Visits from grandparents- how much is too much?

[Ineedmorewine]

I've NC as my DMIL is on this site!

DH and I live about 120 miles from PILs. ATM we see them about 3-4 times a year.
I'm 8 months PG. PILs were planning to visit in the first week after the baby's born but I put my foot down on this and said I want time with DH and DBaby before anyone visits. They were pissed off but I think they get it.

Last night on Skype DMIL said something along the lines of 'We'll come and visit every two or three weeks for a weekend'. I was but I didn't say anything at the time.

Is it me or is this really excessive? I get that they want to see DBaby but the idea of every 1 in 2 or 1 in 3 weekends being eaten up by PILs visiting is a nightmare.
I was envisaging seeing them maybe every couple of months but I think they have different ideas. One of my cousins on FB said his parents come every month but even this, I think, is a bit much.

What do you think?

"DPIL were asking DH to call them as soon as I went into labour and they'd get in the car and start driving straight away."

DW has never had a good relationship with her DPs.
But after giving birth she rang them at 5am to let them know.
They live a 3hr drive away but surprised her by bursting into her hospital room at 8am while she was breastfeeding.
I told her to wait a few hours before calling as I knew what they would be like.
Why do they have to stay? DWs parents drive 2.5hrs to see GCs and have never stayed overnight which suits us fine. They visit around once every 6 or 8 weeks.

You sound a bit controlling and rather cold, OP. What does your DH think? Does he want his DPs to have a relationship with his child?

Mine saw the GPs every week and had a wonderful relationship with them. Once every 3 weeks doesn't seem excessive, how will they establish a relationship if they don't see DC often?

Can they not visit for the day after the baby is born, it seems mean to make them wait a week or so.

Is it a possibility that the purpose of their visits is to give you and DH a break? They know that you'll be exhausted so may just want to help out.

Not sure if you're being sarcy ineedmorewine!

I seem to have a different level of directness (I call it sense!) to the majority of MN posters.

These are just the things I ran into when the kids were born. Kids are well past the baby stage. I can understand MIL wanting to see the GCs but it just practicalities that are in the way. We live a very long + slow 300+ miles apart.

We live in a small, full house. The level of disruption in putting people up is OK for one night, once in a very long while. But 2 weeks stretch?? Nah!

Me + DH work full-time. We have ~5 weeks A/L. We cannot use it all travelling back + forth. The onus has to be on the PIL to visit if they want to see GCs more. I do encourage GS to ring and constantly chat to GP, well, GM; GD not that interested. I tried skype got GM cannot use a video recorder.

There was no way on earth I would wanted to have PIL staying when I got out of hospital and was trying to start a routine with kids. Fine coming down and staying in B+B as long they understood that I need time to sort stuff.

MythicalKings When we finished Skyping with them last night, DH said 'There's no way they're visiting every fornight'. Of course we BOTH want DBaby to have a relationship with PILs. It's not a case of freezing them out completely and I've never said that it is.

Mimi The purpose of their visits to DBILs isn't to give them a break. They expect the same 'type' of visits that they had pre-baby except, for them, with the added bonus of a grandchild. DBIL and DSIL have to think of places to take them, things to do, where to eat out.

hereandtherex Oh god no, not being sarcky at all. Your post really helped me to clarify why some types of visits and fine and others not

'You sound a bit controlling and rather cold, OP.'

No she doesn't. Its practicalities here.

I've had similar conversations with someone who's parents live on the next street. People seem to forget the extra logistics involved when the GPs live a days travel away - and thats with GPs who are realtive understanding and appreciative of the situation.

Ive heard of some GPs who expect to be put up, fed - cordon blue!, cleaned, entertained whilst the poor new-mum is trying to do all the baby stuff. Its fcking insane!

I think it's too much given that you've said you don't have a close relationship with them.

My pils are the same. We saw them once or twice a year before dd was born and then they expected to visit or for us to visit them once a month for a weekend (we live 500 miles away). A whole weekend is too much, imo, especially if your mil is anything like mine and won't let you hold your own baby whilst she's there.

I'd try to encourage them to come up for the day as opposed to staying over. Maybe that would work. And for me, visits have become less frequent for us since I went back to work as I told them it was too much for me for have people staying constantly.

As for them visiting after the baby is born, maybe it's best to get that over and done with but insist on one quick visit.

They sound overbearing and you have my sympathies.

Any distance over 100 miles is not really viable to do in in a day in the UK - unless you both live at the end of the mainline train lines.

100 miles is (roughly 2 hours travels, so a 4 hour round trip. Thats a lot of time!

I'd be more than happy for PIL to see kids all the time - If we lived closer. Christ, Id be happy for them to stay over with the GPs in half term. Its just the logistics and travel time!

Is it the GPs first GC?

Could you have a direct chat with them about some of the issues? The main ones seem to be staying with you all the time (could they stay elsewhere? B and B? with friends?) and about helping out in the house- that you need helping hands, not visitors sitting on their arses (or if they want that type of visit, it would be less frequent).

I don't think there's a set amount, but I would avoid a regular every three week weekend, that's too much for you and exhausting, but a mixture of them staying elsewhere, helping out a bit, coming for one night, you going there- it all needs to be more flexible and working around all your needs.

I do think it is quite normal for grandparents to come up to see the baby the day after it is born. Both sets of mine came up then - they just stayed in a B&B for a night or did a day trip. After that, I think we saw them every few weeks to start with then less frequently as the kids got older.

I used to send weekly photos of GC when they were babies.

As soon as kids started talking, I got them onto the phone ASAP.

When BIL+SIL are round GPs, and they can use skype, Id skype them.

I think it's too much - would definitely be too much for me and given that you don't sound too close to them anyway I think it's a lot.

They are clearly very excited but you need to establish the boundaries from the off. Their noses may be out of joint but that's ok.

A visit for an hour or two during the first week would be ok but I would be asking them to stay elsewhere. I had my boobs out 24/7 during the early days and considered it far more important to establish feeding and our own bond with our children rather than worrying about the GPs.

I'm not sure you can do very much atm about their expected visits but it might be wise to pre-empt their requests (once you've had the baby and things have settled down) by suggesting dates to them. It's amazing how busy you become at weekends after having a baby so there will definitely only be the opportunity for visits every 3ish months.

Regular Skype is a great idea....

Sometimes I want to see people more, sometimes less. There's no constant for me.

I can say what I need and expect people to respect that.

Don't even phone them to say the baby is born until a few hours after the birth unless you want to. (Though don't tell everyone else on fb first).

Then invite them for a couple of night max, mentioning that you will be very quiet and boring as the midwife has instructed you the rest a lot. As soon as they arrive say, 'Now you know where the kitchen is, do make yourselves drinks etc, it's all a bit different now DBaby is here!' Keep finding little jobs to both keep them occupied and also to make them useful. Short shopping lists, laundry to hang out etc etc. try to be pleasant, of course and welcoming but be very clear that everything has changed. Be nice and ask for advice, you don't have to take it. Let them have lots of cuddles and do things for baby but things you want ie holding whilst you bath and get dressed. Not cuddling baby when just gone down and you are desperate for sleep.

When it's time for them to go refuse to commit to arranging another visit straight away but promise lots of Skypes and photos. Thank them nicely for coming so they can't say a word about feeling unwelcome yet deflect specifics.allude to busy times ahead and yawn lots. If the baby screams at night be sure they here it.

I'm not convinced they are PIL from hell, quite possibly they are simply excited and have been used to great hospitality in the pasta fast forward a couple of years and they could be a huge asset with helping with dc and you might feel very differently. If not, well, it won't be your fault. Good luck with the birth.

HPSauciness I think we need to establish the boundaries from quite early on I agree!

They really are lovely people but I can just see them coming to visit expecting everything to be like it was pre-DC with us waiting on them because they're our guests. When they visit DBIL and DSIL, this is what the visits are like- PILs don't take their DCs off their hands for a bit or help out with any house stuff.

hereandthere They've got 2 other DGCs- DH's brothers kids

If they are truly "lovely" then I was wondering why you wrote this earlier on (or am I misunderstanding something here):-

"If it was up to me I'd never see them again and I think DH would only see them a couple of times a year!"

What is the relationship like between your DH and his parents. He is also key here; he certainly plays a key role.

Are his parents the sort of people who would listen to reasoned argument or are they really overbearing and what they want goes?.

One weekend every three imo is a huge amount.

I see my mum more than that BUT I see her during the week so it doesn't impact on DH or family time.

I do think you are being too hasty to decide what's happening after baby is born. There are so many factors affecting it, none of which can be predicted.

Personall for now all I'd agree is that you won't be telling anyone you are in labour, and you will wait to see how you and baby are before you ask for visitors. Very reasonable with no obvious restrictions.

Yes, staying in your house for long weekends ever 4-6 weeks is way too much. I speak from personal experience!

Also, my PIL and mum insisted on seeing DS the day after he was born (6pm emcs) and my god I wish I had put myself first. Baby blues had hit, I'd had a shitty day only getting my catheter out around 3pm, was really struggling to establish feeding and DS had jaundice and low blood sugar.

Yet I had to put a face on it in between hourly checks of DS and trying to bf in front of Fil. It was hell. So I wouldn't say that the next day visit HAS to happen. I cried that entire night after they had left.

I've still not forgiven DH for that. It didn't happen with DD.

Matilda Sorry I missed your post earlier- this is excellent advice

Attila I wouldn't see them again because I find them very hard work, I hate having visitors in my house and I have no connections to them personally. Objectively they are lovely people but I find the relationship hard work. I don't think they know how much hard work they are.

slithy I know. I am being too hasty. I'm getting stressed and panicked about DBaby arriving and I'm turning into a mumzilla and making sure everything is 'just so'. I need to chill out. I need to just see how it goes.