baby for a walk". Nothing the new mum might want to say no to, but feels she can't.

Just be there. Be kind. Be considerate. Give baby back when they cry. Make tea, meals, etc. Support your son in being a good husband and father.

Remember what those baby blues are like! And remember too that these early days can set up a lifetime of a wonderful relationship with your grandchild, and the mother of your grandchild. If done the right way.

okitoki · 13/08/2015 13:33

For me it's not about how often they visit but what they do when they're here. If they're gonna lounge around 'hogging' the baby expecting you to cater and host, no way. If they're gonna help, like vacuum, cook, do a bit of laundry, take the baby out for a walk so you can sleep then hell, they can visit every weekend.

Yukky · 13/08/2015 14:53

One pearl of wisdom that has stuck with me for years now which was on a thread way back by a prospective-grandmother asking how she could be a good MIL/GP after her DIL had had the imminent baby... And it was for grandparents to remember that they are parents first, grandparents second.

My DM seems to have completely lost sight of this and it actually really hurts.

All of my friends who have great relationships with their parents post-DGC arriving are the ones where the GPs support the parents rather than vying to be First To Hold The Baby or those who rock up and expected to be hosted.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/08/2015 15:09

Glad your feeling better OP. I'm sure things will work themselves out.

Congratulations, and although I know it's a 'scary' time, try to relax. I have a feeling you're going to be a great mum.

As uncertain as I felt at times with my two (but especially with the first), I still knew that I would make good basic decisions. I figure if you can change a nappie and stick a boob (or bottle) in their little mouth, you're half-way there!

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 13/08/2015 16:02

The thing is, if a person had a major op, they would be left to recouperate, be brought a card, wished well. I see having a baby as no different. Treat mom well, baby is a bonus.

Nanny0gg · 13/08/2015 18:05

Can we take baby for a walk

That one is a no-no! (And I do understand why)

Longtalljosie · 13/08/2015 18:32

I think the problem (and I had this too) is they're not saying, "we'd like to do this"; they're saying "we're going to do this". My PIL did the same. They told us they were coming to stay the first weekend after DD1 was born. No choice given. They bought BIL with them too. It was beyond hideous. They passed her around between them and DH like a parcel, I was only allowed to hold her to breastfeed her. I wasn't made a single cup of tea but found her one morning cleaning our grimy cooker hood (it felt like making a point; her house is a new pin at all times). When I was trapped in the loo with an excruciating first poo I emerged tearful to an angry DH, saying everyone was upset at how antisocial I was being. My parents were due straight after they left - I persuaded them to take DD for a walk in the park and I remember my dad saying "just a few hours, LTJ. Just a few more hours and we'll be there". It is my most vivid memory of her first few days... Sad

Indantherene · 13/08/2015 19:20

MythicalKings My own DPs were overseas when our first 2 were born. We saw them 4 - 6 times a year but they managed to have an amazingly close relationship with them.

Unfortunately my ILs liked to visit when they wanted to and would then just sit on my sofa for 3-4 hours monopolising the baby and expecting cups of tea. Their favourite time to visit was 7pm, and they did so on the day I came out of hospital with DC1. And just sat there for hours and hours. It caused huge rows because DH wouldn't say anything to them and just went along with whatever they wanted.

My DM thought I was being a bit nasty about my MIL then was at ours one time when they turned up and couldn't believe that they just sat there and didn't offer to do anything.

Smilingforth · 13/08/2015 21:34

Each situation is different but the golden rule must be that it is the GP who compromise

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2015 00:28

I emerged tearful to an angry DH, saying everyone was upset at how antisocial I was being.

I hope he has since apologised?

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2015 00:38

Does his brother know the truth? Because that's a whole other can of worms.

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