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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Visits from grandparents- how much is too much?

86 replies

Ineedmorewine · 12/08/2015 11:31

I've NC as my DMIL is on this site!

DH and I live about 120 miles from PILs. ATM we see them about 3-4 times a year.
I'm 8 months PG. PILs were planning to visit in the first week after the baby's born but I put my foot down on this and said I want time with DH and DBaby before anyone visits. They were pissed off but I think they get it.

Last night on Skype DMIL said something along the lines of 'We'll come and visit every two or three weeks for a weekend'. I was Shock but I didn't say anything at the time.

Is it me or is this really excessive? I get that they want to see DBaby but the idea of every 1 in 2 or 1 in 3 weekends being eaten up by PILs visiting is a nightmare.
I was envisaging seeing them maybe every couple of months but I think they have different ideas. One of my cousins on FB said his parents come every month but even this, I think, is a bit much.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Xenadog · 12/08/2015 14:58

I haven't read the whole thread but I have experience of exactly the same thing OP. When DD was born ILs told us they were going to come every three weeks and their plan was to come on a Friday afternoon and leave on a Monday lunch time! WTAF?

Added to this they never so much as brought a packet of tea bags with them and we did all the running around after them and I post c-section with complications.

After a couple of months I put my foot down and DP told his parents that they might enjoy their visits but we didn't and they were overstepping the mark. Lots of huffs and recriminations but then three month of no visits. It was bliss.

We visit them now once every 4 - 6 weeks and do the journey back and forth in a (long) day. Occasionally they visit us but now stay in a B&B as we've no longer got a spare room.

I would say do not get tied down to anything regularly, don't promise anything and tell them you need to keep plans flexible as there are lots of people whom you socialise with. If possible get them to not stay at yours as well.

Xenadog · 12/08/2015 15:09

Btw OP my ILs are lovely people too but since we had all this trouble with them I can't bear to see them. I'm very nice to them (I'd never be rude) and pleasant and no one who saw me with them would ever suspect how I truly feel but they ruined that special time for me and I can't get it back. I've told DP that if he died I will never see his parents again and I mean it.

Better to establish boundaries now and stick to them as the resentment does cut deep.

DrDre · 12/08/2015 15:13

For me, I don't mind my parents staying for a couple of nights every six weeks or so. What I hate is going to their house - I'd much rather they visited us. We only visit theirs twice a year out of obligation.
I couldn't be doing with them coming every 2-3 weeks, way too frequent for me.

slithytove · 12/08/2015 15:23

Don't panic, just know that you and DH (but mainly you) have the final say on that one. And if you don't commit to anything, you don't look like a baddie.

It could be that you have baby in a trouble free birth at 2am on a Monday and feel like visitors on Tuesday lunchtime. Or you could have an experience like me and not want hospital visitors. By not stating in advance, you don't look unreasonable.

When baby arrives and you feel like you are ready to tell family, then you and DH can decide, do we want visitors today. If not, then reassess the next day. All calm, and mature, and reasonable. A reasonable person will not quibble. so PIL probably will

venetiaswirl · 12/08/2015 16:04

I suppose it depends whether you want to create a loving extended family for your children or just have occasional visits from rather remote grandparents etc. Many people cherish family life and work together to counter the impact of long distances and to ensure that their children have loving relationships with grandparents, aunts / uncles / cousins. And some don't.
The choice is yours OP

schlong · 12/08/2015 16:19

It's entirely up to you when /if/how often they visit. They're appropriating the birth of YOUR baby while totally disregarding your need for space and bonding time. Do not let them ruin and taint those precious first weeks with dc. Your dh hasto step up and convey your wishes to them and if they sulk they're not as "lovely" as you say.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/08/2015 16:52

I don't have RL experience as we all lived in the same town and my parents and iLs were always wonderful and helpful after my 2 were born, but I think I'd respond to any 'plans' your iLs put forth with a little sigh of relief followed by "Oh lovely! I know I'm going to need so much help in the early days. I'm so glad you'll be here to help me with taking care the house and the baby! I know DH and I going to be so exhausted we won't be able to do much more than sit on the couch and give you orders" then give a little 'false' laugh. If they make any response about being entertained, respond with a stony silence and then an "Oh, really? That's too bad but we won't be up to any of that".

MythicalKings · 12/08/2015 17:11

Do not let them ruin and taint those precious first weeks with dc.

What precious bollocks. Really? Families all over the world are having babies all the time. It's not a virgin birth miracle. It's the norm for grandparents to see the babies soon after they are born.

slithytove · 12/08/2015 17:44

Wasn't bollocks for me mythical. Being forced into that visit less than 24 hours after surgery, really screwed things up. For me and DH, and me and DS.

NickiFury · 12/08/2015 17:56

I'd be gutted if I couldn't meet my new born grand child for five days, but then I wouldn't expect to stay at their home. I'd either stay in a hotel or just visit for an hour.

Want2bSupermum · 12/08/2015 18:01

It might be normal to see the grandchild mythical but it's not normal to visit overnight so soon.

My MiL was not happy that I said no parents when our first was born. She wanted to be at the hospital watching the child arrive. I wanted just DH and I to have a couple of days on our own.

I got my way after my SIL had a word and told my MIL to back off. They visited us in the UK when DD was 9 weeks old and came out for a month when DD was 3 months.

If I were you I would suggest the visit Monday to Thursday after everyone is settled and go do stuff during that time like have a shower, relaxing bath or just go for a walk. They can watch the baby.

Nanny0gg · 12/08/2015 22:17

My aunties and uncles all seem to be the same with their DGrandchildren- a constant need to be involved

Or maybe their children want them to be involved.

I'm so glad I live quite close to my DC and their children (their choice) and that I'm invited to be part of their lives.

I know some GPs are the GPs from Hell, but some of these don't seem like that, they just don't seem wanted and then resented because they care.

Koalafications · 12/08/2015 22:19

I agree Nanny0gg

StaceyAndTracey · 12/08/2015 22:49

I think the lesson for grand parents to be is that you need to

  • have a good relationship with your adult children
  • build a good relationship with your child's partner

Too many people ignore these things for years , then as soon as a baby is born they think they have a divine right to march back into their children's lives and call the shots

" this is when we'll be visiting you / staying in your house " is the height of rudeness

Ouchbloodyouch · 12/08/2015 22:59

Personally I couldn't wait to show off my lovely babies. Each to their own.

StaceyAndTracey · 12/08/2015 23:01

My babies were ugly , so I was ashamed of them Hmm

Yukky · 12/08/2015 23:20

Too many people ignore these things for years , then as soon as a baby is born they think they have a divine right to march back into their children's lives and call the shots

^^^ this x 1,000,000

MakeItACider · 12/08/2015 23:38

My MIL and i have a tricky relationship sometimes, but when it comes to my role as a mother she is absolutely amazing. She flatly refused DH's request to come and stay when our baby was born because fool of a DH hadn't actually consulted me. She told him it was up to ME as the person having the baby who got to decide who was around, not him.

I did ask her, she came and stayed for 6 weeks (other side of the world) and was an amazing help, never overstepping the boundaries. I didn't have to do any cooking and hardly any cleaning while she was with us. She did the same with DS2.

She even did all the prep work for a bbq for us to meet our neighbours as we moved in shortly before DS2 was born.

Because of this i've always been happy for them to stay with us for extended periods.

guzzlewump · 12/08/2015 23:43

I'd try to get MIL reminiscing a bit when she starts saying how frequently she's going to visit and find out how often her PIL visited her when DH and any siblings were newborns...

I'll bet she was in hospital or a new mothers 'home' (they seemed to be a thing although I'm not sure what they were properly called) for at least a week or two. And that visiting hours and visitor numbers were strictly regulated. And I bet her PIL weren't there for the birth (unless there was a backstory to go with it). And that afterwards - if they were local to GP then they might have seen them more regularly but for short periods or been to stay but not that frequently...

And then remind them how different it is now when they throw you out of hospital at the first opportunity before you've had a chance to settle down - point out that mil wouldn't have had visitors at this point, she'd still have been in bed being waited on by the nurses in hospital...

Also useful to have a friendly imaginary midwife who will back you up with things and say everything you want her to say so the PIL (and others!) can't argue with you when you say 'But the midwife said it's very important that I '. If they try to argue with you about whatever it is, you can then distract them with 'don't you love your new grandchild enough to want the best for them as the midwife says? Or are you putting your own selfish needs above a tiny baby. I'm the mother and I love my baby so I want to do the best for it'. Some sort of rant along those lines (can be made nicer or blunter depending on how things are going!) and turning things into a 'if you don't love your gc enough then why are you bothering with them' argument is one they will find very difficult to win without agreeing with you Grin

Actually - before you find this out - talk to dh and double check that he didn't spend every other weekend visiting GPs - which is why his parents now think this is reasonable!

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 13/08/2015 00:13

We had a small house so when pIL visited we had to shift round beds - MIl/SIL in our double grandad in single room, DD in bunks me with one of them, DH on the floor, every 3 weeks, no thanks, all the washing shopping cleaning entertaining no one lifted a finger. On my birthday a week after DTDC were born they visited and wanted a take out which I ended up walking to fetch and pay for. I cried all the way round. No one got plates or cups or fuck all ... Any soy sauce??? Oh I'll go without this time .... So no, GP can be a pain in the arse.

angstridden2 · 13/08/2015 10:42

These threads make me so sad, and a bit anxious. I am hoping to be a grandmother soon; I hoped that we would see the baby soon after birth (either at home or in hospital depending on how soon they are discharged - certainly within a few days) but definitely not staying overnight. Reading these emails from DILs about PIL's not being welcome makes me worry that my lovely (at the moment!) DIL may feel like this - I know we're not her parents but the baby's father is our son! I wasn't particularly close to my MIL, but I seem to remember being delighted to show my adorable babies to PILs and relatives and managed to make the odd cup of tea and allow cuddles - even in the early days - without feeling separation anxiety from my children.
Obviously we will respect their wishes and not crowd them, but the grandparents on both sides were a blessing and adored by my children.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 13/08/2015 10:50

Angst . Have that conversation, can I help? Ill sort tea, do you want a lie down/bath? Can we take baby for a walk? How can I make things easier? Any shopping I can pick up? Ill bring cake. Ask how they are, don't hog the baby, take parents lead. Don't offer advice or in my day comments. Just manners really. Demanding its our grandchild when mom just out of a long labour is not helpful. What's wrong with posting a card, and saying, let us know when we can pop over.

Ineedmorewine2 · 13/08/2015 11:01

Hello everyone.

I'm the OP but I NC yesterday for another thread which would have outed me. Thanks so much for all your lovely advice and help.

I feel like I should actually apologise- I had a day off work yesterday and started churning around all the things that we need to get ready for DBaby arriving and I just started thinking about PILs visiting and had a massive panic about it. Very childish.

I chatted this through with DH last night and we've decided that we're I'm going to try and play everything by ear. When DBaby is born, we'll let PILs know when it's appropriate for us and we'll also be able to tell them when to come which suits us. As PP said, we might be desperate to show off DBaby or we might need a couple of days but we won't know until DBaby is here.

With the regular visits, again, we're going to see how this goes. We'll put them up in our house but we'll make it clear that they won't be hosted at all and we'd like them to chip in if needed. We're going to suggest to them that we don't set anything in stone from the get-go but wait and see how we feel and how we settle into family life. They're retired so there are fewer constraints on them in terms of longer or shorter stays.

Thanks so much all for your help with this and, again, apologies for being a panicky mess. I just can't believe I'm going to have a DBaby in about a month. I feel completely unprepared for this. I feel like I can barely look after myself let alone have another human completely dependent on me Hmm

Xx

Ineedmorewine2 · 13/08/2015 11:04

Sally Oh yes, the advice-giving is a whole other issue Wink

slithytove · 13/08/2015 13:17

Angst - my feelings were at ALL visitors not just PIL.

So perhaps just put the post partum mum first. Don't take sons word for it, make sure, has he asked her, is her health up to scratch.

Don't then criticise her bf or how she has swaddled the baby. Don't get your son so hammered he can't get to hospital the next morning.

Treat her as you want to be treated and I'm sure you will be fine.